Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Easy Aces
Show: Jane Goes to a Psychiatrist
Date: circa 1940s

MUSIC:

Theme up, and then under for (theme: Manhattan Serenade by Louis Alter and Harold Adamson)--

Announcer:

It's time again for EASY ACES, starring Jane and Goodman Ace.

MUSIC:

Theme back up briefly, then under for?

Announcer:

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MUSIC:

Theme back up and then fade for?

Ace:

Well, I tried to stop her, but Jane insisted she had to go to a psychiatrist. After a week of visits, and with a little rest and care, I'm happy to announce that the psychiatrist will be out in a few months. Psychoanalysis, you know, was developed by Freud, late in the nineteenth century. But it never got popular until it was taken over by Fox in the Twentieth Century. Jane's interest in the couch started the other day when she met by boss's wife, Mrs. Norris, on the street and they had a chat about psychoanalysis. Went something like this:

Margaret:

Well, Mrs. Ace, good morning.

Jane:

Oh hello, Mrs. Norris. Long face, no see.

Margaret:

Yes. Where are you going, my dear?

Jane:

Just fine.

Margaret:

Well, how've you been?

Jane:

Just up to the corner to match this material for a dress.

Margaret:

That's good.

Jane:

I hardly recognized you, Mrs. Norris, it's that sweater you're wearing, I guess.

Margaret:

Oh, my sweater. Do you like it?

Jane:

You look stunned.

Margaret:

My dear, I've never worn a sweater before I started going to my psychoanalyst. He told me my subconscious mind kept me from wearing it and he made me get rid of my inhibitions. He did a good job on me, I can tell you that.

Jane:

Oh yes, he certainly fitted it well.

Margaret:

His name is Dr. Montel.

Jane:

Dr. Who?

Margaret:

Montel ? M-o-n-t-e-l. He adjusts all your mental conflicts. It's done wonders for me, my dear. Every night I offer up thanks for Freud.
Jane: For who?

Margaret:

Freud. F-r-e-u-d. He's the man who founded psychoanalysis. Oh, what Dr. Montel could do for you, my dear. He'll tell you everything that's on your mind.

Jane:

Well, all I have on my mind now is this material I wanta get matched for a dress...

Margaret:

Oh no, I mean on your subconscious mind. Things you don't even know are there yourself. For instance: look at me and Jonathan. He's as a devoted a husband as you'll find anywhere. And still, in spite of all his devotion, it has left me ? shall I say apathetic?

Jane:

All right.

Margaret:

Last week, for instance, he said to me, "Margaret," he said, "you're certainly looking well." It was then I realized I had to go see a psychoanalyst. Because my subconscious mind said to me, "Yes, he thinks you look well now, but how long will he think you look well?" That's when I went to see Dr. Montel. And what he's done for me. He told me what makes me tick. My dear, you simply must go to him at once.

Jane:

First I have to get this material matched for a dress...

Margaret:

Oh, I don't mean this minute. You'll have to make an appointment. He's so busy, and so handsome. You can see what he's done for my mental conflicts.

Jane:

Yes, you're so cheerful and so ravenous looking in that sweater ? maybe I will go.

Margaret:

Tell him I sent you. Do remember the name?

Jane:

Oh sure, Mrs. Norris.

Margaret:

No, I mean the doctor's name. Dr. Montel.

Jane:

Oh yes, F-r-e-u-d.

Music bridge

Ace:

All through dinner that evening I noticed there was something on Jane's ? if you'll pardon the four letter word ? mind. And after dinner she sat there staring into space ? so I sat there staring into space. We stared into each other's space. And finally she said:

Jane:

Dear, how do I look to you?

Ace:

Vapid.

Jane:

Yes, but how long will Il look that way?

Ace:

Well, according to insurance statistics, your life expectancy is about...

Jane:

No, you're getting off the subject. Do I look good to you? That's what I want to know. Now come on, I want your candied opinion.

Ace:

My candied opinion is that you look very sweet. Wonderful.

Jane:

Oh my, I've got it too.

Ace:

I beg your pardon? What have you got?

Jane:

Mental conflicts. M-e-n-t-a-l...

Ace:

Isn't that awful? What are you talking about?

Jane:

I'm going to a psychoanalyst first thing in the morning.

Ace:

To a psychoanalyst? Jane, you amaze me.

Jane:

Not now, dear. Let me tell you why I decided to go to him. This morning I ran into Mrs. Norris.

Ace:

Hard, I trust.

Jane:

And she told me she's been going to him ? and you should see what he's done for her. She's wearing a sweater.

Ace:

She went to a psychiatrist so she could wear a...

Jane:

She got rid of all her exhibitions.

Ace:

Not in a sweater, she didn't.
Jane: And just now when you said to me how wonderful I look, it left me, shall I say, apathetic?

Ace:

Apathetic?

Jane:

A-p-a-t...


Ace:

Will you stop spelling at me? I know apathetic. And your not going to a psychoanalyst.

Jane:

He doesn't give you a medicine, you know...

Ace:

I know ? I know.

Jane:

I tell him what's on my mind, and he tells me what's on my mind.

Ace:

Jane, he wouldn't have a target.

Jane:

Don't you understand, dear, when you told me just now I look wonderful, and I felt shall I say apathetic, that means something.

Ace:

It means you look wonderful.

Jane:

Yes, but how long will you think I look wonderful?

Ace:

How long?

Jane:

See, even you're beginning to wonder.

Ace:

No I'm not! Jane, we have no money to throw away on foolishness like that. They're expensive.

Jane:

Yes but look what he does for you. He told Mrs. Norris all about herself ? told her what makes her thick.

Ace:

And she is. Jane, if you go to this guy you'll wind up in a straightjacket.

Jane:

Well, if he fits it for me as well as he did her sweater...

Ace:

He will ? he will.

Music bridge
Ace: So the next morning Jane got up bright and early and went to see the psychoanalyst. Correction ? the next morning Jane got up early and went to see the psychoanalyst. The doctor was ready for her with pencil and couch:

Montel:

And you say Mrs. Norris sent you to see me?

Jane:

Yes, she did, Dr. Montel.

Montel:

Mrs. Norris ? oh yes, she had a deep-seated neurosis. Why will people permit their neurosis to become so deep-seated? If they would only come to me earlier.

Jane:

Well, you said eleven-thirty, Dr. Montel.

Montel:

Mrs. Ace, for your first visit I'll take your case history. Are you comfortable on that couch?

Jane:

Oh this is fine, thank you. I like your office ? everything Mrs. Norris told me about you is certainly true, Dr. Montel. She said you were handsome.

Montel:

Really?. Well, now, I...

Jane:

And may I return the compliment and say I think you're handsome too.

Montel:

Well now ? so much for the doctor. Let's get tot the patient. Tell me about yourself, Mrs. Ace.

Jane:

Well, I wouldn't say I'm handsome exactly. But my husband thinks I...

Montel:

Let's not discuss your husband for our first visit. Let's stick to you. Tell me, how do you feel?generally, I mean?

Jane:

Well, physically ? if you'll pardon the expression ? I feel fine. But it's the mental conflicts that get me.

Montel:

What mental conflicts?

Jane:

Like when my husband said last night that I look wonderful; my unconscious said, "How long will I look that way?"

Montel:

Ah ha.

Jane:

Ah ha.

Montel:

Something on the order of Mrs. Norris' anxiety neurosis. Well, I see I'll have to prescribe for you the same as I did for her.

Jane:

Yes, I guess so. Except that I want a much smaller size than she does.

Montel:

What?

Jane:

What what?

Montel:

Uh, Mrs. Ace, tell me, how long have you had these thoughts when someone compliments you on your appearance?

Jane:

Since I saw Mrs. Norris yesterday.

Montel:

Oh, then I'm sure yours is a mild case and I can cure you in this one visit.

Jane:

But if I'm always going to say 'How long' to myself...

Montel:

You won't always say that. I'm sure you won't. Mrs. Ace, I think you are a very charming woman.

Ace:

Well, thank you, Dr. Montel. I guess it's this new blouse I'm wearing...

Montel:

There, you see ? you accepted my flattery without a single thought to the contrary passing through your mind.

Jane:

Yes, sir, I did.

Montel:

You're cured, Mrs. Ace. It was a simple case. You don't a psychoanalyst. But I'm glad you got here when you did. Most people wait until it's too late.

Jane:

Well, I'm glad I got here at the psychopathic moment.

Montel:

Yes. And there are too many more important cases in these troubled ti ? these troubled ? what did you say? When? You got here at what moment?

Jane:

The psychopathic moment.

Montel:

Psychopathic...
Jane: Yes. Well, goodbye, Doctor ? how much do I owe...

Montel:

No ? no ? just a moment ? lie back please.

Jane:

What happened?

Montel:

Say that again. You got here when? Say it.

Jane:

Dr. Montel, you're scaring me ? you're getting my bearings bawled up.

Montel:

Getting your what?

Jane:

Doctor, let me up ? you're making a mountain out of Mohammad.

Montel:

A mountain out of Mohammad.

Jane:

Is something wrong?

Montel:

Lie back, Mrs Ace. You're a most interesting case.

Jane:

I am, huh? I had a tuition there was gonna be trouble in the offering.

Montel:

Tuition ? hmm ? offering ? yes, most interesting. Mrs. Ace, there is some force at work on your mind, which telegraphs twisted and hastily visualized words to your tongue. What is that force? That's what I want to find out. In the interest of research would you come to me for an hour every day and tell me the story of your life from as far back as you can remember? Just one hour every day. Will you come?

Jane:

Sure, if you think I have to.

Montel:

Yes ? yes. Very interesting case. We'll have our first hour now ? lie back, Mrs. Ace, and tell me the story of your life, from as far back as you can remember.

Jane:

Well, let me see, I'll start with my five years in high school.

Montel:

Four years, Mrs. Ace.

Jane:

Not me, Doctor.

Musical bridge






Ace:

That night I refused to listen to anything Jane had to say about her visit to the psychoanalyst. But Jane found an interested audience in her mother, who is now living on us ? with us. I oughta tell you about Jane's poor mother. She's in the last stages of a big appetite. She's been to every doctor in New York, including one veterinarian in Flushing. That was the day she said she was sick as a dog. And she takes dozens of different medicines. There's one medicine she takes every hour on the hour. It's Cuttee ? Sark ? some Indian remedy, something like that. So when Jane mentioned having gone to a doctor, her mother looked up quickly and said:

Mother:

So the doctor said you've got psychoanalysis? It sounds exciting, Janie. Did he give a prescription?

Jane:

No, mother, he's not like the doctors that give you medicine, and take X-rays, and put you in an oxydol tent.

Mother:

What kind of a doctor is that?

Jane:

He's a psychoanalyst. He cures the mental conflicts, and he makes you happy.

Mother:

Well, if it makes you happy to be happy, be happy. Personally any doctor who won't give you medicine is a fraud.

Jane:

That's right, F-r-e-u-d. He tells me what's on my mind. He can see right into my brain. Dear, now you stop that.

Ace:

I didn't say anything.

Jane:

Well, I don't like your altitude about this whole thing. Stay out of this.

Ace:

I don't like your spending money on psychoanalysis.

Mother:

Money ? after all what is money for, if not to spend on doctors. I always say it's better to be well for one day than sick for two weeks.

Jane:

I'm not sick, Mother. Look, here's the whole thing in a nut house...
Mother: Just tell me about the doctor, Janie. He sounds very interesting.

Jane:

A good question, Mother, and the answer is he certainly is. And the handsomest you ever saw ? with office to match. Tall ? dark brown hair.

Ace:

I've always wanted a tall office with dark brown hair.

Jane:

And when he smiles ? oh boy.

Ace:

No teeth?

Jane:

Dear, what did I tell you?

Ace:

You said stay out of it.

Jane:

Well do it. Where was I?

Mother:

The doctor, Janie. Does he have a regular doctor's office?

Jane:

Oh sure, like every doctor's office. Young nurse, old magazines. And you have to lie back on this couch je has there and talk to him. There's a table on either side of the couch ? on one table cigars ? on the other cigarettes. And he says to me, lie down and relapse, so I did. And he said, I want you to tell me the story of your life from as far back as you can remember. You can smoke if you want to, he said. So I took a cigar and started to talk.

Ace:

Took a cigar?

Jane:

It's in my bag. I'll give it to you later.

Ace:

Oh. For me.

Jane:

You see I'm always thinking of you, and you sit there making sarcastic remarks.

Mother:

So what did you talk to him about? Did you tell him where it hurts you?

Jane:

Oh no, Mother, I told him about what I did when I was in high school. It wasn't very interesting. He yawned a couple of times, but I can take a hint. So tomorrow when I go, I'm gonna make up a story to tell him.

Ace:

Make up a story?




Jane:

Well, I certainly not gonna sit there boring him for a full hour every day. So tomorrow, I'm going to make up a story out of who wheat. He said it's a good thing I went to him early as I did. Most people wait until it's too late. Like Mrs. Norris for instance ? do you want me to become deep-seated like Mrs. Norris?

Ace:

No, Jane, that I don't.

Musical bridge

Ace:

Well, this is Friday, the day Jane hurried down to the psychoanalyst's office to continue telling him the story of her life ? only she noticed he yawned through most of the story she told him yesterday, so today she has made up a lot of exciting things that didn't happen to hold his interest. This is the day which will set back psychoanalysis twenty-five years, one which became known in medical circles as Black Freudday.

Montel:

That's it, Mrs. Ace, just lie back and relax and we'll take up where we left off yesterday. I hope we can do as well today as we did during our first hour.

Jane:

Oh, this is gonna be a thriller-diller, Doctor Montel.

Montel:

Yes. Let's take it from after your high school graduation.

Jane:

Yes. Well, sir, doctor ? oh, you're gonna like this ? it was the summer I graduated. The heat was on. And we were driving home from a party. Sally Anderson and I and two fellows. The fellow she was with later left town. The fellow I was with later became Mr. Ace, my husband. You see, Sally and I always double-dated. We've been insufferable friends for years.

Montel:

Insufferable. Ah-ha!

Jane:

Oh yes, always together like a couple of simonized twins.

Montel:

Simonized. Yes, go on.

Jane:

Yes, sir. Well we were in the car and one of the boys was driving. The one in front. I was in front with him. Sally was in back with the other one. We were singing and laughing ? "Shine On, Harvest Moon" ? you know how school kids are, foolface and fancy free.

Montel:

Foolface. Ah-ha.

Jane:

Yes, you know ? just out for a good time ? not wild or anything like that. Or would you prefer wild?

Montel:

What's that?

Jane:

No, I guess you wouldn't. Well, we were driving along when alongside our car came another car ? and in that car was another boy I used to go with and he was jealous that I was out with Mr. Ace who later became my husband. So I leaned over to Sally in the front seat and I said, "Isn't that Roy?" And she said...

Montel:

Just a moment, Mrs. Ace ? you said before you were in the front seat.

Jane:

Did I? Well, she leaned over to me in the front seat and I said, "Isn't that Roy?" Is that better?

Montel:

Yes, I believe it is.

Jane:

And Sally said, "Yes, I believe it is." Well, Roy was so mad I was out with Mr. Ace who later became my husband that he wasn't watching where he was driving and he almost bumped into us ? he looked kinda wild ? almost besmerk, you might say.

Montel:

Ah-ha.

Jane:

Ah-ha. So Mr. Ace, the one who later became my husband, started to drive faster to get away from him. And pretty soon we were both going so fast ? Well, I'll tell you how fast we were going ? We were twelve miles from town and would you believe we made it in eight miles?

Montel:

You ? made ? it ? in eight ? miles.

Jane:

Eight miles if I'm a day. And then to clap the climax we suddenly heard the whistle of a train coming around the hill. Oh, I forgot to tell you there was a hill ? around the bend ? and we had to cross the tracks. But there we were, going like bats out of a belfry.

Montel:

Belfry. Yes.



Jane:

And we were so fast we couldn't stop ? and the train was going even faster ? we couldn't hear the train whistle ? whoo whoo ? and we were going, "Oh, oh." ? we all knew that is something didn't happen this was the end. Well, good-bye doctor. I'll see you tomorrow.

Montel:

Wait a minute ? what happened?

Jane:

My hour is up doctor ? to be continued tomorrow.

MUSIC:

Bridge

Ace:

Well, the story Jane made up out of whole wheat turned out to be a serial. While Doctor Montel was hurrying over to see his psychoanalyst, Jane rushed home to tell her mother and me what had happened on her second visit to the good doctor's office.

Jane:

Well, sir, dear, he didn't yawn today. I told him a story about being in a car with you, who later became Mr. Ace, my husband, and a train was coming around the hill and it looked like it was gonna hit the car ? and then I stopped. Well, you could have knocked him over with a fender.

Ace:

You mean to say you told him the story up to that point and walked out?

Jane:

Well, I haven't figured up the finish yet.

Ace:

Isn't that awful.

Mother:

But Janie, I don't understand ? didn't the doctor even examine you for bruises you might have gotten in the accident with the train?

Jane:

Oh no, Mother ? you don't understand ? he isn't that kind of a doctor. He's a doctor for mental conflicts.

Mother:

Mental conflicts? I never had those, Janie ? it is anything like dizzy spells?

Jane:

Oh no ? mental conflicts. It's for people who worry.

Mother:

Worry. Who doesn't worry? Except my sister, your Aunt Wilma. She used to worry all the time. And then one day she decided to stop worrying, and overnight her hair turned brown.

Jane:

Mother, maybe you better come with me to see Dr. Montel.

Ace:

I lost track here. Jane, you're not going back there tomorrow?

Jane:

Oh, I have to go back ? I have to figure out a finish for that story and tell it to him. Wait a minute ? tomorrow I can't go. I took some material to the dressmaker the other day ? I have to go for a fitting. Dear?

Ace:

What?

Jane:

You'll have to go in my place.

Ace:

You want me to go be psychoanalyzed in your place?

Jane:

Unless you wanna go in my place to the dressmaker for a fitting.

Ace:

Yes, I will go, Jane. I want to visit that doctor. Maybe I can help him.

MUSIC:

Bridge

Ace:

The next morning I went to see Dr. Montel. His office was just as Jane had described it, tall, dark, brown, and I was greeted by a nurse in a short leather seat, at a desk.

Nurse:

Good morning. May I help you?

Ace:

I want to see Dr. Montel.

Nurse:

Do you have an appointment?

Ace:

Yes ? eleven o'clock.

Nurse:

What's the name?

Ace:

Mrs. Ace.

Nurse:

Oh yes ? I have it in my book right here. (Pause) Mrs. Ace?

Ace:

Yes. Jane Ace.

Nurse:

Oh, to be sure. Well ? well, the doctor will see you in a minute. Won't you have a chair, Mrs. Ace?

Ace:

No, no, you don't understand ? you see ? oh well. Yes, thank you. I'll sit right here.

Nurse:

No, no, not here. Over there against the wall. That's it, Mrs. Ace ? just relax ? the doctor will be with you in a moment. Don't get excited ? don't be nervous. Everything's going to be all right.

Ace:

I'm not excited. I'm not nervous.

Nurse:

That's right ? just relax. The doctor will buzz when he's ready for you.

Ace:

Thank you.

Nurse:

Ha-ha. Yes.

Ace:

Ha-ha. Yes.

(Silence)

 

Nurse:

Well, you're looking well today, Mrs. Ace.

Ace:

It's just this makeup.

Nurse:

Pancake?

Ace:

Well, no thank you. I just had breakfast.

Nurse:

Uh ? the doctor will see you in just a moment, Mrs. Ace. Would you like to look at this magazine?

Ace:

Well, yes, I don't mind.

Nurse:

No, no, don't get up. I'll slide it over to you across the floor.

Ace:

Oh, thank you. Oh, the Ladies Home Journal, yes.

Nurse:

Yes. There are lovely new dress designs in this month's issue.

Ace:

That reminds me ? I wonder how I'm making out with that dress I'm having fitted over at the dressmaker's?
Nurse: You're having a fitting at the dressmaker's later on, Mrs. Ace?

Ace:

No, I'm over there being fitted now.

Nurse:

The doctor will see you in just a moment, Mrs. Ace.

Ace:

Thank you. Yes, I have to go to the dressmaker for everything. I just simply can't find my size in ready-mades. Even hose, I have to have 'em made special.

Nurse:

Me, too, Mrs. Ace. And the nylons they sell you these days. This morning I put on a brand new pair of nylons and no sooner did I get here when I got a run all the way up to here.

Ace:

Really? Up to where?

Nurse:

Look, Mrs. Ace ? all the way up to...

SFX:

Buzzer sounds

Nurse:

Oh, the doctor will see you right now, Mrs. Ace.

Ace:

Now he sees me. This is psychoanalysis?

Nurse:

Go right in.

Ace:

Thank you. It's been nice almost seeing you.

Nurse:

Remember me to Mr. Ace.

Montel:

Come, come in, Mrs. Ace.

SFX:

Door closes

Montel:

Well, I'm happy to ? who are you?

Ace:

I'm Mr. Ace.

Montel:

Oh, you're the one who later became Mr. Ace.

Ace:

What goes on here? Yes, I'm Mr. Ace ? she couldn't make it today.

Montel:

Oh no, oh no. I was hoping she would come. I've been on pins and cushions since left here. I've been going besmerk.

Ace:

Besmerk.

Montel:

I've been trying to write a paper on her history ? but my bearings are all bawled up.

Ace:

Oh, brother.

Montel:

Even my wife can't understand what's happened to me ? and we've been insufferable companions for years.

Ace:

Murder.

Montel:

I've always been so foolface and fancy free.

Ace:

Look, Ja ? doctor. I don't want my wife coming here anymore. Will you please tell ?

Montel:

Not come here anymore? She built the story up to the psychopathic moment and then she walked out. She's got to tell me what happened ? you were in the car ? you can tell me ? you were speeding along in your car ? brbrbrbr ? the train was coming around the hill ? whoo whoo ? you couldn't stop ? the train couldn't stop ? what happened?

Ace:

We were killed.

Montel:

Oh, thank you, Mr. Ace. Thank goodness. You took a load off my ? you were killed?

Ace:

Look, Doctor...

Montel:

Interesting case. Lie down, Mr. Ace.

Ace:

Me?

Montel:

Very interesting. Now I want you to tell me the story of your life from as far back as you can remember.

Ace:

Well, I was born in a Wild West show at the age of three.

Montel:

Ah-ha.

MUSIC:

Bridge

Ace:

That doctor will never forget that hour, if he lives to be twelve years old. I fixed his wagon ? because (fade) the very next day in his office...

Montel:

That's right ? just lie back comfortably and relax. Now, I want you to continue the story from where we left off.
(The next two speeches are read simultaneously)

Jane:

Well, after we got out of the train wreck, the boy who later became Mr. Ace, my husband-
Ace: Well, doc, after I got out of the Wild West show, I decided to become

an Indian? Jane: Dear, please, you're pushing me off the couch.

Ace:

Well, move over Jane ? I gotta have some room.

Jane:

Move up a little ? the palms of your feet are hanging over the end of the couch.

Ace:

I can't move over. You push over a little.

Jane:

I can't, there's no room.

Ace:

Well, somebody's gotta move.

Mother:

All right children, if it makes you happy for me to move, I'll move.

MUSIC:

Theme up, then under for ?

Announcer:

Easy Aces are brought to you by the makers of Anacin, the remarkable tablets that give effective and fast relief from pains due to headache, neuralgia or neuritis. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, it's a combination of medically proven and highly regarded ingredients, not just one. And you know a doctors prescription usually contains more than one ingredient. That's why your dentist or physician, at some time or another, may have given you an envelope containing Anacin tablets. So the next time your in pain from a headache, neuralgia or neuritis remember Anacin. A-N-A-C-I-N. In tins of 12 and 30 and bottles of 50 and 100 tablets at any drug store.

Join us again Saturday night when the makers of Anacin bring you another visit with Jane and Goodman Ace, the EASY ACES.

MUSIC:

Theme and play out.

Announcer:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

SFX:

NBC chimes