ANNOUNCER: And now, for your enjoyment, ladies and gentlemen, here are (Sam Gordon) and (Deb Krepps) as the Bickersons in "The Honeymoon is Over." SFX: ALARM CLOCK JOHN: (Startled, just coming to) What's the matter? All right. All right. Blanche! Blanche! SFX: KNOCKS IT OFF THE TABLE BLANCHE: (off) I'm putting a ribbon in my hair. JOHN: Where are you going? BLANCHE: I'm not going anywhere. I just thought I'd like to look nice this morning. JOHN: Why? BLANCHE: I knew you'd forget. You don't even know what day this is. JOHN: I do too. It's rent day. BLANCHE: It is not. Today happens to be our wedding anniversary. JOHN: Well, I knew it was a sad occasion of some kind. BLANCHE: What kind of a remark is that? That supposed to be funny? JOHN: No it isn't supposed to be funny, Blanche. I'm just groggy, that's all. I'm sorry. BLANCHE: I knew you'd forget it. JOHN: I didn't forget it. BLANCHE: So why didn't you say something? JOHN: Blanche, I just opened my eyes. BLANCHE: You forgot it. JOHN: I tell you I didn't forget it. But even if I did you'd remind me of it. Happy Anniversary. BLANCHE: Happy Anniversary. Is that all? No plans? We've been married eight years. Don't you want to do something? JOHN: No. It's too late to do anything. BLANCHE: It's sad about you. How you suffer. I didn't get such a bargain, you know. JOHN: Okay, okay. BLANCHE: There's better fish in the ocean than the one I caught. JOHN: There's better bait, too. BLANCHE: I'm serious. JOHN: Okay, I'm sorry. You hack away at me in the morning and I'm so exhausted I don't know what I'm saying. BLANCHE: You wouldn't be so exhausted if you went to bed at a reasonable hour. JOHN: I had to work overtime. Pour me some coffee. BLANCHE: Get paid? JOHN: I'll get paid. BLANCHE: What time did you get home? JOHN: 12:30. BLANCHE: If you got home at 12:30, why were you so long getting into bed? I know for a fact you didn't come to bed till almost two. JOHN: I was in the kitchen putting the stuff away. BLANCHE: What stuff? JOHN: What's the matter, Blanche? You told me to bring stuff home for the party tonight. You invited a lot of your crumb friends and you told me to bring stuff. So I brought stuff. BLANCHE: Did you bring the potatoes for the potato salad? JOHN: I brought potatoes. BLANCHE: Did you pare them? JOHN: I pared them. BLANCHE: All of them? JOHN: All except one. He had a big knob on top and I couldn't find a mate for him. BLANCHE: I meant... JOHN: I know what you meant, Blanche. I even boiled them last night. Where are my pants? Who stole my pants? BLANCHE: Nobody stole your pants. JOHN: I just looked in the wastebasket and they're not there. My shoes are missing from the sink. BLANCHE: Don't be silly, John. Your pants are on a hanger in the closet and your shoes are in the shoe rack. JOHN: How'd they get there? BLANCHE: I put them there. JOHN: Well I wish you'd quit throwing my things around like that. Gotta get 'em or I'll be late. Blanche: You won't be late. Here are your pants. JOHN: Thanks. Blanche, these aren't my pants. BLANCHE: They're not? Then whose pants are they? JOHN: That's a good question, only I should be asking it. BLANCHE: Don't be so snide. They were baggy, so I pressed them. JOHN: Baggy. BLANCHE: Took me an hour to find the right crease. Be careful you don't wrinkle them now. JOHN: What's the difference? I like my pants to look lived in. BLANCHE: You're dragging the tops on the floor. Hold your trouser leg with your left hand then step in with your right foot... JOHN: Blanche! I've been putting on my own pants for over forty years and I don't need you to be the foreman of it! Hand me my tie. BLANCHE: Which one? JOHN: It doesn't matter, I want to use it for a belt. My suspenders are broken. BLANCHE: Why don't you wear your belt? JOHN: I'm using it to keep the soles from falling off my shoes. BLANCHE: John Bickerson, you know you're just... JOHN: I know it! I know I haven't got a belt. Where's my shirt? Where did you hide my shirt?BLANCHE: I didn't hide it anywhere. JOHN: Well where is it? BLANCHE: I draped it around the canary's cage so he could sleep. JOHN: Is my shirt the only rag you could find to cover that bird's cage with? BLANCHE: Hasn't hurt anything, has it? JOHN: No, but I don't like the way that bird pokes into my pockets. Every time I take a cigarette out I'm smokin' bird seed. Why do you have to cover the cage anyway?BLANCHE: The canary is sensitive to light. JOHN: Well, get him a pair of sunglasses. Leave my shirt alone. No bird's gonna sleep later than I do. SFX: BIRD SINGING. JOHN: Ah, shut up! BLANCHE: John, why must you be so mean on our anniversary? JOHN: Blanche, I'm not mean, I'm worried. Business is bad. My job is hanging by a thread. BLANCHE: You never should have quit your other job. JOHN: You made me quit. You said it wasn't dignified selling bowling balls. You were embarrassed to answer when people asked you what your husband sold. BLANCHE: Well, it sounded like it was trying to start a fight. JOHN: That's no problem for you. I gotta go. BLANCHE: Here. And don't forget your samples. JOHN: I won't forget it. This darned vacuum cleaner gets heavier every day. Straighten this hose around my neck, will you, Blanche? BLANCHE: There, there. Now got everything? JOHN: I think so. No, wait a minute. You got any money? BLANCHE: Well, there's fifty cents in the sugar bowl. JOHN: Fifty cents! BLANCHE: You can bring me the change when you come home. JOHN: Now listen, Blanche,something's gotta be done about this. I can't go down to work like a pauper every day. A man's gotta have a couple of dollars in his pocket. BLANCHE: Now don't yell at me. JOHN: I don't mind going with torn clothes and holes in my socks but I'm not gonna suffer through those lunches anymore. BLANCHE: What's the matter with your lunches? JOHN: You oughta know. You pack 'em for me. I'm just getting sick of carrying my lunch to work in a paper sack. Why can't I go to the restaurant like the other fellas? BLANCHE: John, what are you talking about? I haven't fixed your lunch for two years! JOHN: Oh, Blanche, every morning of my life I find my lunch wrapped in brown paper on the side of the sink. BLANCHE: John, that's the garbage! JOHN: Goodbye, Blanche. BLANCHE: Goodbye, dear. Happy Anniversary.