Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (GO BACK) (Downloadable Text File)

Series: Jack Benny Show
Show: Jack is Late with No Script (West Coast version)
Date: Jan 12 1941

Transcribed by Patte Rosebank

MUSIC:

"JELLO" JINGLE

DON:

"The Jello Program", starring Jack Benny! With Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with "Grounded in Glendale".

MUSIC:

"GROUNDED IN GLENDALE" ... ESTABLISH, THEN FADE UNDER

DON:

One way to describe Jello, ladies and gentlemen, would be to say it's a dessert that makes everybody sit up and take seconds. Because Jello is a grand, tempting treat that always looks and tastes like more. The clear, glowing colors of Jello carry a rich invitation, a promise of rare delight. And it's a promise that's always fulfilled by Jello's swell, refreshing flavour. For sure, you'll like Jello. Sure that, once you try it, you'll want to enjoy it again and again. So, start serving Jello real soon. Ask your grocer for several packages, choosing any or all of Jello's six delicious flavours: Strawberry, Raspberry, Cherry, Orange, Lemon, and Lime. By the way, Strawberry and Raspberry Jello both have a new improved flavour, obtained by using a natural flavour base, artificially enhanced. And the result is a rich, unique goodness, that's better than ever. Serve Jello tomorrow, friends, and discover for yourself why Jello is America's favourite gelatin dessert.

MUSIC:

UP, TO A FINISH

DON:

That was "Grounded in Glendale", played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to bring you that--

PHIL:

Hold it! Hold it, Don. Jack isn't here yet.

DON:

I saw him just a few minutes ago. Where is he?

MARY:

He just went in the other room to talk to his writers. Oh boy, is Jack burned up!

PHIL:

Well, them two guys get away with murder. They never have a program writ til the last minute.

MARY:

Well, I'm going in and see what's happening. Gee, he's always having trouble with his writers.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

JACK:

Now, look, fellas. If I told ya once, I told ya FIVE times. Ya gotta have the program written before we go on the air. Every week, we just barely make it, and now today, look what happened. No script at all.

BELOIN:

Well, what are ya worried about?

MORROW:

Yeah, it's only Friday.

JACK:

It's NOT Friday; it's Sunday. And there's no excuse for you guys not knowing it! I gave BOTH of you calendars for Christmas! I knew this would happen someday.

MORROW:

Well, we were stuck this week. We didn't have no inspiration.

JACK:

(SARCASTIC) Oh, ya didn't?!

BELOIN:

Don't yell at me; I'll fly to pieces.

JACK:

I'm not yelling. I'm just-- I'm just asking you to work, that's all. I'm paying you to work.

MORROW:

And that's another thing. We want more dough.

JACK:

Well, you certainly picked the right time to ask me! You're getting plenty now. What do you want more dough for?

BELOIN:

We wanna get a room tonight.

JACK:

Now, cut that out! Fine team o' writers I've got. I been lookin' for ya all week. Where were ya?

BELOIN:

Soboba Hot Springs.

JACK:

You're not supposed to be in Soboba; you're supposed to be here with me.

MARY:

Come on, Jack; we're waiting for you.

JACK:

Be there in a minute. (TO WRITERS) Now look, fellas.

MORROW:

Hey, who's the dame?

JACK:

That's Mary Livingston! She's on the program! You've met her four hundred times!

BELOIN:

Oh, yeah. That's the girl we write for, Eddie!

MORROW:

You're Eddie. I'm Bill.

JACK:

And I'm Benny. Glad to know ya. Now, now listen, fellas.

MARY:

Jack, you'd better hurry up. Let those dreamboats alone.

JACK:

I told you, Mary, I'll be there in a minute.

MARY:

Okay.

(WRITERS WOLF-WHISTLE AT MARY)

 

MORROW:

Not bad.

JACK:

Stop whistling at her!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

Now look, fellas. Look, we're on the air, so I'm goin' out and do the best I can. Meanwhile, you stay right here, and prepare some kind of a play for us.

BELOIN:

Okay. Say, how 'bout a murder mystery?

JACK:

A murder mystery?

BELOIN:

You know, where a guy comes home and finds his wife in the arms of another man!

MORROW:

Door opens. "Now, I got ya!"

BELOIN:

"Why, Julius! What are YOU doin' here?"

MORROW:

"You know what I'm doin' here! I didn't go to Tarzana at all!"

BELOIN:

"Why Julius, Julius, put down that gun!"

MORROW:

"Oh, no!" Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

BELOIN:

(REACTS TO EACH "BANG" WITH AN "OOH", "OW", "OUCH", ETC.)

JACK:

(YELLING OVER THEM) All right, then write it; write it!

(WRITERS STOP)

 

JACK:

Write it up! Write anything! Write ANYTHING. Just so we can have a program. Now, bring it-- bring it in as soon as possible.

MORROW:

Okay. Gimme the pencil, Eddie.

BELOIN:

You've got it, Bill. I gave it to ya, yesterday.

MORROW:

Oh, no. I gave it back to you.

BELOIN:

Yeah, but after that, I put it in your--

JACK:

HERE, USE MY PENCIL! For heaven's sake, get started! Now, go to work!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

Darn those guys. They go to Soboba Springs, and I have no broadcast.

DON:

What'sa matter, Jack? You having trouble with your writers again?

JACK:

Yeah, Don. Every week, they're getting lazier. And now, tonight, no material at all.

DON:

Why don't you fire 'em, Jack?

MARY:

He can't. They dug up a photograph of Jack when he was in third grade.

PHIL:

What's wrong with that?

MARY:

He was the only kid with a handlebar moustache.

JACK:

Oh, it was just fuzz. You could hardly see it. Anyway, that picture is nothing to do with my writers. If this ever happens again, I WILL fire 'em.

PHIL:

What are ya worried about, Jackson? If ya ever get stuck for material, I'll be glad to let ya have MY author.

JACK:

YOUR author?

PHIL:

Yeah, the guy that writes all my funny stuff for the Wilshire Bowl.

JACK:

Oh, fine. Phil, you're always bragging-- You're always bragging about your writer. I've been to the Bowl a thousand times, and I've never seen him.

PHIL:

Who do ya think parks your car?

JACK:

Oh, so THAT'S your gag man, huh? Well, the next time he points at my Maxwell, and says, "That does it. I'm going on the wagon," I'll run right over him! Remember that. (PAUSE) Say, uh... Say, Dennis?

DENNIS:

Yes, please?

JACK:

Hm. TherDennis, as long as we're stuck here, how 'bout doing your song right away?

DENNIS:

(COCKY) Well, why don't you and I ad lib a little, to and fro?

JACK:

To and fro, eh? All right, Dennis, let's ad lib. I'll start it. Who was that lady I saw you with, last night?

DENNIS:

That was no saw; that was a battle-axe!

JACK:

Well, I think you better sing, Dennis. At least it'll be better than standing around--

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

JACK:

Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BELOIN:

(AS MESSENGER) Special Delivery for Mary Livingstone.

MARY:

Right here, boy. Give him a tip, Jack.

JACK:

Here ya are, buddy. Say, you're rather old for a messenger boy, aren't ya?

BELOIN:

You ain't gonna get the mumps any more yourself, bub!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

And I had to-- I had to give him a fifty cent tip.

PHIL:

Ya gave him a dime.

JACK:

I gave him a quarter! I know what I gave him! Who's the letter from, Mary?

MARY:

It's from my mother, in Plainfield. (LAUGHS)

JACK:

Well, this is one time I'm glad to hear from the old... lady. Yes, sir.

DON:

What's she got to say, Mary?

MARY:

Listen to this. (CLEARS THROAT, THEN READS)

"My darling daughter, Mary. Just a few lines to say hello, and thank you for the small cheque you sent me for Christmas. It looked like a refund from the Gas Company...

JACK:

Boy, is she mercenary.

MARY:

"...By the way, Mary, we have a new address now. We had to move from the old house on Elm Street, as the landlord, who was engaged to your sister, found his glasses.

JACK:

Hey, I thought your sister was very good-looking. She has beautiful skin.

MARY:

Yes, but there's too much of it.

JACK:

Oh. Oh, I see.

MARY:

"...The weather's been awful lately. In fact, it was so cold here, this week, your Uncle Herman froze an ear off. Now, he only has two...

JACK:

More things happen to YOUR relatives...

MARY:

"...And, Mary, I must tell you about New Year's Eve. The whole family went to the--

JACK:

Mary, we had enough o' that letter. How 'bout a song, Dennis?

DENNIS:

Okay!

MARY:

"...The whole family went to the midnight show of Jack's new picture...

JACK:

Mary, we've had enough-- (REALIZES) Oh. Oh, hold it, Dennis. Uh, what was that, Mary?

MARY:

Uh, "...The whole family went to the midnight show of Jack's new picture, 'Love Thy Neighbour'...

JACK:

(PLEASED) Well!

MARY:

"...We weren't in the theatre ten minutes, when your brother Hilliard was thrown out for taking the title seriously...

JACK:

Well, he's just the type.

MARY:

"...No more news, so will close with love to all, from your mother, Smiley Frances Livingstone."

JACK:

I wish SHE had a program, so I could write HER a letter. Well, let's have your song, Dennis. I'm goin' out and see how my writers are coming along. (THREATENING) If they're stalling, I'm gonna give them a...

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

DENNIS' SONG:

"THE ROSE OF TRALLEE"

JACK:

(TO WRITERS) Sure. Sure, fellas, I know it's a good title for a murder mystery, but where's the play?

MORROW:

Well, we got a lot of ideas, but we can't write 'em down.

JACK:

Why not? I gave ya a pencil.

BELOIN:

Yeah, but there ain't no lead in it. See?

JACK:

(SARCASTIC) Oh, there ain't no lead in it? Gimme that pencil! Look, fellas. Ya turn this little knob here, and out comes the lead. It's an automatic pencil.

BELOIN:

Oh, yeah. Look, Bill, ya turn this knob, and the lead comes out.

MORROW:

Say, that's good. Let ME turn it.

BELOIN:

No, I wanna turn it!

MORROW:

Come on, just once!

JACK:

I'VE TURNED IT ALREADY! Look, all ya gotta do it put the pencil on a piece o' paper, and push it a little. Now, please write that mystery play, willya, fellas?

BELOIN:

Okay.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

(MUTTERING) Boy, if I ever get my hands on that picture, I'll fire 'em so fast, they won't know what hit 'em. (TO DON) Well, Don, it'll be a few more minutes yet.

DON:

What'll we do?

JACK:

I don't know what to talk about.

DENNIS:

Me neither.

PHIL:

Why don't we talk about currents and events?

JACK:

You mean-- You mean, CURRENT EVENTS. All right, Phil; let's talk about current events. What do you think of the President's new Deficiency Appropriation Bill?

PHIL:

Anything Wilkie does is okay with me!

JACK:

HE DIDN'T GET IN! "Wilkie did"? What's the matter with you, anyway?

PHIL:

Well, I got a laugh, didn't I? Now, there ya are, Jackson; why don't ya hire ME for a writer?

JACK:

Because I hired ya once for a bandleader, got gypped, and I'm disillusioned. No, I guess we'll just have to stall around til my boys get that play written.

MARY:

Gee, if this was television, you could take your teeth out, and make like Popeye.

JACK:

(SARCASTIC) That's VERY funny.

MARY:

Remember when you dropped 'em at the hockey game in New York, and the Rangers made a goal with 'em?

JACK:

Mary, that wasn't my teeth. That was my cigarette case.

MARY:

Sure grins, don't it?

JACK:

All right, all right. There's no use tryin' to keep this up. I'm goin' in and see if my writers have got anything wr--

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

JACK:

I'll take it.

SFX:

ANSWERS PHONE

JACK:

Hello?

ROCH:

Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester.

JACK:

Rochester, I can't talk to you now.

ROCH:

But this is important, Boss. It's about Mr. Billingsley, our boarder.

JACK:

Mr. Billingsley? What about him?

ROCH:

Well, I been tellin' ya for months to get rid of him; he's gettin' crazier every day.

JACK:

Oh, he's just a little odd, that's all.

ROCH:

Odd or even, call in the wagon.

JACK:

Oh, you just don't like him. What's he done now?

ROCH:

Well, you know that mechanical man he was buildin'?

JACK:

Mechanical man? Oh, you mean that robot.

ROCH:

Yeah. Remember, you said it would never be practical?

JACK:

Uh-huh?

ROCH:

Well, that ain't your cousin Boo Boo walkin' around the kitchen.

JACK:

Oh, my goodness! What's-- what's the robot doing in the kitchen?

ROCH:

He's makin' himself a sandwich. Axle grease on whole wheat.

JACK:

Now, Rochester, this is no time for joking. I don't want that big mechanical thing roaming around my house! Aren't there any buttons to control it?

ROCH:

Yeah, there's three of 'em. When ya press the first one, he knocks ya down.

JACK:

Uh-huh...

ROCH:

And when ya press the second one, he picks ya up.

JACK:

I see. Well, what happens when ya press the third button?

ROCH:

He goes, "WOOOOOOO!"

JACK:

What???

ROCH:

Then slaps ya down again!

JACK:

Well, for heaven's sake, watch out! That thing is dangerous!

ROCH:

If he comes near me again, I'm gonna take a sledgehammer, and beat the ba-batteries out of him.

JACK:

Well, there must be some way to shut it off. Now, look, Rochester, I'll be right home after the broadcast. In the meantime, don't go near the kitchen.

ROCH:

I'm callin' from San Diego!

JACK:

Well, you get right back, and I'll wait up for ya. G'bye.

ROCH:

Goodbye.

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

JACK:

Gee, I-- I never thought that mechanical man would work. Well, I guess I'll have to raise Mr. Billingsley's rent. He's got a roommate now. (TO PHIL) Play something, Phil. I'm goin' in and beat the ga-gags outta my writers.

MUSIC:

(ORCHESTRA)

JACK:

(TO WRITERS) Now look. Look, fellas; look at this page. That word is "MURDERER", not "MOIDERER".

MORROW:

Well-- Well, a gangster would say, "Moiderer".

JACK:

I'm not a gangster; I'm a Police Captain! Read your own script! Now fellas, it's time for our play. So, I'll take what ya got, and bring the rest in as soon as you can. Gimme those pages.

BELOIN:

PLEASE gimme those pages.

JACK:

ALL RIGHT! PLEASE gimme those pages! Now-- Now, concentrate, willya, fellas?

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

JACK:

(MUTTERING) Fine thing. Drama on the installment plan.

DON:

Well, how does it look, Jack? Are we gonna do a play tonight?

JACK:

Yeah, but we'll have to do it without a rehearsal. Here are your parts, kids.

SFX:

HANDING OUT SCRIPTS

JACK:

Now, let's see... I'm gonna be Captain O'Benny, of Police Headquarters. And, Dennis, you'll be my assistant, Sergeant O'Day.

DENNIS:

O' thanks.

JACK:

O' welcome. Now, Mary, you're gonna be the widow, Mrs. J. Malcolm Smith.

MARY:

The widow?

JACK:

Yes. Your husband has been killed, leaving you three-million dollars, an estate on Long Island, and a yacht. And you're all broken up.

MARY:

Why? Does the yacht leak?

JACK:

No, you "loucht" your husband.

MARY:

(LAUGHING) Oh.

JACK:

Now, let's see... Phil... Phil, you'll be the family physician, and Don, you're gonna be the bugler.

DON:

Bugler???

JACK:

Oh, they must mean "BUTLER". You're, uh, you're the butler, Don. Well, so much for casting. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the feature attraction this evening, the Benny "When We Act, You Better Act Like You Enjoy It" Players will present-- will present an original mystery drama entitled "The Murder of Malcolm Smith", or "Although He Wasn't Drafted, He Was Drilled". Say, that's not a bad title. I think I'll get the boys a room tonight. Well, let's go, fellas.

The opening scene is the office of Detective Captain O'Benny, at Police Headquarters. Curtain! Music.

MUSIC:

"I DREAM OF JEANNIE" UP BRIEFLY, THEN FADING OUT UNDER

JACK:

(LA-DA-DA'S ALONG, AS MUSIC FADES OUT) Hey, Sergeant O'Day?

DENNIS:

Yes, Cop?

JACK:

That's "CAP". Did you answer the burglar alarm at the First National Bank?

DENNIS:

Yes, Sir.

JACK:

Well, were there any suspicious characters around?

DENNIS:

No, the furniture movers told me they hadn't seen anybody.

JACK:

Furniture movers???

DENNIS:

Yeah, two fellas with a safe.

JACK:

Those were the burglars! What's the matter with you, anyway?

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

JACK:

I'll take it.

SFX:

ANSWERS PHONE

JACK:

Hello? Police Headquarters.

MARY:

(FILTER) Hello, this is Mrs. J. Malcolm Smith talking.

JACK:

Yes?

MARY:

(FILTER) My husband, J. Malcolm Smith, wealthy stockbroker of New York, Palm Beach, and Miami; heir to the millions left by his father, has been killed!

JACK:

That's shocking news, Mrs. Smith. Are you sure your husband is dead?

SFX:

TWO GUNSHOTS

MARY:

(FILTER) Definitely.

JACK:

Well, we'll be there in five minutes. Goodbye.

DENNIS:

What's up, Chief?

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

JACK:

Wait til I hang up. J. Malcolm Smith, the stockbroker, has been murdered.

DENNIS:

What's the J for?

JACK:

Jazzbo. He sold neckties on the side. Come on, let's get going! This is an important case, Sergeant O'Day. And we're gonna find the murderer of J. Malcolm Smith, or... or... (NO MORE SCRIPT)

DENNIS:

Or what?

JACK:

Or nothing. We're all outta script. (CALLING TO WRITERS) Hey, fellas, hurry up with the rest o' this, willya? (TO PHIL) Play something, Phil.

MUSIC:

"I DREAM OF JEANNIE" BRIEFLY, THEN UNDER

JACK:

Fine writers! They couldn't even finish the sentence! Hold it, Phil.

MUSIC:

OUT SUDDENLY

BELOIN:

Here's a few more pages, Jack.

JACK:

Thanks. Now, go back, and get to work!

MORROW:

We got a union. We're goin' out to eat.

JACK:

Not until ya finish the script!

BELOIN:

Okay, Blue Eyes.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

Even my writers notice 'em. Now, let's see... Oh, yes. (AS O'BENNY) This is an important case, Sergeant O'Day. And we're gonna find the murderer of J. Malcolm Smith, or my name ain't Captain O'Benny! (MUTTERING) Heck, I coulda thought o' that myself. (AS O'BENNY) Let's go!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, SWARMING, UP & UNDER

SFX:

POLICE SIRENS

MUSIC:

OUT

SFX:

SIRENS OUT ... POUNDING ON DOOR

JACK:

Come on! Come on; open the door! This is the Police!

SFX:

MORE POUNDING ON DOOR

JACK:

Open up, or we'll break it down!

DENNIS:

Yeah, down!

JACK:

Come on, O'Day! Let's crash it!

SFX:

BERRY BOX & WOOD BEING CRUSHED AND SPLINTERED ... BREAKING GLASS ... PAUSE ... CIGARETTE CASE FALLS ON FLOOR

JACK:

(TOOTHLESS) There goes my cigarette case. Well, here it is.

DON:

Good evening, gentlemen. Did you ring?

JACK:

I'm Captain O'Benny of Police Headquarters. We're here to investigate the murder of J. Malcolm Smith.

DENNIS:

Yeah, J.

JACK:

(TO DENNIS) Quiet, you! (TO DON) Where's-- Where's Mrs. Smith?

DON:

She's in the library. This way, sir.

JACK:

Come along, O'Day. You stick with me, and make notes.

DENNIS:

How do you get the lead outta this pencil?

JACK:

Look, ya turn this little knob, and out comes the lead. You're as bad as Sammy two writers, Mink and Schmink. Here we are. (TO MARY) Pardon me, are you Mrs. J. Malcolm Smith?

MARY:

Yes, Captain.

JACK:

Tell me what you know about the murder of your husband.

MARY:

Well... We were sitting here in the library, listening to the radio, when all of a sudden, I turned around, and there was my husband on the floor, with five bullet holes in him.

JACK:

You're lying. Here's the body. And he only has one, two, three... He was only shot one, two, three, four times!

SFX:

GUNSHOT

MARY:

Now count 'em.

JACK:

Oh. Gimme that dagger, and I wish my writers would concentrate.

JACK:

Five gunshots. Make a note o' that, O'Day.

DENNIS:

Oh, cop K-- Oh, Cap cop-- OK, Coop--

JACK:

"OK, CAP"! THERE'S NOTHING TO IT! (MUTTERING) Oh, Cap Coop Cop... (TO MARY) Now, Mrs. Smith... I want the truth! You really hated your husband, didn't you? You hated him!

MARY:

No, no, I loved him! I loved him, I tell you, loved him!

JACK:

Then why did ya shoot your husband?

MARY:

He was always saying, "Long time, no see."

JACK:

Don't be flippant, Mrs. Smith. You killed your husband, and I know why. You murdered your husband because... because... (NO MORE SCRIPT) Oh, fine. We're stuck again. (TO PHIL) All right, Phil.

MUSIC:

"I DREAM OF JEANNIE" UP, THEN UNDER

JACK:

This is embarrassing. Hold it, Phil!

MUSIC:

OUT SUDDENLY

JACK:

(TO WRITERS) All right, boys, come on! Some more pages!

BELOIN:

Here ya are, Chum.

JACK:

Thanks!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

JACK:

Oh, yes. (AS O'BENNY) Now listen, Mrs. Smith! You murdered your husband because there's another man in the case! Now, tell me... who's your lover? Who is he?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

PHIL:

Well! What's goin' on here?

MARY:

Hello, darling.

PHIL:

Hello, dear.

JACK:

Aha! The other man. What's YOUR name?

PHIL:

My card, sir.

JACK:

Hmm. (READING) "DR. PHILO HARRISON, FC". What's the FC for?

PHIL:

"Fisician and Cirgeon".

JACK:

Also "Full of Corn", and I like that better. Now listen, Harrison... I don't think you're a doctor at all. Where did you study medicine?

JACK &
PHIL: Madison, Wisconsin.

JACK:

I thought so! Now, come clean, you! You're this woman's sweetheart, aren't you?

PHIL:

Why, that's ridiculous!

MARY:

Preposterous!

PHIL:

Incredifin!

MARY:

Fanafoo!

PHIL:

Poodafim!

MARY:

Ralsafraz!

JACK:

CUT THAT OUT! You two are responsible for the murder of J. Malcolm Smith. And you're under arrest!

PHIL:

You can't arrest us! You can't PROVE that we did it!

JACK:

Oh, yes I can! I know your motive! You killed Mr. Smith because... (NO MORE SCRIPT) Aw, nuts.

MUSIC:

"I DREAM OF JEANNIE" UP, THEN UNDER

DON:

Ladies and gentlemen, while we're waiting for the finish of this thrilling murder mystery, why don't you run down to your neighbourhood grocer, and ask him for a package of Jello. And if you'd like a copy of Jello's wonderful new "Calendar of Desserts" recipe book, just send a dime--ten cents--to Don Wilson, Battle Creek, Michigan. Be sure to do it today.

JACK:

(TO WRITERS) Hey, fellas, we're stuck again!

BELOIN:

Here ya are, chum!

MUSIC:

OUT

JACK:

(TO CAST) All right, let's finish this. (AS O'BENNY) I know your motive, Doctor Harrison! You killed Mr. Smith, because you're in love with his wife! That's the truth now, isn't it?!

PHIL:

No! No, I didn't do it! I didn't kill him!

JACK:

Aw, yes you did! You're guilty of murder, Harrison, murder! And you're gonna HANG for it!

PHIL:

(MELODRAMATIC) All right. I'll confess. I did it. I killed him. I killed him because I hated him! I'm glad he's dead, you understand? Glad! Glad! (BURSTS INTO TEARS, MILKS IT, THEN RECOVERS)

JACK:

Oh, brother.

PHIL:

Not bad, eh? I oughtta get the Academy Award for this!

JACK:

You'll HANG for it! Come on, you two! (TO DENNIS) Slap the handcuffs on him, Sarge.

DENNIS:

I didn't bring 'em with me.

JACK:

Oh well, never mind. It ain't believable anyhow. (TO PHIL) Play, Doctor.

MUSIC:

UP, THEN UNDER

DON:

If you haven't yet sent for your copy of that grand new recipe book, "The Calendar of Desserts", do so real soon. It's a beautiful-looking book, that you'll find a pleasure to own. And let me show you how downright convenient it is to use. Suppose, for example, that you're trying to think of an idea for tomorrow night's dessert. With this new recipe book, you'd simply open it to the page that contains dessert suggestions for January. And there, under January thirteenth, you'd read about a delightful Jello treat called Raspberry Charlotte. A combination of luscious raspberry jam and rich crimson Raspberry Jello. That's all there is to it. You simply name the date, and this clever book suggests the dessert. There are three-hundred sixty-five dessert ideas in this swell book--a different one for every day in the year, including all kinds of pastries, puddings, cakes, and cookies; and many, many desserts made with bright shimmering Jello. So, send for your copy now. Mail ten cents, just ten cents, in coin or stamps, to me, Don Wilson, care of General Foods, Battle Creek, Michigan. Do it tonight!

MUSIC:

UP BRIEFLY, THEN FAST FADE OUT

JACK:

This is the last number of the fifteenth program, in the current Jello series. And we will be with you again, next Sunday night, at the same time. (TO WRITERS) Say, boys, this play turned out all right, but next week, will ya please try and have the program ready before we go on the air?

BELOIN:

Okay.

MORROW:

Hello, Ma! G'night.

JACK:

(LAUGHING) Well, what can I do? Goodnight, folks.

MUSIC:

"JELLO" JINGLE