Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Adventures of the Thin Man
Show: The Case of the Goofy Groom
Date: Mar 10 1946

CAST:

The Announcer
NICK: Charles, former detective
NORA: Charles, his wealthy wife
Arthur, the goofy groom, a friend of Nick's
Jane, Arthur's breathtakingly lovely bride
BINGO: Burns, a cute little number
GEORGIE: the Germ
SNAKEY: Simon
Bellboy, a.k.a. Honeymoon Harvey
Minister

OPENING

MUSIC:

SEGUE INTO ORGAN PLAYING WEDDING MARCH UNDER

ANNCR:

Tonight we find Nick and Nora at a wedding being held in a fashionable hotel suite in Manhattan. The groom, Arthur Hornsby, is an old friend of Nick's. The bride, Jane, is breathtakingly lovely ... a fact which does not escape our hero ...

MINISTER:

(OFF) (MUMBLES CEREMONY)

NICK:

When do we kiss the bride?

NORA:

When the ceremony's over, silly. Why do they always mumble the ceremony in their beards?

NICK:

The minister doesn't like to remind people of the rash promises they made when they got married. Look, Jane's trembling.

NORA:

I know. Poor girl. She's probably crying.

NICK:

What for?

NORA:

For the same reason every bride cries. They weep for all the men they have to give up, goon.

NICK:

You didn't cry.

NORA:

I meant to, but I was too busy trying to make the Justice of Peace remember all his lines.

NICK:

You knew them better than he did.

NORA:

I wanted to make sure I was thoroughly married.

MINISTER:

And now I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.

NORA:

Come, dear.

NICK:

But ... don't I kiss the bride?

NORA:

Not yet. Arthur told me to meet him in that little room on the side right after the ceremony.

NICK:

Why?

NORA:

I don't know. He said it was important. Open the door.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

NICK:

All I can say is that this is no way to treat a wedding guest ... huh ... no one here ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN OFF

NORA:

Here they come, darling.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

ARTHUR:

Nora!

NORA:

Arthur ... I want to wish you and Jane every happiness.

SOUND:

KISS

ARTHUR:

Thank you, Nora.

NICK:

Best of luck, Arthur, and ... er ... may I?

ARTHUR:

You mean Jane?

JANE:

I'd be very disappointed if you didn't. What're you waiting for, Nick?

NICK:

Jane, you know I wish you the best.

SOUND:

KISS

NORA:

You don't have to wish so hard, Nicky.

JANE:

Oh, I didn't mind it, Nora.

NICK:

You've got a fine wife here, Arthur.

NORA:

And that's the opinion of an excellent judge of wives, Arthur. But aren't you keeping the other guests waiting? I'm sure they want to congratulate you and Jane.

JANE:

That's just it, Nora. Arthur's afraid to go out there.

NICK:

You can't disappoint the girls, Arthur.

ARTHUR:

You don't understand. We're having some trouble ...

NORA:

Really? What's the matter?

JANE:

Well, we don't know. Arthur, tell them.

ARTHUR:

Nick. Will you and Nora take our place tonight? It'll be better all around.

NORA:

But why? I'm not sure I under ...

SOUND:

SHOTS

JANE:

(SCREAMS) Oh ...!

ARTHUR:

Duck, darling.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS

NORA:

Nick!

NICK:

Queer kind of rich they have at this wedding. Those shots came from back there. Someone put a gun through that door and fired.

JANE:

Did you see him?

NICK:

No, my back was toward him. I'm going to open the door and take a look.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

NORA:

Where does it lead?

NICK:

To the hotel corridor. Whoever fired those shots has gone by now.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

JANE:

(WEEPS)

NICK:

Take it easy, Jane. Shots don't mean a thing unless they hit you.

JANE:

I ... I'm so frightened. This has been going on ... ever since we've been married!

NORA:

But Jane. You've only been married for a few minutes.

ARTHUR:

That isn't true. Jane and I were secretly married two weeks ago.

NORA:

Oh, you jumped the gun.

JANE:

We just went through this to satisfy relatives and friends ... but from the day after our marriage, someone has been trying to kill us.

ARTHUR:

Now, darling, don't let it upset you. We can only die once ... I mean ... Nick and Nora will help us ... won't you?

NICK:

Where were these murder attempts made?

ARTHUR:

The first one was in our room in a small hotel in New Jersey. The second night after we were married. There were two more attempts ... in a small hotel in Vermont ...

JANE:

It's awful. You've got to help us, Nora.

NORA:

Why should anyone want to kill you, Arthur?

ARTHUR:

I don't know. Unless it has something to do with all that money Dad left me. You know, I came into my estate the day I married. I think someone is trying to terrorize me ... to extort money or something.

NICK:

Did you inherit a lot of money?

ARTHUR:

Well ... quite a bit.

JANE:

(WHIMPER) What kind of honeymoon can we have if we're always afraid of being killed? I want a live living husband for my honeymoon. (CRYING)

ARTHUR:

There, turtledove. Nora will keep me alive. Nick, I've worked out a plan.

NICK:

Yes?

ARTHUR:

For this honeymoon ... you be me ... beginning right now.

NICK:

What?

ARTHUR:

Nora can put Jane's bridal veil over her face, and rush out. You can turn up your collar, and if no one sees how old you are, you can pass for me.

JANE:

And Nora can pass for me.

ARTHUR:

We reserved the honeymoon suite at the Gilded Towers hotel. You take that suite and we'll take your apartment.

JANE:

Then you can be killed instead of us.

NICK:

Well, ... Jane ... I don't like being killed.

JANE:

But Arthur says you've done it so often.

NORA:

Of course he has. And we'll find out who's trying to harm you. I think it's a grand idea. But I think we ought to change clothes to complete the deception.

JANE:

All right. The boys can go behind that screen.

ARTHUR:

Great. (FADE) Come on, Nick.

NICK:

(OFF) I'm not so sure I'm going to like this.

NORA:

Here's the key to our apartment, Jane.

JANE:

Here's my bridal gown, Nora. It zips up the side. Do you think I'll make a good wife for Arthur?

NORA:

Of course you will. You ready, dear? I'm almost ...

NICK:

I'm ready now.

NORA:

Keep your eyes peeled, darling. If the gunman's in the crowd he'll follow us, and that'll make it easy to capture him.

NICK:

Nora, I'm not so sure I can fool anyone into thinking I'm a bridegroom.

NORA:

Try, darling. Jane ... and Arthur, you'd better slip out the side door ... to the corridor.

ARTHUR:

All right ... and thanks a million. Come, Jane.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

NORA:

Nicky, you do look just like a bridegroom. How did you manage it?

NICK:

I thought of the right thing to keep in my mind, I guess.

NORA:

What's that?

NICK:

The mental picture of a murderer I know, walking down the last mile to the electric chair. Come, dear ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN ... CROWD - AD LIB

MUSIC

BELLBOY:

The bridal suite is down the hall, Mr. and Mrs. Hornsby. (SILLY GIGGLE)

NORA:

Thank you. Come, my cave man.

NICK:

Yes, honeybun. Aren't you supposed to blush a little, dear?

NORA:

I've been trying all evening.

NICK:

Choke a little. That'll make you blush.

NORA:

All right. (COUGHS) How's that?

NICK:

No good. I just hope the bellboy doesn't get too suspicious.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

BELLBOY:

Here we are. (GIGGLE)

NICK:

Come in, sugarfoot.

NORA:

All right.

BELLBOY:

Good gracious. Aren't you going to carry the bride across the threshold? What kind of a bridegroom are you anyway?

NICK:

I forgot.

BELLBOY:

Well, it doesn't do to forget such things. But if you forget anything else, I'll remind you.

NICK:

Really?

BELLBOY:

Yes. I know all about being a groom ... and what a bride should do.

NORA:

How interesting. How many times have you been a bride?

BELLBOY:

Never. But I've seen so many couples. You see, the hotel assigns me to take care of the bridal suite. I've made a study of honeymooners.

NICK:

What's your name?

BELLBOY:

They call me Honeymoon Harvey. Well, come on now. Let's get started. Carry the bride across the threshold.

NICK:

OK, Buttercup. (GROAN) There ...

BELLBOY:

You seem like a pretty weak groom to me. Put her down and kiss her. I'll draw the shades.

NORA:

Never mind.

BELLBOY:

Madame! Are you going to tell me what to do? I know more about these things than you. The shades will be drawn! (SHADE) There. Where's your luggage?

NICK:

Our bags will arrive later.

BELLBOY:

Later. Good gracious. Going on a honeymoon without - luggage. I think I'll give you a lecture on ...

NICK:

Never mind. Here, boy. Just leave us alone.

BELLBOY:

Well, now you're talking more like a honeymooner. But I usually leave people alone for a bigger tip.

NICK:

Don't you have something else to do?

BELLBOY:

That's how a man celebrating his twentieth anniversary talks. You ought to let me give you a few tips on how a groom is supposed to behave ...

NORA:

I'll tell him, ... Mr. Honeymoon Harvey. Are we keeping you?

BELLBOY:

OK, I can take a hint. Well, folks, if there's anything you want, anything I can do for you, any errands you want done, any advice you need any information ...

NICK:

Don't worry. We'll call on you.

BELLBOY:

You'd better not because I won't tell you a thing, Mr. and Mrs. Know-it-all. Good night.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

NORA:

We didn't seem to fool him.

NICK:

No. He must be a result of the manpower shortage. Darling, what're we going to do about clothes?

NORA:

We'll phone our apartment and have Arthur and Jane send some over in the morning. Did anyone follow us here?

NICK:

I didn't notice anyone.

NORA:

How do you like the way I look in Jane's bridal gown?

NICK:

You look blooming, dear ... especially since it's a little tight on you.

NORA:

It is not. Are you trying to tell me I'm not as slim and girlish as Jane?

NICK:

No, darling. I'm trying to tell you Jane is not as charming and attractive as you, dear.

NORA:

Why Nicky, you make me feel like a real bride again. Come here.

NICK:

What for?

NORA:

Do as I tell you and stop acting like a husband.

NICK:

I wish I could. What do you want, baby?

NORA:

Just this, silly. (KISS)

NICK:

Hold me tight, Nora, and don't take your lips away.

NORA:

Darling ... at last you're a groom.

NICK:

I am not. I'm just being sensible. We're in danger.

NORA:

What do you mean?

NICK:

The connecting door to the next room is opening. We're being watched by someone. I want to surprise them.

NORA:

I get it. You think it's the gunman who's after Arthur?

NICK:

Maybe. I can see the glint of a gun ... in the crack of the door. Which hip do you prefer to land on?

NORA:

The right. The left's still bruised from last week.

NICK:

OK. If the shooting starts, I'm going to push you over. Stay on the floor while I try to rush the gunman. And if ...

SOUND:

SHOTS

NORA:

(GASPS) Oh ...

SOUND:

THUD

NICK:

(FADE) I'm going after him, baby. Hey! Come back here!

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

NORA:

Nicky!

SOUND:

SHOTS

NICK:

Come in the adjoining room! I've got him, baby! I'll need some help!

NORA:

I'm coming, darling. Oh, it's dark in here. Where are you, Nick?

NICK:

Wrestling on the floor! Turn on the light switch and get out of the way of bullets!

SOUND:

SHOTS

NORA:

(SHORT SCREAM) Oh ... here's the switch! (CLICK) Nick! Stop wrestling with that girl and find someone your own size!

BINGO:

Let go of my hand! You're breaking my wrist!

NICK:

Drop the gun and I'll let go!

BINGO:

(SHORT SCREAM) Oh! OK!

NICK:

Get up.

BINGO:

Who's the tomato?

NICK:

My wife.

BINGO:

Do you train him to go around torturing girls?

NICK:

Listen. Who are you? What's your name?

BINGO:

Bingo Burns. What's yours?

NICK:

Nick Charles. How'd you get the name of Bingo?

BINGO:

They call me Bingo because I'm a right number.

NORA:

Why'd you try to kill us?

BINGO:

Because I made a mistake. I thought you were two other people. Look, pal, give me back my gun and we'll call the whole thing off and forget about it.

NORA:

Why do you want the gun? So you can kill someone else?

BINGO:

Natch.

NORA:

A woman?

BINGO:

How'd you guess?

NORA:

And would her name be ... Jane Hornsby?

BINGO:

You know too much. I'm getting out of here!

NICK:

Hey! Come back! Nora, stop her!

SOUND:

CRASH

BINGO:

(SCREAM) Oh ....

NICK:

Nice work, Nora. How'd you do it?

NORA:

I tripped her. Cute little number, isn't she?

NICK:

Bingo!

MUSIC

COMMERCIAL

ANNCR:

And now ACT TWO of tonight's Thin Man adventure. Nick and Nora, posing as newlyweds, have just captured Bingo, a cute little number who tried to shoot them full of holes. Nora examines her as she comes out of her daze and tells Nick ...

NORA:

She looks good on the floor. Come on, Bingo. Get up and don't try to get away again.

BINGO:

All right ... listen. Are you Nick the Dick?

NICK:

Yes.

BINGO:

I heard you're a right guy. I didn't mean to kill you. Honest, I didn't.

NORA:

Did you mean to kill Jane Hornsby?

BINGO:

I knew a woman would understand. Yeah. See? I'm honest. I confess.

NORA:

Why did you want to murder her?

BINGO:

I got a very good reason. I don't like her. She stole Arthur, the little crook.

NORA:

Was Arthur engaged to you?

BINGO:

Well ... I didn't get around to proposing to him, but we were crazy about each other till she came along. (SOB) I guess I must be nuts about him. All I want to do is kill her. I love him so ...

NICK:

Were you at the wedding today?

BINGO:

Yeah. I came disguised as a debutante.

NICK:

Did you try to murder her there, too?

BINGO:

Murder a girl at her wedding? What kind of character do you think I am? Did someone try to kill her?

NORA:

Yes.

BINGO:

Goody. I bet I know who it is! Snakey Simon Stacey.

NICK:

Who's Snakey Simon?

BINGO:

A snake with pants on. I met him when I used to do my specialty in the cabaret. He's a gambler who hisses like a snake when he talks. And he's a friend of that Jane. She's no lily, she ain't.

NORA:

What are you talking about?

BINGO:

Snakey Simon. I saw him at the wedding. And I saw him talking to Jane in that hotel in Jersey where they stayed when they got secretly married.

NORA:

Oh, then you've been following Arthur around?

BINGO:

Like a dog. I love him! ... like a dog. (SOB)

NICK:

Why should Jane be talking to Snakey Simon?

BINGO:

For some sinister reason, I bet.

NICK:

I'd like to get hold of this Snakey Simon.

BINGO:

I'll show you where he lives.

NICK:

Not yet. First we're going to check with Arthur on this story you've given us. Nora - phone our apartment.

NORA:

All right, dear....

SOUND:

RECEIVER ... DIAL

NICK:

OK, Bingo. Who're you working with?

BINGO:

What're you talking about?

NICK:

What's your racket? Who's in it? Come on! Spill!

BINGO:

(SOB) I got nothing to spill but tears. You got a deep misunderstanding of me. I am just a poor hard-working chorus girl who wants her millionaire ... but not for the money, mind you. For love.

ARTHUR:

(FILTER) Hello.

NORA:

Hello?

ARTHUR:

Nora?

NORA:

Yes, Arthur.

ARTHUR:

Nora! I was just going to phone you. Something awful has happened.

NORA:

What?

ARTHUR:

Jane's disappeared.

NORA:

Are you sure?

ARTHUR:

I went downstairs for a minute ... and she was gone when I got back. I know what the racket is now! I know why they terrorized me! They kidnapped Jane!

JANE:

You stay there, Arthur. We'll be right over.

ARTHUR:

All right, Nora. I feel terrible. Goodbye.

NORA:

Goodbye. (CLICK) Nick. Jane's gone. Arthur says she was kidnapped.

NICK:

OK, baby. You go over there and tell him about Bingo.

NORA:

Where are you going?

NICK:

To find Snakey Simon. I've got a good idea he'll know where Jane is. Come on, Bingo.

BINGO:

No.

NICK:

But Jane's kidnapped. They might even kill her.

NORA:

Do you think Arthur's going to like it if you behave like this?

BINGO:

All right. For the sake of the man I love, I will rescue the tomato I hate. Leave us depart.

MUSIC

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZ

BINGO:

I guess Snakey Simon isn't home.

NICK:

Wait a second, Bingo. I hear someone coming.

SOUND:

DOOR UNLOCK AND OPEN

SNAKEY:

(HISSING) Yes ...

BINGO:

Hello, Snakey Simon.

SNAKEY:

Hello, Bingo. Who's the friend?

NICK:

The name's Nick Charles. Can I come in?

SNAKEY:

Ya can... but ya can't.

NICK:

Why not?

SNAKEY:

Because you ain't welcome.

BINGO:

You see the low kind of snake he is?

SNAKEY:

I know who you are, Charles. What do you want with me?

NICK:

I want Jane Hornsby.

SNAKEY:

I never heard of her. Now, scram ... (SHOTS) (SCREAM) Oh, ....

BINGO:

(SCREAM) Nick! His shirt's bleeding blood!

NICK:

Yes. He was shot from the back ...

BINGO:

Grab him! He's toppling forward!

NICK:

I've got him ... but I can't hold him ... oh .... (CRASH) Bingo, pull him off me.

BINGO:

Oh, no, I won't touch him. He's all full of blood.

NICK:

So am I. This guy weighs two hundred pounds. Pull him away.

BINGO:

Is he dead?

NICK:

Yes.

BINGO:

Then I won't touch him. It's bad luck.

NICK:

(GROAN) Ah ... there ... maybe I can squeeze out.

BINGO:

You're doing all right.

NICK:

Yes, you've been a big help.

BINGO:

Don't mention it.

NICK:

The killer may still be inside .... Come on in.

BINGO:

If the killer's still there, I'm staying right here ... in the door way.

NICK:

(OFF) It's all right, Bingo. (FADE IN) Whoever shot him in the back escaped through the servant's entrance.

BINGO:

Oh. Well, you'd better drag him in.

NICK:

OK. There. (DOOR CLOSE) Well, I didn't expect this.

BINGO:

I didn't do it! I was with you every minute! I'm innocent. Absolutely, positively as innocent as a baby! Innocent, innocent, innocent!

NICK:

Who said you weren't?

BINGO:

Do you think he kidnapped Jane?

NICK:

He must have been working with someone.

SOUND:

PHONE RING

BINGO:

Do not disturb yourself. I will answer. (RECEIVER) Hello.

GEORGE:

(FILTER) Hello, Chicklet. How's our little investment?

BINGO:

Oh, I'm fine.

NICK:

Give me that phone, Bingo!

BINGO:

Here.

NICK:

Hello.

GEORGE:

(FILTER) Hello .... Is that you, Snakey?

NICK:

(HISSING) Yess... 's me. Whoziss?

GEORGE:

Georgie de Germ. I hear you got da Investment dare.

NICK:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

Ask her when we're going to get the dividends.

NICK:

Dividends?

GEORGE:

You know what I'm talking about. What's the matter with you, Snakey? You sound queer.

NICK:

I got some people here. Where can I see you?

GEORGE:

My hotel.

NICK:

Wait for me. Goodbye.

GEORGE:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER HANG UP

BINGO:

Say, what're you doing with the corpse, Nick?

NICK:

Going through his pockets.

BINGO:

Huh. There are money-making angles to this detective racket I never even thought of. Do I get a cut?

NICK:

Here's his address book. I'm just looking up the address of a character named George the Germ. Huh. This must be it. Hotel Chandelier.

BINGO:

Oh, that place. You have to have a police record before they'll even let you register.

NICK:

Come on, Bingo. We're going to see him.

BINGO:

What for?

NICK:

We might find Jane there.

BINGO:

I hope she ain't dead. Nick ... that man called me an Investment. Is that an insult?

NICK:

No, Bingo. I think that's the key to this whole mess. Remind me to call Nora from the lobby of the Chandelier.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

ARTHUR:

Nora, we should have heard from Jane by this time. Or we should have heard from the kidnappers.

NORA:

I'm sure Nick will find her, Arthur.

ARTHUR:

I can't believe that Bingo was mixed up in this. She's a good kid at heart. What a thing to happen on a guy's second wedding night.

SOUND:

PHONE RING

NORA:

I'll take that, Arthur. (RECEIVER) Hello?

NICK:

(FILTER) Nora, Baby. Is Arthur OK?

NORA:

Yes.

NICK:

Snakey's been murdered. Listen ... meet us in room 788 of the Hotel Chandelier. Get there as fast as you can.

NORA:

All right, dear. Shall I bring Arthur?

NICK:

Yes. Goodbye.

NORA:

Goodbye. (CLICK) Come on, Arthur. We're going out.

ARTHUR:

No, I can't leave here. The kidnappers may contact me ... (DOOR BUZZ) I'll bet that's the intermediary.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

JANE:

Arthur ...

ARTHUR:

Jane, darling! Oh, my little fruit fly.

JANE:

They were horrible. But they got scared and let me go. (SOB) Oh, Arthur. (KISS)

NORA:

Arthur ... (PAUSE) Jane ...? We've got to meet Nick. Stop kissing and start breathing or you'll both suffocate. Arthur!

ARTHUR:

(DAZED) We don't need Nick now. Just close the door when you go out, Nora. My little gumdrop (KISS).

JANE:

My tutti-frutti (KISS).

NORA:

My .. neck. Goodbye.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GEORGE:

I don't know who killed Snakey. And what's more I don't like you here bringin' all kinds of high-class germs into my hotel suite.

NICK:

Listen, George. I want to know who's the Investment.

GEORGE:

I am the strong silent type ... especially silent. Don't touch that glass!

BINGO:

I was just looking at it.

GEORGE:

You'll get it full of germs!

NICK:

So that's why they call you George the Germ.

GEORGE:

I only let me friends call me that.

NICK:

What kind of deal were you in with Snakey?

GEORGE:

Stop asking so many questions. I ain't telling you nothin'. And you can't prove nothin' on me. I not only have kept my nose clean - I'm antiseptic.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

NORA:

Nicky - I rushed over here.

NICK:

Hello, darling.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

GEORGE:

Don't kiss her, you dope. You never can tell what you'll catch.

NICK:

Nora, this character is Georgie the Germ.

BINGO:

A little crazy.

GEORGE:

I am not. And what's more, you don't understand about germs.

BINGO:

Don't you ever kiss girls?

GEORGE:

Of course not. Do you think I want to die?

NICK:

OK, Georgie, I think I've got a way to make you tell us what we want to know.

GEORGE:

Hey! Let go of me!

NICK:

Bingo, if you want to get your man back - kiss George!

GEORGE:

(SCREAM) No! Not that!

BINGO:

Shut up. (KISS)

NICK:

Who's the Investment?

GEORGE:

I ain't sayin'.

NORA:

Nick, let me kiss him.

NICK:

Go on, Darling. I'll hold his arms. Steady there, Georgie.

GEORGE:

Another one! What's going to happen to me!

NORA:

Something dire, I'm sure. (KISS)

GEORGE:

(SCREAM) I can't bear it! I can't stand it!

NICK:

Then ... talk!

GEORGE:

No.

BINGO:

Let's kiss him together, Nora. That'll crack him.

GEORGE:

Together! This is the end! You win, Nick!

NICK:

Is Jane ... the Investment?

GEORGE:

Yes. Snakey and I put up the money for her to buy clothes and such when she met Arthur Hornsby. We financed her whole romance.

BINGO:

No wonder I didn't win. Nobody financed me.

NICK:

What was to be the payoff? Were you planning to kill Arthur?

GEORGE:

That's right. Then Jane would get his dough and we'd all split.

NICK:

Where's Jane now?

NORA:

She's ... at our place, dear ... with Arthur!

NICK:

What?

NORA:

She came in a moment after you phoned. I left them in each other's arms.

NICK:

That's as good a way to die as any. Come on. We'd better get back there. I just hope we're not too late!

MUSIC

COMMERCIAL

ANNCR:

And now for the solution of tonight's Thin Man adventure.

JANE:

Were you terribly worried about me, Sugarplum?

ARTHUR:

I most certainly was, Jane, darling. What're you doing with that gun, Dewdrop?

JANE:

Just seeing how it works. I'm never going to be without one again.

ARTHUR:

Where did you get it?

JANE:

I packed it in my luggage. It works beautifully, dear. Just like this ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

ARTHUR:

Nick! What're you doing here?

NICK:

I live here. Or have you forgotten? Arthur, Nora's downstairs. She's got a surprise wedding gift for you. Will you go down and help her up with it?

ARTHUR:

Sure. I wonder what it could be.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

NICK:

Jane, did you ever have your wrists slapped?

JANE:

Not since I was a naughty little girl. (SLAP) Oh ... (GUN CLATTER) What's the idea?

NICK:

That's because you were a naughty big girl. And to get the gun out of your hand.

JANE:

Just what are you after?

NICK:

A split on the take.

JANE:

I don't know what you're talking about.

NICK:

Arthur's money. I know who killed Snakey.

JANE:

Do you?

NICK:

Yeah. And this gun I've got in my hand can send you to the electric chair. You'd better be real nice to me, Jane.

JANE:

That isn't so hard. Nick ...

NICK:

Do we do business?

JANE:

Anything you say. You're cute.

NICK:

Isn't that funny? I think so, too. Look, I've got a patsy for Snakey's murder. I can use him for Arthur's, too.

JANE:

Who?

NICK:

Georgie the Germ. I can frame him with this gun. Why'd you kill Snakey? Because you didn't want to split the take?

JANE:

Yeah. And because he was impatient ... and tried to scare me ... like when he started shooting after the wedding today.

NICK:

Well, you'd better not try to double cross me. Will you get rid of Arthur ... when I send him back?

JANE:

OK. How much do you want?

NICK:

Fifty percent of what you get.

JANE:

It's a deal. Give me back the gun.

NICK:

Don't be silly, Jane. (CALL) Arthur ... Nora ... Bingo .... You can come out of the kitchen now.

ARTHUR:

Dewdrop! How you deceived me.

JANE:

What is this?

NORA:

A trap, Janie. We heard your confession. We heard everything you said. We sneaked through the servant's entrance.

BINGO:

You see, Arthur? She's a jerk with a heart of dirt, like I told you. I love you. If you marry me, I wouldn't try to bump you off. I love you, Arty.

NICK:

All right, Nora. Call the police and tell them to get the bridal suite ready at headquarters.

MUSIC

NORA:

Poor Arthur. I bet he'll never want to marry again.

NICK:

Don't worry. Bingo will console him and change his mind.

NORA:

She's a cute trick.

NICK:

Yes, ... and wrestles well. It's amazing that a boy like Arthur can be such a darn fool about women.

NORA:

Is it, dear?

NICK:

Sure. Now you take me for instance ...

NORA:

The only reason you didn't make a fool of yourself about women is that you did take me.

NICK:

Why no ... I was always very sensible.

NORA:

Really? What about that fortune teller you were going to marry because she told you it was in the cards? Or the trapeze artist you liked because she raised herself to great heights? Or that college girl cheerleader who was always rooting for you?

NICK:

Oh well. I was just young.

NORA:

Yes. And I had to get you when you're old.

NICK:

Well, darling, I was old enough to know what a wonderful girl I was getting.

NORA:

Why, Nicky, that's really sweet.

NICK:

I think so, too. Let me say it tonight.

NORA:

What?

NICK:

(KISS) Good night ... Nora darling ...

MUSIC

CLOSING

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT