Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Lux Radio Theater
Show: You Can't Take It With You
Date: Oct 02 1939

CAST:

The Lux Team
ANNOUNCER Melville Ruick
CECIL B. DeMILLE, your host
SALLY, singer, of the Modernettes Trio
MARY, singer, of the Modernettes Trio
IRENE, singer, of the Modernettes Trio

Grandpa's Family and Friends
GRANDPA, Martin Vanderhof, a gentle soul (WALTER CONNOLLY)
PENNY, his daughter, who likes to paint and write plays
PAUL, Penny's husband, who likes fireworks
ESSIE, their daughter, who likes to dance and make candy
ED, Essie's husband, who plays the xylophone
ALICE, Penny's "normal" daughter who loves a banker's son (FAY WRAY)
POPPINS, a meek accountant who likes inventing things
DE PINNA, the ice man, who cometh and stayeth for nine years
KOLENKHOV, the Russian ballet instructor
RHEBA, the housekeeper

The Kirbys and Associates
KIRBY, Scrooge-like banker-businessman (EDWARD ARNOLD)
MRS. KIRBY, his snooty wife
TONY Kirby, their son, who loves Alice (ROBERT CUMMINGS)
1ST ASSOCIATE
2ND ASSOCIATE
1ST SECRETARY
2ND SECRETARY
BLAKELY, real estate mogul
HUGHES, his aide

The General Atmosphere
HENDERSON, from the Internal Revenue Department
1ST G MAN
2ND G MAN
GUARD, at the police station
JUDGE, at night court
MAGGIE, a neighbor
MOVING MAN

NOTE: The play requires two harmonica players and a xylophonist.

ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MFX:

THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

The Lux Radio Theatre presents "You Can't Take It with You" with an all-star cast headed by Edward Arnold, Walter Connolly, Fay Wray, Robert Cummings, Neda Harrigan and Lee Patrick. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.

MFX:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

SFX:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special occasion for us. Just five years ago this week, the curtain went up for the first time in the Lux Radio Theatre, and one of the most gratifying things to me is our box office report. Unlike most theatres, our box office is not situated in front of a building, with one ticket seller, but in every city and town throughout the country, with thousands of ticket sellers -- in every store where you buy Lux Toilet Soap. It's your loyal purchase of our product that raises the curtain each week in this theatre, and it's all made possible by the exceptional quality of Lux Toilet Soap. Mr. Ruick has a letter on this subject that I think you'd like to hear.

ANNOUNCER:

It says, "Dear Mr. DeMille, We are all loyal to you, to the Lux Radio Theatre, and to Lux Toilet Soap. I, for one, purchased Lux Toilet Soap, at first, as a 'thank you' for the Lux Radio Theatre, so the Theatre might be continued. But, just as you've told us, the quality of the product is so outstanding that I am now writing to tell you that I wouldn't think of doing without my Lux Toilet Soap. It's a grand help for a woman who wants to keep her complexion as attractive as possible, and it certainly makes a grand bath soap. And special thanks to you, Mr. DeMille, for 'You Can't Take It with You.' I'll be listening in Monday night."

DEMILLE:

And that, Mr. Ruick, brings us to our play. The ancient Greeks had a gift for philosophy; the Romans a gift for government; and just as certainly Americans have always been blessed with a gift for humor. Prophets of gloom have never fared very well in our country. They've always been overshadowed by prophets of laughter, like Moss Hart and George S. Kaufman, who wrote "You Can't Take It with You." A Pulitzer Prize play on the Broadway stage and later a hit motion picture produced by Columbia Pictures Corporation, "You Can't Take It with You" is a great American comedy. But it's also a love story, for there can be humor in romance, even though the parties concerned are usually too serious to see it.

To cast this play, we literally covered the country, from Maine to California. Our good friend Edward Arnold was up in San Francisco enjoying a kind of postman's holiday with the Bohemian Club, a group of gentlemen who amuse themselves occasionally by putting on a play. But we suggested that it was time to stop entertaining himself and get back to entertaining the public. He's here tonight as Banker Kirby, the same role he played in the picture.

Miss Fay Wray was in Maine, finishing an engagement on the straw hat circuit. That's the branch of the theatre which blooms in the spring and closes up at the first frost. We reached her by telephone and told her about the part of Alice and, above the noise of shifting scenery, she managed to shout across the continent that she'd take the next train for California.

We found Walter Connolly, our choice for Grandpa Vanderhof, solemnly waving a steak knife in the Paramount commissary. When we caught his eye, from a safe distance, he explained that he was learning to be an orchestra conductor for the title role in "The Gay Days of Victor Herbert."

Robert Cummings, one of the most promising young leading men in Hollywood, takes the part of Tony. Neda Harrigan, in private life Mrs. Walter Connolly, plays Mrs. Kirby, and lovely Lee Patrick, the role of Penny.

Firecrackers, ballet dancers, romance and income taxes are about to descend upon us. It's curtain time for Act One of "You Can't Take It with You," starring Edward Arnold as Mr. Kirby, Walter Connolly as Grandpa Vanderhof, Fay Wray as Alice and Robert Cummings as Tony.

MFX:

A BREEZY INTRO ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

DEMILLE:

The fifty-seventh floor of the Kirby Building, tallest and most impressive structure of a great American city. On a door opposite the elevator is a brass plate bearing the legend "Anthony P. Kirby Company, Bankers" and behind seven other doors marked "Private" is the inner sanctum of the great Kirby himself. The famous tycoon cannot be disturbed just now. With his son Tony and a small group of associates, he's engaged in the ceremonial dance of modern business -- a very important conference. [X]

KIRBY:

Gentlemen, we're going ahead exactly as planned! Our company will be the largest individual corporation in the world! (WITH EMPHASIS) Particularly with Ramsey lined up!

1ST ASSOCIATE:

Why, we'd control the whole field of production!

KIRBY:

Exactly, gentlemen.

2ND ASSOCIATE:

But, A. P., Ramsey would never permit himself to be absorbed by anybody.

KIRBY:

Oh, won't he? Earlier this year, Ramsey floated a new issue, didn't he? What for? For expansion, new production facilities! All right. Where's he going to build these new production facilities? I own every twelve square blocks completely surrounding his factories!

1ST ASSOCIATE:

You own them?

2ND ASSOCIATE:

We didn't know anything about that, A. P.

KIRBY:

Of course, you didn't! Nobody knew! The Blakely Real Estate Company's been buying it for me -- a piece at a time. But my name was kept out of it.

1ST ASSOCIATE:

That's brilliant, A. P.

KIRBY:

So you see, gentlemen, we can proceed without any trouble. Well, you know what to do. Come on, get busy.

BIZ:

ASSOCIATES AD LIB ("Yes, sir" ... "We'll hop right to it" ... "Goodbye, A. P.") ... FADES

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

KIRBY:

Oh, Douglas -- get me Mr. Blakely on the phone.

1ST SEC'Y:

Yes, sir.

KIRBY:

Well, Tony, how does it feel to be a vice-president?

TONY:

Well, it's been painless enough so far, Dad.

KIRBY:

Hm. You talk as if you were having a tooth yanked.

TONY:

(GOOD NATURED) Look, Dad, maybe sometime when you've got a week or two off you can sort of let me in on what the banking business is all about, huh?

KIRBY:

Oh, now, now, don't give up, Tony. Sure, it's complicated, but-- Oh, you'll get used to it. How's your mother been?

TONY:

Oh, she - she's fine. Said she'd drop in later.

1ST SEC'Y:

Mr. Blakely's on the phone, sir.

KIRBY:

Good, good! Hello? Hello, Blakely?

BLAKELY:

(FILTERED) Hello, A. P.

KIRBY:

How's it going, Blakely? You got that property yet?

BLAKELY:

(FILTERED) Well, I'm having a little trouble, A. P. I've got all twelve blocks except one house -- twenty-five foot front -- and the man won't sell.

KIRBY:

(EXPLODES) Well, make him sell! Those twelve blocks are useless unless I can buy every inch!

BLAKELY:

(CHANGES TO STRAIGHT MIKE DURING SPEECH) Well, I'm trying, A. P., but the old man's a crank. I offered him fifty thousand yesterday and he turned it down. I tried to get him in here today to talk some sense into him, but I don't know.

KIRBY:

(FILTERED) You don't know?! You listen to me! I don't want any excuses! I want his house! And remember this, Blakely! Unless you buy the whole twelve blocks, you don't get a penny commission! Goodbye!

SFX:

CLICK OF RECEIVER ON OTHER END

BLAKELY:

But, Mr. Kirby--

SFX:

SECOND RECEIVER DOWN

BLAKELY:

(SIGHS) That man's got ice-water in his veins. I tell you, John, we've got to get that property.

HUGHES:

You can't force a man to sell his home.

BLAKELY:

Well, what'd he say when you offered him the fifty thousand?

HUGHES:

I'm not sure, but I think someone began singing, someone else danced, and Grandpa Vanderhof himself sat down and played a mouth organ.

BLAKELY:

A mouth organ? What are they, a bunch of nuts?

2ND SEC'Y:

(FADING IN) Mr. Vanderhof is here, Mr. Blakely.

BLAKELY:

(DELIGHTED) Oh, Mr. Vanderhof? Well, send him right in! No, no, no. No. Have him wait.

2ND SEC'Y:

(FADING) Yes, sir.

BLAKELY:

(WITH A CHUCKLE) Let him cool his heels a while.

HUGHES:

Psychology, eh?

BLAKELY:

It never fails. (FADES)

SOUND:

FADE IN ON MONOTONOUS RHYTHM OF ADDING MACHINE

2ND SEC'Y:

Mr. Vanderhof, Mr. Blakely will see you in just a minute.

GRANDPA:

Huh? Oh, that's all right. I'm not in any hurry.

2ND SEC'Y:

(FADES) Thank you, Mr. Vanderhof.

GRANDPA:

(FRIENDLY) Say, Mister. What are you doing with that there machine?

POPPINS:

(STARTLED) Huh? Oh. Why, this is an adding machine.

SOUND:

MACHINE STOPS

POPPINS:

Oh, my goodness, made a mistake. (UNHAPPILY) First time in twenty years. (CLICKS HIS TONGUE)

GRANDPA:

I suppose that calls for the building to collapse, hm? What do you have to do that for?

POPPINS:

Well, I - I - I have to add up these figures and see if they check against these - other figures.

GRANDPA:

Why? Say, do you like it? This work you're doing?

POPPINS:

Oh, my goodness, no. (SUDDENLY FRIGHTENED) Oh, for lands' sakes, what am I saying!

GRANDPA:

Then what do you do it for? What would you rather do?

POPPINS:

Uh, uh, rather do? Why, I, uh-- I make up things.

GRANDPA:

Poetry?

POPPINS:

Oh, no, no. Things. Gadgets.

GRANDPA:

Let's see. Ya got anything here?

POPPINS:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Well, look back here behind the desk. See? This is one of the things I made up. The bunny comes out of the cabbage ...

MFX:

TINKLING MUSIC BOX

POPPINS:

... looks around. ... Then it goes back.

MFX:

STOPS

GRANDPA:

Now that's kinda cute. Seems to me, Mister, er--?

POPPINS:

Poppins.

GRANDPA:

Seems to me, Mr. Poppins, that's the sort of thing you ought to be doin' all the time.

POPPINS:

(SIGHS) Yes. Well, maybe someday when my ship comes in.

GRANDPA:

Lot o' people waitin' for that ship, Mr. Poppins. Meanwhile, they don't have any fun. Look, how would you like to come over to our house for a while and work on your gadgets?

POPPINS:

Over to your house?

GRANDPA:

Now, don't feel bashful about it. Mr. De Pinna -- he's the ice man -- came over nine years ago. Got interested in making fireworks down in the cellar with my son-in-law Paul, and he's been living with us ever since. Over at our place, everybody does exactly what he wants to do.

POPPINS:

Really? That's wonderful, but-- How do you live? Who takes care of you?

GRANDPA:

The same one who takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins. If you like, you can come over and be a lily, too. ... Say, let's hear that bunny again, will ya?

POPPINS:

Well-- (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) All right.

MFX:

TINKLING MUSIC, CONTINUES IN BG

GRANDPA:

It's a wonderful invention, Mr. Poppins. Ought to be fun makin' it, too.

BLAKELY:

(OFF A LITTLE) Poppins! Poppins!

POPPINS:

Oh, goodness, it's Mr. Blakely.

MFX:

STOPS

BLAKELY:

(FADES IN, FURIOUS) What's this?! What's going on here?

POPPINS:

Well, you see, sir-- This gentleman--

GRANDPA:

Mr. Poppins was showing me his invention, that's all.

BLAKELY:

(SUDDEN CHARM) Oh, Mr. Vanderhof. Well, well, well, come in. Come right into my office.

GRANDPA:

No, thank you, Mr. Blakely, I was just going.

BLAKELY:

(TAKEN ABACK) Going? What are you talking about?

GRANDPA:

Say, that's a bad twitch in your eye. You been working too hard. You ought to take a vacation.

BLAKELY:

Mr. Vanderhof, if it's all the same to you, let's quit playing games. I'm a very busy man.

GRANDPA:

Then I don't want to disturb you. Bye, Mr. Blakely!

BLAKELY:

Look, look! I have a check here for a hundred thousand dollars -- made out to you!

GRANDPA:

You don't say? (LOW, POINTED) Look out for that twitch, Mr. Blakely. (MORE CHEERFUL) Coming, Poppins?

POPPINS:

I - I - I'd like to. But I - I don't think--

BLAKELY:

You, you, Poppins! This is all your fault! You and your confounded toys! Get it out of here!

SFX:

TOY SMASHED

POPPINS:

Oh! You broke it. You broke my-- (TO GRANDPA) Wait a minute, Mr. Vanderhof. I - I'll get my hat.

BLAKELY:

If you leave here, Poppins, you needn't come back!

POPPINS:

(STILL TIMID BUT DEFIANT) I don't intend to! Mr. Blakely, the die is cast! From now on, I - I'm - I'm a lily! ...

GRANDPA:

Fine! Get your bunny, Poppins!

MFX:

BRISK BRIDGE

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

GRANDPA:

Go right in, Mr. Poppins.

POPPINS:

Thank you.

RHEBA:

(OFF) Hello, Grandpa, that you?

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

GRANDPA:

Yep. Rheba, you better set another place for dinner. Mr. Poppins here is going to stay with us for a while.

RHEBA:

Now ain't that nice! Howdo, Mr. Poppins?

POPPINS:

How do you do?

ESSIE:

(FADES IN) Rheba, will you taste a Love Dream for me? It's a new candy I'm workin' on -- with cocoanuts.

RHEBA:

Like to, Miss Essie, but I just ate a scallion. It's gonna taste like scallions no matter what.

GRANDPA:

(CHUCKLES)

ESSIE:

Guess I'll have to ask mother, then. Hello, Grandpa.

GRANDPA:

This is my granddaughter, Essie, Mr. Poppins. Makes the best candy in the city.

ESSIE:

(GIGGLES) Hello.

POPPINS:

Hello.

GRANDPA:

Just put your hat over there, Mr. Poppins. (FADES) I'll show you where you can wash up.

ESSIE:

(FADES) Mother! (OFF) Mother!

SOUND:

TYPEWRITER, FADING IN, ONE FINGER METHOD

ESSIE:

(FADES IN) Mother, will you please taste a Love Dream for me?

PENNY:

I don't think I can now, Essie, I'm busy with my play. Do you have to make candy today? It's so hot.

ESSIE:

Well, Ed went out and got a bunch of new orders.

PENNY:

If it keeps on, you'll be opening a store, dear.

ESSIE:

That's what Ed was sayin' last night, but I said no. I want to be a dancer.

RHEBA:

(FADES IN) Miss Essie, that new batch of Love Dreams is about ready.

ESSIE:

Oh, gosh! (FADES) I'd better get back to the kitchen!

RHEBA:

Finish the second act yet, Mrs. Sycamore?

SOUND:

TYPEWRITER STOPS

PENNY:

Oh, no, Rheba. I've got Cynthia just entering a monastery.

RHEBA:

Monastery? She was singin' in the Paradise Club last I heard.

PENNY:

Well, she gets tired of the Paradise Club, and there's this monastery, so she goes there.

RHEBA:

My! I bet she busts it wide open! ...

SOUND:

CELLAR DOOR OPENS, OFF

PAUL:

(OFF) Wait a minute, Mr. De Pinna, I want to show my wife.

PENNY:

Paul, what are you doing down in the cellar?

PAUL:

Look, Penny, the new firecrackers! Mr. De Pinna and I just got through with 'em. We can sell them for ten cents a string -- and they pop like the dickens. Watch!

SFX:

STRING OF SMALL FIRECRACKERS POPS ... OUT AT [X]

PAUL:

Pretty nice, huh?

PENNY:

Yes, dear, they're lovely.

DE PINNA:

(OFF) Oh, Mr. Sycamore!

PAUL:

(CALLS) Yes, Mr. De Pinna? [X]

DE PINNA:

(OFF) On this sky rocket, I think we got the powder chamber too close to the balloon.

PAUL:

(CALLS, FADES) Bring it up here and let me see!

ESSIE:

(FADES IN, EXCITED, LIKE A KID) Mother, Ed's coming home! Ed's coming home! I saw him through the window!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS, OFF

ED:

(OFF) Hey, Essie!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF

ESSIE:

(CALLS) Here I am, Ed!

ED:

(FADES IN) Well, I delivered the candy. How's my beautiful wife?

ESSIE:

Oh, just fine, dear.

ED:

I couldn't wait to get home and get at the xylophone. Say, wait'll you hear this tune. It's been ringin' in my ears all day. Listen.

MFX:

XYLOPHONE ... CHOPIN

ESSIE:

Oh, I like that, Ed. Is it yours?

ED:

No. Chopin.

ESSIE:

Got a lot of you in it. (FADES) It makes me feel like practicing my dancing. (HUMS, OFF)

MFX:

XYLOPHONE FADES TO BACKGROUND

GRANDPA:

(FADES IN) Come on, Mr. Poppins. Come on in and meet the rest of the family. Folks, this is Mr. Poppins. You know Essie. The fellow playing the xylophone is Ed, he's her husband. This is my son-in-law, Paul Sycamore.

PAUL:

Hello, Mr. Poppins.

POPPINS:

How do you do?

GRANDPA:

And Mr. De Pinna, he's the ice man.

DE PINNA:

Very pleased to know you.

POPPINS:

How do you do?

GRANDPA:

And over here is my daughter, Penny.

POPPINS:

How do you do?

MFX:

XYLOPHONE COMES TO FINISH

PENNY:

Hello. Were you ever in a monastery, Mr. Poppins?

POPPINS:

No, I never have been.

GRANDPA:

What's the matter, Penny? Stuck?

PENNY:

Well, I've got her in a monastery and I can't get her out.

GRANDPA:

Say, where's Alice? Isn't she coming home for dinner?

PENNY:

She didn't say. I think she ought to stop working in that millinery shop. They make her stay so late.

GRANDPA:

Why, Penny. She hasn't worked there for five months.

PENNY:

Really?

GRANDPA:

She works for some bankers now. Kirby and Son. She works for the son.

PENNY:

Bankers! Now, isn't that nice. (CALLS) Rheba! Rheba!

RHEBA:

(FADES IN) Yes, Mrs. Sycamore?

PENNY:

Rheba, will you please call up Alice at her office and ask her if she's coming home to dinner?

GRANDPA:

That's at Kirby and Son, Rheba.

SFX:

PHONE DIALED

RHEBA:

Yeah, I know.

PENNY:

Yes, she works for the son. (FADES) Now where was I in my play? (STUDIO FADE OUT)

SFX:

FADE IN TELEPHONE RINGING ... CONTINUES IN BG

ALICE:

(IN AN EMBRACE WITH THE BOYFRIEND) Tony ... Tony, dear?

TONY:

Yes, Alice?

ALICE:

Tony, stop me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the telephone ringing?

TONY:

Say, that's strange. Now, I thought I heard something. Voices in my ear. Voices that say, "If you don't kiss Alice Sycamore right away, you're a chump!"

ALICE:

(LAUGHING) Tony, please! This is a business office!

SFX:

RINGING OUT, RECEIVER UP

ALICE:

Hello, Mr. Anthony Kirby Junior's office. ... Oh, hello, Rheba. ... Wait. (TO TONY) Mother wants to know if I'll be home for dinner.

TONY:

Oh, definitely not.

ALICE:

(INTO PHONE) The man says no, Rheba.

TONY:

(MOVES IN CLOSE, WHISPERS) Darling! Darling!

ALICE:

(LAUGHS) Tony, stop that. (INTO PHONE) Rheba, tell Grandpa I love him as much as ever, but a young vice-president has me in his power!

TONY:

(LAUGHS)

ALICE:

Tony, don't!

TONY:

Well, I was only kissing the back of the neck.

ALICE:

(LAUGHS, INTO PHONE) Yes, Rheba, of course, I'm struggling! (LAUGHS) Tony, don't!

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

MRS. KIRBY:

(FADING IN ... COOL) Tony.

ALICE:

(STOPS LAUGHING, INHALES SHARPLY)

MRS. KIRBY:

(VERY COOL) Good evening, dear.

ALICE:

(EMBARRASSED WHISPER) Oh!

TONY:

(EMBARRASSED) Mother. (FEEBLY) Oh, uh, hello - Mother. Won't you sort of sit down or something?

MRS. KIRBY:

No, I - I see you're busy. (EXTREMELY COOL) If you don't mind, I think I'll go and see your father. (FADES) Excuse me, dear.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

ALICE:

(INTO PHONE) Goodbye, Rheba. I've got to hang up now. The ceiling just fell in.

SFX:

RECEIVER DOWN

ALICE:

Tony, would you mind handing me the want ad section of that paper?

TONY:

(CHUCKLES, LIGHTLY) Oh, I'm sorry, Alice. I had no idea my mother was gonna pop in like that.

ALICE:

No, I guess you didn't. Well, I'd better go home.

TONY:

Now, wait a minute. I want to tell you something. Last night I informed that irate lady that was just in here that - that I was gonna marry you.

ALICE:

(PLEASED) Tony! I don't remember your telling it to me.

TONY:

Well, you didn't ask me.

ALICE:

Did you see the way she looked at me? I know just what she was thinking.

TONY:

Oh, listen, there seems to be a general impression around here that the Kirbys are ogres or something. Well, that has nothing to do with me. They're just putty in my hands. Never wanted a thing I couldn't get if I yelled long enough. Worked like a charm when I was a baby. Here! I'll give you an idea! (SCREAMS LIKE A BANSHEE)

ALICE:

Tony! (HALF LAUGHING AND CRYING) Oh, you crazy--!

TONY:

Sure. And there's one little detail I forgot to mention. (GENUINE) I love you, Alice. I love you very much.

ALICE:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, Tony ... Tony ...

MFX:

ROMANTIC BRIDGE ... CHANGES TO TINKLING MUSIC BOX ... OUT AT [X]

POPPINS:

(OVER MUSIC) There you are. Do you like it, Mr. Sycamore?

PAUL:

Why, I think it's marvelous! Did you make that just the two days you've been here?

POPPINS:

Well, I - I had the parts, you see. But this is a wonderful place to work. [X]

DE PINNA:

(FADES IN) Say, Mr. Sycamore.

PAUL:

Yes?

DE PINNA:

This new fireworks display's gonna be the best we've ever made.

PAUL:

I guess it is, Mr. De Pinna.

DE PINNA:

Did you think a name up for it yet?

PAUL:

No. What we need is something new and big with plenty of flash. You any ideas, Mr. Poppins?

POPPINS:

Er, let me see. Er, I know! The Russian Revolution! Plenty of fireworks there!

PAUL:

Why, that's brilliant, Mr. Poppins. (CALLS) What do you think of it, Ed? The Russian Revolution!

ED:

(FADES IN) I think it's swell. Say, you've got swell ideas, Mr. Poppins. Say, maybe you've got something you'd like me to set up on my printin' press.

POPPINS:

Why don't you print something about the fireworks? Advertising them? Then, put it in the candy boxes, and the people who buy the candy will also buy the fireworks!

ED:

Say, that's great! Listen, how does this sound? "Watch for the Revolution! It's Comin' Soon!"

POPPINS:

Fine!

DE PINNA:

We got a lot of these Red Flag firecrackers left. You could write about them, too!

ED:

Sure! "Red Flags will sweep the country! Get your Red Flags from Sycamore!"

PAUL:

Well, that's fine! Fine!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, QUICKLY

ALICE:

(OFF A LITTLE) Hello, everybody!

SFX:

DINNER BELL RINGING

BIZ:

DE PINNA, PAUL AND POPPINS AD LIB HELLOS

ALICE:

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!

RHEBA:

Don't ring that dinner bell yet, Miss Alice! It ain't even half ready!

ALICE:

Gather 'round everybody! It's the Town Crier herself! And I've got an announcement to make!

PENNY:

(FADES IN) Alice! Alice, dear, what's the matter?

ALICE:

Oh, it's wonderful, Mother! Listen! A young gentleman is going to call on me in exactly twenty minutes!

ESSIE:

Who, Alice? What's his name?

ALICE:

Mr. Anthony Kirby, Junior.

ESSIE:

Kirby! Why, that's the boss's son!

PENNY:

Oh, yes! Kirby and Son.

GRANDPA:

(FADES IN) Here, here, what's all the excitement?

ALICE:

Grandpa, I've had a proposal from Tony Kirby -- and he's coming to call tonight.

PENNY:

A proposal! Well, why didn't you say?

ALICE:

And, Mother, please, I want him to take us in easy doses, so please don't read him any plays on his first visit 'cause I like him. And - and, Essie, I wouldn't dance for him if I were you, because we're going to the Monte Carlo ballet later. (FADES) Well, now I've got to dress. Bye!

BIZ:

ALL AD LIB EXCITEDLY ("I hope he's all right," et cetera) ... STUDIO FADE

SFX:

FADE IN KNOCKING ON DOOR

ALICE:

(MUFFLED) Come in.

SFX:

ROOM DOOR OPENS

GRANDPA:

Hello.

ALICE:

Hello, Grandpa. Sit down.

GRANDPA:

Thanks. Well, Alice. Do you love him?

ALICE:

Love him? Oh, I-- Oh, I--

GRANDPA:

(CHUCKLES) Can't even talk about him, hm?

ALICE:

Not rationally.

GRANDPA:

Who's askin' you to be rational? Listen, when I courted your grandmother, it took me two years to propose. Know why? The moment she'd walk into the room, my knees'd buckle, and the blood would rush to my head, and the walls would start dancing. Up to the last, I couldn't even look at her without my heart didn't go thump, thump, thump.

ALICE:

(LAUGHS GENTLY)

GRANDPA:

That's why I've lived in this house so many years -- and never could move out. It'd be like - like moving away from Grandma.

ALICE:

(TOUCHED) Oh, Grandpa. I've got it that way, too.

GRANDPA:

If you have, then I guess it's all right.

ALICE:

Look. I - I bought you something. Here. Do you like it?

GRANDPA:

Well, bless my soul. A new harmonica! Sure is a beauty, too. I guess I'll run along downstairs and have a whack at it.

MFX:

STARTS TO PLAY HARMONICA ("OH, SUSANNA"), FADES

SFX:

DOOR BELL RINGS, OFF

MFX:

XYLOPHONE STARTS, OFF

ALICE:

(CALLS) There's the bell! He's here now! (FADES) Tell him I'll be right there, Grandpa!

SFX:

FADE DOOR BELL IN

MFX:

XYLOPHONE FADES IN WITH BELL, BUT KEEP OFF

ESSIE:

(OFF) That's wonderful, Ed!

PENNY:

(FADES IN) Ed, Ed, stop playing! I think I heard the bell!

MFX:

XYLOPHONE STOPS

PENNY:

And remember, everybody, be very nice! It's Alice's young man!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

PENNY:

Hello, I'm Alice's mother. Come right in.

HENDERSON:

I'm afraid there's been a mistake. My name is Henderson.

PENNY:

Henderson? But I thought it was Kirby.

HENDERSON:

Wilbur G. Henderson, Internal Revenue Department. I'm looking for Martin Vanderhof.

GRANDPA:

(OFF) Right, here. Come on in.

HENDERSON:

Thank you.

GRANDPA:

(FADES IN) Sit down, sir.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF

HENDERSON:

Thanks. Mr. Vanderhof, the Government wants to talk to you about a little matter of income tax.

GRANDPA:

Income tax?

HENDERSON:

Now, Mr. Vanderhof, we've written you several letters about this, and no reply. And according to our records--

SFX:

DOOR BELL RINGS

PENNY:

Oh! That's Mr. Kirby now. I'll answer it! (FADES) Excuse me!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPEN

HENDERSON:

Uh--

PENNY:

(OFF) Come right in, Mr. Kirby.

TONY:

(OFF) Thanks.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

GRANDPA:

Hello, son! Glad to see ya.

TONY:

Thank you, sir.

ALICE:

(FAR OFF) Mother?! Is that Mr. Kirby?

PENNY:

(CALLS) Yes, dear! He's lovely! ...

GRANDPA:

Sit down, son, sit down. Make yourself at home.

TONY:

Oh, thank you very much.

HENDERSON:

(ANNOYED) Mr. Vanderhof, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to be going.

GRANDPA:

Oh, I'm sorry. Drop in again sometime for dinner. ...

HENDERSON:

If you don't mind, I'd like to get my business over before I go.

GRANDPA:

Oh?

HENDERSON:

Mr. Vanderhof, our records show that you have never paid an income tax.

GRANDPA:

That's right.

HENDERSON:

Why not?

GRANDPA:

I don't believe in it. ...

HENDERSON:

(AGHAST) You don't believe in it!

GRANDPA:

No, sir.

HENDERSON:

Well, whether you believe in it or not, you owe the Government twenty-two years' back income taxes!

GRANDPA:

Yes? Now, look, Mr. Henderson. Suppose I pay ya the money. Mind ya, I don't say I'm going to, but just for the sake of argument. What do I get for my money?

HENDERSON:

Get? Why - why, you get everything!

GRANDPA:

What?

HENDERSON:

Well-- Well, everything! Look at Congress and the House and the Senate. We've got to pay them, don't we?

GRANDPA:

Not with my money. No, sir. ...

HENDERSON:

Now, listen--!

ALICE:

(FADES IN) Well, here I am. Hello, Tony.

TONY:

Hello, Alice.

ALICE:

I hope you all got acquainted.

PENNY:

Oh, yes. I think you two will make such a lovely couple!

ALICE:

(GENTLY ADMONISHES) Mother.

HENDERSON:

(INCREASINGLY UNHINGED) Look, Mr. Vanderhof, there's no two ways about it. You've got to pay your taxes.

GRANDPA:

How's that?

HENDERSON:

I said you've got to pay it!

GRANDPA:

Well, they've got to show me.

HENDERSON:

They don't have to show you! I just told you! (TRIES TO BE REASONABLE) Look. Who's going to pay for all those buildings down in Washington? And Interstate Commerce? And the Constitution?

GRANDPA:

The Constitution was paid for long ago. And Interstate Commerce-- What is Interstate Commerce anyway?

HENDERSON:

(MURDEROUS CALM) Oh, look. There are forty-eight states, see? And if it weren't for Interstate Commerce, nothing could get from one state to another, see?

GRANDPA:

Why not? Have they got fences? ...

HENDERSON:

(EXPLODES) No, they haven't got fences! They've got laws! (BESIDE HIMSELF) Oh, holy smoke, I never ran across anything like this before!

GRANDPA:

(GRUDGING) Well, I might pay you about (BLOWS THROUGH HIS LIPS) seventy-five dollars, but that's all it's worth.

HENDERSON:

You'll pay every cent of it, like everybody else. And if you think you're bigger than the law, you've got another thing coming!

SFX:

LOUD FIRECRACKER EXPLOSIONS FROM BELOW ... OUT AT [X]

HENDERSON:

(SHRIEKS, UNNERVED) Holy smokes! What's that?! What's that?! (FADES) Let me out of this place! Lemme out here! Lemme out here! [X]

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, QUICKLY

ALICE:

(NERVOUS) You see, Tony, my father makes fireworks in the cellar.

TONY:

(GOOD NATURED) Oh. Well, I hope you don't get into any trouble, Mr. Vanderhof.

GRANDPA:

Not me. I don't owe the government a cent.

PENNY:

Alice dear, here's your wrap.

ALICE:

(TRYING TO RUSH) Thanks, Mother. All ready, Tony? We'll be late.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN

KOLENKHOV:

(RUSSIAN ACCENT, GRAND ENTRANCE) Hello, everybody!

ESSIE:

(OFF A LITTLE) Mr. Kolenkhov!

ALICE:

(MAKING THE BEST OF IT) Oh, Tony, you're just in time to meet Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Essie's dancing teacher.

KOLENKHOV:

Ah, my little Alice! My little Alishka! Never have I seen you look so magnificent!

ALICE:

(INTRODUCTION) Mr. Kirby, Mr. Kolenkhov.

TONY:

(AMUSED) How do you do?

KOLENKHOV:

I have a slight pain in the chest.

ESSIE:

Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov, I practiced today!

KOLENKHOV:

Ah! My Pavlowa! Uh, Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no?

GRANDPA:

Of course you are.

ALICE:

If you'll pardon us, Mr. Kolenkhov. We're going out - to the Monte Carlo Ballet.

KOLENKHOV:

Monte Carlo Ballet? It stinks!

ALICE:

(AWKWARD) Yes. Well. (FADES) Goodbye, everybody!

TONY:

(FADES, SINCERELY) Glad to have met you all. Goodbye!

SFX:

DINNER BELL RINGS, OFF

RHEBA:

(CALLS) Dinner's ready!

ED:

Come on, everybody!

SFX:

CHAIRS BEING MOVED, ET CETERA

BIZ:

ALL AD LIB EXCITEDLY. WE HEAR THE FOLLOWING...

KOLENKHOV:

(OVERLAPS) Well, let me get my place right here, if you don't mind.

ESSIE:

(OVERLAPS) Can you imagine Alice marrying a Kirby?!

PENNY:

(OVERLAPS) We can put the altar right in that corner!

SFX:

TAPPING ON PLATE

GRANDPA:

Quiet, everybody! Quiet!

BIZ:

EVERYONE QUIETS

PENNY:

Did you notice his manners, Paul?

PAUL:

(GENTLY) Quiet, Penny. Grandpa's going to say grace.

MFX:

TO SAY GRACE BY ... CONTINUES IN BG

GRANDPA:

Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now and we're certainly much obliged. Looks like Alice is going to get married -- and I think she'll be happy, 'cause we just met the boy You sent to her - and he looks fine. Remember, all we ask is to just go along the way we are and keep our health - and, as far as anything else is concerned, we leave it up to You. Thank You.

BIZ:

ALL AD LIB

KOLENKHOV:

(OVERLAPS) Now, who has the pickles? Pickles, Mr. Poppins?

MFX:

COVERS AD LIBS ... BUILDS TO A WARM FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

The curtain falls on Act One of "You Can't Take It with You" and the course of romance promises to be rather stormy in the Vanderhof household. During the brief intermission, before we go on with the Second Act, a member of our official family, Mr. Ruick, has an interesting interlude for you.

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, I should like to tell you about a conversation that some of us had last night. We were sitting around a table at the Brown Derby, when someone brought up the subject of how men differ from women in their attitude towards the simple things of life. For instance, men don't like plays that are sad as much as women do.

SALLY:

And men sing in the bath, Mr. Ruick.

MARY:

That's right, Mr. Ruick, and we've made up a little song about that which we think is cute. Want to hear it?

ANNOUNCER:

We certainly do. Go ahead.

TRIO:

(SINGS ... ORIGINAL MUSIC ... PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)
Here's what we've heard nearly everyone say.
Women are different from men!
Ladies, when bathing, are not half so gay!
While men sing or whistle and then sing again ...

If they're Irish, the tune goes like this -
(HUM A BAR OF "I'M OFF TO PHILADELPHIA IN THE MORNING")

If they're Scotch, here is one they won't miss -
(HUM "THE CAMPBELLS ARE COMING")

Maybe they'll whistle and you will hear -
(WHISTLE "BOO-LA BOO-LA")

For men are always full of good cheer--!

ANNOUNCER:

(INTERRUPTS) That's enough, girls, that's enough. You've proved your point. Men do sing in the bath tub or shower. And it's up to the wise wife to see that this happy mood isn't broken. Don't, please, give them a soap that's sort of stingy in its lather. Don't give them soaps that sting and smart. In short, do give them Lux Toilet Soap. Its rich, active lather works up fast and cleanses thoroughly and quickly. Yet it's gentle and mild. It makes a bath a pleasure and, best of all, it leaves a man sure of fastidious grooming.

IRENE:

Mr. Ruick? We have a two-line encore to our song.

ANNOUNCER:

Fine. Let's hear it.

TRIO:

(SINGS ... ORIGINAL MUSIC ... PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)
Here is how you can keep husbands always gay!
Let them take baths the Lux Soap way!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Lux Toilet Soap is a bath soap men like. (PAUSE) Here's our producer, Mr. DeMille.

DEMILLE:

Act Two of "You Can't Take It with You," starring Walter Connolly as Grandpa Vanderhof, Edward Arnold as Mr. Kirby, Robert Cummings as Tony, and Fay Wray as Alice. With Neda Harrigan as Mrs. Kirby and Lee Patrick as Penny.

MFX:

BRIEF INTRO, THEN IN BG ... GENTLY OUT AT [X]

DEMILLE:

It's later the same evening. On every side of the City Park, skyscrapers send up a million lights to challenge the stars. But Alice and Tony, who found a secluded bench beneath the trees, are not concerned with the miracles of man or nature. Just now, they have eyes only for each other. [X]

ALICE:

(SOBERLY) What are you thinking, Tony?

TONY:

Thinking how much better this is than going to the ballet.

ALICE:

Well, what are you really thinking -- about my family? It's not a family you can just ignore.

TONY:

(CHUCKLES) No, it isn't. You know, I think they're great. They seem to do just what they want to do.

ALICE:

Yes. Grandpa started it thirty-five years ago. He suddenly quit business one day. Started up the elevator, came right down again and never went back. He said he wasn't having any fun.

TONY:

Well, that's exactly what I mean.

ALICE:

And Mother. You know why Mother writes plays? Because two years ago a typewriter was delivered to the house by mistake!

TONY:

(LAUGHS) Well, now I know why you're so different! Y'know, I think that your family is the answer to what's wrong with the world. People spend their lives building castles in the air -- and yet they never try to make 'em realities. You know, in school, another fellow and I had an idea-- Oh, uh, do you mind if I sort of talk about myself?

ALICE:

I'd love it.

TONY:

Well, this fellow and I had an idea how to utilize the energy in grass. Y'know, grass -- just like this. Did you know that every blade of grass has an energetic force that has never been used for anything?

ALICE:

No.

TONY:

Oh, yes. Well, we worked on it all the time. Every spare moment. All night sometimes. We'd get so excited, we'd forget to sleep. And -- well -- then we left school. He's selling automobiles and I'm in some mysterious thing called Banking.

ALICE:

Tony, why don't you--?

TONY:

No, don't - don't say it. Don't say it. I know what you're thinking. But "the Kirbys come from a long line of bankers -- and the line simply must not be broken." Gosh, that's been pounded into my head until it's given me softening of the brain!

ALICE:

Oh, that's silly, Tony. You're still young and there's plenty of time to decide about those things. Besides, I resent what you said about your brain. I think it's beautiful.

TONY:

Do ya?

ALICE:

Mm hm.

TONY:

Gee, that's wonderful. Now tell me, uh, when do we get married?

ALICE:

We don't.

TONY:

Oh, darling, I-- (THEN) What'd you say?

ALICE:

I said, we don't. Not for a while.

TONY:

Well, why?

ALICE:

Because I've been thinking. We could save ourselves a lot of embarrassment later on if - if our two families could meet first.

TONY:

Oh, so that's what's on your mind, huh?

ALICE:

Mm hm. I want you to bring your folks for dinner Wednesday, Tony.

TONY:

Now, wait! I'm not gonna put you on exhibition like a freak in a circus!

ALICE:

I don't mind.

TONY:

Well, I do.

ALICE:

Well, it's worth it if we get their approval. Oh, be sensible, Tony. They've centered their whole lives around you, made all sorts of plans. Suddenly I come along and everything's upset. Tony, there's no two ways about it. Your family has to meet mine!

TONY:

All right. Wednesday for dinner. It's a date.

ALICE:

(EXHALES WITH RELIEF)

MFX:

HOPEFUL BRIDGE

SFX:

ROOM DOOR OPENS

MRS. KIRBY:

(FADES IN, IMPATIENT) Anthony! Aren't you dressed yet?

KIRBY:

(GRUMPY) No, I'm not!

MRS. KIRBY:

Well, hurry, dear. Tony said eight o'clock.

KIRBY:

Look here, Miriam, are you serious about taking me on this slumming tour?

MRS. KIRBY:

The more we fight Tony, the more he'll resist. It's the only thing to do.

KIRBY:

Yes, but the dinner in some awful--

MRS. KIRBY:

That's just it. She's probably from some dull middle class family. Soon as Tony sees us all together, he'll realize how impossible the situation is.

KIRBY:

Yeah. That, I take it, is what is known as being subtle, hm?

MRS. KIRBY:

Yes.

KIRBY:

Oh, Heaven only knows what they'll have to eat. You know how sensitive my stomach is, Miriam!

MRS. KIRBY:

They're sure to have some vegetables, Anthony.

KIRBY:

Probably cooked. You know mine have got to be raw.

MRS. KIRBY:

Anthony, please hurry! (FADES) They're expecting us at eight o'clock, and--

KIRBY:

(FADES) All right, all right, give me a chance.

BIZ:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

MFX:

FADE IN HARMONICA PLAYING ... "OH, SUSANNA"

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF

ED:

(FADES IN) Hey, Rheba? Rheba?

RHEBA:

Yeah, Mr. Ed?

ED:

Rheba, take a look out the window and see if there's a man standin' in front of the house.

MFX:

HARMONICA STOPS

GRANDPA:

What you so excited about, Ed?

ED:

There's a man been followin' me, Grandpa, the last few nights when I been out deliverin' candy.

GRANDPA:

Maybe he wants a piece.

ED:

Huh? ...

RHEBA:

(OFF) I don't see nobody, Mr. Ed.

ALICE:

(FADES IN FAST, HAPPY) Wheeee!

SFX:

THUD! ... AS ALICE HITS THE FLOOR

GRANDPA:

(CALMLY) Someday, Alice, you're going to break your neck sliding down that bannister.

ALICE:

Someday, I'm going to do it without holding. Essie, dear, you're going to give Rheba the kitchen all day tomorrow, aren't you? She'll need it.

ESSIE:

Oh, yes. That's why I'm making the Love Dreams now, so I'll be way ahead.

ALICE:

Thank you, darling. And look, Mother, tomorrow night before the Kirbys come, will you have Rheba put everything down in the cellar -- the typewriter, the kittens and the xylophone?

PENNY:

Certainly, dear. Rheba, remind me.

GRANDPA:

The Kirbys are certainly going to get the wrong impression of this house tomorrow night.

ALICE:

(FADES, LAUGHING) Well, I'll be upstairs if anybody wants me.

DE PINNA:

(FADES IN) Oh, Mrs. Sycamore.

PENNY:

Yes, Mr. De Pinna?

DE PINNA:

Look what I found in the cellar! Remember? Over eight years ago.

PENNY:

Why, of course, Mr. De Pinna. It's my painting of you as a discus thrower. Oh, I always meant to finish it, but I got started on my plays and never painted again.

GRANDPA:

Ah, it's just as well. I'd have been the next one to strip. ...

PENNY:

You know what? I think I'll finish it tonight. Is the costume still down in the cellar, Mr. De Pinna?

DE PINNA:

Sure. We used the bath towel.

PENNY:

You go get it, Mr. De Pinna, and (FADING) I'll go upstairs and get my palette and brushes!

DE PINNA:

(FADES, PLEASED) Oh, boy!

SFX:

DOOR BELL RINGS

GRANDPA:

(CALLS) Door, Rheba!

RHEBA:

(OFF) I'll answer it, Grandpa.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS, OFF

RHEBA:

(OFF) Hello, Mr. Ka-link-o!

KOLENKHOV:

(FADES IN) Rhebishka! Well, Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no?

SFX:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF

GRANDPA:

Yes, sir, Mr. Kolenkhov, right on time.

KOLENKHOV:

That is why I like to-- (WITHERINGLY) What is that thing?

GRANDPA:

That? It's a picture of Mr. De Pinna. Penny painted it.

KOLENKHOV:

It stinks! ...

GRANDPA:

Let's see. (PAUSE) Er-- Yep. I guess it does. ...

ESSIE:

(FADES IN AND OUT) Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov! I'll get my dancing clothes and be right down.

KOLENKHOV:

Oh, my Pavlowa! (CALLS AFTER HER) You are like a beautiful swan!

GRANDPA:

Essie making any progress in her dancing, Mr. Kolenkhov?

KOLENKHOV:

(LOW) Well, er-- Confidentially, she stinks. ...

GRANDPA:

(PAUSE, PHILOSOPHICAL) Well, as long as she's having fun.

PENNY:

(FADES IN) Oh, hello, Mr. Kolenkhov. Oh, dear, it seems so nice to get into my art things again.

KOLENKHOV:

Ah, Mrs. Sycamore, you are like a breath of Paris.

PENNY:

Oh, thank you. It's the tam-o-shanter does it, don't you think?

DE PINNA:

(FADES IN) I'm ready, Mrs. Sycamore. Where're you gonna work?

PENNY:

Right here, Mr. De Pinna.

DE PINNA:

The toga looks pretty good, huh?

PENNY:

Well, all right now. Pose, Mr. De Pinna.

ESSIE:

(FADES IN) All ready, Mr. Kolenkhov! (GIGGLES, PROUDLY) My new ballet dress!

KOLENKHOV:

Good, Essie, good! And now, Ed, music, please. For tonight's lesson we use "The Dance of the Hours."

ED:

(OFF) O-kay!

MFX:

XYLOPHONE ... "THE DANCE OF THE HOURS" ... CONTINUES IN BG

KOLENKHOV:

Now ready! We begin! One, two, three, four! Pir-ou-ette! Pir-ou-ette! (REPEATS, IN BG)

SFX:

DOOR BELL

RHEBA:

(OFF) I'll get it!

PENNY:

Would you pull your stomach in a little, Mr. De Pinna?

SFX:

DOOR OPEN, OFF

KOLENKHOV:

One, two, three, four! A little freer! A little freer with the hands! The music must be freer, too. (CONTINUES COUNTING IN BG)

MFX:

XYLOPHONE GETS A LITTLE FREER

RHEBA:

(FADES IN, FRANTICALLY) Mrs. Sycamore! Mrs. Sycamore!

PENNY:

Go away, Rheba, not now! Your stomach in a little more, Mr. De Pinna.

RHEBA:

Mrs. Sycamore! It's the Kirbys! They're here!

PENNY:

(AGHAST) Oh! Oh, my!

KOLENKHOV:

(STOPS COUNTING)

MFX:

XYLOPHONE STOPS SUDDENLY

TONY:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, everybody!

GRANDPA:

Well! Good evening, Tony. Good evening. You're Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, aren't you?

KIRBY:

How do you do?

MRS. KIRBY:

Are we too early?

GRANDPA:

No, no, no. Sit right down and make yourself at home. It's perfectly all right.

PENNY:

Why, yes! Only we thought it was tomorrow night.

KIRBY:

Tomorrow night? (ADMONISHES) Tony!

TONY:

(FEIGNED INNOCENCE) Well, that's funny. I - I - I thought--

KIRBY:

Really, this is most embarrassing.

GRANDPA:

Not at all, not at all. We weren't doing a thing.

PENNY:

Of course. We were just having a quiet evening at home.

GRANDPA:

Now, don't let that bother you. This is Alice's mother, Alice's sister, Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Carmichael and Mr. Kolenkhov.

BIZ:

ALL AD LIB ("How do you do?" "Hello.")

GRANDPA:

And oh, yes, the - the discus thrower is Mr. De Pinna.

MRS. KIRBY:

How do you do?

DE PINNA:

Don't mind my costume. I'll take it right off. ...

PENNY:

I'll call Alice. (CALLS) Alice! Alice, dear!

ALICE:

(OFF) What is it, Mother?!

PENNY:

(CALLS) Will you come down, dear? We have a surprise for you.

ALICE:

(OFF) Be right there!

PENNY:

(AWKWARD, TO THE KIRBYS) Well....

KIRBY:

I feel very uncomfortable about this. It's very careless of you, Tony. Very!

GRANDPA:

Penny, how about some dinner for these folks?

MRS. KIRBY:

Oh, please don't bother.

PENNY:

Oh, no bother at all. Ed, call up Murphy's and get a half a dozen bottles of beer and some canned salmon. Do you like canned salmon, Mr. Kirby?

KIRBY:

Please don't trouble. I'm not very hungry.

PENNY:

We're having frankfurters, but I don't think we'll have enough now that you've come. Make it frankfurters, Ed, and see if Rheba has enough.

KIRBY:

(GROANS)

ED:

(FADES) Okay! (OFF, YELLS) Hey, Rheba!

ALICE:

(FADES IN, SHOUTING) Wheeeeeeeee!

SFX:

THUD! ... AS ALICE HITS THE FLOOR

ALICE:

(TRIUMPHANT) I can do it without holding!

TONY:

Hello, Alice!

ALICE:

(AGHAST) Oh! Oh, dear!

PENNY:

What do you think, Alice? They thought it was tonight.

ALICE:

Oh, but, Tony, I-- I thought-- Oh, I'm so sorry! You see I was planning such a nice party tomorrow night!

KIRBY:

Well, perhaps we could come tomorrow night.

ALICE:

Oh, no, no, no, we'd better see about getting you some dinner.

PENNY:

Oh, that's all done, Alice, I sent out.

ALICE:

What did you send out for?

MRS. KIRBY:

Mr. Kirby should have told you he suffers from indigestion.

KIRBY:

Now, now, Miriam, it isn't as serious as all that.

KOLENKHOV:

Well, perhaps it is not indigestion at all, Mr. Kirby. Perhaps it is stomach ulcers.

KIRBY:

Stomach--?! (GROANS) Ohhhhhhhhh.

GRANDPA:

Sit down, sit down, Mr. Kirby. Tell me, how do you find business conditions?

KIRBY:

Well, that depends on what side of the fence you're on. I feel that--

PENNY:

Oh, isn't this nice! A real chat! Have you any hobbies, Mr. Kirby?

KIRBY:

Business is my hobby, Mrs. Sycamore.

ALICE:

Tony told me you once raised orchids.

KIRBY:

That was a long time ago.

PENNY:

Grandpa plays the harmonica.

KIRBY:

Oh, really?

GRANDPA:

Yes. Ever played one, Mr. Kirby?

KIRBY:

Well. Well--

MRS. KIRBY:

(INTERRUPTS) When Mr. Kirby was a boy, the harmonica was associated with street corner loafers.

TONY:

Oh, were they, Mother?

MRS. KIRBY:

Of course!

TONY:

(AMUSED) Well, then, Dad's been holding out on you. He used to be a champ. He told me so himself.

ED:

(FADES IN) Here's the grub. Only they didn't have any more frankfurters so I got pickled pigs' feet.

KIRBY:

(GROANS) Ohhhhhhh. ...

ALICE:

Never mind, Ed. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Just bring everything in the kitchen. (FADES) I'll fix some scrambled eggs for Mr. Kirby.

TONY:

Oh, Alice, wait a minute! I'll help.

SFX:

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

ALICE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Well, Tony -- that's that, I guess. A fine impression we're making. How could you make such a dreadful mistake? You knew it was tomorrow night.

TONY:

Sure I did.

ALICE:

Tony! You mean you brought them tonight purposely? Why?

TONY:

Well, I wanted their approval of you, just as you are -- not a trumped up evening with everybody acting unnatural.

ALICE:

Oh, but I wanted them to like us. Oh, you've spoiled it! I planned such a nice evening!

TONY:

(CYNICALLY) Oh, a fine pair to plan things for. They're out there acting like a couple of people on a slumming tour!

ALICE:

Rheba, fix some scrambled eggs, please. Come on, we'd better get back.

SFX:

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS

KOLENKHOV:

(FADES IN) Now, the perfect hobby should improve the body as well as the mind! The Romans were a great people. Why? What was their hobby? Wrestling! In wrestling, you have to think quick with the mind and the body!

KIRBY:

That's quite true. When I was young, I was quite good at it, but unfortunately as the years go on--

KOLENKHOV:

(SCOFFS) Ahhhh, foolish! Once a wrestler, you never forget. I have not wrestled in six years and I forget nothing. Look! Mr. Kirby, stand up.

KIRBY:

Now, wait a minute--

PENNY:

Mr. Kolenkhov, leave Mr. Kirby alone!

KOLENKHOV:

Now, you hold me so! And I hold you -- so!

KIRBY:

Now, listen! I don't want to wrestle.

KOLENKHOV:

Now, what do I do?! (WITH SUDDEN EFFORT) I do this!

SFX:

THUD! ... AS KIRBY HITS THE FLOOR

PENNY:

Mr. Kolenkhov!

KIRBY:

(MOANS IN PAIN) Ohhhhhhhhhh...

PENNY:

Now, look what you've done to Mr. Kirby. Oh, let me help you up, Mr. Kirby.

KIRBY:

My glasses. Where are my glasses?

PENNY:

Oh, here, they are, Mr. Kirby. They're broken.

KOLENKHOV:

Well, I am sorry. But when you wrestle again, Mr. Kirby, you will, of course, not wear glasses.

MRS. KIRBY:

(COOL) If you don't mind, perhaps we'd better be going.

PENNY:

Oh, now, Mrs. Kirby, don't be silly. No use rushing off like this.

TONY:

I want to stay here and talk to you, Alice.

ALICE:

I'd rather you didn't. (DISHEARTENED) There's - nothing to talk about.

MRS. KIRBY:

(STIFFLY) Good night.

KIRBY:

Well, it's been very nice to have met all of you--

SFX:

FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN

1ST G MAN:

(FADES IN) Stay right where you are! Everybody!

PENNY:

Oh, good heavens!

GRANDPA:

What's all this? Who are you?

1ST G MAN:

Which one was it, Joe?

2ND G MAN:

This guy here!

1ST G MAN:

Grab him!

ED:

Say, what is this? What is this? What do you mean?

KIRBY:

See here, we don't belong in this house. We're only visiting here--

1ST G MAN:

Keep your mouth shut! You -- what' s your name?

ED:

My name is Edward Carmichael. Say, I haven't done anything!

GRANDPA:

Say, what's all this about?

1ST G MAN:

Police Department.

ESSIE:

Ed! What have you done?!

ED:

Nothing, Essie. I told you somebody was following me!

1ST G MAN:

Shut up! Does this door lead to the cellar?

PENNY:

Yes, it does.

1ST G MAN:

Go down there, Joe, and look around.

2ND G MAN:

(FADES) Okay, Chief!

SFX:

QUICK FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... CELLAR DOOR OPENS, OFF

1ST G MAN:

Now, nobody move! Come here, Carmichael. Ever see these papers before?

ED:

Huh? Why, sure, sure! They're my circulars.

1ST G MAN:

You print this stuff?

ED:

Yes, sir.

1ST G MAN:

And you put 'em into candy boxes and get them into people's homes?

ED:

Aw, but I didn't mean anything!

1ST G MAN:

Oh, you didn't, eh? Well, listen! (READS) "Watch for the Revolution! The Red Flag Will Sweep the Country!"

KIRBY:

Radicals! They're radicals!

ED:

But I didn't mean--!

1ST G MAN:

Shut up!

2ND G MAN:

(OFF) Hey, Chief! Chief!

1ST G MAN:

Yeah? What is it, Joe?

2ND G MAN:

(FADES IN) Well, you were right, Chief! They've got enough gun powder down in that cellar to blow up the whole city!

PAUL:

But we only use that to make fireworks--

1ST G MAN:

Shut up! Everybody in this house is under arrest!

KIRBY:

What's that?!

MRS. KIRBY:

Oh, my heavens!

GRANDPA:

Look here, officer, this is all nonsense.

DE PINNA:

Excuse me, Officer, but I've got to go down in the cellar!

1ST G MAN:

Oh, no you don't! What's your name?

DE PINNA:

Mr. De Pinna. But I just remembered I left my pipe down on the--

1ST G MAN:

Get back there!

DE PINNA:

But I gotta get my pipe!

1ST G MAN:

Grab him, Joe!

2ND G MAN:

All right.

DE PINNA:

Let me go! Let me go! I gotta get down there!

2ND G MAN:

You stay where you are!

SFX:

EXPLOSIONS FROM BELOW ... A SERIES OF SHARP CRACKS

DE PINNA:

There, I told you! My pipe!

KIRBY:

What's that?

PAUL:

The fireworks! The fireworks!

1ST G MAN:

Get 'em all out, boys! The whole joint is pinched!

BIZ:

CHAOS! -- ALL AD LIB ("I'm an American citizen--!" "You can't--")

SFX:

FIREWORKS POPPING FURIOUSLY

MFX:

TOPS EVERYTHING FOR A ROUSING FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

Act Two of "You Can't Take It with You" ended rather abruptly. We'll see what happens in Act Three. If anyone can get out of a fix like that, our money's on Grandpa. Perhaps his secret is friendliness. And here's another gentleman who seems to know that secret.

ANNOUNCER:

After a brief intermission, we will go on with Act Three of "You Can't Take It with You," starring Edward Arnold, Walter Connolly, Fay Wray, Robert Cummings, Neda Harrigan and Lee Patrick. A few weeks ago, I mentioned on this program a conversation I'd had with Joan Bennett. A few days later, I got a letter that made me think that perhaps I'm not always as grateful as I should be. The letter says-- Well here, Sally, you read it.

SALLY:

(READS) "Dear Mr. Ruick, So you know Joan Bennett! You Big Lucky, I wish I knew her. Why don't you tell us some more about the stars you know personally?" (GIGGLES) Shall I read the way it's signed?

ANNOUNCER:

Why, certainly, why not? Go ahead.

SALLY:

Well, it's signed, "An admirer."

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, that! She doesn't mean me, Sally. She means she admires Joan Bennett. And, by George, so do I. What a complexion she has!

SALLY:

Are you going to do what she asks?

ANNOUNCER:

Who, Joan Bennett?

SALLY:

Oh, no. "An admirer."

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, you mean, to talk more about the movie stars I know? Well, I know Olivia de Havilland. And believe me I was glad I did the other night.

SALLY:

Why, Mr. Ruick?

ANNOUNCER:

Because I was at the Trocadero and she came in. She looked so absolutely beautiful that everyone in the place turned to look.

SALLY:

She has lovely skin.

ANNOUNCER:

Indeed she has. And she uses Lux Soap. She's a real fan for it. Says it does a swell job for her, and besides she likes to use it because it has such a nice perfume. You can bet a girl like Olivia wouldn't use Lux unless it did work, because she's really a practical little thing -- sort of businesslike about everything. Expects results.

SALLY:

Nine out of ten screen stars use Lux Soap. That means they get results, doesn't it, Mr. Ruick?

ANNOUNCER:

It certainly does, Sally. Lux Soap has ACTIVE lather that does a thorough job -- makes you sure of perfect cleansing. And that means it's the soap for every woman who wants her skin to have the best of care. Smooth, soft skin is a joy to everyone who looks at it. And everyone does look at it -- and admire it. So, let Lux Toilet Soap help you win the love, and admiration you ought to have. (PAUSE) We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MFX:

FOR A STATION BREAK ... THEN OUT

DEMILLE:

We continue with the Third Act of "You Can't Take It with You."

MFX:

BRIEF, CHEERY INTRO ... THEN IN BG

DEMILLE:

The long arm of the law has reached into the Vanderhof household and scooped up the entire family -- and, with them, the aristocratic Kirbys. In the police station, the men have been herded into a single barred room, reserved especially for the drunk and disorderly.

MFX:

CHANGES TO HARMONICA, SOFTLY, OFF A LITTLE ... "OH, SUSANNA"

KIRBY:

(ACCUSING) Well, Tony, I hope you're satisfied. And I only hope it teaches you a lesson. Go fooling around with stenographers.

TONY:

I'm sorry, Dad, but I intend marrying Alice!

KIRBY:

Yes, I know. I intended marrying a waitress once! But, fortunately, my father knocked it out of me!

MFX:

HARMONICA STOPS

GRANDPA:

Mr. Kirby, you'd be a lot better off if you'd relax a little.

KIRBY:

(SCOFFS) Ahhh, relax! With my son being snatched from under my nose! With my being arrested like a common criminal! (SHOUTS) This may jeopardize the biggest deal of my career!

GRANDPA:

(CALMLY) Stop worrying, Mr. Kirby. What if all your deals fall through? Might be a lucky break for you.

KIRBY:

Are you crazy?!

GRANDPA:

Maybe I am. I was just like you once. But I quit because I wasn't having any fun. That was thirty-five years ago.

KIRBY:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) Yeah. And you haven't done a thing since.

GRANDPA:

Oh, yes, yes. I went to the zoo when I got the notion. Took up the harmonica again. Made a lot of friends. And even found time to notice when Spring came around.

KIRBY:

Yes, a fine country we'd have if we all spent our time at the zoo and played the harmonica. It's a lot of nonsense!

GRANDPA:

Too bad you can't find time for a lot of nonsense like that. Maybe you'd stop being so desperate about making more money than you can use. You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it? From what I can see, there's only one thing you can take with you, and that's the love of your friends.

KIRBY:

(SHARPLY) Oh, why don't you go out and get a pulpit for yourself?

GRANDPA:

I'm sorry.

GUARD:

(FADES IN) Which one of you is Vanderhof?

GRANDPA:

Right here, sir.

GUARD:

There he is, Mister. (FADES) Five minutes.

BLAKELY:

(OFF) Thanks. (FADES IN, SMUG) Hello, Mr. Vanderhof. Remember me?

GRANDPA:

Oh, sure. Mr. Blakely, isn't it?

BLAKELY:

Yes. Heard you were in trouble and came over to help you out.

GRANDPA:

I see. Well, you're wasting your time, Mr. Blakely. I don't intend selling my home.

BLAKELY:

What?

GRANDPA:

No, sir. Now, go along, young fellow. Run along and let me alone.

BLAKELY:

Well, we'll see how long you can hold out. Just wait till a few more things happen to ya!

GRANDPA:

(REALIZES) Ohhhh! So it was you who arranged this arrest?

BLAKELY:

Yes, and it's only a starter!

KIRBY:

(FADES IN) Blakely, did you do this?

BLAKELY:

(HORRIFIED) Mr. Kirby!

KIRBY:

Why, you idiot! Do you know what you've done?

BLAKELY:

But, Mr. Kirby, I never dreamed that you knew these people!

KIRBY:

Get out of here, you blundering idiot! And if you have one ounce of brains, see if you can dig up my attorneys!

BLAKELY:

(FADES) Yes sir, yes sir, I'll phone them all. Yes, sir!

KIRBY:

(CALMLY, TO GRANDPA) So -- you're the one that's been holding up my deal?

GRANDPA:

Kind of funny, isn't it?

KIRBY:

What's so funny about it?

GRANDPA:

(LAUGHS) I mean, your engineering this thing and then getting caught in your own trap.

KIRBY:

Ah, you won't think it's so funny, when I take that house away from you.

KOLENKHOV:

(OFF A LITTLE) Ah, listen to him! Talks like a czar!

KIRBY:

I'll show you how business is done, the Kirby way!

KOLENKHOV:

Business! You're not a business man! You are a - a lion in the jungle!

KIRBY:

Yes! And I've got the longest and the sharpest claws, too! That's how I got where I am! That's why I'm on top -- and scum like you are in the gutter!

TONY:

Oh, Dad. Stop it!

KOLENKHOV:

Who are you calling scum?!

GRANDPA:

(ANGRY) You're an idiot, Mr. Kirby! A stupid idiot!

KIRBY:

You can't talk to me like that!

GRANDPA:

Oh, yes, I can! "Scum," are we? What makes you think you're such a superior human being? Your money? With all your wealth, you're the poorest man I know! Poorer than any of these people you call scum! Because I'll guarantee they've got some friends. You may be a high Mogul to yourself, Mr. Kirby, but to me you're a failure! A failure as a man, a failure as a human being -- yes, even a failure as a father! (PAUSE, CATCHES HIS BREATH) I'm sorry, Mr. Kirby. I haven't lost my temper like that in thirty-some-odd years. If I could - make it up to you any way-- (GENEROUS) How'd you like to have my harmonica? It's a new one. Here, you might want to play it sometime.

SFX:

CELL DOOR UNLOCKED AND OPENED

GUARD:

All right, everybody! Night Court's open! (FADES) Have your slips ready! Come on, come on, move along.

BIZ:

FADE IN CROWD ... AD LIB IN COURTROOM

SFX:

GAVEL

JUDGE:

Silence!

BIZ:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Mr. Vanderhof, for disturbing the peace, you and the rest of your family are, by your own plea, guilty, but I shall suspend sentence.

GRANDPA:

Thank you, sir.

JUDGE:

But for manufacturing explosives without a license, I'm sorry, but I'm forced to fine you one hundred dollars.

GRANDPA:

A hundred dollars? (WHISTLES) That's a lot of money.

KIRBY:

(QUIET) Your Honor, I'll pay his fine.

GRANDPA:

No, no, thank you very much, Mr. Kirby, but I couldn't let you do that.

BIZ:

CROWD ... COURTROOM HUM SWELL

MAGGIE:

(OFF) We got to help Grandpa! He's our neighbor!

SFX:

GAVEL

JUDGE:

Order! Silence, please!

MAGGIE:

(FADES IN) Oh, Grandpa, don't worry!

GRANDPA:

Why, Maggie!

MAGGIE:

Your Honor, we're Grandpa's neighbors! We'll take care of that fine for him. We'll take up a collection!

BIZ:

CROWD ... AD LIBS AGREEMENT ("Sure, we're all with ya, Mr. Vanderhof! Sure we are!")

JUDGE:

Very well. But, quietly, please.

BIZ:

CROWD QUIETS ... CONTINUES TO BUZZ IN BG

MAGGIE:

Ah! Thanks, Judge. (FADES) Okay, folks, let's pony up.

SFX:

CLINKING OF COINS OFF, DURING FOLLOWING

JUDGE:

Ah, you're a lucky man, Mr. Vanderhof, to have so many friends.

GRANDPA:

(SLOWLY) Yes, sir.

BIZ:

CROWD QUIETS DURING FOLLOWING

JUDGE:

Now, gentlemen, I'd like to dismiss the charge of disturbing the peace against the Kirbys. But if these people were guilty, then I must assume the Kirbys were guilty, too. Unless, of course, they can explain what they were doing there.

MRS. KIRBY:

I don't see that that's important! Haven't we been embarrassed enough?

GRANDPA:

Your Honor, if I may say something?

JUDGE:

Yes, of course, Mr. Vanderhof.

GRANDPA:

These people just dropped in to see me about buying my house.

MRS. KIRBY:

Why - why, why, of course! That's all we were there for!

ALICE:

(FADES IN, FURIOUS) That's not true!

GRANDPA:

Now, Alice--

BIZ:

CROWD ... BRIEFLY BUZZES OVER ALICE'S ENTRANCE

ALICE:

Now, let me alone! I won't stand for it! I won't stand for our being humiliated like this! Your Honor, they're ashamed to admit that they came to look my family over, to see if I was good enough to marry their precious son!

MRS. KIRBY:

Why, I never heard of anything--

TONY:

But she's right, mother! That's just why we were there!

ALICE:

It's time you spoke up, Tony Kirby! Why, it's your family that isn't good enough! I wouldn't be related to a bunch of snobs like that for anything in the world! (FADES) How do you like that?!

BIZ:

CROWD ... AD LIBS

TONY:

(CALLS, OVER CROWD) Alice! Alice! Come here!

BIZ:

CROWD BUZZES LOUDLY

MFX:

TOPS EVERYTHING FOR A DRAMATIC BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF

GRANDPA:

(CALLS EXCITEDLY) Penny! Essie! Paul! Come here!

PENNY:

(FADES IN) What's the matter, Grandpa?

GRANDPA:

Look! It's a letter! From Alice! Here, read it!

ESSIE:

Alice? What does she say? Where is she?

ED:

She comin' home?

PAUL:

Read it out loud, Penny!

PENNY:

Now, wait a minute, my hands are shaking. (BEAT) She's staying with Helen, her school friend, in Riverside. That's in Connecticut.

ESSIE:

Read what she says, Ma!

PENNY:

Oh, let me see now-- (READS) "I know now the situation between me and Tony is impossible. I should have stayed in my own back yard, but, oh, my darlings, I'm so lonesome for you. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wish I could rush back home. But how can I -- if I want to forget?

POPPINS:

Sounds to me like she's not coming back.

GRANDPA:

Well, I guess that settles it.

SFX:

RECEIVER UP ... TELEPHONE DIAL

ESSIE:

Who're you calling, Grandpa?

GRANDPA:

I'm calling that fellow Blakely.

PAUL:

Blakely? You're not going to sell the house?!

SFX:

DIAL STOPS

GRANDPA:

Alice is right. She can't come back here. She'd be miserable. (TO PHONE) Mr. Blakely, please. (THEN) We'll find a place where she is and-- (TO PHONE) Hello, Mr. Blakely? This is Mr. Vanderhof. Still want to buy the house? ... All right. Draw up the papers. ... That's all right.

SFX:

RECEIVER CLICK

GRANDPA:

Quite a crook, that fellow.

MFX:

BRIDGE

TONY:

But, Mr. Vanderhof, why won't you tell me where she is?

GRANDPA:

Because there's an unwritten law in our family against snitching. And Alice doesn't want to see you, Tony.

PENNY:

(OFF, CALLS) Grandpa, is the moving man down there?

GRANDPA:

(CALLS) He just took out the xylophone. (TO TONY) Pretty busy today here, son. Moving and all.

TONY:

Now, Mr. Vanderhof, er, if you see Alice, will you tell her--? Well, tell her that I've quit the banking business. And I - I'm gonna work on that - that grass thing.

GRANDPA:

(UNDERSTANDS) Grass, sure.

RHEBA:

(FADING IN, EXCITED) Grandpa! Grandpa! I just seen Miss Alice comin' up the walk!

GRANDPA:

Miss Alice--?

RHEBA:

Miss Alice is home!

PENNY:

What? Heavenly day. But we were going to her!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN

ALICE:

(OFF) Mother! Grandpa! I'm back!

PENNY:

Oh, Alice, darling!

ALICE:

(FADES IN) Grandpa! What are you doing? I came as soon as I got your telegram, but -- oh! I'm too late. You've already sold the house!

GRANDPA:

Of course, I sold the house. I was - I was getting tired of it.

ALICE:

But now everybody on the block has to move! (LOW, POINTED) And what about Grandma? You're moving away from her.

TONY:

Alice--

ALICE:

(COLDLY) Well, Mr. Kirby, you wanted the house and you got it. Well, now get out!

TONY:

But Alice, please, I--

ALICE:

Don't talk to me! Oh, Grandpa! (SHE CRIES ON GRANDPA'S SHOULDER)

GRANDPA:

It's all right, Alice, it's all right. Now, don't - don't cry, honey.

MOVING MAN:

(FADES IN) The desk was right here, wasn't it? Set it down, Harry.

SFX:

DESK THUMPS ON FLOOR

GRANDPA:

Say, what is this? What're you bringing that furniture back in here for?

MOVING MAN:

Orders, Grandpa. (FADES) Come on, Harry.

PENNY:

What in the world--?

KIRBY:

(OFF A LITTLE, MEEKLY) May I come in?

TONY:

Dad!

PENNY:

Why, it's Mr. Kirby!

GRANDPA:

Mr. Kirby?

KIRBY:

(OFF) Do you mind if I sit down?

GRANDPA:

'Course not. We're a little short on chairs.

KIRBY:

(CLOSER) Well, you won't be. I told the men to bring your furniture back.

PENNY:

You did? Why?

KIRBY:

(HUMBLED) Mr. Vanderhof, you told me I was a failure as a man and as a father. I guess maybe you were right. My son walked out on me today.

TONY:

Oh, Dad--

KIRBY:

But I'm not giving up. I want my son back. I want to be a success as a father. So the first thing I've got to do is to be a success as a man. My big deal isn't going through and, strangely enough, I don't care.

GRANDPA:

Mr. Kirby, you know what I do when I'm facing a crisis of some kind?

KIRBY:

No.

GRANDPA:

I just take out my harmonica and play until the crisis fades away. I think right now if you and me could get together on a duet-- You brought the harmonica I gave you, didn't you?

KIRBY:

(CHUCKLES) Well, I--

GRANDPA:

Fine, fine. How about "Polly Wolly Doodle"?

KIRBY:

"Polly Wolly Doodle"?

GRANDPA:

I'll start it and you join in.

KIRBY:

(LAUGHS) All right.

MFX:

ONE HARMONICA STARTS "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE" ... SECOND JOINS IN ... CONTINUES IN BG

PENNY:

Oh, that's beautiful! Paul, isn't it lovely?

KOLENKHOV:

(FADES IN) Oh! It's the jungle lion on the harmonica!

MFX:

HARMONICAS OUT

KIRBY:

(HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Ah! My Russian wrestling friend!

KOLENKHOV:

What are you doing here?!

KIRBY:

Ha! I'll show you! I hold you so!

KOLENKHOV:

Ah?

KIRBY:

You hold me so!

KOLENKHOV:

Ah, da!

KIRBY:

What am I doing?! I'm doing this! (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

SFX:

THUD! AS KOLENKHOV HITS THE FLOOR

KOLENKHOV:

(LOVES IT) Oh! Magnificent!

KIRBY:

Thank you! (TO GRANDPA) Come on, Mr. Vanderhof!

MFX:

HARMONICAS PLAY "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE" ... CONTINUES IN BG

ESSIE:

Ed, how 'bout the xylophone?

ED:

Okay with me, Essie! Where's my sticks?

MFX:

XYLOPHONE JOINS HARMONICAS ... CONTINUES IN BG

TONY:

(HAPPY) Alice? Alice, I guess everything's all right now, huh?

ALICE:

(OVERCOME) Oh, Tony, I - I can't say a word.

TONY:

Gee, I feel like screaming! Yes, it's comin' over me! Yeah! I gotta!

ALICE:

(TENDERLY) But you've got what you want, Tony.

TONY:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, Alice.

ALICE:

(CHUCKLES)

TONY:

Oh, gosh.

ALICE:

(CHUCKLES)

MFX:

XYLOPHONE AND HARMONICAS UP AND FADE OUT

SFX:

CLATTER OF DISHES FADES IN ... CHATTER OF VOICES ... TAPPING ON PLATE

PENNY:

Quiet! Quiet, everybody!

SFX:

SETTLES DOWN TO SILENCE

PENNY:

Grandpa's going to say grace.

MFX:

SOFTLY UNDER FOLLOWING

GRANDPA:

Well, Sir, here we are again. We had a little trouble but that's not Your fault. You spread the milk of human kindness and, if some of it gets curdled, that's our lookout. Anyway, things have turned out fine. Alice is going to marry Tony, the Kirbys are coming to live with us for a while, and everybody on the block is happy. We've all got our health and as far as anything else is concerned, we leave it up to You. Thank You.

KIRBY:

Has anybody got the pickles?!

SFX:

CLATTER OF DISHES ... HAPPY CHATTER OF VOICES

MFX:

SWELLS TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

DEMILLE:

The Vanderhof clan are rather interesting people -- and four other interesting people are coming back to our microphone now. Edward Arnold, Walter Connolly, Fay Wray and Robert Cummings.

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

EDWARD ARNOLD:

It's quite a mob you've got here tonight, C. B.

WALTER CONNOLLY:

Gangsters! Where?

FAY WRAY:

Not gangsters, Walter. Just a mob. You know, two's company, four's a mob.

ROBERT CUMMINGS:

Quite a retrenchment. A DeMille mob scene ought to have about four thousand, shouldn't it?

DEMILLE:

(CHUCKLES) Sometimes four good actors can outshine four thousand, Bob.

WALTER CONNOLLY:

Yeah, but they can't make as much noise. (CHUCKLES)

DEMILLE:

That depends on their ammunition. You four made plenty tonight.

EDWARD ARNOLD:

Well, we're all a little shell-shocked after rehearsing under firecrackers all week.

WALTER CONNOLLY:

Well, I do think it was carrying realism too far when the man put a firecracker off under my chair.

DEMILLE:

That was rather a low trick. But, er, Eddie, wasn't that in the spirit of the Low Jinks Festival at the Bohemian Club?

EDWARD ARNOLD:

Well, we have two important pilgrimages a year, C. B. The High Jinks, which is serious, and the Low Jinks, which speaks for itself. It's quite a sight, actors making fun of themselves.

WALTER CONNOLLY:

Oh, no, Ed, impossible. Actors never make fun of themselves.

EDWARD ARNOLD:

(LAUGHS) Well, I've seen it with my own eyes. I'll take you all up sometime and show you. All except, Fay -- it's, er, it's strictly stag.

FAY WRAY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

DEMILLE:

Educational but not co-educational, huh?

EDWARD ARNOLD:

(APOLOGETIC) Yeah.

DEMILLE:

Well, never mind, Fay. How did you enjoy that summer theater in Maine?

FAY WRAY:

Oh, it was grand! The only way I know of to get paid for taking a vacation in Maine. And I have something to report that will interest you, C. B. I found in my summer theater that Lux Soap is just as popular backstage as it is in Hollywood. Naturally, I took some with me when I went to Maine because I've used it for years. And I discovered that almost everyone else uses it, too. They know, as I do, what a help it is in keeping one's complexion soft and smooth.

DEMILLE:

Mm, reports like that make the heart grow fonder.

ROBERT CUMMINGS:

Well, you know, Mr. DeMille, it's time for you to give a report of yourself. What've you done about next week's play?

DEMILLE:

Next Monday night, we're going to have Irene Dunne and David Niven. And the play--

SFX:

BRIEF APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

(CHUCKLES) The play, which I think everyone will like, is "The Sisters," a story about a girl who cast her luck with a reckless adventurer, fought for love, and won a victory.

FAY WRAY:

(SAVORING IT) Irene Dunne and David Niven in "The Sisters"! That's a wonderful cast and a fine play! I bet a lot of people have been asking for "The Sisters."

EDWARD ARNOLD:

Well, the Arnold family'll be listening in and it's time for me to get out of here, I gotta go to work again. I think we all enjoyed doing "You Can't Take It with You." Good bye, C. B.

FAY WRAY:

Good night!

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... CONTINUES IN BG

WALTER CONNOLLY:

Good night!

ROBERT CUMMINGS:

Good night!

DEMILLE:

Good night. Good night. And our - our gratitude is one thing you can take with you.

MFX:

THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

SFX:

APPLAUSE OUT

DEMILLE:

Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night, when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Irene Dunne and David Niven in "The Sisters." This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

MFX:

THEME UP AND OUT

SFX:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

This is Melville Ruick asking you to be sure to listen to the Lux daytime program, "The Life and Love of Dr. Susan." This human and gripping story of a young, attractive woman doctor is brought to you every afternoon, Monday through Friday. For the time and station, see your newspaper. "The Life and Love of Dr. Susan" comes to you in addition to the Lux Radio Theatre.

Heard in tonight's play were:

Lou Merrill as Kolenkhov; Sally Payne as Essie; Edward Marr as Ed; Rolfe Sedan as Poppins; Wally Maher as Henderson; Griff Barnett as Hughes; Gil Patric as Secretary; Abe Reynolds as De Pinna; John Fee as 1st Associate; Victor Rodman as Blakely; Jane Morgan as Secretary; Libby Taylor as Rheba; Harry Humphrey as Paul; and Earle Ross as Guard.

Edward Arnold will soon be seen in the Columbia picture "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." Walter Connolly is now appearing in the RKO production "Fifth Avenue Girl." Robert Cummings' current film is "The Under-Pup," a Universal production. Louis Silvers is from Twentieth Century-Fox where he directed music for "Hollywood Cavalcade."

MFX:

THEME

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SFX:

APPLAUSE CONTINUES TO END

MFX:

LUX THEME CONTINUES TO END