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Series: Baby Snooks and Daddy
Show: Easter Suit
Date: Apr 02 1942

CAST:
BABY SNOOKS
DADDY
JOHN

NOTE - Transcript of a sketch from the series "Maxwell House Coffee Time."

SOUND:

SNOOKS' AND DADDY'S VOICES ON FILTER

SNOOKS:

Hello?

JOHN:

Hello. Is that you, Snooks?

SNOOKS:

Hellooo?

JOHN:

Hello. Where's your daddy?

SNOOKS:

Hellooo?! ...

JOHN:

Hello. Who is this?

SNOOKS:

This is the operator. Five cents, please!

JOHN:

Snooks -- it is you, isn't it?

SNOOKS:

No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ...

JOHN:

Snooks, where's your daddy?

SNOOKS:

He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and--

DADDY:

(INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John.

JOHN:

(SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy.

DADDY:

I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye.

JOHN:

Goodbye, Daddy.

SOUND:

PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE)

JOHN:

(TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

DADDY:

Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more.

SNOOKS:

Why?

DADDY:

Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window?

SNOOKS:

I always tell him that. ...

DADDY:

You always tell him I jump out the window?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh-huh.

DADDY:

Well, what for?

SNOOKS:

(OVERLY COY) I don't know. ...

DADDY:

Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he?

SNOOKS:

No.

DADDY:

Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?

SNOOKS:

(EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me!

DADDY:

(DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit.

SNOOKS:

When is Easter, Daddy?

DADDY:

It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter.

SNOOKS:

Is the moon gonna fall?

DADDY:

The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years.

SNOOKS:

(WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?!

DADDY:

I suppose so.

SNOOKS:

(EXTRAVAGANT CRYING) ...

DADDY:

What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years.

SNOOKS:

(SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ...

DADDY:

Well, now you don't have to worry any more.

SNOOKS:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm.

DADDY:

Goodnight.

SNOOKS:

Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!

DADDY:

Yes?

SNOOKS:

Why does the moon make it Easter?

DADDY:

Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon.

SNOOKS:

You know everything, don't you, Daddy?

DADDY:

Just about. Any more questions?

SNOOKS:

Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ...

DADDY:

They don't have to be told.

SNOOKS:

Then how do they know when to lay the eggs?

DADDY:

Bunnies don't lay eggs.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

(INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Now, how do I know?! ...

SNOOKS:

Chickens lay eggs.

DADDY:

I can't help it.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy? ...

DADDY:

(IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit.

SNOOKS:

I wanna go with ya!

DADDY:

(A FIRM "NO") Snooks!

SNOOKS:

(LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ...

DADDY:

You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along?

SNOOKS:

Mommy's goin', ain't she?

DADDY:

Not this time she isn't.

SNOOKS:

No?

DADDY:

I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ...

SNOOKS:

Your coat's nice, Daddy.

DADDY:

Nice?

SNOOKS:

Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY)

DADDY:

You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too.

SNOOKS:

With springs in it?

DADDY:

No, not with springs in it.

SNOOKS:

No?

DADDY:

A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem.

SNOOKS:

Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again?

DADDY:

Oh, don't be sarcastic.

SNOOKS:

I'm not being sarcastic.

DADDY:

I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ...

SNOOKS:

How do you know, Daddy?

DADDY:

Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down.

SNOOKS:

Are his pants down, too? ...

DADDY:

What's the matter with you?

SNOOKS:

I wanna go with ya!

DADDY:

Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me?

SNOOKS:

I want to get an Easter suit.

DADDY:

You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight.

SNOOKS:

Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!

DADDY:

(ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?!

SNOOKS:

Who lays the Easter eggs?

DADDY:

If I tell you, will you let me go?

SNOOKS:

(COY) Maybe. ...

DADDY:

All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs?

SNOOKS:

(QUIETLY) No.

DADDY:

Do you want the chicken to lay them?

SNOOKS:

Nooo.

DADDY:

Well, who do you want to lay the eggs?

SNOOKS:

You. ...

DADDY:

Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied?

SNOOKS:

No! Lay one now! ...

DADDY:

I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you?

SNOOKS:

Yes, Daddy.

DADDY:

Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade.

SNOOKS:

Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy?

DADDY:

(EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit.

SNOOKS:

A white rabbit?

DADDY:

Yes, a white rabbit.

SNOOKS:

(LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ...

DADDY:

What kind do you want?

SNOOKS:

(WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ...

DADDY:

You're insane.

SNOOKS:

Yeah.

DADDY:

Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing.

SNOOKS:

(SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy.

DADDY:

And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby.

SNOOKS:

Like a baby?

DADDY:

Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre.

SNOOKS:

Will I have to change--?

DADDY:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day.

SNOOKS:

I wasn't going to say--!

DADDY:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight!

SNOOKS:

(QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?!

DADDY:

(EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ...

SNOOKS:

(QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya?

DADDY:

(CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it.

SNOOKS:

When?

DADDY:

Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me.

SNOOKS:

All right, Daddy.

DADDY:

Good. Hurry now.

SNOOKS:

(CHUCKLES AS SHE CLIMBS INTO BED)

DADDY:

Under the covers.

SNOOKS:

Yeah.

DADDY:

There.

SNOOKS:

(CHUCKLES)

DADDY:

Out with the light. Now say your prayers.

SNOOKS:

(LOW, RAPID, INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLING)

DADDY:

What are you mumbling?

SNOOKS:

That's my prayer.

DADDY:

I can't understand a word you're saying.

SNOOKS:

I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels.

DADDY:

Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up.

SNOOKS:

All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ...

DADDY:

Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels.

SNOOKS:

They like it, Daddy.

DADDY:

How do you know?

SNOOKS:

I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ...

DADDY:

(GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night.

SNOOKS:

(LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE