Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Favorite Husband
Show: Valentine's Day
Date: Feb 11 1949

CAST:
ANNOUNCER
LIZ COOPER
GEORGE COOPER, Liz's husband
KATY, their maid
DABNEY, the dumb-but-amorous butcher
MAILMAN, an irritable, dutiful old-timer
JUDGE, grandiose, unctuous and oily

ANNOUNCER:

It's time for Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the new gay family series, starring Lucile Ball with Richard Denning, as Liz and George Cooper, two people who live together and like it.

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

And now, let's look in on the Coopers. It's three days before Valentine's Day. Well, she's been hinting about it all morning but George doesn't seem to notice. And now, at breakfast, Liz is making one last try, by arranging her toast crusts in the form of a heart.

LIZ:

George? (NO ANSWER) Hey, George. George, look at my plate.

GEORGE:

Hm? (PLAYS DUMB) Oh, yeah. You should eat those crusts, Liz; they're good for your teeth.

LIZ:

(ASIDE) That's my romantic husband. (POINTED) George, didn't you notice what shape they're in?

GEORGE:

Huh? Oh, yeah. A triangle.

LIZ:

No.

GEORGE:

A pumpkin?

LIZ:

No! George, when two people are in love, and are going to get married, what does it affect the most?
GEORGE: Oh, don't tell me that's a pocketbook? ...

LIZ:

No! It's a heart. Doesn't that remind you of anything?

GEORGE:

Oh, yes, I've got to take my liver pills. ...

LIZ:

(ANNOYED) Oh, why don't you go read your paper? I was trying to remind you that Valentine's Day is coming up.

GEORGE:

Aw. That's it? Well, you didn't have to remind me.

LIZ:

I didn't?

GEORGE:

No, every ad in the paper is full of it. What a racket! ...

LIZ:

It is not a racket; it's a wonderful, romantic holiday and I like it!

GEORGE:

Hm. You know how it started?

LIZ:

Well, St. Valentine was a-- He-- (BEAT) No, I don't; do you? ...

GEORGE:

Well, it so happens, I do. It seems that years ago, there were two kindly old gentlemen who thought love was so wonderful that they set aside a day to honor all sweethearts and lovers. And they called it St. Valentine's Day.

LIZ:

Oh, isn't that sweet? Who were they?

GEORGE:

A candy-maker and a florist. ...

LIZ:

Oh, George, I suppose you think a department store owner invented mothers so they could have Mother's Day.

GEORGE:

You know, you may be right? ...

LIZ:

Well, St. Valentine's Day doesn't mean just candy and flowers; it's the spirit of loving that counts. If you really love someone enough, they'll know it without any presents.

GEORGE:

Are you serious?

LIZ:

Yes.

GEORGE:

(DELIBERATE) Liz, I love you. (PAUSE) ...

LIZ:

You mean--? You mean, no presents? ...

GEORGE:

(DEADPAN) No! I love you too much.

LIZ:

(DESPERATE) But, George, what's Valentine's Day without candy and flowers?

GEORGE:

(PLAYFUL) Ha ha! I thought so. (CHUCKLES)

LIZ:

You know the real reason I like Valentine's Day?

GEORGE:

Yeah?

LIZ:

Because it's such a good excuse to be all mushy and gushy about you.

GEORGE:

Yeah? Well, what's your excuse for the other three hundred and sixty-four days? You're mushy all the time.

LIZ; Yeah, but on Valentine's Day I can be mushy and loud. (SHOUTS PLAYFULLY) I LOVE YOU, GEORGE!

GEORGE:

Liz! Keep quiet!

LIZ:

(SHOUTS) I LOVE YOU, GEORGE!

GEORGE:

Liz, stop! What about Katy?

LIZ:

(SHOUTS) KATY LOVES YOU, TOO, GEORGE! ...

GEORGE:

Ohhh. What about the lady next door?

LIZ:

(SHOUTS) THE LA--! (INSTANTLY LOW, SUSPICIOUS) What about the lady next door? ...

GEORGE:

Well, she might hear you. Now-now-now, simmer down.

LIZ:

All right, I'll be quiet. (WHISPERS PLAYFULLY) I love you, George.

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) That's better.

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) Do you love me, George?

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS, GENUINE) Yes, I do.

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) I'm glad to hear that, George.

KATY:

(WHISPERS) Anybody want more coffee? ...

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) No, thanks, Katy.

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) No, thanks.

KATY:

(WHISPERS) What are we whispering for?

LIZ:

(LAUGHS) Well, it was just a joke, Katy. We're kidding about Valentine's Day.

KATY:

Kidding? Oh, you should never joke about Valentine's Day. Oh, it's a beautiful occasion.

LIZ:

Why, Katy, I think you've got a boyfriend.

KATY:

Well, I have been workin' on a Valentine poem. (SUPPRESSES A NERVOUS GIGGLE) And I'm going to give it to-- (BURSTS OUT GIGGLING)

LIZ:

To whom?

KATY:

I'm going to give it to-- (MORE GIGGLING) ...

LIZ:

Is that his first or last name? ...

KATY:

Oh, ho, Mrs. Cooper! It's for Mr. Dabney, the butcher.

LIZ:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh. Old "Heavy Thumb." ...

GEORGE:

Is the butcher your boyfriend, Katy?

KATY:

Well, sort of.

GEORGE:

Ah, that explains why we've been able to cut the steaks lately.

KATY:

Well, he isn't exactly my boyfriend, but I've always sort of liked him.

LIZ:

Well, you could do worse than Mr. Dabney. He's quite attractive and a very good butcher.

KATY:

Well, some people may have better beef, but his liver is good. ... And no one has ox-tail and pig's feet like his. ...

GEORGE:

Say, what's it cost to see him? ...

KATY:

I do have a problem, though, Mrs. Cooper. I haven't got the nerve to give Mr. Dabney the valentine I wrote to him. Would you go shopping with me today and--? (NERVOUS GIGGLE) Oh, give it to him for me?

LIZ:

Why, sure, Katy. Anything to help out romance.

KATY:

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Cooper. (MOVING OFF) I'll go finish it.

GEORGE:

Liz, are you going to start playing Cupid again? Now, you know what happened--

LIZ:

Now, George, what harm can come from handing him a valentine for Katy? I'll not only help their romance along but he'll give us better meat. This isn't just an affair of the heart, there are a couple of stomachs mixed up in this, too. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

KATY:

There he is, Mrs. Cooper. (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

LIZ:

Well, give me the valentine; I'll hand it to him.

KATY:

Oh, here.

LIZ:

What have you got on this, Katy?

KATY:

Well, I wanted to send it with an odor he'd like.

LIZ:

But it's all soggy. What'd you do, soak it in perfume?

KATY:

No, bacon grease. ...

LIZ:

Well, that's romantic. Well, give it to me.

KATY:

(MOVING OFF) I'll be watchin' from the grocery department.

LIZ:

All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Good morning, Mr. Dabney.

DABNEY:

(DUMB BUT AMOROUS) Hi, Miss Cooper.

LIZ:

How are things in the meat market?

DABNEY:

Fine, Miss Cooper. ... What can I do for you today?

LIZ:

Well, I didn't come to buy anything today, Mr. Dabney. I'm here on sort of a personal matter. Um, I happen to know that, uh, one of your customers thinks you're, uh, rather nice.

DABNEY:

Noooooo!

LIZ:

Yeeeees. ... She's been too bashful to tell you, but, uh, since this is almost Valentine's Day, she wants you to know she - likes you a lot.

DABNEY:

You know somethin', Miss Cooper?

LIZ:

What?

DABNEY:

I like you a lot, too. ...

LIZ:

Now, wait a minute, I'm not the one.

DABNEY:

Still bashful, eh? (CHUCKLES) ... Ah, you little minx. ...

LIZ:

Just a second, Mr. Dabney. I happen to be speaking for someone else.

DABNEY:

(PLAYFUL) Ah, ha ha, ha! What's that you're hidin' behind your back?

LIZ:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, how did I get mixed up in this? (TO DABNEY) Here. This'll straighten things out. It's a valentine.

DABNEY:

Oh, Miss Cooper, I feel like such a heel. (BEAT) I don't have one for you! ...

LIZ:

Now, stop this nonsense.

DABNEY:

Now, wait a minute. I'll cut you a heart-shaped piece of salami. ...

LIZ:

Oh, no. Look, just read this valentine and you'll see what I'm trying to tell you.

DABNEY:

(AFFECTIONATE) All right -- Liz. ... Aw, gee, it looks byoo-tee-ful. And how did ya know? Me fav'rite aroma! Swift's Premium! ...

LIZ:

Read the valentine.

DABNEY:

All right. (READS) "If you'll be mine, then I'll be thine. You set my heart a-quiver. / Say you'll be my valentine -- and send two pounds o' liver." ...

LIZ:

Well, that's a practical thought.

DABNEY:

Oh, Miss Cooper. This is touchin'. Did you write this all by your little self?

LIZ:

For the last time, no. Look at the signature.

DABNEY:

Well, it's signed, "Your bashful redhead."

LIZ:

(HORRIFIED) Oh, no! (CALLS) Katy?! (NO ANSWER) Oh, she's gone.

DABNEY:

(AMOROUS) Oh, don't try to pretend. ...

LIZ:

No. You stay there! You stay right behind that counter!

DABNEY:

Aw, come here, you bashful redhead! ...

LIZ:

Now, you listen to me. Katy has red hair, too. We're both redheads. She's the one for you.

DABNEY:

Listen, two houses may have red roofs, but you don't pick the one with the saggin' foundation. ...

LIZ:

Well! It's too bad your fish isn't as fresh as you are.

DABNEY:

Oh! Don't try to fight this thing, my little tenderloin. It's bigger than both of us! ...

LIZ:

Now, stop this, Mr. Dabney. What about Katy?

DABNEY:

She's bigger than both of us, too! ... Oh, Miss Cooper, I've admired you for years. Each little lamb chop you bought, I personally put the pants on it. ... I feel as though part of me belongs to you.

LIZ:

So do I.

DABNEY:

You feel as though part of me belongs to you?

LIZ:

Yes, your thumb; I've paid for it often enough. Goodbye, Mr. Dabney! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LIZ:

Oh, it was simply awful, Katy. He came right out of his store and followed me down the block. We'll just have to stop trading there; I could never face that Mr. Dabney again.

KATY:

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Cooper. I shouldn't have gotten panicky and run away.

LIZ:

Well, I'm sorry it ruined your romance.

KATY:

Oh, I'll get over it in time. I have a date with the milkman tonight. ...

LIZ:

Well, that's good. Now that we're going to get tough meat again, it'll be nice to have fresh eggs. ...

KATY:

I left his valentine in an empty milk bottle.

LIZ:

Well, that's romantic. What did you say?

KATY:

I said, "I love you, dear. Don't be surprised. / Leave two quarts of homogenized." ...

LIZ:

Uh huh. Well, uh, listen, Edgar Guest, do me a favor, will you? I made out a check for Mr. Dabney and I wish you'd go out and mail it. The sooner I sever connections with that wolf the better.

KATY:

Yes, ma'am, I will.

LIZ:

Here, mail this one, too. (CONFIDENTIALLY) This is a valentine.

KATY:

Why, Mrs. Cooper, who are you sendin' a valentine to?

LIZ:

To George, of course. I thought it'd sort of be fun for him to get it at the bank. It's a copy of the first valentine I ever sent to him, when I was only sixteen years old. (NOSTALGIC) Ho, hum. (BRISK) Here ya are, Katy, better hurry. They pick up the mail soon.

KATY:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, all right; I'll get my coat and go right away.

LIZ:

(CALLS AFTER HER) Better wear your gloves. That valentine's pretty hot. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

(CASUAL) Hi ya, Liz!

LIZ:

(WORRIED) George?! What are you doing home in the middle of the afternoon?!

GEORGE:

Well, I--

LIZ:

You've been fired!

GEORGE:

No. I just--

LIZ:

You quit!

GEORGE:

Oh, no, I--

LIZ:

You're sick!

GEORGE:

No, I feel fine. I--

LIZ:

The bank burned down?!

GEORGE:

No!

LIZ:

Isn't that just like a man?! Comes home early and won't give you a word of explanation! ...

GEORGE:

Well, give me a chance. Let me get in the house. You talk so much, the breeze keeps blowing me back out the door. ...

LIZ:

All right. Come on in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

GEORGE:

(EXHALES) I'm going to Chicago for a couple of days on business and I have to pack and catch the four o'clock train.

LIZ:

Oh, good, I'll go with you.

GEORGE:

No. Sorry, honey. Mr. Atterbury has a new rule. "No wives along on business trips."

LIZ:

Well, he took his wife along on his last trip.

GEORGE:

That's when he made the rule. ...

LIZ:

Well, I'll go pack for you. Oh, uh, wait a minute, George. You'll be back by Monday, won't you?

GEORGE:

No.

LIZ:

Oh, dear. I'll see you in a minute, George.

GEORGE:

Hey, where are you going?

LIZ:

(MOVING OFF) Down to the mailbox. I have to see a man about a letter.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRAFFIC BACKGROUND (CAR HORNS, ENGINES, ET CETERA) ... LIZ'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS BEHIND--

LIZ:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Katy?! Katy?!

KATY:

What's the matter, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Did you mail those letters yet?

KATY:

Yes.

LIZ:

Oh, darn it! Has the mailman collected them?

KATY:

No, I don't-- Oh, there! He's just openin' the mailbox now.

LIZ:

You go home, Katy; I'll be back in a few minutes.

KATY:

(FADES OFF) All right, Mrs. Cooper.

SOUND:

LIZ'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ... THEN SLOWING UP ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

KATY:

(TOO FRIENDLY) Hello.

MAILMAN:

(IRRITABLE) Eh? Oh, hello.

KATY:

How are you today?

MAILMAN:

A lot you care. Never see'd you before in my life. ... If you really want to know, I feel rotten. My rheumatism's acting up.

KATY:

Oh, I'm sorry.

MAILMAN:

(SKEPTICAL) Mmmmm, oh, sure. ...

KATY:

(CAREFULLY) Are you, uh, picking up the mail?

MAILMAN:

No. I'm a confederate soldier and these are messages for General Lee. ...

KATY:

Well, you don't have to get nasty about it.

MAILMAN:

(SUSPICIOUS) What do you got on your mind, young lady?

KATY:

It's very simple. There's a letter in that box I want.

MAILMAN:

Ohhh-ho! Tampering with the mails, eh?

KATY:

No, I wrote it myself. There's my letter. That blue one on the top of the pile.

MAILMAN:

Take your hands off that letter.

LIZ:

But it's mine! See? It's addressed to my husband and there's my name in the corner, Liz Cooper, see?

MAILMAN:

Prove it.

LIZ:

Well, uh-- Uh, look at the initials on my purse; "L. C."

MAILMAN:

You gotta have better proof than initials on a purse.

LIZ:

Oh. Well, here. Uh, here's a snapshot.

MAILMAN:

What about it?

LIZ:

Well, see? It's me!

MAILMAN:

Let me see. By golly, it is you. Well, that's proof en-- Now, wait a minute! ... You can't trick me like that.

LIZ:

Look, look, the flap isn't on very tight. Look inside, I'll tell you what's in it.

MAILMAN:

(RELUCTANT) Well, I'll just peek in here and see.

LIZ:

It's a valentine I sent to my husband.

MAILMAN:

A valentine, eh?

LIZ:

Yes, uh-huh.

MAILMAN:

Don't look like-- (MELODRAMATICALLY TRIUMPHANT) Ahh-haaa, just as I thought! Trying to rob the United States mail! Young lady, you can go to the penitentiary for this!

LIZ:

What?!

MAILMAN:

There's no valentine in this envelope at all.

LIZ:

There isn't?!

MAILMAN:

No. It's a check made out to Mr. Dabney, the butcher.

LIZ:

Oh, good heavens! That means Mr. Dabney is getting the valentine I sent to George. Oh, quick, look for another letter made out to Dabney.

MAILMAN:

(DEFENSIVE) Oh, no! These letters are going on their way, legal!

MUSIC:

FOR A CURTAIN ... [COMMERCIAL OMITTED] ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Liz mailed a valentine to George but she got it in the wrong envelope and it's going to Mr. Dabney, the butcher, who already mistakenly thinks that Liz is in love with him. Well, it's early the next morning and Liz is at Mr. Dabney's waiting to intercept the letter when it comes. In order to make it look like strictly business, Liz has been making purchases every few minutes.

LIZ:

Uh-- Uh, Mr. Dabney. I think I better have two more pork chops, please.

DABNEY:

Miss Cooper, you already bought a roast, two pounds of bacon, three steaks, four lamb chops, five veal cutlets and some liverwurst. I got an idear.

LIZ:

What's that?

DABNEY:

You now have more meat than I do. Why don't you start selling it back to me? ...

LIZ:

(ARCH) Never mind the attempt at humor, Mr. Dabney. By the way, uh, when does your mailman get here?

DABNEY:

Look, Miss Cooper-- (AFFECTIONATE) "Red--" ... You're not foolin' anybody, pretendin' to buy meat, makin' small talk about the mailman -- all because you want to be near me. ... Come on, admit it.

LIZ:

(INSISTENT) Mr. Dabney, I don't like you. I don't like your looks and I don't like your manner! And I think you're completely revolting!

DABNEY:

That's right, make love to me. ...

LIZ:

(EXASPERATED) Oh! (SUDDENLY) Oh, thank goodness, here comes the mailman.

MAILMAN:

Good morning, Mr. Dabney; here's a letter for you.

LIZ:

I'll take that!

MAILMAN:

(UNHAPPY, ON GUARD) Ohhh, it's you again. Young lady, you must curb this impulse to grab every blue envelope you see.

DABNEY:

That letter's for me.

LIZ:

But it's mine! I wrote it! It's got my name on it! There's a valentine inside!

MAILMAN:

That's the same story she told me yesterday.

DABNEY:

(AMAZED, THRILLED) Miss Cooper -- ya sent me another valentine!

LIZ:

I have not! It's all a mistake!

DABNEY:

That's the same story she told me yesterday.

MAILMAN:

I don't think she's got all her buttons. ... Mr. Dabney, here's your letter.

LIZ:

Over my dead body!

SOUND:

LIZ SNATCHES LETTER AND RUNS AWAY BEHIND--

MAILMAN:

Hey! Hey! Gimme that letter. Come back here! Oh, my goodness! Help, police! She just held up the United States mail!

DABNEY:

Stop her!

SOUND:

MAILMAN BLOWS HIS WHISTLE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

KATY:

Now, don't fret, Mrs. Cooper. Everything's goin' to be all right.

LIZ:

But, Katy, how will I ever be able to tell George I was arrested for robbing the United States mails? And that he has to appear in court with me tomorrow?

KATY:

It won't be easy.

LIZ:

Well, anyway, this is one time I'll have an answer when George says, "What's new?" ...

KATY:

Here he comes now. (MOVING OFF) Good luck.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

GEORGE:

Hi, Liz!

LIZ:

Hi, dear.

GEORGE:

Well, what's new? (BEAT) ...

LIZ:

I'm glad you asked that. I'm being sent to Alcatraz. ...

GEORGE:

Alcatraz? Liz, you joined a pyramid club! ...

LIZ:

No, no, let me explain, George. You see, I sent the butcher a valentine by mistake and since it was already mailed, he wouldn't give it back to me.

GEORGE:

The butcher?

LIZ:

No, the mailman. I waited at the butcher shop until he got there, and when I grabbed the valentine he called the police.

GEORGE:

Er, the mailman?

LIZ:

No, the butcher. And I tried to explain how it was all a mistake, but he wouldn't listen.

GEORGE:

The mailman or the butcher?

LIZ:

The policeman. Then we all had to go to police court and he said it was a federal offense and I ought to be ashamed.

GEORGE:

The mailman, the butcher or the policeman?

LIZ:

The judge! ... Now do you understand, George?

GEORGE:

Perfectly. The butcher sent the mailman a mushy valentine and the judge will send you to prison if I don't marry the policeman-- What's going on here?! ...

LIZ:

Keep calm, George. Look, they'll drop the charges if you and I will appear in Domestic Relations Court tomorrow.

GEORGE:

Domestic Relations?

LIZ:

I'm a victim of circumstantial evidence, George. The judge wants to make up his mind.

GEORGE:

About what?

LIZ:

Whether I should stay with you or --- marry Mr. Dabney.

GEORGE:

Oh, no!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS

JUDGE:

(GRANDIOSE, UNCTUOUS AND OILY) All right, all right, the Domestic Relations Court will come to order. Now, Mr. Cooper, if you and Mrs. Cooper will sit on this side of the table?

LIZ:

All right, Judge Skinner, but I tell you there is no--

JUDGE:

Please! And you, Mr. Dabney, over here.

DABNEY:

Okay, Judge. (TO LIZ, PANTS AFFECTIONATELY) Hiya, "Red."

LIZ:

(ANNOYED) Ohhhh-- Drop dead! ...

GEORGE:

(UPSET) What does he mean, "Red"?

LIZ:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh--

JUDGE:

Please! Mr. Cooper, we must control our feelings. Now, I have studied all the facts in this case kindly supplied to me by Mr. Dabney.

LIZ:

Oh, great.

JUDGE:

And before we start, I want you all to realize that there is no problem too big to solve. Into every life a little rain must fall. Every cloud must have a silver lining. And it is always darkest before the dawn.

LIZ:

Well, now that we've had the weather report, let's get on with the case. ...

JUDGE:

Please! Mrs. Cooper, I want to start this hearing with an open mind, bearing no prejudice towards either party.

LIZ:

(DOUBTFUL) Uh huh.

JUDGE:

Now--! When did you first realize you were in love with Mr. Dabney?

LIZ:

Wait a minute! I'm not in love with Mr. Dabney!

DABNEY:

Ha! She finds me irresistible. She wrote me two valentines; she hung around the store all mornin'.

LIZ:

That wasn't because I was in love with you. I was waiting for the mailman.

JUDGE:

Please! One grimy amour at a time. ...

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Look, Judge, this is all a mix-up. I know how the whole thing happened--

JUDGE:

Please! Please, Mr. Cooper, no tears. ... Don't -- don't talk if it hurts. Let me review it for you. I'll recreate the scene. (INCREASINGLY MELODRAMATIC) You, Mrs. Cooper -- the bored, indifferent housewife, tired of your drab, humdrum life, just waiting for an opportunity to break away from it all -- and then, one day, your husband announces he must leave town, and you realize this is your chance, your opportunity to escape from this colorless, unimaginative man--!

GEORGE:

Now, just a minute!

LIZ:

Don't stop him, George. I want to see how this comes out. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, this is a lot of nonsense. There's no basis for the whole business.

JUDGE:

Are you forgetting this valentine your wife wrote to her lover?

GEORGE:

No, she wrote that to me.

JUDGE:

Oh, Mr. Cooper, you're a hard loser. ... Mrs. Cooper, I suggest you read the valentine.

LIZ:

All right. Um-- (READS) "Dear sweetheart--"

DABNEY:

That's me!

GEORGE:

That's me!

JUDGE:

Please! The way this woman operates, it could be me. ... Continue, continue, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

Thank you. (READS) "Dear sweetheart, I'm under your spell. / I love you more than tongue can tell."

DABNEY:

(TRIUMPHANT) Aha! Tongue! Fifty-nine cents a pound! ...

JUDGE:

Uh, a good point, Mr. Dabney. Continue, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

Thank you. (READS) "My lover, I have this to say-- / I care for you in the very worst way."

DABNEY:

That ought to prove it. Lover-wurst! ...

GEORGE:

No, that's just coincidence. She wrote this to her husband, not to her butcher.

JUDGE:

I must say, she writes a valentine with a lot of meat in it. ... Continue.

LIZ:

(CLEARS THROAT, READS) "My love for you is not a phony. / This valentine is-- (BEAT, DEFEATED) no baloney." ...

DABNEY:

That proves it!

JUDGE:

It certainly does.

LIZ:

(GIVES UP, DRY) Well, George, it's been nice knowing you. If you ever need any meat, come and see us. ...

GEORGE:

(PASSIONATE) Now just a minute! You're not going to get away with this! I love Liz! I've been married to her for ten years. And no judge or butcher or anyone else in the world is going to take her away from me without a fight!

LIZ:

(IMPRESSED) Why, George!

GEORGE:

Do ya understand?!

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS

JUDGE:

(GRANDLY) I'll now hand down my decision. I award the custody of Mrs. Cooper to -- Mr. Cooper.

LIZ:

Hooray! (TO GEORGE) You've got my custody!

DABNEY:

(ANGRY) Hey, what's the big idea, judge?!

JUDGE:

Well, Mr. Dabney, I think Mrs. Cooper is in love with you, but we must think of Mr. Cooper. When I give a man a chance to get rid of his wife after ten years of marriage and he doesn't take it, he's in baaaad shape. ... He needs someone to look after him. Case dismissed.

GEORGE:

Liz, I hope this'll be a lesson to you. Now, see what can happen when you start messing around in other people's affairs?

LIZ:

Yes, George.

GEORGE:

Now, this might really have been nasty and gotten spread all over the papers.

LIZ:

Oh, wouldn't that have been terrible?

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS

JUDGE:

Be quiet. Quiet, please. I must have quiet. (SMOOTHLY) You have been listening to your daily radio session in kindly Judge Skinner's Domestic Relations Court.

LIZ:

(GASPS IN HORROR)

JUDGE:

With us today were Mr. and Mrs. Cooper--

LIZ:

Oh, no, George, this whole thing's been on the air! ...

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

MY FAVORITE HUSBAND has been presented through the worldwide system of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.