Matrimonial News
The following are the chief characters:
FLORENCE KIPPINGS
The idea of her Mother
The idea of her friend, Alice
The idea of a Man
Other Phantoms
In this play, many of the lines are to be regarded more as rhythm and jingle
than as "sense." This applies especially to the later scenes, when the episode
is working to its climax.
By this means, it is hoped to convey the half-formed ideas and images surging,
tumbling, churning in the consciousness of Miss Kippings as gradually she
"loses her head."
Florence must be imagined with a mezzo voice and a suburban accent.
Alice is a soprano--squeaky, weak.
Mother is a beefy contralto, more common than the girls.
Such a paper as "Matrimonial News" really does exist, under a slightly
different title. It is obtainable at many bookstalls, and is not in the least
indecent.
____________________________________
ANNOUNCER.--What follows is supposed to be happening in the mind of Miss
Florence Kippings,--who is sitting alone in a cheap restaurant in tbe Strand
in London. The time is about a quarter to twelve, midday. She has ordered a
cup of coffee.... Remember you are overhearing her thoughts--she is alone....
FLORENCE ... Hope the chair's clean.... I never sit in one of these places
without remembering what happened to poor Mrs. Philpotts ...
People are so careless--
And with cream too--
Cream--
The funny little cardboards that they put it in--
And the lids such a bother to open--
Cream for the cat--
Puss puss puss--
Dear little thing and how sweet with its ribbon and its bell--
Cream for the cat--
Now who said that--
Oh, those horrid girls at the League Social--
Little beasts--
Ten years younger than me--
Cream for the cat--
One can hardly believe it ...
Ten years younger--
Ten years ago--
Why it seems like yesterday--
Cream for the cat--
Ten years younger that would make me twenty-two--
Ten years younger that would make me twenty-two--
Ten years younger that would make me tootaloo--
Twenty two to two tattoos at Tooting.
I don't feel a bit different--
Not a bit--
And I don't believe I look so very different neither--
Not a bit.
ALICE Why you look a picture in that blue.
FLORENCE That's what Alice said--only last week.
ALICE Just a picture--
You know Flossie you don't look a day older than young Maud--
When you stand together there you might be the same age.
FLORENCE And how old's young Maud?--
Twenty--
Yes, she's twenty--
I remember because it ...
Cream for the cat--
Little beasts--
Saucy little brats--
Cream for the cat--
I know what they meant--
Oh yes I do--quite well--
Cream for the cat--
You're getting on they meant--
Getting old maidish--
Getting nippy--
Those tired lines round the eyes and mouth--
Lady Di--Pompeian Cream--
Getting scraggy--
Getting scraggy in the neck--
Mutton dressed up as lamb--
ALICE Why you look a picture in that blue.
FLORENCE I wonder if the grey would have been ... if it'd-a-been out of doors
I'd have said the blue by all means, but in here--well, I wonder.
ALICE Why you look a picture in that blue.
FLORENCE Oh dear, I wonder if I ought to.... I don't know what mother'd
say....
MOTHER What's that Flo?
FLORENCE Nothing, mother.
MOTHER Oh yes it is--you needn't try to have me on.
FLORENCE Go away.
MOTHER You needn't try to keep me out of your thoughts, you can't you know.
FLORENCE Can.
MOTHER Can't--you're chained to me--chained...
FLORENCE (With deep emotion) No--that's impossible--it's because I know that
it's impossible that I've come here--I've come here to get away--to escape.
MOTHER You can't you know.
FLORENCE I can--I can--I will ... she doesn't know I'm here--how could she
find out--I'm just going up to town mother--Alice's going too--we're going to
Ponting's sale ... white sale--white lie--well? My own money--why shouldn't I?
...
MOTHER You're going to town to meet a man.
FLORENCE Mother!
MOTHER Oh yes--I know all about it.
FLORENCE She can't--that's nonsense--she can't--I won't think it.
MOTHER You needn't try to keep me out of your thoughts.
FLORENCE She can't know--
I burnt the newspaper--
Tore it up and put the pieces in the range--
Tiny pieces--
Smell the scorching--
I remember seeing the print stand out as the paper went black--
Crumbled to ash--
Every piece--
Tiny pieces--
I remember seeing the title burn--
Matrimonial News--
MOTHER Matrimonial News--So that's how you got into touch with him--
FLORENCE Who?
MOTHER The man--through a dirty filthy little rag of a newspaper.
FLORENCE Mother, I never--it isn't....
MOTHER Oh yes it is--a dirty filthy ... Oh, Flo, how could you--how could
you....
FLORENCE Crying!
Her body as she sobs--
So huge--
Warm jelly--
Crying--and she's got a moustache--
Like a man--
Dirty old man--
Smelling of eucalyptus--
MOTHER You'll break my heart you will ... break your old mother's heart, you
wicked girl you!
FLORENCE Wicked girl. Flo's a naughty wicked girl.
MOTHER (Angry) Wickedness that's what it is--
FLORENCE What is?
MOTHER What is? What is?--the idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of
them things.
FLORENCE There's no harm--lots of people do it.
MOTHER Yes and lots of people do other things as well.
FLORENCE There isn't any harm either--
What harm is there?
It isn't as if I was compromising myself--
Nothing compromising meeting someone just--
That's all I'm doing--
Just meeting someone--
Why lots of people....
MOTHER Yes, and lots of people do other things as well.
FLORENCE Other things as well--
Other things--
Saucy Nighties in that window at the Bon Marché--
Saucy and no mistake--
Made me think of--think of--
Now why should I think of the hot-water bottle?
That's beastly--beastly--
That sailor in the Beulah Road--
Nice--his teeth when he smiled--
Oh white--white--
And the jolly way he looked at you--
Not cheeky--oh no--
And his legs--
I wish "He" could have legs--
Glad I've got on my good stockings he's sure to look.
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things.
FLORENCE There's no harm.
ALICE You look a picture in that blue.
FLORENCE What will he be like ... ?
Bachelor age 38, 5 foot 8 inches, fresh complexion, dark hair, blue eyes, own
business in the North, £250 p.a. increasing; fond of good music, even-
tempered, healthy; desires to meet lady up to 35, medium height and figure,
home-loving and companionable ...
What will he be like ...
What will he ...
Dear Sir, I have read your advertizement in the Matrimonial News and would be
willing to meet you with a view to ...
Well nothing compromising about that--
Nothing compromising in meeting someone just--
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things.
FLORENCE There's no harm ... if we don't like one another ... well ... we
simply ... after all its a purely business arrangement ... Well no ... perhaps
... oh no I want--
I want--
His teeth when he smiled--
And the jolly way he looked at you--
Not cheeky--Oh no--
Dark hair--blue eyes--
Blue eyes--
And he wants a girl to be--
Home-loving and companionable--
Companionable--
Companion--
Well nothing compromising in meeting someone just ... I took care he shouldn't
know my real address--wrote the letter in a slopy writing with a thin pen--not
printing--no--he'd know printing meant I didn't want him to--no, not printing
but slopy writing with a thin pen--"a disguised hand"--quite romantic really--
like that picture Alice and me saw at the Central--no at the Kosmo--no at the
Grand--the one with Greta Garbo--
ALICE They say she has lots of lovers--
All the men she acts with--
They say no man can resist her.
FLORENCE Lots of people do it ... slopy writing with a thin pen--and then I
posted it from Charing Cross--well nobody could guess from that--not even if
they was ever so cute--why it might be anybody--anybody.... I had quite a
rush to catch the 6.24 after posting it--the man at the barrier said ...
TICKET COLLECTOR Come along, Miss, come along, come along, come along.
FLORENCE Talk of run ... and then I only caught it by jumping into a crowded
carriage--
Oo! Smoking--
Nothing but men--
What a lot of smoke--
Makes the eyes burn--
I'm the only girl in the carriage--
The only bit of skirt--
TRAVELLER Won't you have this seat?
FLORENCE Oh, please don't trouble.
TRAVELLER No trouble.
FLORENCE I don't mind standing--I--well--thanks ever so much ...
And then they all looked at one--all the men.
ALICE All the men she acts with--
They say no man can resist her.
FLORENCE But then they just went on reading their evening papers--
Somehow men don't seem to ...
They seem to like a girl to be--well! sort of giddy ...
She's getting on--
Getting nippy--
Getting old-maidish--
It's the neck that gives them away....
I don't care--
I don't care--
I've just posted my letter--
That's how I felt--
Walking on air--
Slopy writing with a thin pen--
The way to escape--
Dear Sir, I have read your advertizement in the Matrimonial News, and would be
willing to ...
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine, writing up to one of them things.
FLORENCE What will he be like--
What will he be like--
What will he be like--
What will he--
What will he be--
Tit Willoughby--
Tit Willoughby--
Bit willingly--
Sit willingly--
Feeling giddy--
How my heart beats.
Giddy. Giddy. Giddy--
Hope my nose isn't shiny--
Five foot, eight and a half inches--
Fresh complexion--
Dark hair, blue eyes--
If he should ...
He'd
Step in there at the door--
Hesitate--
Look round the shop--
I shall be dressed in a blue costume, with a paler blue flower in my coat--
Slopy writing with a thin pen--
He walks towards me--
He's in blue, too--
Navy blue--very smart--
How well he walks--
Nice--his teeth when he smiles--
Oh white, white--
And the jolly way he looks at you--
Not cheeky--oh no--
If he should--
If he were to ...
MAN Good morning--madame.
FLORENCE (Swallowing) Good morning.
MAN So you have come.
FLORENCE Yes.
MAN I knew that you would come--
My little lady of the slopy handwriting.
FLORENCE Our eyes meet--
Dark hair, blue eyes--
MAN Medium height and figure.
FLORENCE Dark hair, blue eyes.
MAN Up to 35.
FLORENCE Even-tempered, healthy.
MAN Home-loving and companionable.
FLORENCE He smiles.
MAN She smiles.
FLORENCE Nice his teeth when he smiles--
MAN Nice her teeth when she smiles--
ALICE You look a picture in that blue.
MAN (Laughs.)
FLORENCE He takes my hand--
What splendid hands he has--
So strong--
And yet tender--
[An orchestra is heard far off playing a swooning waltz--flick-flick, flick,
flick of a film fades in.
MAN (Through a megaphone) I knew that you would come--
Little girl--
I knew it.
I've waited for you--
I knew that somewhere I should find you--
That somewhere you were hiding--
I want to take care of you--
To protect you--
Little girl--
I love you--I love you--I love you....
ALICE They say she has lots of lovers--
CINEMA ATTENDANT Seats at two and four and three and six only--standing only,
one and three.
[The music fades away.
FLORENCE (In time with the fading waltz.) How silly--silly--silly--silly--
It won't be like that at all.
MOTHER You're just a silly, romantic girl, Flo; Why, if people thought as you
do....
FLORENCE Yes, I know mother--silly.
MOTHER Silly.
FLORENCE Silly.
MOTHER Silly, romantic--
FLORENCE Silly, romantic---
MOTHER Silly, romantic girl Flo--
Just a silly, romantic girl Flo--
Silly, romantic girl, Flo--
[Repeats and fades out.
FLORENCE (Cross-fading-in) Dark hair, blue eyes, own business in the North,
£250 p.a., increasing....
MAN After all, romance isn't everything.
FLORENCE No. That's just what Mother says.
MAN Oh, then, you've got a mother.
FLORENCE Oh yes, I live with mother.
MAN And your father?
FLORENCE Oh, father died when I was twelve--no, I mustn't say that, he'll
guess my age--why shouldn't he--I'm only thirty-two--
GIRL Cream for the cat.
ALICE You look a picture in that blue.
MAN So, your father's dead?
FLORENCE Yes.
MAN Any brothers and sisters?
FLORENCE No--I'm the only one--there's mother and me, just--we live at
Bromley in our own house.
MAN Freehold?
FLORENCE Freehold--above the shop, of course, but a very select
neighbourhood--
MAN All insured, of course--
FLORENCE O, of course--I'll tell him that if he asks--I expect we are.
MOTHER Of course we are, Flo, don't be so silly--You leave things to me, Flo
--you've no head for business.
FLORENCE I've no head for business, mother says--I leave things to her
really--of course I help in the shop, but mother always checks up the cash
each evening.
MAN Good business, is it?
FLORENCE Not so bad really.
MAN Drapery, I suppose.
FLORENCE Oh, no--Art Needlework--it's hardly a shop, really--I mean, I
sometimes think we ought to call it a studio---
MOTHER You make me tired, Flo--studio! You're just a silly, romantic girl,
Flo, why if people thought as you do--
FLORENCE Yes, I know, mother.
MAN So, you're tired of being at home.
FLORENCE Oh, so tired--so tired--oh, if only you knew--if only I could tell
you--nobody knows--nobody understands me--nobody.
[The waltz has faded in again, and the flick.
MAN (Again through a megaphone) My poor, little girl.
FLORENCE It's so hard for me--so terribly, terribly hard.
MAN Poor little, misunderstood woman.
FLORENCE That's it--misunderstood--nobody understands.
MAN (Still blaring--a celluloid hero) I understand--
I understand--
Girlie--
Let me take you in my arms--
CINEMA ATTENDANT Seats at two and four and three and six only....
[The music stops.
FLORENCE Silly Romantic--Silly Romantic--
Romantic--Romantic--Romantic--
Rome Antic, Rome Antic,
Rome Anti-chrome, Anti-chrome.
Anti-chrome.
Time.
What's the time?
He isn't due for seven minutes, yet--
Will he be in time?
Twelve o'clock precisely--
Precisely--
That's what I said in the letter--
Slopy writing, with a thin pen--
Twelve o'clock precisely--
Precisely looks rather business-like--
MOTHER Flo, I wish you'd be more business-like--
FLORENCE I hate business--
I hate it--
I hate the shop--
With its stupid little bell--
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER Skein of three-ply vest wool, please.
FLORENCE White?
CUSTOMER No, baby pink--how much?
FLORENCE That'll be fifepence, pleece.
CUSTOMER Fivepence? ... Oh well--
FLORENCE Thank you.
CUSTOMER Thank you.
FLORENCE That'll be all this morning?
CUSTOMER Yes thank you.... Good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER Good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER I want a reel of 40 white ... thank you.
FLORENCE And the next pleasure?
CUSTOMER That's all, thank you--good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
MAN So you hate the business, do you?
FLORENCE Yes, I hate it--hate it ... own business in the North--£250 p.a.
increasing ... that is, I--well, not all business you know---
MAN Shall I tell you about my business?
FLORENCE Yes, do.
MAN It's not a shop.
FLORENCE No?
MAN No--it's not a shop--are you glad?
FLORENCE Yes--I hate a shop.
MAN It's an agency business--I'm an agent for--well--various firms who make
steel castings and mouldings and things like that....
FLORENCE Oh yes--I'll put my elbows on the table and put my chin in my
hands--
He's crossed his legs--
What lovely shoes--patent--
And his socks--real silk--
His legs--
Glad I've got on my good stockings--
MAN But I don't suppose you're very much interested in the business---
FLORENCE Oh well----
MAN I didn't expect you to be--I don't like a woman to be too--well...
MOTHER Flo, I wish you'd be more business-like---
FLORENCE Go away.
MOTHER You needn't try to keep me out of your thoughts--You can't, you know--
MAN Mind if I smoke?
FLORENCE Oh no--not at all--silver cigarette case--
MAN Will you?
FLORENCE Oh well ... thanks ever so--after all men like a girl to be--well--
sort of giddy--not that smoking really--yes--thanks ever so--
MAN No, I don't like women in business--
I think a woman ought to be--well--sort of...
ALICE You look a picture in that blue.
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things---
MAN Tell me--why did you answer my--well--my advertizement?
FLORENCE I'd never dare to tell him this really--
Or would I?
I don't know--I might--
If he looked kind--
Dark hair, blue eyes--
I want to tell someone--
MAN Tell me.
FLORENCE Shall I?
MAN Yes--tell me.
FLORENCE I'd like to--
I want to tell someone--
I can't talk to Alice about things like ...
I hate Alice--
With her pince-nez and her long neck--
ALICE (Reproachfully) Oh, Flossie, you look a picture in that blue.
FLORENCE Poor old Alice! I don't hate her--no I don't hate her--but she's so
... well I mean men like a girl to be--well--sort of giddy....
ALICE Oh, Flossie, I don't think we ought to--
I mean what will people think--
I mean it's all very well--
I mean if a gentleman takes you--
Well, that's one thing--
FLORENCE But there are partners there--professionals.
ALICE Flossie! How can you be so awful!
FLORENCE Why?
ALICE Well, some of those men--
Well, I mean I read a bit in the paper about a man at the Palais at
Wimbledon--
FLORENCE No. I can't talk to Alice about things like this.
MAN Well, talk to me.
FLORENCE Oh, I'd--I'd ...
MAN Come on--don't be frightened--tell me--
Why did you answer the advertizement?
Why did you come here?
FLORENCE I was so lonely--
There's no one at home--
I mean mother and me ...
Well, mother has her friends, of course--
There's Mrs. Philpotts--she's all right--
And the Mildmays.
MAN But no young people--no one of your own age.
FLORENCE That's right--there's Alice of course.
MAN Who's Alice?
FLORENCE Oh, she's my friend-- She works at Ballard and Shepherd's.
MAN She's same age as you?
FLORENCE Yes, we were school-friends and we kept it up ever since--of course
I'm ever so fond of Alice--we go everywhere together.
MAN Everywhere?
FLORENCE To church, to the pictures, sometimes on Sundays in summer we take
the electric and go to Orpington.
MAN Do you go to the pictures often?
FLORENCE Oh, about once a week--to the Central generally--sometimes to the
Kosmo--Alice likes Ronald Colman but Greta's my favourite.
MAN (Caressingly) Greta Garbo--Greta Garbo.
ALICE They say no man can resist her.
FLORENCE They say no man can resist her.
MAN Don't you ever go to the pictures with a man?
FLORENCE I don't know any men.
MAN Not any?
FLORENCE Oh well, there's Mr. Mildmay--he's the gentleman from next door--
it's a tobacco business and news agency--he's over seventy.
MAN I see. So that's why you ...
FLORENCE Yes, that's why I ...
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things.
FLORENCE No that's not altogether the reason--I had other reasons as well---
MAN Oh?
FLORENCE Yes.
MAN Won't you tell me?
FLORENCE Well----
MAN Yes?
FLORENCE There's mother.
MOTHER There you go!
Grumble, grumble, grumble---
Talk of nasty!
MAN Don't you and your mother get on together?
FLORENCE Oh, mother's not so bad really--if only ... You see, it'd be all
right if I had more friends.
MOTHER What do you want friends for? Isn't your mother good enough?
FLORENCE It's not that, mother--You know it isn't.
MOTHER Well, what is it then?
FLORENCE Oh, nothing.
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER Good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
MOTHER (Loudly, sudden, alarmingly ... like the Red Queen)
Fish pie again--well really--
I know you've no head for business--
You leave it all to me--
I do everything--
Toil and plan the whole blessed day for you.
Nothing but work work work at the blessed shop--
And my health all to pieces--
FLORENCE Well, I work at it too--
MOTHER You--all you do is to stand behind the counter---
FLORENCE Well?
MOTHER Well? Who buys the stock?
Who checks the cash?
Anybody can stand behind the counter--
Any fool can sell the stuff--
I have to do all the real work--
I leave you to do the house--
I pay a girl to help you.
And what happens--
What happens? ...
(Shouting) Fish pie, fish pie, fish pie--
It makes me sick--
It does really.
MAN (Very quiet and near) Then you don't have any say in the management of
the business?
FLORENCE I hate the business.
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER Good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
FLORENCE I hate the business.
I stand half the day behind the counter--
Selling bits of silk and canvas--
Reels of cotton and fancy cushion covers ...
CUSTOMER Yes, that is artistic--
FLORENCE Yes, it's the very latest ...
But I haven't any interest in the business--
Mother never tells me anything--
MOTHER You've no head for business, Flo--
FLORENCE And the house--I hate the house.
MAN Why, I thought you said....
FLORENCE It's mother really--
Nitter natter.
Nag, nag, nag,--
Nothing ever right.
MOTHER You've upset my medicine, Flo--
FLORENCE No, mother--
MOTHER Well, somebody's upset it.
FLORENCE Well, it wasn't me--
MOTHER Oh no--suppose it was the cat.
FLORENCE Medicine.
Bottles and bottles--
On the table by her bed--
Bottles and bottles--
And pills--
Nurse Roche, 121 Avondale Road, Swansea--
Found that in the back pages of a magazine--
Backache, uric acid, superfluous hair, bad legs--
Dr. Pilcer's herbal balm--
Found that in the back pages of a magazine--
MOTHER Done wonders to my backache--
Done wonders to my corns--
Found that in Tit Bits--
It purifies the bile--
FLORENCE Bottles and bottles--
On the table by her bed--
Eucalyptus, eucalyptus--
Open the window--
MOTHER You put it down--making a draught--
Want to kill me?
FLORENCE Eucalyptus--
I hate the house--
I hate doing her room--
I dread it every morning--
Makes me sick--
Bottles by the bed--
Her bed--touching her sheets--
Empty her slops--
Hairs in the basin--hairs and soap suds--
Her dirty combinations hanging over the chair.
She's ... I tell you what she is--
She's a man--
A dirty old man--
Makes me frightened--
Makes me sick--
Open the window--
MAN Come with me.
FLORENCE Through the window?
MAN Yes.
FLORENCE Yes--anything to get away--
It's mother really--
Nitter-natter, nag, nag, nag--
And the girl--
MAN Why--what's wrong with her?
FLORENCE I hate her--
MAN But why--
FLORENCE I hate the girl--giddy little hussy--
MAN She's younger than you and prettier--
FLORENCE She's a giddy little hussy.
MAN You're jealous.
FLORENCE Yes, jealous--she thinks I'm an old cat.
Cream for the cat--
(Accelerando) I'm only thirty-two--
I'm only thirty-two--
I'm a picture in the blue--
MAN You're a picture in the blue--
You're a picture Rootitoo--
FLORENCE Now you're at it tootitoo--
MAN Two to two tattoos at Tooting--
MOTHER Two to two tattoos at Tooting--
ALICE Two to two to two tattoos at Tooting--
FLORENCE Two to two to two to two tattoos at Tooting--
MAN, MOTHER, ALICE, FLORENCE
Two to two to two to two to two tattoo tattoo tattoos at Tooting.
FLORENCE Time.... Time.... Wrist watch.
MOTHER Happy Christmas, Flo!
FLORENCE Oh mother, what a lovely present--
A wristwatch!! --just what I wanted--
Wristwatch--wristwatch--
(Accelerando) Time.
Time, gentlemen, Time!
Wonder if he drinks--
MAN Oh no--Strict T.T.
Don't drink--don't smoke--
TICKET COLLECTOR Come along, Miss, come along, come along, come along--
(faster, faster, faster).
FLORENCE (Presto) Don't smoke?
MAN Never.
FLORENCE Never?
MAN (Sings) Well hardly ever.
FLORENCE Time, gentlemen, Time!
MAN Strict T.T.--never touch the stuff.
FLORENCE You let me alone--
Don't touch me--
MAN Never touch the stuff--
MALE CHORUS Time, gentlemen, Time!
FLORENCE Time--
MAN Time--
CHORUS Time-- (They prolong the "M" into a humming chord.)
FLORENCE Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tack, Tick....
MAN Tack Tick Tack Tick Tack....
CHORUS Tick Tack Tick Tack ... (they continue).
FLORENCE (through the chorus). I feel giddy--
Can't see the hands--
MAN Its two minutes to--
Two to--
MOTHER, ALICE Two to--Two to-- (they continue and sing the words with cruel
insinuation).
FLORENCE Oh, God--I'm so frightened!
CHORUS (Continuing) Tick tack Tick tack (they fade away).
[Silence.
FLORENCE (Appealing) Mother!
MOTHER The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things.
FLORENCE Father!
FATHER I'm dead. Can't hear what you say.
FLORENCE Alice!
ALICE Oh, Flossie, you didn't ought to....
FLORENCE Miss Cox! Miss Cox!
MISS COX Florence Kippings, you're the worst girl in the whole school.
FLORENCE Mr. Mildmay.
MILDMAY I don't 'old with it meself--
FLORENCE Alone! Alone!
ALL and CHORUS Alone. Alone. Alone.
[Pause.
FLORENCE (Whisper) God--oh, God, please help me.
GOD The idear--a daughter of mine writing up to one of them things--good
morning.
[Shop bell.
CHORUS (Shout) Good morning.
[Cascade of shop bells and a slam like a huge door.
MAN (Low) I'm still here--
I'm here--
You've still got your idea of me--
FLORENCE You!
MAN Yes, me--
The man you came here to meet--
Your lover--
You've still got your idea of me--
FLORENCE How do I know that you're true?
ALICE You look a picture in that blue.
MAN Won't you believe in me?
FLORENCE How can I? You're just pretence.
MAN Isn't pretence more real than reality?
MOTHER You're just a silly, romantic girl, Flo----
MAN More real--
Isn't Greta Garbo more real than a real person?
FLORENCE (Struck by a new idea.) Yes--Yes, that's true.
How clever of you.
MAN How clever of you.
CHORUS How clever of you.
FLORENCE Which of us?
CHORUS Which?
MAN You.
FLORENCE You.
MAN Impossible!
I'm not real--
I'm only a pretence.
FLORENCE But pretence is more real than reality.
MAN (Cruelly) Is it? Try it and see.
(Coaxing) Stretch out your arms--
Take my hand--
Come on--come on Greta--
Take my hand--
Girlie--
FLORENCE Nice--his teeth when he smiles--
White, oh, white--
MAN Take my hand--
More real than ...
FLORENCE Sticky!
The table's all sticky--
There! I've spoilt my glove.
MOTHER Silly--Silly romantic girl--
FLORENCE My good glove, too--
TICKET COLLECTOR MAN Come along, Miss, come along, come along, come along--
FLORENCE Time!
CHORUS Time, gentlemen, Time.
FLORENCE Wrist watch, wrist watch, wrist watch--
CHORUS Tick tack, tick tack, tick tack (they repeat as before.)
FLORENCE It's time.
MOTHER Time!
ALICE Time!
MILDMAY Time!
MAN Time!
COLLECTOR Time!
[Accelerando, and rising in pitch and volume.
FLORENCE If he should come--
CHORUS (Continuing, faster and louder) Tick tack, tick tack, tick tack--
FLORENCE If he has a beard--
[Fast.
MOTHER Time!
FLORENCE Or a limp--
MOTHER Time!
FLORENCE If he tries to kiss me--
MOTHER Time! Time! Time!
ALICE Oh, Flossie, you didn't ought to--
FLORENCE If he should come--
If he should come-- (Faster and faster, louder and louder. Panic.)
MOTHER Time!
MAN I'm here, you know.
FLORENCE You're not real--
The Real One may come--
If he should come--
MAN He may be like me--
MOTHER Time!
MAN Just like me--
Love at first sight--
ALICE You look a picture--
MAN At first sight--
ALICE They say all the men she acts with--
MAN I love you--I love you--I love you---
MOTHER Time!
FLORENCE Slopy writing with a thin pen--
If he should come.
ALICE Picture in that blue--
MAN At first sight--
FLORENCE More real than reality--
If he should come--
MAN Love--Love--Love--Love--
ALICE All the men she acts with--
MOTHER Time!
ATTENDANT Standing only at one and three--
MOTHER Time! Time! Time!
FLORENCE If he should--
MOTHER, ALICE, MAN
If he should--
FLORENCE (Very quietly and slowly) If he should come....
CHORUS (Continuing relentlessly) Tick tack, tick tack--
FLORENCE He'd come to the door--stop--look round--looking for me--for me--"I
shall be sitting alone, dressed in a blue costume, with a paler blue flower in
my coat" ...
[Silence--the chorus has faded away.
There is someone at the door--he's stopped--he's looking round--for me--
CHORUS (Suddenly, loudly, rapidly) Time--time--time--time--time-- (they
continue like a fire-bell.)
FLORENCE I can't see what he's like--
I can't see anything--
My heart beats so--
CHORUS Time! Time! Time! Time! Time! (they continue and fade out.)
FLORENCE Do something--Do something--
What is he like--
MAN Like me--
FLORENCE No--he's real, I tell you--
This one's real--
A MAN--
CHORUS (Shouts) MAN (staccato, like "Halt!").
FLORENCE Going to Faint--
Red--
Round and Round and Round
Circles of red
MOTHER And blue.
ALICE And red.
MOTHER And blue.
ALICE And blue.
FLORENCE And blue to two tattoo, tattoo, tattoo--
CHORUS (Fading-in) Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo--
COLLECTOR (Beginning faintly, swelling up loudly, as though approaching)
Come along, Miss, come along, come along, come along.
FLORENCE Yes--Yes--Yes--
Do something--Do something--
ATTENDANT Standing only, one and three....
FLORENCE Do something--he's at the door--
CHORUS (Continuing) Tattoo-- Tattoo-- ...
MOTHER, ALICE At the door--
FLORENCE He's coming towards me.
MOTHER, ALICE Do something--Do something--
FLORENCE Must go--where?
MOTHER, ALICE Where? Go where? Go where?
FLORENCE To the door--can't, he's there--
He's there at the door--
MOTHER, ALICE He's there at the door--
FLORENCE I am here at the gate alone--
MOTHER For the black bat night has flown--
ALICE The brick bat night has flown--
FLORENCE Do something--Do something--
MOTHER (Shout) Go--go--go--go--go--
FLORENCE (Shout) Can't get by
He's at the door--
He'd see me--
Stop me--
Hand on my sleeve--
ALICE (Shout) Time--time--time--time--time--
FLORENCE Do something--go where--
MOTHER Where--
ALICE Where--
CHORUS Where-- (They scoop this down like a falling rocket.)
FLORENCE To the cloakroom--
MOTHER Where--where--where--
FLORENCE To the cloakroom--
Down the stair--
MAN Stair--stair--stair--
FLORENCE To the cloakroom--
Tidy my hair--
ALICE Hair--hair--hair--
CHORUS Fair hair--
Fair share--
Fair hair--
Fair share. (They repeat and fade-out ... like waves breaking over shingle.)
FLORENCE Cloakroom--cloakroom--
MOTHER Run--run--run--run--run--
ALICE Run--run--run--run--run--
MAN What fun!
FLORENCE Hide and Seek.
MAN, ALICE, MOTHER Run--run--run--run--run--
FLORENCE Home!
CHORUS (Loudly--a great staccato chord) Home!
FLORENCE Secret--hidden.
CHORUS Home!
FLORENCE No.
Cloakroom--not home--cloakroom--
Tidy my hair--Oo Flo Kippings, you awful girl, just you tidy your hair.
CHORUS Home!
FLORENCE Just you tidy your ...
Wait here till he goes--
Wait till all's blue ...
ALICE Picture in blue--
FLORENCE Safe---Out of sight--can't see me ...
(Sings) A--B--C--Tumble down D
The cat's in the cupboard
And can't see me. (She cries.)
And now ... what now?
CHORUS (Scooping upwards) Well?
FLORENCE Now--Home.
CHORUS (Scooping downwards) Home.
FLORENCE To mother.
MOTHER Fish-pie--Fish-pie--Fish-pie--
You've no head for business, Flo--
Business, Flo--
Fish-pie, Flo--
CHORUS Business, Flo--
Fish-pie, Flo--
MOTHER Fish-pie, Flo--
CHORUS Business, Flo--
[Shop bell.
CUSTOMER Good morning.
FLORENCE Good morning.
[Shop bell.
MOTHER Fish-pie, Flo--Business, Flo--Fish-pie, Flo--Business, Flo.
[Repeat ad lib., and fade away.