Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Life of Riley
Show: Mother in Law
Date: May 13 1945

Cast:
CHESTER A. RILEY, from Brooklyn, worker at Los Angeles aircraft factory
PEG, Riley's long-suffering wife
JUNIOR, Riley's son
BABS, Riley's teenage daughter
GILLIS, Riley's working class neighbor and co-worker
DIGGER, Digby O'Dell, the Friendly Undertaker
MOTHER, Irish and obnoxious
ANNOUNCER
SINGERS

MUSIC:

THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

SINGERS:

Riley, Riley, what a pal!
He's a man who's understood
In Brooklyn or in Hollywood.
Riley, Riley, what a guy!
Though he's built like Boulder Dam
He's tender as a lamb. (CONTINUES HUMMING IN BG)

ANNOUNCER:

The American Meat Institute presents William Bendix in radio's most talked about comedy show, "The Life of Riley."

SFX:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

On this day, set apart to memorialize VE Day, the American Meat Institute and its member companies who sponsor this program, rededicate themselves to their part of the job before us -- supplying meat to our fighters in our still-to-be-concluded war with the Japanese. And now, the American Meat Institute brings you "The Life of Riley."

MUSIC:

THEME, IN AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Like every real American, Chester Riley, California aircraft worker, believes that all people should be free and equal. That goes for every man, woman, child -- and mother-in-law. And Riley's not a man to keep his opinions to himself. And so, the other day, hearing uproarious laughter in the living room, he went in to investigate.

SFX:

LAUGHTER OF BABS AND JUNIOR

BABS:

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's a scream, Junior!

JUNIOR:

(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's a killer, isn't it?! I heard it at school. (LAUGHS)

BABS:

(LAUGHS) Oh, really?

RILEY:

What's goin' on in here? What's all the hilarious hilarity?

BABS:

Oh, oh, go ahead, Junior. Tell it to Dad.

RILEY:

Yeah, Junior, give out. I ain't had a good laugh since last week when my foreman sat down on one of my hot rivets. ... Boy, was his face red! ... Well, come on, let's hear it.

JUNIOR:

Oh, okay, Pop. Well, it seems a man went huntin' in the woods with his mother-in-law. And suddenly the mother-in-law got lost. So he went home. Well, that night, the game warden phoned him and said, "Mr. Jones, we found your mother-in-law. She's caught in a bear trap and there's a bear caught in there, too. What'll we do?" So, old Jones got sore and said, "Just do what any sane man would do -- open the trap and let the poor bear go!"

SFX:

LAUGHTER OF BABS AND JUNIOR, BUT NOT RILEY ... THEN AWKWARD PAUSE

BABS:

Well, Dad? Don't you get it?

JUNIOR:

You see, Pop, the mother-in-law got--

RILEY:

You don't have to explain it. I get it. I got a funny bone in my head. ...

BABS:

But you're not laughing.

RILEY:

How could I laugh? I'm too shocked.

BABS:

Shocked?

RILEY:

Fine kids I got. Makin' fun of the (MISPRONOUNCED) stanktity of motherhood. ... The most sacred thing in life -- next to fatherhood. ...

JUNIOR:

Pop! It wasn't a mother in the trap. It was a mother-in-law.

RILEY:

There's no difference. Take any mother-in-law. Scrape the in-law off of her and what've you got? ... A mother. I'm surprised at you, Babs. Junior I can understand. There's very little chance of him becomin' a mother-in-law. ...

BABS:

Gee, Daddy, you don't have to scowl at me. I mean, lots of people make fun of mother-in-laws.

RILEY:

Yeah, rough riffraff. Just remember one thing, Babs. Every mother-in-law was once born a human bein'. ...

JUNIOR:

Oh, okay, Pop, okay.

RILEY:

I got a mother-in-law and I love her. If it wasn't for her, I'd never have met your mother. And if I never met your mother, that would put you kids in a fine fix! ...

BABS:

All right, Daddy.

RILEY:

Well, don't let it happen again.

PEG:

(ENTERS) Riley, dear.

RILEY:

Oh. Oh, hello, Dumpling. I was just givin' your kids a lecture.

PEG:

Yes, I heard you, and they deserved it. Riley, you really feel that way about my mother?

RILEY:

Well, sure, Peg. You know I'm crazy about my mother-in-law. I always get a wonderful feelin' when I think of that sweet little old lady -- three thousand miles away in Brooklyn. ...

PEG:

Well, I'm - I'm so glad you feel that way, darling. Now I can tell ya.

RILEY:

Tell me what?

PEG:

Well, I'm not supposed to, but-- (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) I got a telegram yesterday from my mother.

RILEY:

Yeah? Well, what does the little angel say?

PEG:

Here, I'll read it to you. Uh, it says, (READS) "Dear Peg, Doctor says I need immediate vacation."

RILEY:

Yes, and the darling deserves one. Where's she goin'?

PEG:

Now, let me finish, Riley. (READS) "Will arrive Los Angeles Sunday."

RILEY:

Los Angeles? Who's she gonna visit in Los Angeles? ... She don't know nobody here except-- (GASPS, UNEASY) She's comin' here! ...

PEG:

And the rest of the wire says, (READS, SWEETLY) "Don't tell Chester. Want to surprise him. Love, Mother."

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RILEY:

Pass the salt, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Here ya are, Riley.

RILEY:

Thank ya.

GILLIS:

Well, what's new?

RILEY:

Oh, nothin' much, Gillis. My Junior was made first-string pitcher for the school team, my daughter's joinin' up to be a nurse's aide, my mother-in-law's comin' to visit us, I gotta get a tooth pulled next week.

GILLIS:

Oh, that's murder. You got my sympathy.

RILEY:

Yeah, it's pretty bad; I - I think I'll take gas. ...

GILLIS:

Gas?

RILEY:

Yeah.

GILLIS:

Ain't that goin' pretty far, just to get away from your mother-in-law?

RILEY:

I'm talkin' 'bout takin' gas for my tooth!

GILLIS:

Oh, your tooth?! Your tooth. Yeah.

RILEY:

What's so terrible about a mother-in-law?

GILLIS:

Riley, I'll trade ya. You give me your toothache, I'll give you my mother-in-law. ...

RILEY:

I got nothin' against my mother-in-law. Besides she's only gonna stay a very short time.

GILLIS:

Ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! That's what you think!

RILEY:

I don't think, I know!

GILLIS:

I know you don't think! ... Listen, sucker, once upon a time my mother-in-law come to visit me for a "very short time." She arrived with an overnight bag. Today, she's got two wardrobe trunks, one steamer trunk, three valises, four hatboxes, and a duffel bag. ... All piled in my garage.

RILEY:

Well, what do you do about your car?

GILLIS:

Car?

RILEY:

Yeah.

GILLIS:

Who sees it? She's always driving it!

RILEY:

Well, you make it sound pretty bad, Gillis, but that's because you ain't reasonable. If forty-eight countries can get along in San Francisco, me and my mother-in-law'll be okay. If I'm reasonable, she'll be reasonable.

GILLIS:

Riley, the minute she moves in, your whole life will be changed. You'll stop bein' a free man; you'll eat what she likes, see the movies she likes, listen to the programs she likes. The minute she establishes a beachhead in your house, you'll be livin' in occupied territory! ... And it'll take more than the Allies to liberate ya. ...

RILEY:

Aw, not my mother-in-law! Why, my sweet wife wouldn't let her treat me like that.

GILLIS:

Oh, she wouldn't?

RILEY:

'Course not. That's the whole trouble with you, Gillis. You don't know my wife nearly as well as I do.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Oh, hello, dear.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

RILEY:

Hiya, dumplin'. How's about a, uh--? You know.

PEG:

Well, don't see why not.

SFX:

BIG KISS

RILEY:

Mm! Not bad. Not bad at all.

PEG:

(LAUGHS) It's the same brand you've been usin' for seventeen years.

RILEY:

(LAUGHS)

PEG:

(MORE SERIOUS) Oh, oh, Riley. Uh, please. Don't throw your hat on the piano.

RILEY:

Well, why not? What's the piano for?

PEG:

Well, certainly not for a hat rack.

RILEY:

Well, Peg, if I don't put my hat on the piano, where'll I put it? We sold our floor lamp. ...

PEG:

Did you ever think of hanging it in the closet?

RILEY:

Closet? Well, I'll try anything once. But, uh, why all the fuss?

PEG:

Well, mother'll be here Sunday and you know how she hates a cluttered up house. Let's get used to being tidy, hm?

RILEY:

(ANGRY) Now Peg, don't let's--! (SUDDENLY MILD) Well, that's reasonable. ...

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Oh, wait, wait, Riley. Uh, not in that closet. Uh, that's not yours anymore.

RILEY:

It ain't?

PEG:

No, I've - moved your things.

RILEY:

Oh. Oh, you - you want me to share the kids' closet, huh?

PEG:

No, that's too crowded. I took the brooms and mops out of the closet on the back porch. You can use that. ...

RILEY:

Back porch? Now listen, Peg, I ain't gettin' up in the mornin' and puttin' my lukewarm body into my ice cold pants! ...

PEG:

(SWEETLY) Oh, but angel, it's only temporary. You do want my mother to have a closet, don't you?

RILEY:

Yeah, but--! (SUDDENLY MILD) O-o-oh, that's reasonable. ... But can I leave my jacket in here for the time bein'?

PEG:

Oh, why don't you wear it at dinner?

RILEY:

Dinner? Are you kiddin'? I just had it cleaned. ...

PEG:

Won't hurt you to get into the habit. Now we're having a guest starting Sunday and it isn't nice manners to come to the table in your shirt sleeves.

RILEY:

She won't see them! I always roll 'em up! ...

PEG:

Please, Riley, for once, do me a--

RILEY:

Okay, okay. I ain't gonna let nothin' spoil my appetite. Not when we got steak for dinner.

PEG:

Oh. We're not having steak tonight. ... I'm - I'm saving it for Sunday when mother gets here.

RILEY:

But what are we gonna eat tonight?

PEG:

Veal loaf.

RILEY:

We had veal loaf yesterday.

PEG:

Well, I fixed it up and it looks lovely.

RILEY:

Then let's take a picture of it! ...

PEG:

Now, Riley, please--!

RILEY:

Okay, dear, okay, I'm a reasonable man. But first I wanna relax. (STRETCHING OUT ON COUCH) O-o-oh, this feels good.

PEG:

(SHARPLY) Riley, please get off that couch!

RILEY:

What's wrong? I always lie down here before supper.

PEG:

Yes, I know, and if there's one thing that mother doesn't like, it's making a living room into a bedroom.

RILEY:

(ANGRY) "Mother doesn't like, mother doesn't like." Now who does she think--?!

PEG:

Now, Riley!

RILEY:

(MILD) Okay, okay, okay. I won't lay on the couch. I'll lay down on my bed.

PEG:

All right. Oh, by the way, when mother gets here, she'll sleep in our room.

RILEY:

In our room? Now wait a minute! Two's company but your mother is a crowd! ...

PEG:

And you'll have to double up with Junior in his room.

RILEY:

Nothin' doin'! He hikes in his sleep! ... Peg, I won't do it!

PEG:

Now, Riley, be reasonable.

RILEY:

(SHOUTS) Reasonable! Reasonable!

PEG:

Don't get excited!

RILEY:

(EXCITEDLY) I'm not excited! Gillis was right. When you open a door to an in-law, you become an outlaw!

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SFX:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

In a moment, we'll hear more of how Riley handles his oncoming mother-in-law. Meanwhile, this is Ken Niles speaking for meat. And with the happiest words I've yet spoken on this program. The great day came on Tuesday. The VE Day the world has awaited for nearly six long years is written into history at last. Our President has set this first Sunday after VE Day as a Sunday of thanksgiving. The American Meat Institute, in place of its regular message at this time, has asked me to give you this special message -- especially appropriate on this Mother's Day Sunday. Let's give thanks to General Ike Eisenhower and his fighting American boys. To our brave British, Russian, and French allies. To the great victory they have just accomplished. But, on this day of thanksgiving over events in Europe, let us turn our eyes and hearts and skills to the west, where America's other war still rages on. Let us remember, our job is not complete until we mark on
the calendar of the world a VJ Day to go alongside that VE Day, that stands for Victory in Europe.

MUSIC:

BRIEF FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to "The Life of Riley," with William Bendix as Riley!

MUSIC:

THEME, IN AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Well, Riley's mother-in-law is en route to Los Angeles and Riley is worried. His trouble-making friend, Jim Gillis, has convinced our hero that a visit from an in-law will mean the end of Riley's happy home life. Poor Riley is so confused that right now he's writing out a telegram, hoping to get his mother-in-law to turn around and go back East.

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) Uh, let's see. I've gotta get this telegram right. "Mrs. Harriet Turnbull, California Limited Westbound. Dear Peg's Mother. ... Bad news. Los Angeles at war with Pomona." ... No. No, no, no, she won't believe that. She's pretty smart. Oh! Oh, I got it. "Terrific blizzard raging here in California. Also, many cases of sunstroke. Big volcano expected. Also flood. Wish you were here but turn back immediately. Love and kisses from your--"

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Hello, dear. What are you doing?

RILEY:

(SURPRISED) Oh! Oh, oh, oh, Peg! I didn't know you were in the house. I - I - I was - I was just gonna - take a walk.

PEG:

Oh, that'll do you good, dear. Uh, whatcha writing?

RILEY:

Writin'? I ain't writin'.

PEG:

Now, look, you've got a pen in your hand; there's paper all over the floor; if you're not writing, what on earth are you doing?

RILEY:

What am I--? Wha--? Well, I, uh-- I, uh, I - I just got a new blotter from the bank and I'm testin' it, that's all. ... Testin' the--

PEG:

What's that paper you just threw in the wastebasket?

RILEY:

Puh-puh-puh-paper?

PEG:

Hm? Let me see it.

RILEY:

Peg, Peg, you-- (SUDDENLY SHOUTS) Oh, Peg! Peg! I smell somethin' burnin' in the icebox! In the kitchen! Go on!

PEG:

Let me read this. I know you're hiding somethin' from me. Let's see. (READS) "Mrs. Harriet Turnbull, California Limited Westbound." (PLEASED) Why, it's a telegram to Mother! You darling!

RILEY:

Ah. Well--

PEG:

Why, what a lovely thought, welcoming her. I should have thought of it.

RILEY:

(MUTTERS) I wish you had. (NORMAL VOICE) Peg! Peg, give me the paper, will ya?

PEG:

No, let me finish reading it.

RILEY:

Well--

PEG:

Uh-- (READS) Terrific blizzard here. Sunstroke. Turn back! (UPSET) Oh! Oh, Riley!

RILEY:

Well, it don't really mean what it says! It's in code! ...

PEG:

And you were gonna send this to my mother! Chester Riley, how could you think of such a thing?

RILEY:

It wasn't easy. ...

PEG:

Pretending you liked her!

RILEY:

But, Peg--!

PEG:

(MOVING OFF) Excuse me! I'm busy!

RILEY:

But, Peg--!

SFX:

DOOR SLAMS

RILEY:

(DISGUSTED) That Robert Fulton had to invent the telegraph! ... Why don't some guys leave well enough alone?!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

RILEY:

And then, Gillis, my wife caught me writin' the telegram.

GILLIS:

Was she mad?

RILEY:

Mad! I ain't seen Peg so mad since our weddin' night when I carried her across the threshold and bumped her head against the transom. ...

GILLIS:

Well, what's your next move, Riley?

RILEY:

Oh, nothin' I guess. I'll just have to figure out some way to handle my mother-in-law when she gets here.

GILLIS:

Oh. Oh, you're gonna handle her?

RILEY:

Yeah.

GILLIS:

Then take my advice. Get yourself a chair and a whip. ...

RILEY:

Gee whiz, Gillis, what can I do?

GILLIS:

Open your mouth and put your foot down. ...

RILEY:

But her train gets in this afternoon.

GILLIS:

Well, she can stay at a hotel, can't she? Let her drive the bellhops crazy! ...

RILEY:

I know. But, after all, she is Peg's mother. Ain't it kinda selfish to--?

GILLIS:

Riley, I'm tellin' you this for the sake o' your kids and your home! You gotta protect your home. After all, you take out termite insurance, don't ya? ...

RILEY:

Well, say, I never thought of it that way. You're right, Gillis, I owe it to Peg. It's my duty!

GILLIS:

Now you're talkin'! Go home and lay down the law. No more chewin' the fat.

RILEY:

No more chewin' the fat.

GILLIS:

You're the head of the house.

RILEY:

I'm the head of the house.

GILLIS:

And if her mother comes -- you go!

RILEY:

Gillis, you're right! For the sake of my family, I'm goin' right home and lay down the law to Peg!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PEG:

Oh, Babs, dear, who was that at the door just now?

BABS:

Western Union. It's a telegram for you, Mother.

PEG:

Oh, for me? Well, let me see.

SFX:

ENVELOPE TORN OPEN

BABS:

Who's it from?

PEG:

Why, it's from your grandmother. (BEAT) Well, for heaven's sake!

BABS:

Well, what's Gramma say?

PEG:

(LAUGHS) Here. Read it. (LAUGHS)

BABS:

(BEAT) Oh, Mother! (LAUGHS) Oh, Mother, wait till Daddy sees this! Won't he be surprised?

PEG:

(LAUGHS) Surprised isn't the word for it. (STOPS LAUGHING) Oh. Oh, there's your father now.

BABS:

Oh.

PEG:

Now, listen. You and Junior are not to say a word about this wire. I want to tell your father myself.

BABS:

(MOVING OFF) I'll go and tell Junior.

RILEY:

(ENTERS) Peg? Peg? Oh. Oh, here you are.

PEG:

Riley, I've got somethin' to tell ya.

RILEY:

Okay, but first I've got somethin' to tell you. Peg, the time has come for me to open my mouth. ... I'm through chewin'. ...

PEG:

Riley, I just got another telegram.

RILEY:

Peg, from now on I'm the fathead of the house! ... So, I'm layin' down the law -- about your mother.

PEG:

But, Riley, that's what I wanted--

RILEY:

Now, let me finish, Peg. I got nothin' against your mother. I love her and I respect her and she's welcome to stay here as long as she wants, providin' she goes to a hotel. ... I'll even pay all the bills.

PEG:

Oh. I see. Then mother can't stay here?

RILEY:

For the sake of our home ---- no.

PEG:

And suppose I object?

RILEY:

Well. Well, if your mother comes here ---- I go.

PEG:

Very well, then I guess you'll have to go.

RILEY:

I--! ... Peg, didn't you hear me? I said if your mother comes, I go!

PEG:

Yes, I heard you. (PAUSE) Well, what're you waitin' for? Go. Go on, go. Go!

RILEY:

Okay, I can take a hint. ... I don't have to stay here where I'm not wanted; I'll just pack all my stuff.

SFX:

PICKING UP STUFF

RILEY:

A fine thing when a man is thrown out of his own house. Gee, I got more stuff than I thought. I can't put all this in my pockets so - maybe I'd better postpone--

PEG:

There's your valise.

RILEY:

Uh. Thank you. I'll just put this stuff in here.

SFX:

PUTS STUFF IN VALISE ... VALISE CLICKS SHUT

RILEY:

We - we used this same valise on our honeymoon. It's still got the label from the Hotel Hoboken. ...

PEG:

I know.

BABS:

(ENTERS) What are you doing, Daddy?

JUNIOR:

(ENTERS) Hey, what's goin' on?

RILEY:

(WITH HEARTFELT FINALITY) Goodbye, kids! ...

BABS:

Good--? Goodbye? Well, where're you going, Daddy?

RILEY:

Your mother will explain. (BRAVELY) Well, goodbye, Junior! - Goodbye, Babs! - Goodbye, Peg! (PAUSE) Well, goodbye, Junior. ... Oh, I said that to ya. Well, goodbye.

SFX:

DOOR RATTLES

RILEY:

Er, this door is stuck.

PEG:

You didn't turn the knob. ...

RILEY:

Oh.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

Well. (WEAKLY) Goodbye.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

BABS:

Mother, why is Daddy going--?

PEG:

Now, don't worry, dear. He'll be back soon enough. I think he needs a little lesson.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

(ANXIOUS) Did you call, Peg?! ...

PEG:

What? No, I didn't call.

RILEY:

Oh. Oh, well. Well, goodbye. I'll - I'll let you know where to come for my paycheck.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

BIRD WHISTLES

RILEY:

Beat it, bird. Go on, go on bird, go home.

SFX:

BIRD WHISTLES

RILEY:

Go on, bird, be smart. Go home. (SADLY) This - this park is for birds that ain't got no home, like me.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL

DIGGER:

Greetings, Riley. ...

RILEY:

(AFTER A PAUSE) Huh?

DIGGER:

Don't you recognize me, Riley? It's Digby O'Dell, the Friendly Undertaker. ...

RILEY:

Oh! Oh, oh, hello, Digger. I - I didn't see ya. I guess my brain is somewheres else.

DIGGER:

Pray tell me, Riley. What are you doing here in the park?

RILEY:

I've been walkin' for hours. I'm dead.

DIGGER:

You are? You should lie down. ...

RILEY:

I can't. I - I left home. I got no place to stay.

DIGGER:

You left home?

RILEY:

Yeah. Don't ask me why, but I left. I been lookin' for a room all day. No luck.

DIGGER:

Digby O'Dell never lets a friend down. I'm positive I can dig you up a resting place. ...

RILEY:

Don't go to no trouble, Digger.

DIGGER:

Why, it'll be a pleasure -- you big stiff. ... I have it. You can spend the night at my place.

RILEY:

Oh, no, no.

DIGGER:

Why not? It's very quiet down there. No snoring. ... You see, my family's away, so our house is empty.

RILEY:

No, I-- Oh! Oh, your house! Oh. Well, no thanks all the same, Digger, I'll find some place. Digger, did you ever have any mother-in-law trouble?

DIGGER:

Never, Riley. I'm mad about my mother-in-law. Simply mad. She's charming, cheerful, and chucklesome. I adore my mother-in-law. She's so gay! ...

RILEY:

You're lucky, Digger.

DIGGER:

As a matter of fact, these flowers that I have here are for my mother-in-law, to celebrate Mother's Day.

RILEY:

Yes. (BEAT) Mother's Day? Today is Mother's Day. I forgot! Digger, walkin' out on Peg was bad enough, but doin' it on Mother's Day makes it even worse!

DIGGER:

Come, come, Riley, control yourself.

RILEY:

I'm - I'm goin' home. I'm goin' home and apologize. Maybe she won't ever speak to me again, maybe she'll never even let me in the house, but I won't care as long as she takes me back! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Oh, it's you. Hello, Riley.

RILEY:

Peg?

PEG:

Yes?

RILEY:

(VERY CONTRITE) Peg, I - I - just dropped in to say - Happy Mother's Day.

PEG:

Oh. Oh, it is Mother's Day, isn't it?

RILEY:

Yeah. Peg. Peg, I was wrong. That Gillis, he talked me into it. Peg, you ought to know me by this time. I ain't got a mind of my own, so I use anybody's. ... Peg, Peg, I like your mother, honest I do. I'll stay in this house as long as she lets me. ... Well, Dumplin', can I come in?

PEG:

(GENTLE LAUGH) Of course, you can.

RILEY:

Well. Would it be all right if I sorta kissed ya?

PEG:

Well, don't see any harm.

RILEY:

Aw, gee, Dumplin', you made a new man out of me.

PEG:

(PAUSE FOR KISS, BREATHLESS) Oh! Well, I - I certainly did! Oh stop it, Riley! ...

RILEY:

(LAUGHS) Aw, gee, you're wonderful to forgive me, darlin'. Oh! Oh, well, now I better get down to the station and meet your sweet mom.

PEG:

Oh!

RILEY:

So long, Dumplin'!

PEG:

Wait a minute, Riley, Riley! Mother's here all ready. Her train got in an hour ago.

RILEY:

She's here?

PEG:

Yes.

RILEY:

Well, where is the little darlin'?

PEG:

In her room. (CALLS) Oh, Mother, Chester's here!

MOTHER:

(IRISH) Hello, my darlin' boy!

RILEY:

Hello, sweetheart! Hey! Peg, you know somethin'? Your mother's gettin' to look just like my mother. (PAUSE) Wait a minute. Your mother ain't your mother. She's my mother! Holy smoke, it's my mother! ...

MOTHER:

Will you stop that gibberin', Riley, and come here and kiss yer ol' mother?

RILEY:

Mom! Mom! Gee, Mom! Well, gee, you're lookin' great, Mom! Give me a hug!

MOTHER:

Oh! Oh! You're squashin' me, ya big ape! ...

RILEY:

Well, why didn't you let us know you were comin', Mom?

PEG:

(LAUGHS) But she did, Riley. The telegram we got was signed "Mother" and it was sent to me, so I thought it was from my mother. But I got another wire this morning signed "Mother Riley." I tried to tell you but you--

RILEY:

Oh, well, what's the difference? My mother, your mother-in-law -- I love 'em both! ... Gee, Mom. Gee, let me look at you. Ah, yessirree, you're still beautiful. You could pass for my sister.

MOTHER:

Sister? Well, I like that. (SAVAGE) The way you look now, Chester, you could pass for my father.

RILEY:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY) Same old Mom. (LAUGHS)

PEG:

Oh, well, the steaks are almost done. We'd better start dinner.

RILEY:

Yeah, come on, Mom. Let's put on a nosebag.

MOTHER:

(ADMONISHES) Chester, don't say nosebag!

RILEY:

(SUDDENLY MILD) Oh. Okay, Mom.

MOTHER:

(SHARP) Chester, is that your hat on the piano?

RILEY:

Uh, yes, Mom.

MOTHER:

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a man who clutters up the living room.

PEG:

(A KNOWING LAUGH) ...

RILEY:

I don't see the joke, Peg.

MOTHER:

Come on, hurry up, Chester, wash your hands. We don't want dinner to spoil.

RILEY:

I'll be right with ya, Mom. (SIGHS, SINGS TO HIMSELF) "M is for the million things she gave me, O is only that she's growing old--"

MOTHER:

(CALLS OUT, FROM OFF) Chester! Chester Riley!

RILEY:

(UNCONSCIOUSLY IMITATING HENRY ALDRICH) Coming, Motherrrrr! ...

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SFX:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Now that VE Day is a fact, it may be natural to ask, "How soon will we get more meat? How about that steak?" This question is clearly answered in the following official statement just released by the Office of War Information. VE Day does not mean a reduction in the army's meat requirements for 1945 any more than it does a reduction in the army's overall food requirements. Troops in Europe will get less canned meat rations, they will get more fresh meats, which many combat troops have wanted so much. And no matter how they slice it, they will want, and need, and get, as much meat overall as they did before victory in Europe, if not more. On top of this continued need in Europe is the obvious fact that stocks in the Pacific, particularly of canned meats and combat rations, must be increased for the intensified war against Japan. The meat industry believes this official statement by Washington authorities should be known to as many people as
possible. That is why we broadcast it today.

MUSIC:

THEME, IN AND OUT

RILEY:

Dumplin', do you really forgive me for actin' the way I did?

PEG:

Oh, of course I do.

RILEY:

Gee, you shoulda slapped me down or somethin'. I acted like a dope!

PEG:

Yes, but you're a sweet dope.

RILEY:

Aw, you say the nicest things. Heh. You know, Dumplin'?

PEG:

What, dear?

RILEY:

I don't say this to every woman, but ... someday you're gonna make some nice young man a wonderful mother-in-law. (LAUGHS)

MUSIC:

TO A QUICK FINISH

SFX:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES ... THEN OUT

MUSIC:

THEME, IN BG

SINGERS:

The world is full of Rileys
No matter what their name.
They're workin' on the beltlines
And goin' to baseball games.

Riley, Riley, what a man!
Life is merry and so gay
The Life of Riley way.

MUSIC:

THEME, FILLS A PAUSE ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Don't miss "The Life of Riley," starring William Bendix as Riley, and presented by the American Meat Institute, next week at this same time. Next week, Riley tries to straighten out his teenage daughter's love life. Result? Grief for Riley, laughs for us. Don't miss it. William Bendix plays Riley by arrangement with Hal Roach. This program is directed by Don Bernard, with music by Lou Kosloff.

MUSIC:

THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

SFX:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES ... THEN OUT