Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Favorite Husband
Show: Spring Cleaning
Date: Apr 30 1950

CAST:
ANNOUNCER, Bob LeMond
SINGERS
LIZ
GEORGE, Liz's favorite husband
KATY, the maid
MR. ATTERBURY, George's boss

ANNOUNCER:

It's time for "My Favorite Husband," starring Lucille Ball.

LIZ:

(GREETING) Jell-O, everybody!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the gay family series, starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, transcribed and brought to you by the Jell-O family of desserts.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Oooooh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O tap-pioca puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH ... AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Lucille Ball with Richard Denning as Liz and George Cooper -- two people who live together, and like it.

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

As we look in on the Coopers, it's a beautiful spring day and Liz is just going into the kitchen to talk to Katy, the maid.

LIZ:

Oh, Katy?

KATY:

Yes, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Katy, I've been talking to Mr. Cooper about a raise for you.

KATY:

Uh-oh.

LIZ:

What kind of an "Uh-oh" is that?

KATY:

Oh, whenever you want me to do something I won't like, you dangle a raise in front of me.

LIZ:

Oh, I was hoping you'd forget. You've got a memory like an elephant.

KATY:

I guess it comes from working for peanuts. ... Oh, pardon me, Mrs. Cooper, I didn't mean it.

LIZ:

That's okay, Katy. But I'm serious about the raise. Now, you deserve it. And I don't want anything from you.

KATY:

You don't want anything?

LIZ:

Well, hardly anything.

KATY:

Let's have it.

LIZ:

Well, this is the day we decided to do the spring cleaning, remember?

KATY:

Oh, that's funny. I'd forgotten all about it.

LIZ:

(DRY) Oh, come now, Jumbo. ...

KATY:

I'll make a deal with you. You forget about spring housecleaning and I'll forget about the raise.

LIZ:

Oh, I can't, Katy. But don't worry. It isn't going to be half as hard this year.

KATY:

Why not?

LIZ:

I know where I can get you an extra pair of strong arms.

KATY:

Won't it make my shoulders too crowded? ...

LIZ:

No, Katy. I mean George is going to help us.

KATY:

He is? When did he say that?

LIZ:

As soon as I tell him about it. ...

KATY:

I thought so.

LIZ:

Well, this year, I'm gonna put my foot down and George is going to help. Last year who did all the heavy work?

KATY:

I did.

LIZ:

Who waxed all the floors and washed all the windows?

KATY:

I did.

LIZ:

Who carried the trunks up to the attic and repainted the lawn furniture?

KATY:

I did. I did everything.

LIZ:

Darned right! And I'm getting sick and tired of it! ...

KATY:

An old elephant thanks you. ...

LIZ:

That's all right. When you die, just leave me your tusks. ...

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper, I've been married five times, and I know there's only one good way to get a man to help with the spring cleaning. Shame him into it.

LIZ:

Shame him into it?

KATY:

Yes. If he comes home and sees you carrying things that are too heavy for you and just working like a horse, he'll offer to help you.

LIZ:

Oh, Katy, that's a wonderful idea. George will be home any minute. Help me get the piano up on my back. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

ATTERBURY:

Come in.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Oh, pardon me, sir, but--

ATTERBURY:

Oh! George-boy. Glad you came in. I wanted to tell you I won't be able to make our golf date this afternoon. Uh, business.

GEORGE:

Oh. Well, I'll find something to do.

ATTERBURY:

Yes. (TEASING) Why don't you just stay here and dictate to your new secretary, Gladys?

GEORGE:

That's what I came to see you about, sir. I'll have to do something about her.

ATTERBURY:

(INSINUATING) Sounds like you already have. ... From what I hear, Gladys is sweet on you.

GEORGE:

Well she certainly has no reason to be.

ATTERBURY:

Oh? And do you know what she calls you in front of the other girls?

GEORGE:

No. And I'm not interested!

ATTERBURY:

Yeah. Well, okay, okay, boy. I won't force it on you.

GEORGE:

(BEAT, GIVES IN) What's she call me? ...

ATTERBURY:

She calls you - (CHUCKLES) - "Cuddles" Cooper. ...

GEORGE:

Aw, no.

ATTERBURY:

Oh, you sly devil, you! ...

GEORGE:

All right. That's very funny. But I'm not getting my work done. Can't you transfer Gladys and get me someone else?

ATTERBURY:

Oh, now give her a chance, George. She's young. Why don't you have a talk with her?

GEORGE:

Well, how can I? She comes into the office and sits there looking at me like a cocker spaniel. What _can_I say to her?

ATTERBURY:

Have you tried, "Here, Gladys! Here, Gladys!"? ...

GEORGE:

Look at this note she left on my desk.

ATTERBURY:

Oh, let's see. (READS) "Oh, what a lucky girl am I. Who wouldn't like to be me? / Who wouldn't like to have a boss so handsome, blonde and dreamy?"

GEORGE:

There. You see what I mean?

ATTERBURY:

(TEASING) Now that I look at you, George, you _are_sort of dreamy. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, Mr. Atterbury. Are you going to give me another secretary or not?

ATTERBURY:

Well, I'll tell you what, George. Think it over. And if you still feel this way Monday, I'll find someone in the office who'll trade secretaries with you. Maybe Joe Ridgely.

GEORGE:

Oh, that'll be fine.

ATTERBURY:

Yes. I'm sorry about the golf game this afternoon.

GEORGE:

Oh, that's all right. I'm sort of tired anyway. It'll be nice to loll around the house all afternoon, doing nothing.

ATTERBURY:

Ah, wish I could. Well, so long, "Cuddles." ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper, Mr. Cooper's comin' up the walk.

LIZ:

Okay, I just have to pick up this bucket here by the door.

SOUND:

SCRAPE OF METAL BUCKET

KATY:

Oh, here, let me help you. You can't carry that big bucket of ashes by yourself.

LIZ:

Oh, yes, I can. It's not heavy. See?

KATY:

But I don't understand.

LIZ:

Look, just because I want George to think it's heavy doesn't mean it has to be heavy. I filled it up with paper and just sprinkled an inch of ashes on the top.

KATY:

Oh, that's tricky.

LIZ:

Oh, you'd be surprised how heavy it's going to be when George gets here.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

(OFF) Hey, honey? I'm home!

LIZ:

(TO KATY) Oh, now it gets heavy. Uh, (WITH EFFORT, TO GEORGE) I'm in here, George! ...

GEORGE:

(CLOSER) Oh. Hi, Liz.

LIZ:

(STRAINING, WITH EXTRAVAGANT EFFORT) Hello, George. How are you? (GRUNTS) ...

GEORGE:

Fine, dear. What's new?

LIZ:

(STRAINING) Not much. What's new with you? ...

GEORGE:

You, uh, feel all right, Liz? Your voice sounds funny.

LIZ:

(STILL STRUGGLING) Oh, I'm all right. I'm just carrying these ashes outside. (BIG GRUNT) ...

GEORGE:

Oh, honey. You shouldn't be doing that.

LIZ:

(DROPS THE ACT, PLEASED) I shouldn't?

GEORGE:

No! You're liable to spill ashes on the rug! ...

SOUND:

BUCKET IS SET DOWN

LIZ:

(INDIGNANT) Well, I should have known.

GEORGE:

Should have known what?

LIZ:

Should have known better than to be subtle. I thought if you saw me struggling with this heavy bucket of ashes, you'd leap up and help me.

GEORGE:

Well--

LIZ:

Other men help their wives with the heavy work and there's no reason why you shouldn't help with the spring housecleaning.

GEORGE:

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt me to do a little work--

LIZ:

That's right! Make excuses! ...

GEORGE:

Look, Liz, I said I'd be glad to help.

LIZ:

The one time of the year when I ask you to do something around the house and--! (DOUBLE TAKE) You did?!

GEORGE:

Sure. Aw, uh-- Here, I'll take my coat off and tackle that can of ashes right now.

LIZ:

Oh, all right. (REALIZES, QUICKLY) Oh, no, George. I'll carry this.

GEORGE:

(DISMISSIVE) No, no. Nonsense. It's much too heavy for you. Why, you can hardly lift it.

LIZ:

Oh, but - but I'd rather-- I - I -

GEORGE:

Out of the way. I'll show you how a man lifts a heavy thing like this. ... One - two - three. (GRUNTS AND THEN YELPS)

SOUND:

BUCKET GOES FLYING AND CRASHES ... GEORGE FALLS DOWN ...

GEORGE:

(DAZED AND CONFUSED) What happened? Who hit me? ... Where'd the can go?

LIZ:

(TRYING TO COVER, LOVINGLY) Oh, my, you're strong, George.

GEORGE:

Yeah.

LIZ:

You tossed it clear across the room. Get up off the floor.

GEORGE:

(REALIZES, UPSET) What a dirty trick -- filling the ash can with paper. (MOVING OFF) Well, if you're going to play that way, you can do your own housework.

KATY:

(ENTERS) Hello, Mr. Cooper.

GEORGE:

(STORMING OFF) Hello! (EXITS)

KATY:

Well, what's wrong with him?

LIZ:

Oh, my trick backfired. We just lost two strong arms.

KATY:

Oh, well. I been cleanin' out Mr. Cooper's den and I don't know what to do with this box.

LIZ:

What's in it?

KATY:

Oh, some old letters. They look like love letters to Mr. Cooper.

LIZ:

Oh. Well, ask him what he wants to do-- Love letters to Mr. Cooper?

KATY:

I think so. It's a woman's handwriting in purple ink. Well, I'll ask him what he wants--

LIZ:

Oh, just a second, Katy. I'll take care of those.

KATY:

Here. You're not gonna read them, are you?

LIZ:

Of course not. Whatever gave you an idea like that?

KATY:

I don't know. Something about the way you picked that one up and opened the flap. ...

LIZ:

Well, you're right. It's addressed to George, and I'm not going to read it.

KATY:

Good for you.

LIZ:

Here, you read it to me. ...

KATY:

What?

LIZ:

Then if George asks me if I read it, I can say "no" with a clear conscience. Go ahead, Katy. Let's see what George's correspondent sounded like in his dear old bachelor days.

KATY:

Well--

SOUND:

LETTER OPENED

KATY:

(CLEARS THROAT, READS) "Dear Coopie-Woopie." ...

LIZ:

Ohhhh!

KATY:

(READS) "Although we have just met, I feel I've known you always."

LIZ:

Now there's an original thought.

KATY:

"No matter where I go, I see your face before me. That's why I'm throwing myself at your feet." ...

LIZ:

His face isn't _that_bad.

KATY:

Then it finishes up with a poem. (READS) "If you want me to holler 'whoopee,' / then say you'll be my Coopie-Poopie." ...

LIZ:

(DRY) Signed, Droopy. ...

KATY:

No, it's signed "Anxious."

LIZ:

Well there's a masterpiece of understatement. Are there any more from her, Katy?

KATY:

Oh, yes. There's a whole pile of them. But this is the best one of the bunch. (BEAT) ...

LIZ:

(ACCUSING) Why, Katy! (THEN EAGERLY) Let me see the rest.

KATY:

Okay. It's this pile marked, "G. C. from E. E."

LIZ:

Uh-oh.

KATY:

No. "E. E." ...

LIZ:

Never mind, Katy. I just remembered who wrote that letter.

KATY:

Who?

LIZ:

Shake hands with "E. E.", formerly "Anxious." ...

KATY:

You wrote them?

LIZ:

That's right. Boy, I really must have been anxious. I sent it "Special Delivery." (CHUCKLES)

KATY:

Well, I'll deliver it to the attic.

LIZ:

Wait a minute, Katy. I know how I can get George into a good humor again.

KATY:

How?

LIZ:

If I didn't remember that letter, George won't either. I'm gonna seal it up and tell him it was just delivered. I'll pretend to be real jealous and think it's from another woman.

KATY:

You're playin' with fire, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

Oh, don't be silly. He'll get a big kick out of it. It'd be different if there was the slightest possibility of another woman, but not with George. Why, he's - he's just good old George. ...

KATY:

He's a man, isn't he?

LIZ:

Oh, Katy. You just stick around. This is gonna be fun.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

KATY:

Here he comes now, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

Okay. (CALLS) George? George?

GEORGE:

Yes?

LIZ:

Oh, this letter on the table; it just came.

GEORGE:

Mail? On Saturday afternoon?

LIZ:

Yes, it's for you. It came "Special Delivery." Why don't you open it and see who it's from?

GEORGE:

All right.

SOUND:

ENVELOPE SLIT OPEN, LETTER UNFOLDED

GEORGE:

(READS) "Dear Coopie-Woop--" Whoop! ... (MUMBLES TO HIMSELF, READING) Oh, no.

LIZ:

Who's it from, George?

GEORGE:

(TRYING TO COVER) Uh-- Uh, the gas company. ...

LIZ:

Oh. How come the gas company sent you a "Special Delivery"? You got bigger burners? ...

GEORGE:

I, uh, forgot to pay the bill.

LIZ:

Oh, and they wrote to you in purple ink. (PLAYFULLY) George, are you and the gas company going steady?

GEORGE:

Look, let-let's just forget it, Liz. It's a bill. I'll take care of it.

LIZ:

(TEASING) George, I'll bet that letter's from a girl!

GEORGE:

(GETS DEFENSIVE AND STORMS OFF) I told you it isn't! Now let me alone!

LIZ:

Well, you don't have to get huffy about it. (CALLS AFTER HIM) For your information that letter--!

SOUND:

DEN DOOR SLAMS, OFF

LIZ:

(GASPS, THEN WEEPS EXTRAVAGANTLY) --is from me! (SOBS)

KATY:

Aw, now, don't cry, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

(THROUGH HER TEARS) Oh, Katy, there _ woman in George's life. You should have seen the guilty look on his face.

KATY:

But you wanted him to think it was from someone else.

LIZ:

Sure, I wanted him to think it was from someone else. But he thinks it's from someone else! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Well, no doubt spring housecleaning is sweeping the country right now, and every woman's as busy as a beaver. So here's a swell time-saving tip -- delectable desserts made "quick as a wink," with Jell-O tapioca puddings. Sure, there's nothing to it 'cause Jell-O tapioca pudding's already prepared. All you do is add milk and they take about five minutes to cook in an ordinary saucepan. Nothing to go wrong. Here's a springtime charmer made with rich, distinctive Jell-O chocolate tapioca. You just prepare it as directed, then top each serving with pistachio cream -- foamy whipped cream flavored with almond extract, tinted a gay green and sprinkled with pistachio nuts. You'll find this delicious new dessert featured in McCall's magazine for May. And you'll find that all three Jell-O tapioca puddings are a miracle of goodness, a marvel of speed -- Jell-O chocolate, vanilla, and orange-coconut tapioca. They'll show you why more women buy Jell-O
puddings than any other prepared puddings in the world. That name, Jell-O, is a registered trademark of General Foods.

SINGERS:

(UNACCOMPANIED) J-E-L-L-Ohhhh.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to Lucille Ball in "My Favorite Husband."

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

As we return to the Coopers, Liz is burning up about the supposed "other woman" in George's life. She gave George an old love letter she wrote and he mistakenly thought it was from his new secretary who has a silly crush on him. Well, right now, George has shut himself in the den to use the phone.

SOUND:

ROTARY DIAL ... PHONE RINGS AND IS ANSWERED (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE)

ATTERBURY:

Hello?

GEORGE:

Hello, Mr. Atterbury, this is George Cooper.

ATTERBURY:

Yes, Cuddles? ...

GEORGE:

I'm not Cuddles; I'm Coopie-Woopie now.

ATTERBURY:

(IMPRESSED) Well! (BABY TALK) What can Uncle Woodolph do fow oo? ...

GEORGE:

Uncle Woodolph can look for a new vice-president if he doesn't get me a new secretary. Gladys just sent me a mushy letter "Special Delivery."

ATTERBURY:

Did she use bank stamps? ...

GEORGE:

How should I know? The point is I'm liable to get into trouble unless I get a new secretary. I don't want to go through the whole mess of trying to explain to Liz that this is innocent. She's suspicious already.

SOUND:

CONVERSATION FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN NEXT SCENE

LIZ:

Katy, I'd give my eye teeth to know who he's talking to on the phone in there. Do you suppose it's her?

KATY:

"Her" who?

LIZ:

You know "Her" who. Her! ... Why did he close the door?

KATY:

There's always the keyhole.

LIZ:

Oh, Katy, do you think I'd stoop to listening at the keyhole?

KATY:

Yes.

LIZ:

You're right. ... But the darned key's in it and you can't hear a thing. I can't just open the door and listen. That would be eavesdropping. We have to have a reason. Come on, give me a reason. ...

KATY:

It's pretty hot in there. Do you think he needs air?

LIZ:

No, it's gotta be better than-- I know. Of course! The dog's in there and wants out. Quiet now.

SOUND:

DEN DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

(LOW) Here, boy. Here, boy. (WHISPERY WHISTLE) ...

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

What?

KATY:

I just thought of something.

LIZ:

What?

KATY:

You don't have a dog. ...

LIZ:

Oh, that's right. Well, I already have the door open. No use closing it now, is there?

GEORGE:

(OFF) Frankly, Mr. Atterbury, the situation is getting out of hand.

LIZ:

(TO KATY) He's telling Mr. Atterbury all about it.

GEORGE:

You see, I'm pretty sure Liz already suspects something's going on. So there's just one thing to do. I'm going to get rid of her. ...

LIZ:

(ALARMED, TO KATY) He's gonna get rid of me.

KATY:

Oh, no.

GEORGE:

(OFF) I'd like to make it as painless as possible. ...

LIZ:

(GASPS)

GEORGE:

First thing Monday morning, I'll ask her to leave.

LIZ:

(RELIEVED) Well! At least there won't be any bloodshed. ...

GEORGE:

Well, I'll tell her you arranged for a transfer.

LIZ:

Transfer? What does he expect me to do, go to Reno on a streetcar? ...

GEORGE:

That's right. Joe Ridgely can have her and I'll take his. ...

LIZ:

He's gonna trade me in on a later model. ...

KATY:

There must be some explanation.

LIZ:

Sh!

GEORGE:

(OFF) All right, Mr. Atterbury. I'll call Gladys right now and tell her I'm going to make the change.

LIZ:

Gladys! (GASPS)

GEORGE:

(OFF) Yes, I have her number upstairs in my wallet. Yeah, well, I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

LIZ:

(PANICS) Get out of the way, Katy. Here he comes. Get out of the way.

KATY:

I can't. My apron's caught on the doorknob.

SOUND:

RIP! AS APRON TEARS

KATY:

(DISMAYED) Oh!

LIZ:

Here, take what's left of it and start dusting. I'll be reading a book.

KATY:

Ohhhh.

SOUND:

DEN DOOR CLOSES

LIZ:

Hi, George. I didn't know you were in there.

GEORGE:

You didn't? Hey, what are you doing?

LIZ:

Oh, I'm just reading a book.

GEORGE:

(SKEPTICAL) Oh. To, uh, improve your vocabulary?

LIZ:

Yes. Yeah, improving my vocabulary. Heh!

GEORGE:

Well, you certainly picked the right book for it.

LIZ:

Yes, this man writes well. Uh, you ought to read this book sometime. It's called, um-- (BEAT) The dictionary. ...

GEORGE:

(IRONIC) Oh, Webster's one of my favorite writers.

LIZ:

Oh, well-- ... You see, I haven't been--

GEORGE:

Well, tell me later. (MOVING OFF) There's something important I have to take care of right now.

LIZ:

Come on, Katy. He'll be back when he gets that phone number.

KATY:

Come on where?

LIZ:

We're gonna hide in the den and listen while George talks to that - that Gladys.

KATY:

We're gonna hide?

LIZ:

Yes. You're gonna be my witness.

KATY:

Witness for what?

LIZ:

I don't know, but it's always a good idea. Come on. ...

SOUND:

DEN DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

Now - now, we'll hide in the-- Oh, gee, there isn't any place.

KATY:

Oh, I hear him coming.

LIZ:

Quick! Into the closet!

KATY:

No.

LIZ:

Yes!

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LIZ:

Oh, gee, it's dark in here. Are you comfortable, Katy?

KATY:

As comfortable as anyone can be who's straddling a vacuum cleaner. ...

LIZ:

Oh, dear. Can you hold out for a minute?

KATY:

Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Cooper. I used to have a boyfriend who owned a motorcycle. ...

LIZ:

Gee, I wish he'd hurry up. It's so dusty in here. (ATTEMPTS HEROICALLY TO HOLD BACK A SNEEZE ... THEN FINALLY SMOTHERS THE SNEEZE)

KATY:

Bless you.

LIZ:

Thanks.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP ... ROTARY DIAL

LIZ:

Quiet. There he goes. He's calling Gladys.

GEORGE:

(OFF) Hello, Gladys? (BEAT, UNHAPPILY) This is "Cuddles."

LIZ:

(BEAT) I may be sick. ...

GEORGE:

I'm sorry to bother you at home, Gladys, but I can't go on like this.

KATY:

The beast!

LIZ:

Sh!

GEORGE:

(OFF) I've decided to do something about it, Gladys. (BEAT) That's exactly what I've decided.

LIZ:

Here it comes.

GEORGE:

(OFF) Well, in a way, I'll be sorry to lose you.

LIZ:

Huh. She didn't last as long as I did. ...

GEORGE:

(OFF) Well, I'll admit you did have the makings of a good secretary, but you don't seem to realize that I'm very much in love with my wife.

LIZ:

(INTENSE) He admits it! He admits he's in love with his wife! (DOUBLE TAKE) Hey, that's me. ...

GEORGE:

(OFF) I don't care what they told you in business school, I love my wife! ... We're completely devoted and trust each other implicitly.

LIZ:

Awwww.

GEORGE:

(OFF) She's charming and - and beautiful. And I'd be crazy to even look at another woman.

LIZ:

Awww. Gee, did you hear that, Katy? He says-- (STRUGGLES TO HOLD BACK A SNEEZE ... THEN EMITS A MUFFLED SNEEZE) ...

GEORGE:

(OFF) Oh, bless you, Gladys. ... Oh, because you sneezed. (BEAT) Oh? Oh, well, the operator must be listening in. ... Well, I think if you really understand the situation, I could give you another chance. Are you sure you do?

LIZ:

Gee, he said I was charming and beautiful.

KATY:

Yeah.

LIZ:

Oh, Katy, I was so wrong about everything. He mustn't ever find out I've been spying and suspicious. You promise?

KATY:

Can I have next Sunday off?

LIZ:

Yes, yes.

KATY:

How about that raise?

LIZ:

Oh, you blackmailer. Where's your sporting blood?

KATY:

(CHUCKLES) I promise. My lips are sealed.

GEORGE:

(OFF) Well, that's a much healthier attitude. As a matter of fact, Gladys, I think it would help if you had a talk with Liz.

LIZ:

(WORRIED) Oh, no. Oh, no.

GEORGE:

(OFF) Well, I'd like her to meet you, too, if you're going to be my secretary.

LIZ:

Oh, some other time, some other time.

GEORGE:

(OFF) Now, wait. I'll call her to the phone.

LIZ:

Oh, I'm dead. ...

GEORGE:

(CALLS) Liz?! Hey, Liz! Where are you?

LIZ:

Don't even breathe, Katy.

GEORGE:

(CALLS) LIZ!

LIZ:

(TO KATY) I'm gonna try something. (PRETENDS TO CALL OUT, IN A WEE VOICE) Did you call me, George?

GEORGE:

Yes! Where are you?!

LIZ:

(WEE VOICE) I'm up in the attic!

GEORGE:

You don't sound like you're up there. ...

LIZ:

(WEE VOICE) Well, go up-- I mean, come up and see!

GEORGE:

Come on down! I want you to-- (GIVES IN) Oh, I'll come up.

LIZ:

For a minute, I thought I was-- (STRUGGLES TO HOLD BACK A SNEEZE ... THEN SNEEZES LOUDLY) ...

GEORGE:

(PUZZLED) Liz? Katy? (TO HIMSELF) That - that sneeze came from the closet.

LIZ:

Oh, quick, Katy. Plug the vacuum cleaner into the light switch.

KATY:

What for?

LIZ:

Don't ask questions. Go ahead.

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Liz! What are you and Katy doing in the closet?

SOUND:

VACUUM CLEANER HUMS ... CONTINUES IN BG

LIZ:

Now, that's it, Katy. Get in to every corner. We don't want any dirt in this house. ...

GEORGE:

Liz, will you please explain--?

LIZ:

(RAPIDLY) Spring cleaning, George! Can't have dirty closets, you know. Don't forget the shelf, Katy. I'll get the floor, we'll mop up the sides--

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

LUCY:

(CALLS) Oh, Booooooooob! Bob LeMond!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Lucy? What's the score tonight?

LUCY:

Tonight, Robert, you rescue a poor girl who has been shipwrecked on a desert island for seven years. I am that poor girl.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... "IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMIN' I'D'VE BAKED A CAKE"

LUCY:

(USES COMICAL AND VERY NASAL "DROOPY" VOICE THROUGHOUT THE SCENE) I haven't seen a human being in seven years. ...

ANNOUNCER:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Oh, hello?

LUCY:

(DROOPY) Hello. ...

ANNOUNCER:

(CLOSER) I've come to rescue you. Look at me.

LUCY:

(SCREAMS) ... (DROOPY AGAIN) I haven't seen a human being in seven years. ...

ANNOUNCER:

What do I look like?

LUCY:

That's a very good question. ... You're a mirage.

ANNOUNCER:

I am not.

LUCY:

Yes, you are.

ANNOUNCER:

I'm a real, honest-to-goodness, red-blooded human man.

LUCY:

Ew. ... Come here, you. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Now, wait a minute--

LUCY:

Oh, I'm so happy to be rescued. It's so nice to have a man around the island. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Let me tell you everything that's happened back home while you've been here.

LUCY:

All right. But there's only one thing that's important.

ANNOUNCER:

What is it?

LUCY:

Do they still have--?

ANNOUNCER:

(QUICKLY INTERRUPTS) Yes.

LUCY:

They do? ... Well, I'm so glad. ... Tell me, is it still delicious, light, and tempting?

ANNOUNCER:

Yes. And they still call it Jell-O vanilla tapioca pudding.

LUCY:

Oh, that's nice. ... How about Jell-O _chocolate_tapioca? ... Hm?

ANNOUNCER:

Well, it's so rich, the kids say it's "candy good."

LUCY:

Oh, bless their little hearts. ...

ANNOUNCER:

And Jell-O orange-coconut tapioca is a wonderful blend of refreshing orange and tropical coconut.

LUCY:

Yes, and I'll bet they're still easy, too, and only take about five minutes to prepare. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Right. And I brought some with me. That should make you happy.

LUCY:

Oh, it does, it does. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Then why are you crying?

LUCY:

It's so nice to have a pudding around the island. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, great.

LUCY:

Bye!

MUSIC:

TAG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Friends, the retailers of America have just celebrated a half century of progress -- a half century of public service -- and they've also just completed a week of outstanding cooperation with American businessmen to celebrate this significant milestone. Every one of us can be proud of the great material strides taken in the last several decades to double our output for every hour we work and increase our annual income. We've enjoyed a steadily rising standard of living as a nation, and we have preserved all of our precious hard-won freedoms. Yes, our American economic system has brought greater material means for happiness to more people than any other system the world has ever known. So, congratulations to the retailers of America for helping to boost the good things in our American way of life. Let's remember that the better we all produce, the better we all live.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

You have been listening to "My Favorite Husband," starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, and based on characters created by Isabel Scott Rorick. Tonight's transcribed program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer, who wrote the script with Madelyn Pugh and Bob Carroll, Jr. Original music was composed by Marlin Skiles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch. The part of Katy, the maid, was played by Ruth Perrot. Be sure to listen to Lucille Ball in "My Favorite Husband" again next week, presented by--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O--

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O tap-pioca puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Bob LeMond speaking.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME ... THEN IN BG, TILL END

CBS ANNCR:

Listen again, next Sunday at this same time, to Lucille Ball in "My Favorite Husband." This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.