Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Abbott and Costello
Show: Lion Hunting
Date: Mar 20 1940

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

C-A-M-E-L-S!

ANNOUNCER:

That's right, folks!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

C for comedy!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

A for Abbott!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

M for Maxwell!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

E for Ennis!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

L for Lou Costello!

(MUSICAL STING)

 

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, they spell "Camels" -- your taste will tell you about Camels' rich full flavor! Your throat will welcome Camels' cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight's show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello!

APPLAUSE, MUSIC

BUD:

Hey, Costello! Costello! Costello!

APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER

BUD:

Will you listen to me, please? Uh, did you go hunting with your Uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?

LOU:

What'd you say?

BUD:

I say, did you go hunting with your uncle Artie Stebbins last Saturday?

LOU:

Yeah and a terrible thing happened. A great big bear sneaked up behind us, grabbed Uncle Artie's gun out of his hands and stuck it in his back.

BUD:

What did Uncle Artie do?

LOU:

What could he do? He married the bear's daughter.

BUD:

Eh--!

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Never mind that. Did you see any -- did you see any big game?

LOU:

I saw a giraffe but I didn't shoot him. He had a sore throat.

BUD:

Well, there's nothing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat.

LOU:

Oh, yes there is.

BUD:

Wh-what?

LOU:

A centipede with corns.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

You dummy. I didn't think you'd ever -- I didn't think you ever went hunting in your life and I don't believe you did. I bet you haven't even got a hunting license.

LOU:

I have, too. Here it is.

BUD:

Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is no hunting license. This is a picture of Hedy Lamarr.

LOU:

You hunt what you like and I'll hunt what I like.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

You a hunter! Why, that's ridiculous.

LOU:

Oh, yeah? My brother-in-law used to hunt alligators.

BUD:

Alligators?

LOU:

Yeah. One time an alligator was just about to attack my brother-in-law. I fired off both barrels of my trusty rifle.

BUD:

Did you kill the alligator?

LOU:

See this wallet?

BUD:

Genuine alligator?

LOU:

No. Genuine brother-in-law.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Talk sense! Come here, look at this. You see this picture? Now, I caught all these rabbits last winter. Now, how many would you say there are?

LOU (quickly):

Eight hundred and seventy-six.

BUD (amazed):

That's exactly right. Wait a minute. How did you guess it?

LOU:

Oh, I just count the legs and divide by four.

BUD:

I--

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Costello, haven't you ever been in Afric-- in Africa on, er, safari.

LOU:

No, but I've been in New York on safari.

BUD:

Eh--! A safari in New York?

LOU:

Yeah, the Staten Island Sa-Ferry.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

And also the Hoboken Sa-Ferry.

BUD:

Aw, now, come on, that's ridiculous.

LOU:

There's lots of safaris around there.

BUD:

Hey, listen to me, though. You should have been with me on my elephant hunt. Oh, there I was, surrounded by elephants. One big bull elephant started towards me. I said to myself, "I'm trapped! Abbott, you're trapped! Should I run or stand here and shoot the bull?"

LOU:

You been doin' all right up to now.

BUD:

All right, all right.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Well, I shot him. The elephant fell and broke a tusk.

LOU:

Broke a what?

BUD:

A tusk, tusk.

LOU:

Tusk, tusk to you, too, and a couple o' pooh-poohs!

LAUGHTER

BUD:

A tusk is valuable. We use fifty thousand elephants a year just to make billiard balls.

LOU:

My! How do they train those big clumsy beasts to do such delicate work?

HARDLY ANY LAUGHTER

BUD:

I can see you-- I can see you know nothing about elephants.

LOU:

I once hunted elephants in India -- with an old acquaintance of mine. And a elephant sat on him. Someday I gotta go back there.

BUD:

Why?

LOU:

To scrape up an old acquaintance.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Hey, Abbott, hey, Abbott, did you ever shoot a zebra?

BUD:

Yes, I did.

LOU:

Could I have that zebra skin?

BUD:

Aw, what do you want with a zebra skin?

LOU:

My Aunt Minnie is in Alcatraz and she needs a new fur coat.

BUD:

Aw...

MILD LAUGHTER

BUD:

That's silly, Costello. However, I have a stuffed rhinoceros you can have. Course, you know what a rhinoceros is, don't you?

LOU:

Oh, sure. That's a hippopotamus with a radiator cap.

BUD:

Naw...

LAUGHTER

LOU:

(to the audience) Now, come on out there! I know you're breathing!

BUD:

All right, all right ...

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Costello, this is the last week of the big game hunting season. Now, tomorrow I'm going hunting in the High Sierras and I'd like you to come along with me.

LOU:

Oh, gee, thanks, Abbott. Say, you've done a lot of huntin'. What do they call those little flies that buzz around the animals?

BUD:

Gnats.

LOU:

I asked you a civil question.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

What do they call those little flies?

BUD:

Gnats. Gnats.

LOU:

Gnats to you, too, brother!

BUD:

No, no, no, you dummy...

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Gnats are the flies that annoy the animals. Of course, some of them have ticks.

LOU:

Why don't they take the ticks and give those flies a good thrashing?

BUD:

I didn't say "sticks," I said "ticks"! For instance, there's deer's ticks.

LOU:

The deer ticks?

BUD:

Uh, certainly, deer ticks.

LOU:

Who wound 'em up?

BUD:

Aw, nobody wound 'em up.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Then what makes 'em tick? Somebody must've slipped a grume in his gruel.

BUD:

Costello... when I say...

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Listen to me, please. When I say "deer ticks" I don't mean the deer ticks. I mean, deer ticks .

LOU:

Abbott, let me smell your breath.

BUD:

Aw, come on, please, talk sense.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

The deer has ticks and the ticks bother the deer.

LOU:

They used to bother me when I went to school.

BUD:

Ticks bothered you in school?

LOU:

Yeah. Arithme-tics ... Mathema-tics...

LAUGHTER

LOU:

And, one time, a tick got me in trouble with the teacher.

BUD:

Aw, now, wait a minute, how could a tick get you in trouble with the teacher?

LOU:

(child's voice) I ticked my tongue out at the teacher and she twounced the tweat of my twousers with a twap! Now...?

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Costello....

APPLAUSE

BUD:

Look, Lou, I-I-I'm talking about animal ticks. Hundreds of animals in the woods have ticks.

LOU:

That must be a pretty sound ... when hundreds of animals get together and they all start tickin' at once.

LITTLE LAUGHTER

BUD:

Naw, no, listen, Costello, listen to me. Deer have ticks. Elks have ticks. And, one time, my father shot a moose with ticks. Now do you know what I'm talking about?

LOU:

Sure, your father's moose ticks!

BUD:

Aw, now...

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Cos-- Costello, you-- you're getting more stupid every day. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know what to say to you. I've tried and I've tried to improve your mind but I just can't seem to get anywhere.

LOU:

Why don't you face it, Abbott? You're a failure.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC IN

ANNOUNCER:

And here, for Camel cigarettes, is Skinnay Ennis and the boys with "For Sentimental Reasons" -- Skinnay on the vocal.

SKINNAY (sings):

I love you for sentimental reasons

I hope you do believe me

I'll give you my heart

I love you and you alone were meant for me

Please give your loving heart to me

And say we'll never part

I think of you every morning

Dream of you every night

Darling, I'm never lonely

Whenever you're in sight

I love you for sentimental reasons

I hope you do believe me

I've given you my heart

(instrumental break)

 

I love you for sentimental reasons

I hope you do believe me

I've given you my heart

APPLAUSE, MUSIC ENDS

ANNOUNCER:

The pages of American history are illumined by the names of doctors who worked unceasingly to overcome disease and to make life happier and more secure for humanity. The makers of Camels are pardonably proud of the standing of this cigarette among doctors. A nationwide survey of doctors' cigarette preferences was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of one hundred thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety-seven doctors -- doctors in every field of medicine: "What cigarette do you smoke, Doctor?" The brand named most was Camel. Yes ...

FILTERED VOICE:

... according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

MUSIC IN AND OUT

LOU:

Well, here I am, Abbott. And I'm all ready to go hunting with you up in the mountains.

BUD:

Ah, that's fine, Costello. How is your hunting equipment?

LOU:

I got the best, Abbott. Look, Cornel Wilde's old address book.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Costello, hunting ... hunting is a serious sport. Now, suppose you came face to face with a big bruin. What would you do?

LOU:

Ask him for a ticket to the Rose Bowl game.

BUD:

Aww...

LAUGHTER

BUD:

You know, Marilyn Maxwell and Skinnay Ennis are going to meet us at the hunting lodge. And I hope you brought something along.

LOU:

I did. I brought a quart of bourbon in case somebody gets the chills. What are you bringing, Abbott?

BUD:

Mmm... the chills.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Costello, did you bring a gun?

LOU:

Why, yes. Here it is. This is my sawed-off shotgun.

BUD:

Wait a minute. Where is the handle?

LOU:

How do you like that? I sawed off the wrong end.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Well, come on, Costello, Marilyn and Skinnay are waiting for us at the hunting lodge in the mountains, let's go.

MUSICAL BRIDGE

SKINNAY (with a southern drawl):

Hiya, Fat, Flabby and Flat-Headed!

BUD:

Aw, now, wait a minute. Don't insult Costello, Skinnay. Don't be a pill.

LOU:

Skinnay ain't no pill. He's too long and narrow.

LAUGHTER

SKINNAY:

Well, thank you, Costello.

LOU:

You're a capsule!

LAUGHTER

LOU:

You're a funny-lookin' hunter, Skinnay. Do you know anything about guns?

SKINNAY:

I know guns inside and out. Why, man, when I was a kid with the circus, they used to shoot me out of an air rifle.

PAUSE, NO LAUGHTER

SKINNAY:

What do you know about ...?

MILD LAUGHTER

SKINNAY:

What do you know about huntin', Costello?

LOU:

Have you seen that big bear rug in my living room?

SKINNAY:

Sure.

LOU:

Well, I shot that bear myself. What a battle! It was either me or the bear.

SKINNAY:

Well, I'm glad it was the bear. You'd make an awful lumpy rug.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Hey, look, Costello, here comes Marilyn Maxwell.

MARILYN:

Hiya, boys!

WOLF WHISTLE

MARILYN:

And hello, Lois-- Louis, honey, my chubby little chucklin' chipmunk.

LOU:

Aw, Marilyn, my sugar-coated sharpshooter.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Plug me with the buckshot of your kisses.

MARILYN:

Awww. Louis, honey, how do you like my hunting outfit? Saks Fifth Avenue.

LOU:

Get a load of mine. Army Surplus.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Aw, Louis, it's gonna be fun hunting with you. What's your favorite wild game?

LOU:

Post Office.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Louis! Louis, Post Office isn't a wild game.

LOU:

It is the way I play it.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Aw, Louis, my little snow man. Come melt in my arms.

LOU:

Gee, Marilyn, when I'm close to you like this I just can't seem to break away.

MARILYN:

Why not?

LOU:

My nose is caught in the trigger of your shotgun.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Well, Louis, if you'll excuse me, I'll go up to the hunting lodge and freshen up. As they say in Spanish, "Ma?ana [o ya] noches" to you.

LOU:

And your mama's own nightshirt to you, too. Ha ha ha ha -- ha ha!

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Hey, Costello, Costello. Look up on that mountaintop. Now, there's a mother stork and two little storks.

LOU:

Yeah, Abbott. Can I ask you a question?

BUD:

Well, certainly.

LOU:

When the mama stork talks things over with the little storks, who does she say brings the babies?

NO LAUGHTER, JOKE LAYS AN EGG

SKINNAY:

Help! Help!

GAME WARDEN:

Beg pardon, pardners. Is there a skinny hombre in your party?

BUD:

Uh, yes, there is. Why?

WARDEN:

Well, you'd better go over thar and get him. A gopher just dragged him down into its hole.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Uh, who are you, stranger?

WARDEN:

I'm the game warden.

LOU:

Yeah? What's your game, Warden?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WARDEN:

You want to know mah game, partner? I'll yell ya! It's parchesi!

MILD LAUGHTER

WARDEN:

But bein' up here in the wild country so much, I trained three little skunks to play bridge with me.

LOU:

Is it a steep game?

WARDEN:

No, we only play for a tenth of a (s)cent. Huh haah!

STUNNED LAUGHTER

BUD:

Uh, Warden, we're after some big game. Have you seen any hereabouts?

LOU:

Hereabouts? Abbott, I thought we came up here to shoot deer. I wouldn't shoot a poor little hereabouts for anything in the world.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Anybody that would shoot a little hereabouts and make a widow out of a she-abouts ought to be ashamed of themselves.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Oh, shut up, you idiot. Uh, how about it, Warden? Is there any big game around here?

WARDEN:

Well, there's a ferocious mountain lion that has been terrorizin' the countryside. He's been killin' the farmers' chickens and he's even been stealin' eggs.

LOU:

At the price eggs are now, I don't blame him.

LAUGHTER

WARDEN:

There's a reward of a thousand dollars to the man that gets that mountain lion. One of you boys ought to trap him.

LOU:

Which one of us would you suggest?

WARDEN:

Why don't you try, Tubby? You've got the biggest trap. Huh haah!

LAUGHTER

VOICES HOWLING IN PAIN:

Ooooh! Ow! Oooh! Don't beat us anymore! Oh, no! Don't beat us anymore, please! Please, don't beat us anymore!

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Hey, who are those guys?

WARDEN:

That's the Nebraska football team!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE [Under coach Bernie Masterson, the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers football team went 5-13-0 (.278) in 1946-47.]

WARDEN:

Now, remember, if you shoot that lion, I'll give you a thousand dollars for his skin. I need it to make stockings.

LOU:

What kind of stockings can you make out of lion's skin?

WARDEN:

Ny-lion stockings! Huh haah!

LAUGHTER

WARDEN:

So long, Lard Head!

LAUGHTER

GROWLING SOUNDS

SKINNAY:

Hey! Hey, you hear that, fellas? The lion's just north of us.

LOU:

Which way's south?

BUD:

Eh--!

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Come here, you coward. You're afraid. You're not afraid to take a chance. You understand?

LOU:

Yeah.

BUD:

Now, take this cane. You see it?

LOU:

Yeah.

BUD:

The lion won't bite you if you're carrying a cane.

LOU:

Yeah, but how fast do I have to be carryin' the cane?

LAUGHTER

LOU:

I ain't monkeyin' around with no lions, Abbott. The last time I saw a lion was in the Adirondack Mountains.

BUD:

What happened?

LOU:

I snapped at the lion. Then the lion snapped at me. And then somethin' whizzed past.

SKINNAY:

What was it?

LOU:

Kansas City.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

Sh. Quiet. I hear something. Listen.

MALE VOICE:

I love you, ouch!

FEMALE VOICE:

I love you, ouch!

MALE VOICE:

I love you, ouch!

FEMALE VOICE:

I love you, ouch!

BUD:

Costello, what was that?

LOU:

Two porcupines -- necking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC IN

ANNOUNCER:

Camel cigarettes bring you the lovely Marilyn Maxwell from M-G-M, producers of their Academy Award contender, "The Yearling." Accompanied by the Four Hits, Marilyn sings "Blue Skies":

MARILYN (sings):

Blue skies smiling at me

Nothing but blue skies do I see

Bluebirds singing a song

Nothing but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shining so bright

Never saw things going so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothing but blue skies from now on

Never saw the sun shining so bright

Never saw things going so right

Noticing the days hurrying by

When you're in love, my how they fly

Don't, don't you fade away, blue skies!

Blue days, all of them gone

Nothing but blue skies from now on

Nothing but blue skies from now on

APPLAUSE, MUSIC OUT

ANNOUNCER:

When you take your first puff from a Camel cigarette, there's a delighted response from your T-Zone. That's T for Taste and T for Throat, the proving ground for any cigarette. Your taste and your throat tell you you've made a wise selection. See how choice tobaccos, superbly blended and properly aged, give Camels a rich, mellow flavor that's extra delightful to your taste. See if Camels own cool mildness isn't exactly what you've always wanted to suit your throat. Yes, millions say, "Camels suit my T-Zone to a tee." You know a nationwide survey of doctors' cigarette preferences was recently made. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of one hundred thirteen thousand five hundred and ninety-seven doctors: "What cigarette do you smoke, Doctor?" The brand named most was Camel. Yes ...

FILTERED VOICE:

... according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

MUSIC IN AND OUT

GROWLING NOISES

BUD:

All right, Costello. All right, now, take it easy, kid, I'm right in back of ya. Don't worry about me. Here's the mouth of the cave. Now, go in there. That's a pal for ya. I let you go in and get the lion, didn't I?

LOU:

You want me to go in and get the lion?

BUD:

Certainly, I'm your friend.

LOU:

Why don't you go in and get the lion?

BUD:

Aw, what do you mean? You want me to go in? I have a family.

LOU:

Oh. What I got?

BUD:

Never mind what you've got. You go ahead in and get that lion.

LOU:

Okay.

SKINNAY:

Hey, what's the matter? You scared? Look at you. Your knees are knockin'.

LOU:

I always knock before I enter a cave.

LAUGHTER

GROWLING

BUD:

Take it easy. Buck up, Costello. And, remember, make the lion believe you're not afraid of him.

LOU:

I couldn't be that deceitful.

LAUGHTER

BUD:

You've got to think of those poor people who've lost their cattle and their chickens and their eggs on account of that lion. How can you face them, Costello? Think of it! How can you face them ... when they may be starving?

LOU:

How can I face that lion? He may be starving, too.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Oh, there you are, Louis, honey. Oh, I'm so proud of you. I know you're going in that cave and kill that lion just for me.

LOU:

I am?

MARILYN:

Yes. And, Louis, honey, I'd do anything for you. Why, I'd climb the highest mountain. I'd swim the deepest river.

LOU:

How do you like that? Here I am facing death and this dame is gonna go out climbing and swimming.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Okay. I'll go in. But if that lion runs out, don't nobody shoot at him.

BUD:

Why not?

LOU:

I may be inside of him.

LAUGHTER

MUSICAL BRIDGE:

WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?

SOUND FX:

A SLIGHT ECHO ON THE VOICES TO INDICATE CAVE INTERIOR

LOU:

Gee, it's certainly dark in this lion's cave.

NANCE VOICE:

Why don't you light a match?

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Who said that?

NANCE VOICE:

It's me. The lion.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

What do you know? A talkin' lion. I gotta -- I gotta tell Abbott, Skinnay, and Marilyn about this.

NANCE:

Oh, no, no, you must never tell anyone. I'm a hermit and I just hate people.

LAUGHTER

NANCE:

I wear this lion skin to scare them away. I live in this cave all alone.

LOU:

How'd you find this cave with all the housing shortage?

NANCE:

I subleased it from a bear that went on the road with a skating act.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

You must get lonesome here all alone. Why don't you get a roommate?

NANCE:

I had a roommate. An elk. And then the meat shortage came along ...

LAUGHTER

LOU:

You mean that, uh, ...?

NANCE:

You see this tooth hanging on this watch chain?

LOU:

Yeah.

NANCE:

Well, it ain't mine!

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Look, Mr. Hermit, my girl is outside. I promised her I'd bring out the lion. Give me that lion skin and I'll take it out there and everybody'll think you're dead and nobody will bother you any more.

NANCE:

Here, take the skin. Oh, goody, goody! Now, I can be a real hermit and then I won't be bothered by Lucille Ball, Betty Grable, or Marilyn Maxwell.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Gee, do they call you?

NANCE:

No! That's what bothers me!

LAUGHTER

ECHO OUT, MUSIC IN

BUD:

Say, look! Here comes Costello out of the cave.

MARILYN:

Oh, my hero! Look, he has the lion's skin!

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

Who is the greatest hunter of them all?

"Bring 'Em Back Alive" Costello!

MARILYN (sings):

When there is danger, who's the one they call?

"Bring 'Em Back Alive" Costello!

LOU (sings):

Once I found a baby leopard - with milk I filled his tummy

And then in some Egyptian tomb I helped him find his mummy

LAUGHTER

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

He taught Tarzan everything he knows

When in danger, he's not yellow

MARILYN (sings):

Who looks dapper in his hunting clothes?

No one but my handsome fellow

LOU (sings):

One day I caught a tiger - I wasn't even tryin'

And in the movie house I caught a Metro-Goldwyn lion

LAUGHTER

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

Brave, yes, indeedy - a threat to Clyde Beatty

The greatest hunter of them all

MUSIC PAUSES

BUD:

Costello.

LOU:

Yeah?

BUD:

You've hunted a lot of big game. Tell me, did you ever hunt bear?

LOU:

I can't, Abbott. The bushes tickle me.

LAUGHTER

LOU:

Once I saw a mink, though. I saw a mink playin' in the woods...

MUSIC IN

LOU:

I picked 'im up and I said to him...

(sings, to the tune of "Laugh, Clown, Laugh")

 

Though you'll be a coat for Lana Turner

Laugh, mink, laugh

Though you'll be a lovely hat for Myrna

Laugh, mink, laaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings):

At Cyril's you'll have the best table

Think of those cold nights with Bettyyyyyyy ... Shapiro!

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings):

When you're on display at Bullock's Wilshire

Giggle, mink, giggle

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings):

All your cares will vanish if your tail will Wiggle, mink, wigglllllllle, minnnnnnnk!

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings):

And don't be depressed - keep your skin up

When you see Frank Buck, just laaaaaaugh

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings):

Laaaaaugh!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

LAUGHTER

LOU (sings high note):

Laaaaaugh!

LAUGHTER, SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE

MARILYN:

Aw, Louis, honey, my brave adventurer. Some day you must take me hunting with you.

LOU:

I will, Marilyn, my love. And you can ride on my papa jackass.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

A papa jackass?

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Well, how do you know he's married?

LOU:

All jackasses are married.

LAUGHTER

MARILYN:

Oh, my hero. Let's celebrate tonight. We'll go to the smartest restaurant for dinner, see the best show in town, and then visit all the swanky nightclubs.

MUSIC IN

MARILYN:

Then, I'll kiss you good night and ...

LOU (squeals with delight):

Oooohh.

MARILYN (sings "After You've Gone"):

After you've gone and left me cryin'

After you've gone, there's no denyin'

How lonesome I'll be

There's no one I'll see ...

LOU (sings):

Until she finds another sucker like me!

LAUGHTER

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

Who knows his jungles better than a book?

"Bring 'Em Back Alive" Costello!

MARILYN (sings):

Who'll charm a snake with one hypnotic look?

"Bring 'Em Back Alive" Costello!

LOU (sings):

I caught a baby penguin - he looked so awful cute

I haven't got the penguin but I'm wearing his dress suit!

LAUGHTER

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

Who makes the wildest trapper look so tame?

No one else but Lou Costello

MARILYN (sings):

He makes the others hang their heads in shame

He's so groovy, he's so mellow!

LOU (sings):

I've captured famous animals from every living herd

I even caught a De-troit Tiger sliding into third!

LAUGHTER

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

Brave, yes, indeedy - a threat to Clyde Beatty

The greatest hunter of them all

LOU:

Heyyy, Abbooooooott!

THE FOUR HITS (singing):

The greatest hunter of them all

SONG ENDS, PROLONGED APPLAUSE

LOU:

Oh, boy. What a tough battle. But I won. Hey, Abbott, there is the lion's skin.

BUD:

Wait a minute, Costello. There's something phony about this. Turn that skin over. Ah ha! I thought so! There's a label on that lion's skin, Costello. Come on -- read it!

LOU:

Eastern Columbia, Broadway at Night!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, MUSIC IN AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment for Camel cigarettes.

2ND ANNOUNCER:

During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than one hundred and fifty million free Camels to our fighting men overseas. Now, free Camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week the Camels go to Veteran's Hospital, Atlanta, Georgia; U.S. Army Valley Forge General Hospital, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania; U.S. Naval Hospital, Newport, Rhode Island; U.S. Marine Hospital, Staten Island, New York; and Veteran's Hospital, San Fernando, California.

ANNOUNCER:

Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week, are re-broadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And here are Abbott and Costello with a final word.

BUD:

By the way, Costello, the December tenth issue of Look Magazine has printed the pictures of your big barbecue party for the kids.

LOU:

Yes, did you see it, Abbott?

BUD (angry):

I did! I saw your picture, your wife's picture, your kids' pictures, and my picture! But I didn't see my wife Betty's picture! And I know they took Betty's picture! Now, where's my wife's picture? Why wasn't it in there?

LOU:

Well, the fella that took your wife's picture couldn't develop it.

BUD:

Why not?

LOU:

He was afraid to go into the dark room with it alone!

BUD:

Aw, good night, folks!

LOU:

Nyaaah!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, MUSIC IN AND OUT

PRINCE ALBERT ANNOUNCER:

More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other smoking tobacco. And that's a perfect guide to your choice of a Christmas gift for any pipe smoker. Prince Albert, naturally. Prince Albert's rich, full-bodied flavor and cool mildness spell Christmas joy because they spell lasting smoking joy. Trim-cut to burn cool and even, specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. That's Prince Albert. Give the big pound package of Prince Albert with its special Christmas wrapping to all the pipe smokers on your list. Be sure to hear Prince Albert's "Grand Ole Opry" Saturday night. Red Foley, the new singing sensation, sings American folk songs in a way that'll make your heart beat faster. Remember, Saturday night on NBC, "Grand Ole Opry" with Red Foley, the Duke of Paducah, and Minnie Pearl!

MUSIC IN

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel cigarettes. And, remember, try Camels in your T-Zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a tee. And, remember, too, that giving a carton of Camels is a specially warm-hearted way to say "Merry Christmas" to all smokers on your gift list.

THE FOUR HITS:

(singing) C-A-M-E-L-S!

ANNOUNCER:

This is Jim Doyle in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels. Thursday night is another all-star night on NBC. Stay tuned for "The Eddie Cantor Show" which follows immediately over most of these stations.

(APPLAUSE)

 

NETWORK ANNOUNCER:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

(MUSIC OUT)