Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Friend Irma
Show: Irma Wants Extra Money for Christmas
Date: Dec 16 1952

CAST:
IRMA, beautiful but very dumb
JANE, her best friend and roommate
MRS. O'REILLY, their large Irish landlady
PROFESSOR KROPOTKIN, their underweight Russian-Jewish neighbor
CLYDE, Irma's long-suffering boss
DOCTOR, who takes care of Clyde's blood pressure
HODGES, who works for Clyde
AL, Irma's no-account boyfriend
MISS WILKINS, of the Lost and Found department
WOMAN #2, of the Cosmetics department
HAWKINS, of the Tropical Fish department
WOMAN #3, unflappable customer
MAN'S VOICE
BROWN
SANTA CLAUS

1ST ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes ......

2ND ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes ......

1ST ANNCR:

America's great, new King-size Cigarettes ...

2ND ANNCR:

Bring you - MY FRIEND IRMA .......

1ST ANNCR:

Created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

JANE THEME

JANE:

You know friendship is a precious thing...and I have a friend who I dearly love..My friend Irma...How can I describe her..Physically she's very attractive..mentally she's..she's, well, as a famous Philosopher once said, "Knowledge can be a dangerous weapon"...Apply that to Irma and you have a pretty blonde beating you with a feather...Let me give you an example..The other day I was doing a bit of day dreaming and I said to Irma, "Honey, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could take a trip to France, Spain, Italy...?" And Irma said --

IRMA:

Oh, I guess those countries are alright, but personally I'd rather see Europe first.

OPENING COMMERCIAL
---


1ST ANNCR:

Well Irma is one girl who never gives you the right answer to any question but here is a question for which there is only one answer. Is your cigarette mild enough for you? Why don't you try king-size Cavalier cigarettes...for great mildness along with GREAT flavor!

2ND ANNCR:

Are Cavaliers milder? Yes, say 8 out of ten smokers interviewed who compared king-size Cavaliers with the brands they had been smoking!

1ST ANNCR:

And group after group of smokers from coast to coast agreed! At least 8 out of 10 of those interviewed said Cavaliers are milder!

2ND ANNCR:

Have a Cavalier -- America's great, new king-size cigarette!

MUSIC:

JANE:

Irma, how are you making out with that Christmas list of yours?

IRMA:

Not so good. I think I'll try it once more..Now let's see..Eight dollars, plus fourteen, plus twelve, plus seven makes ten.

JANE:

Ten? Are you sure?

IRMA:

It has to make ten, that's all the money I have...

JANE:

Look Irma, we discussed this a couple of weeks ago and I told you we were cutting down on all gifts.

IRMA:

I know Jane, but look at this article in the paper.

JANE:

What article?

IRMA:

This one here. It says, "You can earn more income in your spare time."

JANE:

Let me see. (READS) "Money is the root of all evil. Are you using the right fertilizer?" Oh no. (READS ON) "Many of our greatest people have made money on the side by using their ingenuity. You, too, can augment your fortune if, in your spare time, you will sell Mother Wilson's Mechanical Coffee Maker with the revolving percolator. Remember our slogan, "It flips while it drips".

IRMA:

Do you want to buy one, Jane?

JANE:

Now look Irma, you are not participating in any more of these "get rich schemes". Remember two years ago, you saw an ad in the paper, "Make money for the Christmas Holiday by selling boxes of Cousin Clara's Coconut Cookies."

IRMA:

That's right.

JANE:

How many boxes did you buy?

IRMA:

500.

JANE:

How many did you sell?

IRMA:

One to you and one to Al.

JANE:

Yeah.

IRMA:

But Jane, everybody makes some mistakes in business. Take the people who bought Yellowstone Park.

JANE:

Yellowstone Park?

IRMA:

Yes....All those leaks in the ground but some day they'll fix it up and it will be a nice place.

JANE:

How's that again?

IRMA:

Look Jane, if I let one failure get me down, I would never get anywhere. A person has to have ambition, drive. You know, the old American spirit, like they say, "Over the Gate in Forty-Eight."

JANE:

Where did you hear that?

IRMA:

From Al.

JANE:

Irma, that was the signal for the prison break upstate. Look cookie, every year I go through this with you and you always ignore what I have to say. Now I warn you, this year...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Janey and Irma, my two little pin ball machines. One a sure winner, the other a little tilted.

JANE:

Oh professor.

KROP:

Guess what, girls, Mrs. O'Reilly is buttering up to me so I'll give her a nice gift. She has already redecorated my room.

IRMA:

Well, I think it's wonderful of Mrs. O'Reilly to be filled with the holiday spirit. And I'm in the same mood. That's why I want to make extra money for the holiday.

KROP:

Well Irma, if you want to make extra money, why don't you take a job in a department store. They're always looking for sales girls about this time.

JANE:

She tried it last year.

KROP:

No good?

JANE:

She got stuck on the escalator for two days.

KROP:

No! What happened, Irma?

IRMA:

Well, the escalator was going down and I wanted to go up so I stood there waiting for the light to change.

JANE:

I told you that wasn't a light...that was where they sell floor lamps. Believe me Irma, you don't need any extra money for gifts. The people who love you will still love you regardless of what you give them.

KROP:

Look at me. At first I was going to fill one of Mrs. O'Reilly's stockings with candy and little presents but when I figured out the expense of hiring a dump truck and a crane, I gave it up.

IRMA:

But I feel just as this article says. (READS) "A person can make money if he or she has fun on the mantel piece."

JANE:

"Fun on a mantel piece? Let me see that. Irma, that's fundamental perseverance.

IRMA:

Well, we spell it differently.

MRS. O:

(OFF, SINGING) It takes two to tango / Two to really get the feeling of romance / Two to tango...two to tango.

KROP:

Listen to that Mrs. O'Reilly...Two to tango...she's got enough for a whole square dance.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

MRS. O:

Hello...anyone at home?

JANE:

Come in Mrs. O'Reilly.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MRS. O:

Hello girls. Excuse the dress I'm wearin', but I just wear it around the house.

KROP:

Well I don't know what you're wearing it around, but it certainly looks like a house.

MRS. O:

Oh be still. You look troubled, Irma darlin'. What's wrong?

IRMA:

I need money, Mrs. O'Reilly, could you lend me twenty dollars until New Year's?

MRS. O:

I'm sorry, Irma darlin', but I have a new singing teacher and I have to pay him more money.

JANE:

Is he any good?

MRS. O:

Oh yes. He gave me a new gargle and I'm getting wonderful results with it.

KROP:

What did he recommend, Arsenic?

MRS. O:

Why you weatherbeaten old corkscrew .. I've seen better physiques on old chicken bones.

KROP:

Is that so.. well let me tell you-

IRMA:

Please.. Let's not have any more yelling.. I have to think about what to do.

MRS. O:

What's troubling you, Irma dear?

JANE:

She's trying to figure a way of making some extra money for Christmas.

There should be lots of ways of making some extra money.. I remember when I was a little girl I used to go from door to door on Christmas and sell Mistletoe.

KROP:

When you were a girl? I didn't know caves had doors.

MRS. O:

Professor .. I'm warning you .. Christmas is the time when they hang stockings on the fireplace, they hang wreathes on the window .. and if you keep this up, I'll personally hang one on you!

JANE:

Irma, speaking of making money, you and I better get to work or we'll both be looking for jobs.

IRMA:

All right Jane, but I'm going to keep my eyes open for every chance that comes to make extra money. Oh! I just got it!

JANE:

Break it to me slowly.

IRMA:

All I have to do is memorize the line, "Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right."

JANE:

What are you talking about?

IRMA:

Well, every afternoon a man comes into our office .. takes Mr. Clyde's blood pressure and says "Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right."

MUSIC:

STINGER

CLYDE:

(OFF) Miss Peterson .. Miss Peterson, would you please come in my office.

IRMA:

Just a moment, I'll see if she's in.

CLYDE:

What?

IRMA:

She's in .. Right this way, please .. Mr. Clyde .. Miss Peterson is here.

CLYDE:

What on earth is going on here?

IRMA:

I'm being a receptionist.

CLYDE:

What for?

IRMA:

I need the extra work for Christmas.

CLYDE:

That's impossible. Do you think I'd be crazy enough to have two of you working for me? Now, let's get started.

IRMA:

(SIDE OF THE MOUTH) Okay Chief .. Whatta ya want me to do, pal?

CLYDE:

Miss Peterson .. stop leaning on my shoulder and talking in my ear.

IRMA:

(SAME AS BEFORE) Sure, pal.

CLYDE:

Will you please tell me what you're supposed to be doing?

IRMA:

(HERSELF) I'm being very confidential .. I hear a confidential secretary gets more money.

CLYDE:

They do? Well, confidentially you're getting a cut.

IRMA:

I am? Why?

CLYDE:

All account of you, I have a hospital bill to pay for Mr. Wilkins, our bookkeeper.

IRMA:

Oh no, not really.

CLYDE:

Yes. Remember when you wanted to get the ledger down off the shelf and I told you Mr. Wilkins would get you a little stand? I did not tell you to stand on Mr. Wilkins ... And may I ask you another question? What did you do with all our typing paper? It has green spots all over it.

IRMA:

Well, the box said, "Onion Skin", so I sprayed it with chlorophyll .. You'd have to look far and long before you would find another secretary that would think of that.

CLYDE:

Yes, I know. But the squirrels are so clever the way they hide them. Now, if you don't mind, would you take a letter?

IRMA:

O.K. ... I'm ready.

CLYDE:

To Robert Malone, National Derrick Company .. Dear Bob: I'm sorry I shall have to cancel our bridge date for next week but the Robertsons have had a falling out. May I suggest lunch at Farino's next week? Regards to your wife .. Sincerely, Milton J. Clyde.

IRMA:

Got it.

CLYDE:

Read it back.

IRMA:

(READS) To the Natural Derelict Company.

CLYDE:

Not derelict!! Derrick!

IRMA:

(READS) Dear Bob: In regard to your wife's bridge falling out, I -

CLYDE:

Stop or I'll shoot! Don't you say another word...

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

CLYDE:

Oh, hello Dr. White. Am I glad to see you.

DOCTOR:

Just relax. Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right. See you tomorrow. Goodbye.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

CLYDE:

Now, where were we?

IRMA:

I was going to read some more of this letter to you.

CLYDE:

Well, maybe I can take it now. Go on.

IRMA:

(READS) Dear Bob: In regard to your wife's bridge falling out, I suggest she eat Farina for lunch.

CLYDE:

(CRIES)

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

CLYDE:

Oh, hello Hodges...did you deliver that summons already?

HODGES:

Couldn't do it Mr. Clyde...I chased that guy all over that department store... it's murder.

CLYDE:

Now see here Hodges...I don't pay you to hear excuses... That summons must be served. Murdock's presence in court is vital to the case.

HODGES:

Mr. Clyde, I haven't kicked on any jobs before, but you can't find a guy who's doing part-time work in a department store a week before Christmas.

CLYDE:

But this is vital...and I'll double the fee to ten dollars under the circumstances.

IRMA:

Ten dollars?

CLYDE:

I want you to comb Lacy's from top to bottom until you find Murdock.

HODGES:

Sorry Mr. Clyde...I got too much respect for my health... You'll have to get yourself another boy...So long.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

CLYDE:

How do you like that...Oh, I guess I'll just have to serve that summons myself.

IRMA:

Why don't you give me the job, Mr. Clyde?

CLYDE:

No. The last tip we got on Silas Murdock was that he was working at Lacy's in the Tropical Plants Department.

IRMA:

Well?

CLYDE:

If you went there, someone might see your head and mistake it for a coconut.

IRMA:

Please Mr. Clyde, give me a chance.

CLYDE:

Forget it.

IRMA:

Give me one reason why I can't do it.

CLYDE:

Number one, there's more dictation...Uh, number two, there's, uh, letters to type...Miss Peterson...I convinced myself...there's too much work to get out here in the office to risk having you around. O.K., you deliver the summons!

IRMA:

Oh thank you Mr. Clyde...and don't worry...I'll find that man just as sure as Dr. Stanley found Dr. Jekyll.

ORCH:

BRIDGE.

MIDDLE COMMERCIAL
---

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Are Cavaliers milder? How do you know?

2nd ANNOUNCER:

8 out of 10 who tried them say so!

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Yes, at least 8 out of 10 smokers among thousands interviewed, who compared king-size Cavalier cigarettes with the brands they had been smoking, said Cavaliers are milder!

2nd ANNCR:

89% of the guests interviewed at Shadow Mountain Club, Palm Desert, California...and 89% of the seniors interviewed at Princeton said Cavaliers are milder!

1ST ANNCR:

Group after group of smokers from coast to coast compared king-size Cavalier cigarettes with the brands they had been smoking -- that included all the leading brands! And at least 8 out of 10 smokers interviewed said Cavaliers are milder!

2nd ANNCR:

And Cavaliers give you fresh, zestful flavor, too! Their fine, light, mild tobaccos are specially blended to bring out both flavor and mildness! So, for a new high in smoking enjoyment, try king-size Cavaliers!

1ST ANNCR:

And for a warm thank-you, give Christmas cartons of Cavaliers! The Cavalier Christmas cartons are delightfully gay...and are imprinted with their own gift card. Remember, king-size Cavaliers are priced no higher than other standard brands!

SECOND ACT
---

JANE:

Well Irma just called me and told me she's making extra money delivering a summons for Mr. Clyde. She tells me that it's very hard to get a person to accept a summons and you have to fool them so she has a wonderful idea. She's going to disguise herself as Benjamin Franklin, hand him the summons and say, "Will you please sign the Declaration of Independence?" At that moment, some wonderful telephone operator, some great humanitarian, cut us off so all I know about Irma now is that she's at Lacy's Department Store looking for Silas Murdock. And Al is down there looking for her. I have a feeling that after today, Lacy's will be glad to tear their building down and become a parking lot.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES IN STORE

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS REC. UP

WILKINS:

Lost and Found Department...What?...A little slower please...You lost your dog? A miniature French poodle... a plaid ribbon tied in a bow on his tail...red nail polish...a diamond collar with gold license tags, and he answers to the name of "Irving"??? Yes, Madame, we'll see what we can do...goodbye.

SOUND:

REC. DOWN

WILKINS:

My name is Miss Wilkins. Have you lost something, sir?

AL:

Yeah, my Chicken.

WILKINS:

Sorry, all I have is a poodle.

AL:

No, I'm looking for my girlfriend. I understand you have her here.

WILKINS:

Would you describe her?

AL:

Yeah...about five foot three...blond hair and she always has an expression in her eyes that she just took the elevator down from the eighth floor and the elevator wasn't there.

WILKINS:

Oh, yes, I think that's her sitting right over there.

AL:

Chicken!

IRMA:

Oh Al, I'm so glad you found me. I was lost.

AL:

Come on, Chicken. I want to talk to you. Thank you, ma'am.

WILKINS:

You're welcome.

IRMA:

Oh Al, give her a dollar.

AL:

Why?

IRMA:

Well, some woman just claimed a Siamese cat and gave Miss Wilkins fifty cents and I want her to think I'm important, too.

AL:

Forget it, Chicken. I want to ask you a question.

IRMA:

What is it, Al?

AL:

Why do you keep disturbing me when I have important matters?

IRMA:

Important matters? Where were you?

AL:

Home sleeping.

IRMA:

Is that important?

AL:

I should say. With this new administration coming in, I gotta be rested up in case they call me for a position in the cabinet.

IRMA:

Is that why you're still wearing your "I Like Ike" button?

AL:

Partly that, and partly because my suspenders broke ... Now what are you doing down here in the first place?

IRMA:

Well, there's a Mr. Silas Murdock who works here part time and Mr. Clyde is paying me ten dollars to deliver this summons to him.

AL:

So?

IRMA:

While I was walking through the store, I saw a sign saying, "Young ladies wanted to demonstrate cosmetics" and I can make more money that way if you'll deliver the summons.

AL:

Chicken, I ain't got time for this. I gotta take care of my new career.

IRMA:

New career?

AL:

Didn't I tell you? I've gone in the leather goods business.

IRMA:

Leather goods?

AL:

Yeah. At the football games I sit in back of the goal post and when they kick the ball back into the stands, I sell it back to them.

IRMA:

But Al, I want the extra money so I could buy you a wonderful Christmas present.

AL:

I'm always being called on to make sacrifices. All right, Chicken, hand me the summons.

IRMA:

Thank you, Al. How about taking me to dinner tonight after work?

AL:

Gee, shucks...it's against our by-laws.

IRMA:

By-laws?

AL:

Yeah. You've heard of the Brotherhood of Moose.

IRMA:

Yes.

AL:

I've just joined a new lodge, "The Brotherhood of The Arctic Circle." - we eat once every six months.

IRMA:

Oh well, if it's for something patriotic like that. I better get going. What time is it, Al?

AL:

I don't know. There must be a clock here somewhere.

IRMA:

Oh, I see one over that door. It's five-four-three-two-one. My, how time flies backward.

AL:

Chicken, that's the elevator coming down. See you later.

MUSIC:

STINGER

SOUND:

CROWD NOISES

WOMAN #2:

(GIVING SPIEL) Now, ladies, as you can see, Madam Kronkmier's cleansing cream not only freshens the skin but it gets into every pore and says, "My, there's work to be done here." As you see, Madame Kronkmier's is the only cleaning cream which contains stowilium, the wonder chemical that results from crossing steel wool with lanolin. Add to this, the essence of Madame Kronkmier's special roses grown in her own hot house and you have America's greatest cleansing cream. Ladies, don't let your complexion go to the dogs...Use Madame Kronkmier's cream and make your skin as fresh as a rose and smell just as sweet..Who'll have the first jar..only ninety-eight cents..You're crazy if you don't buy it because you can return it if you don't like it.

CAST:

I'll take one... I'd like to try it. Two please...

IRMA:

Pardon me...

WOMAN #2:

Yes?

IRMA:

I'm Irma Peterson..I was sent over to relieve you.

WOMAN #2:

Thank goodness..Business has been so good I'm just about beat. Have you memorized the spiel?

IRMA:

Oh, sure..I just read it through once and I know it by heart, as they say - verboten.

WOMAN #2:

Good...take over. I'll just stand by to see how you do.

IRMA:

Really, it isn't necessary..but if you insist. All right ladies...Step right up..Madame Kronkmier's cream is the only cream that contains the secret formula, "skin"..It cleans and really makes you smell..

WOMAN #2:

What?

IRMA:

Oh yes, like a rose..Don't forget it contains linoleum...It's also good for the paws so I guess if dogs can use it, it's good enough for you....

WOMAN #2:

Miss Peterson!

IRMA:

Buy Madame Kronkmier's and have skin like steel wool...

WOMAN #2:

Miss Peterson!!!!!

IRMA:

It's only ninety-eight cents a jar and if you buy it, you're crazy if you don't return it...My, where has everyone gone?

WOMAN #2:

I don't know, but I know where you're going. Do you see what it says on the jar?

IRMA:

Vanish.

WOMAN #2:

That's right and hurry up.

IRMA:

Oh, please, I need the extra money so badly.

WOMAN #2:

You're through. Go to the Personnel Department and tell them you're through. I'll thank you to turn in your rubber gloves.

IRMA:

All right and if anybody asks you for a reference about me, put down, "Very Willing".

MUSIC:

STINGER

IRMA:

How do you do, sir? Is this the tropical fish department? I have been assigned here.

HAWKINS:

Oh, that's all right. Nothing's gone right today.

IRMA:

Now, what are my duties? Where do I stand?

HAWKINS:

You see this tropical fish aquarium?

IRMA:

Wait, I'll get my galoshes.

HAWKINS:

No! You don't stand there...All the prices for the tropical fish are listed on the aquarium. You'll find the nets over there...when someone wants a fish you scoop it out and place it in one of those cartons filled with water and take it in the backroom and gift wrap it.

IRMA:

Oh, an idiot could do that.

MAN:

Well, let me see you in action. Here comes a customer.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

WOMAN #3:

How do you do?

IRMA:

What can I do for you?

WOMAN #3:

I would like some gold fish.

IRMA:

Yes Madam. Do you want these? These are forty cents and these are eighty cents.

WOMAN #3:

Well, the eighty cent ones don't look much larger...why are they so expensive?

IRMA:

Well, the others are gold-plated. These are solid gold. How am I doing, Mr. Hawkins?

HAWKINS:

It's Lacy's store. Let them worry.

IRMA:

Now, is there anything else you would like, Madam?

WOMAN #3:

Yes, have you angel fish?

IRMA:

Yes... Here they are..Ten dollars a pair.

WOMAN #3:

I would like one male and one female.

IRMA:

Oh, that's nice. Mr. Hawkins, how do you tell the male from the female?

HAWKINS:

Well, generally, the male chases the female.

IRMA:

That's not necessarily true. I have a girlfriend, Amber Lipscott, and she chases the fellows like mad.

HAWKINS:

Well, these are fish. They have more character. Now, in that aquarium is a male and a female.

IRMA:

All right. Anything else, Madam?

WOMAN #3:

Yes, I would like two Siamese Fighting Fish.

IRMA:

Fighting fish? Just a moment. Mr. Hawkins, do we have any Siamese Fighting Fish?

HAWKINS:

(SOTTO) No, we're all out of them.

IRMA:

Well, do we have any fish that are married and don't get along too well?

HAWKINS:

Will you please get back to your customer? That's a a big order..the biggest we have had in weeks.

IRMA:

I told you I was a great salesman. I'm sorry, Madam, we have no Siamese Fighting Fish. Anything else?

WOMAN #3:

Yes. Have you any Clown Loaches?

IRMA:

Yes, they're thirty dollars a pair.

WOMAN #3:

Well, let me have six Clown Loaches.

IRMA:

Six? That will be ninety dollars.

WOMAN #3:

I don't mind. That will be all.

IRMA:

If you'll wait just a moment, I'll go in the back room and gift wrap them.

HAWKINS:

Is there anything else you wish, Madam?

WOMAN #3:

Nothing. Your saleslady has a lovely personality.

HAWKINS:

Yes. At first I was a little worried about her. She didn't seem too intelligent. But now I think she's caught on.

IRMA:

(COMING ON) Well, here we are. It was a bit of work but now it's done. Let me know how they taste.

HAWKINS:

Idiot! You're not supposed to filet them. Get out of here! Get out of here! I'll thank you to turn in your scoop net.

IRMA:

Please, Mr. Hawkins, I need the money.

HAWKINS:

I'm not interested. Take your troubles to the Personnel Office.

IRMA:

All right. Gee, they're getting to know me real well.

MUSIC:

STINGER

JANE:

And I'll have three pair of nylons, size 9 and....

MRS. O:

Would you please make it snappy...I'm in a hurry....Janey!

JANE:

Mrs. O'Reilly and Professor. What are you doing here at Lacy's?

MRS. O:

Oh, a little Christmas shopping.

KROP:

Yes, Janey, where do you find the hammock department?

JANE:

Hammock department?

KROP:

Yes, I want to buy Mrs. O'Reilly a chin strap.

MRS. O:

Oh, don't pay any attention to him. Janey, what are you doing here?

JANE:

Well, I've been looking for Irma. They keep telling me she's in a different department and everytime I get there, she's been fired.

KROP:

Well, where is she working now?

JANE:

I haven't the least idea.

MAN'S VOICE:

Get out you idiot. You're fired.

JANE:

Oh I've got an idea. (CALLS) Oh, Irma, we're over here.

IRMA:

(COMING ON) Oh Jane, this has been a terrible day. I've just been fired again.

JANE:

Where were you working?

IRMA:

The furniture department. I was demonstrating a mattress and I fell asleep.

JANE:

Look Irma, what about the summons you were going to serve. Did you find Mr. Murdock?

IRMA:

No. Al is looking for him.

JANE:

Look honey, why don't you give up this idea of making extra money? Come on home. Nobody wants any expensive gifts.

IRMA:

I don't care. I'm determined to make good. I think I'll go back to the Women's Wear department.

JANE:

You've already been in Women's Wear?

IRMA:

Yes.

JANE:

How long?

IRMA:

Five minutes. You see, my first customer brought a raincoat and wanted to know if it was waterproof so I turned the fire hose on her...They caught her on the third floor.

AL:

(COMING ON) Hiya, Chicken. Hello, everybody.

IRMA:

Oh, Al, did you find Silas Murdock and give him the summons?

AL:

Chicken, that guy's has moved around more than you have. I've given up.

IRMA:

You see Jane, now I must make good. If I don't earn some money, this will be a black Christmas.

IRMA:

Oh, what do you mean? Al, tell her you're not counting on an expensive gift from her.....Al, are you listening?...Tell Irma you don't want an expensive present from her.

AL:

Can't hear a thing you're saying, Jane.

JANE:

Why not?

AL:

There's a ringing in my ears.

JANE:

Yeah, the sound of patrol wagons seem to stay with you. Look, Irma, I love you. I don't want to see you kill yourself over nothing.

IRMA:

But I love Al.

JANE:

That's what I said. I don't want you to kill yourself over nothing. Now, I'm going home. Are you coming with me?

IRMA:

I can't, Jane.

JANE:

O.K. You stay here with Wonder Boy. Bye.

AL:

Well, Chicken, we're all alone. Why don't you let me take you home?

IRMA:

No, Al. I'm going to see this thing through to the finish. I want to know why everybody fires me.

AL:

Well, don't they give you any reason?

IRMA:

Yes, but I can't hear what they're saying while they're throwing me through the door. So I'm going to see the president of this store.

AL:

Chicken, don't get drastic.

IRMA:

Al, I'm a woman of action. Where's his office?

AL:

It's right down there, two aisles left and one aisle right.

IRMA:

Good bye, Al.

AL:

You better give this summons back to Mr. Clyde.

IRMA:

I will. Bye.

AL:

Chicken, how about a kiss?

IRMA:

Oh, I just read in the paper that kissing spreads germs.

AL:

Okay. Goodbye.

IRMA:

Oh well, a little epidemic can't hurt things. Here.

SOUND:

KISS

AL:

Now, don't forget. Two aisles left and one aisle right. Bye.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

IRMA:

Now, did he say two aisles right and one aisle left or two aisles left and one aisle right? Gee, everytime he kisses me it does something to my head. Oh, this must be it, this long line.

SANTA:

(OFF) (HEARTY LAUGH) Merry Christmas!

IRMA:

Gee, the boss must be happy, but I can't understand why they're hiring so many children. They must be short of help. I'll just get in line.

BROWN:

Miss, what are you doing in this line?

IRMA:

I'm waiting to see the boss.

BROWN:

Well, I'm afraid you'll have to get out of this line... you see....

WILKINS:

Mr. Brown...

BROWN:

Yes, Miss Wilkins?

WILKINS:

The Personnel Department sent me over. Do you want me to take over?

BROWN:

Yes, I've got to get rid of this Santa Claus.

WILKINS:

Where did you get him?

BROWN:

Personnel sent him. His name is Silas Murdock.

IRMA:

(WHISPERS) Silas Murdock!

BROWN:

I'm going to throw him right out. Now you, Miss, will you please get out of line?

IRMA:

Why?

BROWN:

This is the Santa Claus line for children.

IRMA:

Well, I'm a child.

BROWN:

You? Why, you're as big as I am.

IRMA:

Yes, our whole family was overfed. Please, I've got to get to Santa Claus. Can't you see, Santa is waiting for me. I'm coming, Santa.

SANTA:

Well! Well! Well! My, you're a big girl. Do you want to kiss Santa?

IRMA:

All right.

SOUND:

KISS

SANTA:

Kids ain't what they were when I was young. Now, sit on my lap and tell Santa what you want.

IRMA:

All right. I want a bicycle, a doll and a yo-yo.

SANTA:

All right.

IRMA:

How will you know where to deliver it?

SANTA:

Santa knows everything.

IRMA:

Well, you may forget my address. Here it is.

SANTA:

Let me see. The State of New York versus Silas Murdock!!!!

IRMA:

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNCR:

Irma and Jane will be back in a moment.

CLOSING COMMERCIAL
---

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2ND ANNCR:

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1ST ANNCR:

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2ND ANNCR:

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1ST ANNCR:

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VIGNETTE
----

JANE:

Well, Irma served the summons and she got her ten dollars. Right now, she's out shopping for our dinner.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Oh, here she is.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

JANE:

Hello Cookie, what did you get for dinner?

IRMA:

Well, I was tired of meat so I got this for dinner. Look.

SOUND:

PAPER UNWRAPPING. FLAPPING

IRMA:

See, a five pound halibut.

JANE:

But, Irma, it's alive.

IRMA:

Look, I was fired once for filleting a fish. I'm not taking any more chances.

JANE:

Well, you know something, they say fish is brain food, so if any of you should run into Jonah and he has an extra whale, would you please tell him to mail it to My Friend Irma.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNCR:

"My Friend Irma" is a Cy Howard production and is directed by Parke Levy who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Hans Conried was heard as Professor Kropotkin, Gloria Gordon was Mrs. O'Reilly, Sid Tomack as Al, and Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde. Also included were ______________________

Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. Until next Tuesday, your friend Irma says:

IRMA:

Hope you'll always have a Cavalier nearby. King size.

ANNCR:

Bob Lemond speaking, transcribed from Hollywood and saying goodnight for Cavalier Cigarettes.