Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Our Miss Brooks
Show: Board of Education Day
Date: Jan 08 1950

Your Announcer, Bob LeMond
Mrs. Davis, Miss Brooks' Landlady
Connie Brooks, A Teacher
Walter Denton, A Student
Stretch Snodgrass, A Clueless Athletic Student
Osgood Conklin, The High School Principle
Verne Smith, The Palmolive Announcer
Phillip Boynton, The Handsome, Clueless Science Teacher
Harriet Conklin, A Student (& Daughter Of The Principle)
Mr. Stone, From The Board Of Education

BOB LEMOND:

Colgate Dental Creme to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay, and Lustre Creme shampoo for soft glamorous caressable hair, bring you, "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden!

MFX

BOB LEMOND:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks" written by Al Lewis, not the Al Lewis who played "Grandpa" on "The Munsters" but a different Al Lewis. Well, Tuesday January 3rd marked the end of the holidays, and teachers and pupils all over the country returned to their various halls of learning. Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, was discussing her vacation with her landlady at breakfast, last Tuesday.

MRS. DAVIS:

I guess vacations are necessary sometimes, Connie. But now I suppose you're looking forward to returning to dear old Madison High, with considerable enthusiasm.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes indeed, Mrs. Davis, with all the enthusiasm of a sailor returning to his dear old submarine, after a two-week vacation on Bali Bali.

MRS. DAVIS:

You'll get back into the swing in no time Connie. Is Walter Denton picking you up this morning?

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, he is, and I hope he's on time. Our beloved principal has designated today as Board of Education Day.

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, what sort of ceremony is Mr. Conklin planning?

MISS BROOKS:

Well, Mr. Stone, the head of the board, will be there for his annual oiling, and Mr. Conklin will have the whole school lined up on the campus. Some of the students will even march past Mr. Stone carrying the flag.

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, it can't do any harm Connie; the board might decide to give you teachers a raise in the coming year.

MISS BROOKS:

I hope so. Then maybe next year we'll be strong enough to carry the flag.

SFX:

DOOR KNOCK

MISS BROOKS:

I'll get it. (off mic) I'll be right there.

MRS. DAVIS:

I'll take the dishes into the kitchen.

MISS BROOKS:

All right, Mrs. Davis, and thanks for breakfast.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

MISS BROOKS:

Good morning Walter.

WALTER DENTON:

It's more than that Miss Brooks; this is the morning when the glorious gates of learning fling open anew. When the tantalizing aroma of chalk and pencil shavings beckons us all, teachers and pupils alike, to join hands and amidst the clanging of bells, come gaily skipping back to the black hole of Calcutta.

MISS BROOKS:

Why Walter, I didn't know you had it in you. And I wish you'd put it back. You did have a nice vacation didn't you?

WALTER DENTON:

Oh sure I did Miss Brooks, that is up till last night. And then it was practically ruined by Mr. Conklin. He ordered me to write an editorial for the Madison Monitor on what the board of education means to me.

MISS BROOKS:

Did you write it?

WALTER DENTON:

Well sure I did. But you know what a tyrant old marble head can be when, I mean Mr. Conklin can be when you cross him. But, as a believer in freedom of the press, I really gave that board of education both barrels.

MISS BROOKS:

Walter, this is a new year. Don't you think one barrel would have been enough?

WALTER DENTON:

Giving us Monday off after New Year's Day, and then making us go to school Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday is downright sadistic.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, it's better than not having Monday off, isn't it?

WALTER DENTON:

Well sure, but it's not as good as having the rest of the week off too.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, I'm with you there Walter. It would also be nice if they gave us February and March off. But that isn't the way the board works.

WALTER DENTON:

Sometimes I doubt if they work at all. But it's all in this editorial Miss Brooks. Here, I told Mr. Conklin you'd proof read it and bring it into his office this morning.

MISS BROOKS:

Me?

WALTER DENTON:

Well sure. You're faculty advisor to the school paper aren't you? Don't be nervous about handing it to him Miss Brooks; just toss it on his desk.

MISS BROOKS:

I can only do that if you'll agree to do something for me.

WALTER DENTON:

Oh, what's that Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Notify my next of kin. Look Walter, Mr. Conklin wants to start the year off with the spirit of cooperation. You'd better destroy this literary Frankenstein.

WALTER DENTON:

Oh, I couldn't do that Miss Brooks. But I'll think it over on the way to school, and maybe amend some of my statements.

MISS BROOKS:

Fine. Now I'll just slip on my coat, and we can get going.

WALTER DENTON:

Swell, my pal Stretch is waiting out in the car, and he's pretty brought down.

MISS BROOKS:

Stretch Snodgrass? What's the matter with him?

WALTER DENTON:

Oh, you know what a great athlete Stretch is, he can pick up any sport in a second, but he can't seem to absorb much with his brain. He's afraid that during the holidays he forgot everything he learned all term. You know what I mean?

MISS BROOKS:

I know exactly what you mean. The alphabet.

MFX

WALTER DENTON:

Go ahead Stretch; tell Miss Brooks what's bothering you. She might be able to help you out.

MISS BROOKS:

I'll certainly try, Stretch. What's your immediate problem?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Everything.

MISS BROOKS:

Good, long as you've got it localized, I can help you.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

I mean everything at school Miss Brooks. You see, I just gotta stay eligible for basketball, but Mr. Boynton says I gotta take a biology test pretty soon. And I forgot so much during our vacation, I'm afraid I'm just not no good at no biology no more.

MISS BROOKS:

Stretch, it is incorrect to use a double negative in a sentence. You just used four of them.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Oh, then what I said was okay, huh? Gee, I'm sure glad I didn't forget none of my English, like I forgot about my animals in biology. Gosh, I used to know my animals like I know my A, B, my A, B...

MISS BROOKS:

C's. I was right about the alphabet.

WALTER DENTON:

Yeah, I guess you were. Go on Stretch, tell Miss Brooks some more about the test.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Well, I think it's going to be mostly about birds and monkeys and stuff like that there.

MISS BROOKS:

What where?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

I gotta know the names of the different kinds of baboons, which I used to know real good, but I forgot.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, don't worry about it Stretch. If you want me to, I'll meet you after school, and review your lessons with you.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Oh, that'd be keen Miss Brooks! Gosh, I bet even the baboon's know the names of all the other baboons.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, don't worry about that either. If you'll just concentrate, and spend the next couple of years studying, you'll be as smart as any other baboon.

MFX

MR. CONKLIN:

I've summoned you to my office, Miss Brooks to inform you of the fact that at one o'clock Mr. Stone is due to arrive. So, promptly at twelve-fifty-five, the students and faculty will line up outside, between the old cannon and the flagpole.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes sir.

MR. CONKLIN:

Then, I will greet Mr. Stone and read aloud the editorial, which is to appear in the next issue of the Madison Monitor.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, the editorial...

MR. CONKLIN:

I am not finished, Miss Brooks. The editorial is called, What the Board of Education Means to Me, and was written by Walter Denton. Now as you know, I am not overly fond of young Denton, but as my daughter Harriet pointed out to me, "he does get off some good editorials."

MISS BROOKS:

He gets off some pips. But Mr. Conklin I don't-

MR. CONKLIN:

He said you'd deliver this one to me after proof reading it, Miss Brooks. May I have it please?

MISS BROOKS:

May you have it please? Uh, but Mr. Conklin I haven't got it, and neither has Walter. He told me he lost it on the way to school today.

MR. CONKLIN:

Lost it?? That's out of the question. He's just trying to delay-

MISS BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, if you're going to use an editorial as a welcoming speech, you should write it yourself.

MR. CONKLIN:

Me?

MISS BROOKS:

Of course. You're a master of the editorial form. Why even your inter-class communications are sheer poetry.

MR. CONKLIN:

They are?

MISS BROOKS:

Certainly they are. You sit right down at your desk Mr. Conklin, and start creating.

MR. CONKLIN:

Well I do have a way with words, I suppose, yes. Yes. I'll draft a speech this morning and send it to you at lunchtime Miss Brooks, for proof reading. Not that you'll find any grammatical errors.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, of course not.

MR. CONKLIN:

But, correct every one you find. Oh, uh, one more thing before you go. I'd like some exciting conclusion to the ceremony I've planned on the campus, something that would really wind it up in a spectacular manner. Any suggestions Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Well, you say we're lining up between the cannon and the flagpole?

MR. CONKLIN:

That is correct Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Then I think I've got just the idea for you Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh, what is it Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Let's shoot Walter Denton out of the cannon.

MFX

BOB LEMOND:

Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment, but first, here is Verne Smith.

VERNE SMITH:

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MFX

MISS BROOKS:

(narrating) Well, all during my morning classes, I waited for Mr. Conklin's epic essay, "What the Board of Education Means to Me." But when the epic didn't arrive at noon, I decided to expose myself to a luncheon invitation from Mr. Boynton. And hurried toward the biology laboratory. Just a few doorways from my goal, I was intercepted by Madison's athletic giant and mental midget, Stretch Snodgrass.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Uh, excuse me Miss Brooks, but could I see you for a minute?

MISS BROOKS:

(to STRETCH) I suppose so Stretch. What's on your- What's new?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Mr. Conklin appointed me "messenger of the day." That means I'm supposed to deliver messages.

MISS BROOKS:

Great. What does he want to see me about?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Mr. Conklin told me to deliver his board of education speech to you during the lunch period. That's why I stopped you just now.

MISS BROOKS:

Why?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

I ain't got it.

MISS BROOKS:

I haven't got it.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Oh, I know you ain't got it. I'm supposed to give it to you.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, why ain't you got it?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

He didn't give it to me yet.

MISS BROOKS:

One of us is getting nowhere in my English class. Now if you'll excuse me Stretch.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Oh sure Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Just leave the speech in Mr. Boynton's lab as soon as Mr. Conklin gives it to you. I've been anticipating this luncheon date for some time.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Okay Miss Brooks. I'm sorry I held you up.

MISS BROOKS:

That's all right.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

I didn't mean to take up so much of your time.

MISS BROOKS:

It's all right Stretch.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

I didn't know you were anticipating.

MISS BROOKS:

So long Stretch.

SFX:

DOOR KNOCK

MR. BOYNTON:

Come in.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

MR. BOYNTONWell, it's Miss Brooks. I'll be with you in just a minute. I've been trying to correct this biology test paper, it's an essay.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh?

MR. BOYNTON:

I can hardly make out the name of... The writing is so illegible. Let's see, could it be, Snodgrass?

MISS BROOKS:

What's the title of the essay?

MR. BOYNTON:

"A man's best friend is his animals."

MISS BROOKS:

It's Snodgrass all right.

MR. BOYNTON:

Listen to this, "Love birds is very nice pets, as they don't never bother nobody, hardly, but is all the time busy making love." Isn't that terrible?

MISS BROOKS:

You can't knock it to me. Oh you mean the grammar. Yes, yes, it is pretty bad.

MR. BOYNTON:

And here's another paragraph, "Baboons is pretty big, and the Mandrill is the biggest baboon of all. They make very nice pets, as they don't never bother nobody hardly, but is all the time busy making love."

MISS BROOKS:

He ought to change the title to "an animal's best friend is his animals." You can finish that later Mr. Boynton, lets go to lunch, huh?

MR. BOYNTON:

Okay, very well Miss Brooks. I hope we run into Walter Denton, in the cafeteria, these papers must have fallen out of his briefcase this morning, I'd like to return them. Seems to be an editorial for the school paper.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, let's see that. Hmmm, "What the board of education means to me," by Walter Denton. I'm glad I discovered this in time. As faculty advisor to the paper, Mr. Conklin would hold me responsible for the most embarrassing incident that ever happened in Madison.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, what do you mean Miss Brooks? What's in the editorial?

MISS BROOKS:

Just a pint or two of Walter's spleen. It's a blast of the board which I'm going to tear up right now.

SFX:

PAPER TEARING

MR. BOYNTON:

Er, uh, Miss Brooks, just a minute, look what you've done. You've torn up Stretch's essay along with the other one.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh I'm sorry Mr. Boynton, what were you planning to do with it? Send it to the congressional library? Such deftless prose, baboons don't never bother nobody hardly, but is all the time busy making love. (laughs) What am I laughing at? It should happen to both of us. MFX

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton? Huh, guess they went to lunch. Well I'll just leave Mr. Conklin's speech on the desk and-

WALTER DENTON:

Hiya Stretch! Have you heard about the ceremonies we're gonna have?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Yeah Walter. Mr. Stone's coming down, and we all gotta line up and greet him.

WALTER DENTON:

And boy is he gonna get a greeting! I cooking some powder down in the chem lab that I'm gonna put in back of the old cannon, and when Mr. Stone gets here, we'll give him a salute that he'll hear till he's 90!

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Gosh, do you think Mr. Conklin'll like that?

WALTER DENTON:

He doesn't know about it yet. What's this on the desk here? Oh, "What the board of education means to me." Say, I thought I lost this editorial while I was in here this morning.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

What editorial?

WALTER DENTON:

This one. Gee, I'm glad I found it. Miss Brooks was right, this could get me in a lot of trouble.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

But Walter-

WALTER DENTON:

This thing is dynamite. I'm gonna tear it up right now.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

But you shouldn't there's something I gotta tell you.

SFX:

PAPER TEARING

WALTER DENTON:

In a minute. Now, what is it Stretch?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

That wasn't your editorial you just tore up.

WALTER DENTON:

It wasn't?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

No. It was a speech that Mr. Conklin's been sweating out all morning.

WALTER DENTON:

Hah?

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Yeah. He told me to give it to Miss Brooks, but don't worry Walter, I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles. I'll just pick the pieces out of the wastebasket and paste them together again.

WALTER DENTON:

I'd better help you. Oh but the chem lab, I've got powder cooking!

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

You better get back there Walter. This'll be easy for me to do, honest. You go on back and make some real good explosives, it'll liven the place up a bit.

WALTER DENTON:

Yeah, I guess I'd better Stretch, but whatever you do, get that speech pasted together fast.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Okay pal! Let's see, there's more papers in this basket than I thought. Well, here's one piece that fits to another, oh no it don't neither. Well it almost fits. Oh it'll be good enough.

MFX

MISS BROOKS:

Walter? Walter Denton?

WALTER DENTON:

Oh yes Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Have you seen Stretch anywhere? I've looked all over the grounds for him. Walter, what are you doing with that cannon?

WALTER DENTON:

Cannon? Oh, I'm just polishing it Miss Brooks. Want everything to look spick and span when Mr. Stone gets here.

MISS BROOKS:

Well he better not get here until Stretch shows up with Mr. Conklin's speech. I don't know what he'll do if I don't-

MR. CONKLIN:

Ah, there you are Miss Brooks. Have you finished checking my speech?

MISS BROOKS:

Eh, not really Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

What do you mean not really?

MISS BROOKS:

I haven't begun. That is, I haven't begun to enjoy anything as much as I did that speech of yours. Uh, Stretch is carrying it for me.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Excuse me Miss Brooks, but here's the speech. It's right in this folder.

MISS BROOKS:

Nice timing Stretch. See Mr. Conklin, here's your speech.

MR. CONKLIN:

Uh, and not a minute too soon. I think this is Mr. Stone's car driving up right now. Attention everyone, straiten out those lines, that's right. Now Miss Brooks, you stand on my left, I'll stand here by the cannon.

WALTER DENTON:

Get a little closer to the cannon Mr. Conklin. You look stunning together.

MR. CONKLIN:

Quiet Denton. Now remember, when Mr. Stone steps out of the car, I'll count three and we'll all salute him.

WALTER DENTON:

I certainly will.

MR. CONKLIN:

Ready now? One.... Two...

SFX:

HUGE EXPLOSION

MISS BROOKS:

Walter! What in the world did you put in that cannon?

WALTER DENTON:

It was just sort of a giant firecracker Miss Brooks. Wasn't it keen?

MR. CONKLIN:

Would somebody please help me up?

MISS BROOKS:

Oh of course Mr. Conklin. There you are, Sir. Everything all right? There's no reason to be embarrassed, that wasn't Mr. Stone's car.

MR. CONKLIN:

How?

MISS BROOKS:

I said that wasn't Mr. Stone's car.

MR. CONKLIN:

Don't stand there flapping your lips, say something.

WALTER DENTON:

He can't hear a word you're saying! He was standing so close to the cannon, it must have plugged up his ears.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh no! This is terrible Walter.

MR. CONKLIN:

What's that? What's that? What did you just say?

MISS BROOKS:

We've got to get him into his office, he seems stunned.

STRETCH SNODGRASS:

Well all the same, come on gang, three cheers for Mr. Conklin.

CROWD OF TEENS Yea Mr. Conklin! Yea Mr. Conklin! Yea Mr. Conklin!

MR. CONKLIN:

What's going on here? Why is everyone so quiet?

WALTER DENTON:

Poor Mr. Conklin. (makes a derisive noise) MFX

HARRIET CONKLIN Oh gosh Miss Brooks, you don't think Daddy's hearing'll be permanently impaired, do you?

MISS BROOKS:

Of course not Harriet. This is just a temporary condition.

SFX:

DOOR KNOCK

MISS BROOKS:

Shall I say, "Come in," Mr. Conklin?

MR. CONKLIN:

Eh, what's that? What?

MISS BROOKS:

Come in.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

WALTER DENTON:

Hiya Miss Brooks! How's Mr. Conklin's hearing?

MISS BROOKS:

Very bad Walter.

WALTER DENTON:

Good! We're gonna shoot off the cannon again!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/SLAMS

MISS BROOKS:

But Walter-

MR. CONKLIN:

-I, uh, that was Denton, wasn't it? Did he have anything to do with that explosion by the cannon?

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Oh, I'm sure he didn't Daddy. (yelling) I say I'm sure he didn't Daddy!

MISS BROOKS:

That's right Mr. Conklin, it just exploded. I say it just exploded!

MR. CONKLIN:

It certainly is corroded. I don't understand what happened. That cannon hasn't been touched since the Spanish American War. It's absolutely useless.

MISS BROOKS:

What do you mean useless, we won didn't we?

MR. CONKLIN:

You're right, you're right, it is unusual for Mr. Stone to be so late; he's quite a busy man though.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Gosh Miss Brooks, do you think Daddy's hearing is getting any better at all?

SFX:

HUGE EXPLOSION

MR. CONKLIN:

Come in.

MISS BROOKS:

He's improving by leaps and bounds. Harriet please go out and tell Walter to stop that racket at once.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Okay Miss Brooks, but you'll stay with Daddy won't you?

MISS BROOKS:

Certainly, and don't worry about him Harriet, he's not in any pain.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

All right Miss Brooks. See you later Daddy.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh, er, Miss Brooks, when Mr. Stone does get here, I don't want him to know that there's anything wrong. With my hearing or anything else. If he suspected that a cannon had exploded on school property, he'd go back to the board in a tizzy.

MISS BROOKS:

I understand Mr. Conklin, and in view of your condition, I think it might be a good idea if I were to read your speech to him.

MR. CONKLIN:

In view of my condition, it might be a good idea if you were to read my speech to him.

MISS BROOKS:

Quite an echo in here.

MR. CONKLIN:

Now, remember to read the speech slowly Miss Brooks, and when I see your lips stop moving, I'll make some appropriate comment from time to time.

SFX:

DOOR KNOCK

MISS BROOKS:

Come in!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

MISS BROOKS:

Well, it's Mr. Stone.

MR. STONE:

How do you do Miss Brooks? Sorry I'm late Osgood, it was unavoidable.

MR. CONKLIN:

Thank you Mr. Stone, and a happy New Year to you too.

MR. STONE:

I beg your pardon?

MISS BROOKS:

Uh, Mr. Conklin's a little confused Mr. Stone, it isn't every day that so distinguished a visitor honors our institution with a visit.

MR. STONE:

Well, that's very gracious Miss Brooks.

MR. CONKLIN:

The speech Miss Brooks, the speech.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, Sir. However, Mr. Conklin has prepared a little speech, which I will read to you now.

MR. STONE:

You? But why don't you read it yourself Osgood?

MISS BROOKS:

You see Mr. Stone, he's so choked with emotion, he's speechless. However, I have it right here. Hmm, nice paste job. It's entitled, "What the board of education means to me," by Osgood Conklin. It reads, "Few people realize the magnificent efficiency with which our board of education functions. This august body is composed of a group of able members, and these baboons grow to a height of four feet.

MR. STONE:

What?

MR. CONKLIN:

Every word of this comes from the bottom of my heart. Read on Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

I don't know whether I should...

MR. STONE:

I insist that you do.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh well. "The members of the board of education make very nice pets, as they don't never bother nobody, but is all the time busy making love.

MR. STONE:

What is the meaning of this?

MR. CONKLIN:

Right from the bottom of my heart.

MR. STONE:

Now see here Conklin, if this is some sort of a joke, I don't like it. Not one bit!

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh you're too kind Mr. Stone. Hand me that last page Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

But Mr. Conklin, I wouldn't...

MR. CONKLIN:

Give it here, give it here, give it here. To sum up, I would like to read what I have written in this last paragraph, to whit, "having observed Mr. Stone's educational methods, I'm convinced that his outstanding talent is his ability to eat bananas while hanging by his tail." Believe me Mr. Stone, these sentiments are dictated by a- (shouting) Eat bananas while hanging by his tail?!?

MR. STONE:

The man has obviously taken leave of his senses.

MISS BROOKS:

But sir, if you'd let me ex-

MR. STONE:

If and when they return, this matter will be thoroughly investigated. Good day Miss Brooks!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

MR. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, this speech, this isn't the speech I wrote!

MISS BROOKS:

I know it now Mr. Conklin. But I didn't-

MR. CONKLIN:

I hold you responsible for this entire fiasco! And believe me Miss Brooks; you have no idea how severe your punishment is going to be.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh yes I have, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

(shouting) Miss Brooks! Where are you going??

MISS BROOKS:

Out to get some bananas. There's nothing like hanging by your tail from a flagpole to whip up an appetite.

MFX

BOB LEMOND Eve Arden, as Our Miss Brooks, returns in just a moment, but first.... MFX

VERNE SMITH:

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BOB LEMOND:

And now, once again, here is, Our Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

(narrating) Well, even after he'd read a written confession, from Walter and Stretch, Mr. Conklin still blamed me for the day's misadventures. Accordingly, he ordered me to write a brand new speech for him that same afternoon. I wouldn't have minded that so much, but it meant breaking one of my rare dates with Mr. Boynton. I was complaining about it as we walked down the hall after school.

MR. BOYNTON:

It does sound unfair Miss Brooks, but after all, Mr. Conklin's the boss. What can you do about it?

MISS BROOKS:

(to BOYNTON) Well, I could go into his office and tell him off, I suppose. But that wouldn't do any good either, he can't hear a word. Wait a minute; maybe these are the ideal conditions. A chance to say all the things I've ever wanted to say to Mr. Conklin, right to his face.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, do you think that's wise, Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

I don't know how wise it is, but it'll certainly do my little heart good.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Excuse me Miss Brooks; I've got to take this aspirin in to Daddy.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh let me take it Harriet; there's something I'd like to say to him.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

He's still pretty upset Miss Brooks. Maybe I'd better see him alone first.

MISS BROOKS:

All right Harriet.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Here's your aspirin Daddy. And a glass of water. See? Water? Drink?

MR. CONKLIN:

Stop gibbering girl, I can hear you distinctly.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

You can?

MR. CONKLIN:

Yes, yes. It happened just a moment ago. My head cleared and my hearing is perfectly normal.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

How wonderful. Oh Daddy, Miss Brooks is waiting to see you, may I send her in?

MR. CONKLIN:

Very well.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

HARRIET CONKLIN:

Daddy will see you now Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh goody.

HARRIET CONKLIN:

See you tomorrow.

MISS BROOKS:

All right Harriet.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

MR. CONKLIN:

Well Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

I just wanted to talk to you about my having to stay in this afternoon, you inconsiderate, maladjusted, sub-human, tyrant.

MR. CONKLIN:

What?

MISS BROOKS:

I've got some things to tell you that I've been saving up for years, and it's going to be a great pleasure to coo them into your dainty plugged up ears.

MR. CONKLIN:

Eh? How did that go again?

MISS BROOKS:

Of all the puffed up, over stuffed pompous windbags I've ever met, you take the marble cake, marble head.

MR. CONKLIN:

Eh?

MISS BROOKS:

Rather than try to talk some sense into that addle-pated mule brained little head of yours, I'll do the work this afternoon, does that make you happy, you beady eyed, beetle browed, old buzzard?

MR. CONKLIN:

Yes Miss Brooks. That makes me very happy.

MISS BROOKS:

Good. And I just want to say- BOING! You can hear!

MR. CONKLIN:

Yes. From the moment you entered this office, you'll be pleased to know that this over stuffed windbag has absorbed your every word. You realize of course Miss Brooks that any chastisement you have suffered in the past is mere child's play when compared with what's in store for you now?

MISS BROOKS:

How? Eh?

MR. CONKLIN:

I will not only see to it that our local board of education receives a-

MISS BROOKS:

Must be contagious, can't seem to hear a single word you're saying. It was over three hours ago that the cannon went off, and here I am, suddenly taken stone deaf. Oh well, I guess there's no sense in worrying about it, I'll just relax and enjoy the evening...

MFX

BOB LEMOND Next week brings you another, Our Miss Brooks show, brought to you by Lustre Creme Shampoo, for soft manageable, glamorous, caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Creme, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden is produced by Larry Burns, directed by Al Lewis, not the Al Lewis who played "Grandpa" on "The Munsters" but a different Al Lewis, with music by Wilber Hatch.

MFX

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MFX

BOB LEMOND Be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks". Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.