SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

GENEILLE:

You wanted to see me, Eric?

ERIC:

Yes, Jenno! Very much indeed!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

GENEILLE:

What does my Honey-Bunny want with his Tweety-Sweetie?

ERIC:

Er-- (CLEARS THROAT, AWKWARDLY) Your, uh, Honey-Bunny is most displeased with his, er, Tweety-Sweetie.

GENEILLE:

Why, Eric, what's the matter? Don't you really believe I went to the art gallery with my cousin?

ERIC:

Yes-yes-yes, of course I - I believe you did, darling. It's, er, not because of that I sent for you.

GENEILLE:

Well, why then?

ERIC:

Because of these.

GENEILLE:

Oh, those horrid bills.

ERIC:

Exactly. They've got to stop, Jenno.

GENEILLE:

But I wanted to look nice for my Honey-Bunny.

ERIC:

I quite understand, my darling, but I think you can manage to look fairly presentable for your "Honey-Bunny" in those 24 dresses, 50 hats, and 19 pairs of shoes you bought last month.

GENEILLE:

Oh, Honey-Bunny, are you mad at your Tweety-Sweetie?

ERIC:

Not at my, er, Tweety-Sweetie. From now on you'll have to manage to live on your allowance.

GENEILLE:

Eric! You aren't serious?

ERIC:

I should say I am. Why, you'd think we were married the way you run up bills on me!

ANNOUNCER:

Our radio play for this week, "Guaranteed Love," is based on a story about the selling of magic potions, one of the oldest rackets in the world. This entertaining story is only one of the many fascinating features in next Sunday's issue of the American Weekly, the magazine with the world's greatest circulation. This magazine is distributed each week with every Hearst Sunday newspaper from coast to coast.

SOUND:

SMALL CLOCK BEGINS TO CHIME "WESTMINSTER QUARTERS" ... CONTINUES BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

The little clock on the mantle in the parlor of Madam Zanara -- The Woman from Whom Nothing is Hidden -- chimes the hour. Stifling a yawn with a bejeweled, though somewhat grimy, hand, the madam addresses her husband who is buried behind a newspaper.

SOUND:

CLOCK CHIMES THREE

LOTTIE:

(YAWNS MIGHTILY) Three o'clock. (NO RESPONSE) Bertram!

BERT:

Hmm?

LOTTIE:

I said three o'clock!

BERT:

Hmm?

LOTTIE:

Oh, for the love of mike! Is that all you got to say? Here it is three o'clock, and not a customer in the house!

BERT:

Well, what can I do about it, Lottie? Do you want to give me a reason?

LOTTIE:

(SCORNFUL) You? Huh! Say, you're the one person in the world who gives me a reason to bill myself "The Woman from Whom Nothing is Hidden"!

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER

LOTTIE:

(HUSHED, URGENT) A customer, Bert! Take a squint through that trick mirror in the door and see who it is. I'll straighten up the place.

SOUND:

LOTTIE STRAIGHTENS UP THE PLACE ... FILLS A BRIEF PAUSE

BERT:

(HUSHED, EXCITED) Lottie?!

LOTTIE:

Yeah, Bert?

BERT:

Guess who's here!

LOTTIE:

Oh, I'll have enough guessin' to do when they come in. Go ahead and tell me.

BERT:

It's that hungry filly whose picture was in the roto section, remember?

LOTTIE:

Yeah! Let me see, her name was, uh, er, Crawfish. No, Crawford. Geneille Crawford!

BERT:

Yeah, that's who!

LOTTIE:

That millionaire count, Eric Brender, saw her picture and started runnin' around with her.

BERT:

I just seen in the paper today he's got some other cutie he's hittin' the high spots with.

LOTTIE:

You did?! Bertram, pull the drapes and light the incense burner in the readin' room and get the Victrola goin'! Our rent bill is as good as paid!

BERT:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, Lottie, right away!

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER ... LOTTIE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY, IN CHARACTER) Who asks admittance to the Temple of All Knowledge?

GENEILLE:

Are, uh, you Madam Zanara?

LOTTIE:

I am the great Madam Zanara, yes.

GENEILLE:

I want your help.

LOTTIE:

Enter the Temple of All Knowledge!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

LOTTIE:

Come this way, please.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO INNER DOOR, WHICH OPENS

LOTTIE:

In here, please.

SOUND:

INNER DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC:

FROM THE VICTROLA ... MILDLY EERIE ... IN BG, UNTIL END OF SCENE

GENEILLE:

It's awfully dark. I can't see anything.

LOTTIE:

Your eyes will soon be accustomed to the soft glow of the incense burner. Take this chair.

SOUND:

CHAIR SCRAPES

GENEILLE:

I'm -- sitting before a mirror?

LOTTIE:

Yes. A psychic mirror! Now -- what do you wish to know? Something about your royal sweetheart?

GENEILLE:

(SURPRISED) Oh, you know already!

LOTTIE:

The mirror reflects all to me! You are worried because of some change that has come over him. Am I right?

GENEILLE:

Yes, Madam Zanara.

LOTTIE:

You wish to know if he will marry you?

GENEILLE:

Yes, oh yes!

LOTTIE:

Let us consult the mirror. Ah, let me brush that psychic fog away. Ah! Now! Now the future is clearly revealed! Good! I can see you and the count at the altar!

GENEILLE:

(PLEASED) Oh, really, Madam Zanara?!

LOTTIE:

You look very beautiful and happy.

GENEILLE:

How soon will that come true?

LOTTIE:

I'll see if I can see. You are in a great church -- or cathedral. (ALMOST OUT OF CHARACTER) Ah, but there ain't a calendar or newspaper to tell me the date.

GENEILLE:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, dear!

LOTTIE:

But it must be fairly soon, because the women's clothes don't seem to have changed much.

GENEILLE:

(RELIEVED) Oh! Thank you, Madam Zanara. That's all I need to know.

LOTTIE:

Wait! The mirror tells me only what may happen -- if all goes well!

GENEILLE:

What do you mean?

LOTTIE:

It can only happen if certain obstacles which are in the way are removed.

GENEILLE:

What obstacles, madam?

LOTTIE:

There is another woman -- moving rapidly upon the impressionable heart of the count.

GENEILLE:

Oh, I was afraid of that! It's that dancer!

LOTTIE:

Her influence must be nullified at once!

GENEILLE:

How can I stop her?!

LOTTIE:

Well-- (CONFIDENTIALLY, ALMOST OUT OF CHARACTER) You know, I can sell ya a magical love charm, which'll make your royal suitor forget this other woman.

GENEILLE:

You can?! And you're sure it will help me hold Eric's love?

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY) My child, I am more than sure. I, Madam Zanara, personally guarantee it!

GENEILLE:

Guaranteed love! That's what I'm after! Give me this magical charm!

LOTTIE:

(GREEDILY) Well, first you must give me-- (WITH DIGNITY) Um, how much money have you there in your purse, my child?

GENEILLE:

Five hundred dollars.

LOTTIE:

Hmm, how fortunate. You happen to have the exact amount needed to buy the charm. (CHUCKLES) And I hesitated to mention the price because-- Well, I - I was afraid it might be too expensive.

GENEILLE:

Here's the money.

LOTTIE:

Hmm, thank you.

GENEILLE:

I'd gladly pay ten times this amount! Anything to succeed in holding Eric's love!

LOTTIE:

(ALMOST OUT OF CHARACTER) I'm glad to hear that. (CHUCKLES) You seem to have plenty of what it takes for ultimate success. (GRANDLY) Here is the love charm -- the ashes of two kinds of seaweed, male and female. Give this to your suitor in a glass of wine and he will never leave your side!

MUSIC:

UP FOR BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER

BERT:

(HUSHED) Lottie? Lottie?! That Crawford jane's here again.

LOTTIE:

Well, I ain't surprised. Beat it while I let her in.

BERT:

(MOVING OFF) Okay.

SOUND:

LOTTIE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY, IN CHARACTER) Who wishes to enter the Temple of All Knowledge?

GENEILLE:

(TEARFUL) Oh, Madam Zanara!

LOTTIE:

Oh, it's you, my child. Enter, enter!

GENEILLE:

I gave Eric that love charm, like you said, but it didn't have any effect on him!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

LOTTIE:

Well, I'll be honest with ya. I've gone as far as I can.

GENEILLE:

What should I do? I mustn't lose Eric!

LOTTIE:

(HALF OUT OF CHARACTER) Say! You know what this case really needs is a love potion! Well, that ain't my specialty, but it happens to be [of] a confrere of mine. The greatest love doctor in the world is visitin' me. If you like, I can call him into the case.

GENEILLE:

Oh, will you? Please do, madam.

LOTTIE:

I must warn you, he's very expensive.

GENEILLE:

Expense means nothing to me!

LOTTIE:

(MOVING OFF, OUT OF CHARACTER, TO HERSELF) Hmmm, very stupid. (UP, GRANDLY) I will get my colleague.

SOUND:

LOTTIE'S STEPS TO INNER DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS AS WE FOLLOW HER INTO NEXT ROOM

LOTTIE:

(HUSHED, OUT OF CHARACTER) Bert!

BERT:

Hmm?

LOTTIE:

For heaven's sake, Bert, put down that paper! You always got your nose in it!

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

BERT:

Aww, what's eatin' ya, Lottie? I'm always findin' information in it for ya, ain't I? Didn't I tell ya about that Crawford jane's boyfriend double-crossin' her?

LOTTIE:

Sure, sure. But never mind that! Put your shoes and collar on. You're gonna be my confrere.

BERT:

I'm gonna be your what?

LOTTIE:

My confrere. A colleague I told the jane about; that Crawford jane.

BERT:

But I ain't never been a con-frayer in my life!

LOTTIE:

Well, you are this time. Now get this. All you have to do is to agree with me, and - and look wise. That is, as wise as possible. Hurry up now; she's waitin' out there.

BERT:

(WITH EFFORT) Wait till I get this shoe on. Uhhh, my foot must'a' swelled.

LOTTIE:

Oh, come on, come on. This plum is just right for pickin'!

BERT:

I'm ready, I'm ready.

LOTTIE:

Wait a second. You've got a thumbprint on that celluloid collar.

BERT:

Hm?

LOTTIE:

Here, wet the handkerchief. Here, I'll take it off. There. Now, come on.

SOUND:

INNER DOOR OPENS

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY) My child, you are most fortunate.

SOUND:

INNER DOOR CLOSES

LOTTIE:

The professor has consented to take the case -- for only fifteen hundred dollars!

BERT:

Fifteen hundred--?!

LOTTIE:

That's what you said, professor.

BERT:

What I said? (REALIZES) Oh, yeahhhh!

LOTTIE:

You aren't going to raise your price, are you?

BERT:

Raise my--? Oh, no, indeed.

GENEILLE:

Oh, it's wonderful of you, professor -- to bother with poor little me.

BERT:

Poor little--? Oh, not at all.

GENEILLE:

I came prepared to offer you any amount you asked for today, madam. Professor, here's the fifteen hundred dollars. Now, uh, where's your magical love potion?

BERT:

My magical--?

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY) Here it is, my child!

GENEILLE:

Why-- Oh, this is only a piece of paper.

BERT:

(SURPRISED) So it is.

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY) But there's a powerful prescription inscribed upon it!

BERT:

Powerful description, yes, indeed!

LOTTIE:

Prepare the potion according to the directions -- and mix with chocolate candy!

BERT:

Yeah, chocolate candy!

LOTTIE:

So that your beloved may not suspect the charm is being cast over him!

GENEILLE:

Oh, thank you, madam. I'll do just as you say!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

ERIC:

And, uh, what do you want to do tonight, Jenno?

GENEILLE:

Oh, let's - let's just stay here and listen to the radio, Eric.

ERIC:

Very well, darling.

GENEILLE:

I'll turn it on.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF RADIO SWITCHED ON

GENEILLE:

Um, have a piece of candy, Eric?

ERIC:

Oh, thanks, uh-- Ah! My favorite; chocolate.

MUSIC:

FROM RADIO ... FADES IN, CONTINUES IN BG

GENEILLE:

Honey-Bunny?

ERIC:

Yes, darling?

GENEILLE:

How do you feel?

ERIC:

Fine. Why?

GENEILLE:

I just wondered. Have another piece of candy.

ERIC:

I - I don't mind if I do. These are delicious.

GENEILLE:

(PAUSE) How do you feel now?

ERIC:

Just the same. Why?

GENEILLE:

(INNOCENTLY) Oh, nothing. Have another piece of candy.

ERIC:

(SUSPICIOUS) Hey, what's the matter with this candy?

GENEILLE:

(WORRIED) Oh, does it taste funny?

ERIC:

No, but the way you asked me to have another piece and then asked me how I feel-- It - it just occurred to me that there must be something wrong with it. You - you aren't trying to poison me, are you?

GENEILLE:

(INNOCENTLY) Why, Honey-Bunny, how could you even think of such a thing? (BEAT, ROMANTIC) Oh, listen to that song. What does that remind you of, Eric?

ERIC:

Should it remind me of something?

GENEILLE:

Now you're just teasing me. You know perfectly well it's the piece the orchestra played the very first time you took me out.

ERIC:

Was it? I'd forgotten.

GENEILLE:

Oh, Eric. And I suppose you've forgotten what you told me when you said good night at the doorway.

ERIC:

Well, darling, we've said good night a good many times since then.

GENEILLE:

Yes, Eric. And you said you had something to tell me tonight.

ERIC:

Yes. Yes, Jenno, I - I have. You - you see, I've come to the conclusion--

GENEILLE:

(INTERRUPTS) Oh, wait a minute, Eric. Have another piece of candy.

ERIC:

No, no, thanks, Jenno. (STAMMERS) I - I've come to the conclusion that you - you and I should--

GENEILLE:

Yes, Eric?

ERIC:

That-- That-- Oh, dash it all! The words seem to stick in my throat! And after I rehearsed just what I was going to say, too!

GENEILLE:

Perhaps I can guess what you're going to say.

ERIC:

(SURPRISED) Then you feel the same way?

GENEILLE:

Well, of course I do.

ERIC:

(RELIEVED) Oh, I say, that makes it easier to discuss terms.

GENEILLE:

Terms?

ERIC:

Why, yes. Terms of settlement.

GENEILLE:

Settlement? But I don't--

ERIC:

Oh, come now, darling. Don't try to tell me you don't want to accept a financial settlement. Really that's being too noble.

GENEILLE:

Eric! Aren't you talking about our marriage?

ERIC:

Who said anything about us getting married? I'm trying to make a financial settlement with you. You see, I'm marrying somebody else. She's a dancer.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LOTTIE:

Say, Bert, I wonder if that Crawford jane landed her count. She ain't been back for another love charm since the day you played the part of the professor.

BERT:

Hmm?

LOTTIE:

Bertram, for the love of mike, do you always have to have your nose buried in a newspaper?

BERT:

Hmm?

LOTTIE:

Seems like ya might carry on a conversation once in a while like a human bein'!

BERT:

(SEES SOMETHING IN PAPER, TO HIMSELF) Saaay! What do you know about that?

LOTTIE:

Huh?

BERT:

Listen, Lottie--

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER

LOTTIE:

Oh, I ain't got time to listen. There's somebody at the door.

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER

LOTTIE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, keep your shirt on, sucker; I'm comin'.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

LOTTIE:

(GRANDLY, IN CHARACTER) Who wishes to enter the Temple of All Knowledge?

SERVER:

Madam Zanara?

LOTTIE:

I am the great Madam Zanara, yes.

SERVER:

Then this is for you.

LOTTIE:

(OUT OF CHARACTER) What's this?

SERVER:

A summons to appear in court as defendant in a civil suit, brought by one Geneille Crawford for swindlin'.

LOTTIE:

What? Swindlin'?

SERVER:

Yes. She claims you failed to produce love as guaranteed.

LOTTIE:

(OFFENDED) Well, I never!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

LOTTIE:

Bert! Bert, that Crawford jane's suin' me!

BERT:

Sure, I know, Lottie.

LOTTIE:

You know?! You haven't turned psychic on me, have ya?

BERT:

Me? Shucks, no, Lottie. That's what I was tryin' to tell ya. I just read it here in the paper.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

This radio play to which you have just listened is taken from a story to be found in your copy of the American Weekly, the magazine with the world's largest circulation. This entertaining and educational magazine is distributed with every Hearst Sunday newspaper from coast to coast.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME UNTIL END