Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Easy Aces
Show: Jane Thinks Mink
Date: circa 1940s

AN:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Easy Aces,

FX:

MANHATTAN SERENADE THEME

AN:

There comes a time in every woman's life, it seems, when she feels she simply cannot go on another day unless she gets a new mink coat. That time has come to Jane Ace, whom we find now in the living room of the Ace's bungalow, trying to find a way to slip this delicate matter past the master of the household.

JANE:

NOW, dear, let me see if I've got everything down that I want to buy tomorrow; toothbrush, soap, cleansing cream, mink coat, and lipstick. Anything you need, dear?

ACE:

Umm, yes, it has been.

JANE:

Dear, you're not listening - put that newspaper down. Look at my shopping list, see if you want to add anything.

ACE:

Let's see - toohbrush, soap, cleansing cream, mink coat, and lipstick. No, I don't need anything. Unless you want to return those ginger ale bottles - we get a nickel back on' each bottle and every little bit will - HELP! Mink Coat! - What is this thing here?

JANE:

Where? Oh yes. Mink coat - I meant to talk to you about that. You know that fur shop around the corner? Well, I pass it every day, and there's this dreamy mink coat in the window. The girl wearing it looks so smart. Of course she's just a dummy. And so could I.

ACE:

How much?

JANE:

It's full length and it'll cover all my dresses.

ACE:

How Much?

JANE:

It's the softest mink.

ACE:

How much?

JANE:

Wait, you haven't heard the half of it!

ACE:

How much, Jane?

JANE:

750 dollars.

ACE:

That sounds pretty reasonable for a good mink coat.

JANE:

Now you've heard the half of it. Altogether it's fifteen-hundred.

ACE:

Jane, we simply can't afford it.

JANE:

Oh, don't be such a tightrope.

ACE:

Isn't that awful? Jane, look, tell you what I'm gonna do.

JANE:

I knew you would, dear.

ACE:

Wait a minute now - listen to this. I've got a big new advertising account coming up. Pretty good chance of getting it, too. The Crown Paint company. If I get it, I make a nice commission out of it, and you can have the mink coat.

JANE:

Oh thanks, dear!

ACE:

Wait - I said IF I get the account. I have a fifty percent chance of getting it.

JANE:

Well, there's half the coat already. And you'll get it, I know. Oh, I'm so excited! I can hardly wait. I'm all on pins and cushions.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE

FX:

PHONE DIALING

DAVIS:

Good Morning, Davis Furs.

JANE:

Hello, this is Mrs. Jane Ace. Mr. Davis, remember that mink coat I've been looking at?

DAVIS:

I certainly do - a lot of women have been looking at it.

JANE:

It certainly is...well, could you hold that coat for me?

DAVIS:

You mean you're buying it?

JANE:

Well, practically.

DAVIS:

What do you mean, practically?

JANE:

Well, my husband said it's sixty per cent certain I can buy it.

DAVIS:

Well, good for you. That is, if he'll really let you buy it.

JANE:

Oh, I'm sure he will. Because if he wouldn't, he'd have come right out flatheaded and said so. And he said it's sixty percent I can get it.

DAVIS:

Tell you what. I don't usually hold coats without at least a deposit, but I have a certain reason for doing it for you. Because if you'll buy this coat it'll come in mighty handy. My wife'll be thrilled to hear about this. In fact, I'm going to call her now and tell her.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE and PHONE

MARY:

Hello?

DAVIS:

Hello, Mrs. Davis. This is a man named Davis who claims to be married to you.

MARY:

Hello John, you silly thing.

DAVIS:

Oh, silly, am I? Not too silly to buy you that home out in the suburbs you've been wanting so bad.

MARY:

Oh John - you don't mean it - are we really finally going to buy that home?

DAVIS:

Well, it's practically ours.

MARY:

What do you mean, practically?

DAVIS:

Well, it's seventy percent ours, honey.

MARY:

Seventy percent?

DAVIS:

I think I've just sold that expensive mink coat I've had in the shop so long. Mrs. Ace just called me, and said her husband told her he was seventy percent certain she could have it. And he wouldn't have come out flatheaded and said it if wasn't true, right?

MARY:

John, you're excited.

DAVIS:

I certainly am. You get on the phone and call Mr. Herman of the real estate company right now...

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE and PHONE

HERMAN:

Herman Real Estate, Mr. Herman speaking.

MARY:

Hello Mr. Herman, this is Mrs. Davis speaking again.

HERMAN:

Oh hello, Mrs Davis, have you some good news for me?

MARY:

The good news is - we're going to buy that house.

HERMAN:

Well, I'm thrilled for you! Your husband changed his mind rather suddenly, didn't he?

MARY:

He certainly did. But the house is practically ours now.

HERMAN:

What do you mean, practically?

MARY:

Well, John came out flatheaded and said it was 80 percent certain we'd buy it. Just waiting for a minor detail. I'm sure it's going to be all right. So Mr. Herman, I wanted to remind you that you promised to fix the place up. Especially painting. You said you'd paint it. It certainly needs painting.

HERMAN:

Oh yes. It's going to be painted. As a matter of fact, that's the last house in the subdivision out there, and now that you're going to buy it, I'm going to order a paint job for every house in the section. In fact, I'll call the paint people right now.

FX:

MUSIC and PHONE

CROWN:

Crown Paint Company, This is Mr. Crown.

HERMAN:

Hello, Mr. Crown, this is Mr. Herman again.

CROWN:

Oh Hello, Herman. How are you today?

HERMAN:

Fine. Got good news for you. On that paint order ? looks like I'll be needing about 500 gallons to start with.

CROWN:

Yes? You sold that last house?

HERMAN:

Well, it's about 90 percent certain.

CROWN:

Ninety percent?

HERMAN:

Well, I mean the woman's husband didn't come out flatheaded and say "no." I just want to get my order in plenty of time so I can make the necessary arrangements.

CROWN:

Okay, okay, I have some arrangements of my own to make. Been waiting to hear from you on this order before I did anything. Thanks for calling, Mr. Herman.

FX:

MUSIC and PHONE

ACE:

This is Mr. Ace.

CROWN:

This is Mr. Crown, of Crown Paint.

ACE:

Hello Mr. Crown, what's new?

CROWN:

Well, it looks like we're going to do some advertising business.

ACE:

Really? You think so?

CROWN:

I think so. It's about 99 percent certain. I can tell you now the reason I've been hesitating. We've been waiting on a pretty big paint order, and it looks now like we're gonna get it. It's about 99 percent certain! Wait for my call about 3 or 4 o'clock this afternoon and I'll give you the definite OK. And while you're waiting, start thinking of ideas for this new paint we've got. It's a one-coat paint.

ACE:

One-coat. Haha! That's an appropriate name.

CROWN:

Yes, because it only takes one coat.

ACE:

Well, no, I meant because I promised to buy my wife a coat if I landed this account.

CROWM:

Oh, I see. One coat. Haha! That's pretty good.

ACE:

Well, I'll work out some ideas, Mr. Crown, but I've gotta make a call right now.

FX:

TIME-PASSING MUSIC

ANNCR:

But three o'clock came...four o'clock came... however, a call from the Crown Paint Company did NOT come. Finally, Ace came to his senses, decided to take matters into his own hands, and called Mr. Crown himself.

ACE:

What happened to the account? You said it was 99 certain...

CROWN:

Well, it was. But I've been waiting to hear from a certain party about that deal I expected to put over, and I didn't hear. I think I'll give him a ring and find out what gives.

FX:

TRANSITION

CROWN:

Hello, Mr. Herman, what happened on that paint order?

HERMAN:

Well, I've been waiting to hear from that woman who was going to buy that last house. She told me it was ninety percent certain. I think I'll call her and see what's going on.

FX:

TRANSITION

MARY:

Yes, this is Mrs Davis.

HERMAN:

Oh Mrs Davis, this is Mr. Herman. How about that house - weren't you coming over to sign the papers and make a deposit?

MARY:

Well I was; I was 80 percent certain I was. But I've been waiting to hear from my husband. I haven't heard from him all day. I'll tell you what Mr Herman - I'll give him a ring and be back to you soon.

FX:

TRANSITION

DAVIS:

But honey, I expected to hear from Mrs. Ace and she hasn't called me. She told me it was seventy percent certain.

MARY:

Well, Mr. Herman is calling me like mad, John ?

DAVIS:

I'll call up Mrs. Ace and find out what goes on. See you later, honey.

FX:

TRANSITION

JANE:

But Mr. Davis, I've been waiting all afternoon to hear from my husband. He said it was sixty percent certain. But he hasn't called. I've been sitting at this phone till I'm black and blue. I even took four showers!

DAVIS:

Four showers?

JANE:

The phone always rings when I'm in the shower.

DAVIS:

And he hasn't called you? Mrs. Ace, don't kid me. Are you SURE your husband didn't say no? Come clean now.

JANE:

Come clean! Mr. Davis, I TOLD you about the four showers. I'm going to call up Mr. Ace and see what's going on or not.

FX:

TRANSITION

ANNCR:

This puts Jane in a pretty tough spot. So Jane gets an idea. She decides to sew her initials into the coat. If she takes this initial piece of action, the rest of the pieces will fall into place. So the next day...(*****)

JANE:

Get thee behind me SATIN, I'm going to get that mink coat. By hook or by ladder, I'm going to do it.

FX:

phone dials

DAVIS:

Hello, Davis Furs.

JANE:

Hello Mrs. Ace, this is Mr. Davis.

DAVIS:

Who?

JANE:

Davis. D-A-V - I mean A-C-E - Davis. Jane Davi- I mean, Jane Ace.

DAVIS:

Oh yes, Mrs. Ace. Am I glad to hear from you.

JANE:

Just fine. It's about those initials, Mr. Davis. I'll TAKE the coat.
DAVIS: Initials?

JANE:

J.A., in the lining - will you put the initials in?

DAVIS:

Then your husband said it was all right?

JANE:

We'll cross him when we come to it.

DAVIS:

That's fine. I'm sure glad you called. I appreciate it. My wife appreciates it. In fact, I'll phone her now.

MARY:

John, dear, is it really true?

DAVIS:

It sure is, honey.

MARY:

I'll call Mr. Herman right away.

HERMAN:

Well, Mrs. Davis, I'm very happy for you.

MARY:

Isn't it wonderful?

HERMAN:

And I'll attend to the paint job right away.

CROWN:

Yes Sir, Mr. Herman, this is Mr. Crown.

HERMAN:

That order for the paint - it's official now.

CROWN:

Thank you. I've got a call to make myself now.

ACE:

Yes, this is Ace.

CROWN:

Good news. Ace. I just got the confirmation on that
advertising. It's all definite now.

ACE:

Terrific. Perhaps I can drop by your office first thing in the morning with some ideas for you.

CROWN:

Don't forget that one-coat paint.

ACE:

Oh yes - that one coat - I mustn't forget that one coat, especially.

FX:

DOOR OPENS

ACE:

Well goodbye, Mr. Crown.

FX:

DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

Hello, dear.

ACE:

Why, hello Jane. What are you doing downtown at the office?

JANE:

Dear, I've done the most terrible thing I ever did in all the years we've been married, and ten months.

ACE:

What did you ?

JANE:

But first I want you to know how terrible I feel about it and I'm gonna cancel it.

ACE:

What did you ?

JANE:

And I also want you to know I did it of my own violation. I should have known better.

ACE:

What did you ?

JANE:

You know me when I get the urge to do something. I become completely uninhabited.

ACE:

What did you ?

JANE:

But I realize now I could never wear it with a clear conscience, no matter how cold it gets.

ACE:

do ?

JANE:

So I'm going to cancel the whole thing this minute. May I use your phone?

ACE. No! Wait a minute. What did you do? Did you - did you order that mink coat without even waiting to find out if my deal went through?

JANE:

In other words, yes.

ACE:

What other words?

JANE:

But don't worry, dear. I'm gonna cancel it. Of course, I may have to pay the initial cost.

ACE:

The initial cost ?

JANE:

I told him to put my initials in it.

ACE:

Oh.

JANE:

But there's still time to cancel it. And no sooner said the better.

ACE:

Well, Jane, look. You don't have to cancel it. I just put over the deal as you came in. So now you can get that coat with a clear conscience.

JANE:

No, dear. That's very sweet, but it's too late. I already did the damage, and this is going to be a lesson to me. A wife must always take the bitter with the better, I always say.

ACE:

Yes, you do always say.

JANE:

I'm gonna teach me a lesson if it's the last thing I do. This hurts me more than it does you, but I'm calling him now.

FX:

DIALS

ACE:

If that's the way you feel about it...

DAVIS:

Davis Furs.

JANE:

Hello Mr. Davis. You know that mink coat I was looking at?

DAVIS:

Yes.

JANE:

Well, I'm not looking at it any more. Cancel it.

DAVIS:

Oh, this is terrible. Goodbye Mrs. Ace - I've got to call my wife.

MARY:

Oh no - you can't DO that, John.

DAVIS:

I'm sorry Mary, but that woman just canceled the coat. It's off. Call Herman and call off the house.

HERMAN:

But Mrs. Davis - you can't call it off now. I thought I had the house SOLD to you.

MARY:

And I thought my husband had a mink coat sold, but the customer just canceled it.

HERMAN:

And now you're canceling the house? Oh brother, I've got some canceling to do myself.

CROWN:

What do you mean you don't want the paint?

HERMAN:

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

CROWN:

But why? I thought you said you had that last house sold to a Mrs. Davis.

HERMAN:

I THOUGHT I had it sold to her, just like Mrs. Davis thought Mr. Davis had sold a mink coat to another woman who just called up and canceled the coat.

CROWN:

The whole thing depended on somebody's mink coat?

HERMAN:

That's right. That's why I'm canceling the paint job.

CROWN:

Which reminds me - I've got some canceling to do myself.

ACE:

Well, maybe you're right Jane. Maybe it is a lesson to you, and maybe it's best at that.

FX:

Phone ring.

ACE:

Excuse me. Hello?

CROWN:

Ace, This is Crown again.

ACE:

Yes sir?

CROWN:

The ad campaign is off. Finished. Canceled.

ACE:

Cancelled? What's the matter? What happened?

CROWN:

You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Just cancel it. I can hardly believe it myself.

ACE:

Believe what? What did you cancel it? What's the reason?

CROWN:

Mink coat.

ACE:

uh, what?

CROWN:

See, I told you you wouldn't believe it.

ACE:

Yes I will. I just didn't understand you. Sounded as if you said mink coat. Haha! What DID you say?

CROWN:

Mink Coat.

ACE:

Hahaha! You DID say mink coat.

CROWN:

I did. Mink coat! Mink coat, mink coat! There, I said it again!

ACE:

But what's it got to do with our advertising campaign?

CROWN:

You asked for it. Some LUNKhead promised his wife a mink coat. He backed out. He didn't buy it for his wife, so the woman's husband who sells mink coats had HIS wife cancel a house they were going to buy - and the man who was gonna sell the house called ME up cancelled a big paint order, and I called YOU up and cancelled the ad campaign.

ACE:

You mean it all depended on some -

CROWN:

There's no use talking to me about it now. It all goes back to Mr. Davis now. If Mr. Davis's fur shop sells the coat, then we can talk businesses.

ACE:

But I don't see how I can talk to a furrier named Da- named Da- named- Uhh... just hold the phone one minute, (pause) Jane?

JANE:

Yes?

ACE:

Jane, did I hear you call a Mr. Davis just now to cancel that mink coat?

JANE:

Yes, and it's going to be a lesson to me.

ACE:

And to me. Oh Jane, you almost ruined a whole big advertising campaign for me.

JANE:

Me! For you! Me! For you!

ACE:

And me for you and tea for two.

JANE:

I didn't have anything to do with your advertising campaign!

ACE:

I know. And still you ruined it. It's a gift you have.

JANE:

Well, thanks dear. But I won't take the coat.

ACE:

You WILL take it.

JANE:

I won't!

ACE:

Yes you will. Jane, I insist you buy that mink coat!

JANE:

Well, this is an argument I never would have believed with my own ears.

ACE:

You're gonna buy that coat right now, understand?

JANE:

Now, you're just being mean. You're stubborn. You're cruel. All men are beasts.

ACE:

Still there Mr Crown? Good. Mr. Crown, it's gonna be okay. That lunkhead you mentioned just bought that mink coat for his wife.

FX:

MUSIC UP AND OUT