Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Jack Oakie College
Show: with Robert Benchley, Judy Garland, Benny Goodman
Date: May 11 1937

JACK OAKIE COLLEGE
(REVISED)
MAY 11, 1937


ROUTINE

---

GOODWIN INTO "ZA ZU ZAZ" CHORUS AND ORCHESTRA

OPENING ANNOUNCEMENT

GOODWIN TO: OAKIE, NICKEL, STOLL, DAYTON, KIDS TO: "SEPTEMBER IN THE RAIN" CHORUS AND ORCHESTRA

OAKIE, DAYTON, BRAYTON, NICKEL, KIDS TO: SCENE IN NEV YORK

HOLLYWOOD DIALOGUE, IMMEDIATELY BACK TO: GOODMAN INTRODUCING

"ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND" GOODMAN ORCHESTRA

DIALOGUE TO SECOND NUMBER

"BLUE HAWAII" GOODMAN

DIALOGUE AND CUE BACK TO: OAKIE.

FIRST COMMERCIAL

OAKIS, KIDS, NICKEL, POLLY, BENCHLEY,

DAYTON, INTO: "MINSTREL SHOW" OAKIE, CHORUS AND ORCHESTRA

SECOND COMMERCIAL

"EPHUS HALL SONG"

STATION BREAK

OAKIE AND JUDY TO: "TRAILING ALONG IN A TRAILER" JUDY AND ORCHESTRA

THIRD COMMERCIAL

OAKIE TO: ROBERT BENCHLEY SPOT

OAKIE TO: GOODMAN, TWO NUMBERS

"SWEET SUE" - QUARTET

"NEW BABY" GOODMAN ORCHESTRA

P.A. COMMERCIAL

COMPANY FINALE

CLOSING

---

GOODWIN:

Get a lift with a Camel!

CHORUS:

(CHEER)

A-Za-Zu-Zaz

A-Za-Zu-Zaz!

A-Za-Zu-Zaz and a Razza-ma-taz!

GIRLS:

We're the kids from Oakie College.....

BOYS:

Don't give two hoots for knowledge....

ALL:

(SING) Here's the only thing we know.

TILTON:

Ho, ho. Baby...Ho, ho, ho!

ALL (SHOUT)Sing it! (BAND:

BREAK)

Sting it! (BAND:

BREAK)

Swing it! (BAND:

BREAK)

(SING) Three cheers for Oakie College!

Rah! Rah! Ray!

(CHEERS....APPLAUSE .....ETC.)

 

(ORCHESTRA: "OAKIE FIGHT SONG")

 

(FF SIX BARS. THEN FADE)

 

GOODWIN:

(OVER MUSIC) Jack Oakie College. Presented each Tuesday night by the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, makers of Camel Cigarettes.

An hour of painless education, under President Jack Oakie, Professor Benny Goodman and his swing band, and Doctor Georgie Stoll and his orchestra. Tonight, the Oakie Campus welcomes the world famous humorist and comedian, Robert Benchley. You'll also meet Judy Garland, Al Shaw and Sam Lee, and the Oakie College Glee Club, directed by Myer Alexander.

("FIGHT SONG" UP TO FINISH.....CHEERS)

 

GOODWIN:

And now here we are in Crooner's Hall, the music building of the Oakie Campus, with President Oakie, Professor Stoll, and the Oakie Glee Club.

OAKIE:

Morning, Glee Club.

KIDS:

Morning, Prez!

OAKIE:

Hi, Stolly!

STOLL:

I'm fine, Prez, but you look a little tired today.

OAKIE:

That's me!

STOLL:

Gee! What are those terrific bags under your eyes?

OAKIE:

That's me, too! Stolly, I couldn't sleep all night, tryin' to remember a song. You know that doggone thing -- (WHISTLES FIRST FIFTEEN NOTES OP "WHISTLER AND HIS DOG") -- You know that?

STOLL:

Sure! That's "The Whistler and His Dog". (FIDDLES SAME PHRASE, VERY FAST)

OAKIE:

That's it! That's it! But how does the next part go? That's what's got me crazy.

STOLL:

It's very simple. I'll play it for you in just a second. I want to set this new song with the Glee Club first. It's called "September In the Rain".

OAKIE:

I can wait. Go ahead and rain, kids!

STOLL:

Okay. One --

DAYTON:

(COMING IN) Where's President Oakie?

OAKIE:

Oh, Dean Dayton! (DOOR SHUT) I'm right here, Dean, what's a trouble?

DAYTON:

I must talk to you at once on a very urgent matter....

OAKIE:

Be with you in two minutes. Dean. Just sit down and listen to the Glee Club.

DAYTON:

I can't wait.

OAKIE:

Just one song.

DAYTON:

....Oh! (HE GURGLES IN PROTEST)

OAKIE:

(AS HE GURGLES) Now Dean, cool off. Go ahead, Stolly, and soothe the savage Dean.

STOLL:

Okay.... one, two....

("SEPTEMBER IN THE RAIN"_________GLEE CLUB)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

OAKIE:

I think you've got something there, Myer. That was lovely, children. Wonderful, Stolly. Now play me that other one, will you?
(WHISTLES FIRST FIFTEEN NOTES)

DAYTON:

President Oakie! I must talk to you, now! --

OAKIE:

Aw, just a minute. Dean, This won't take a second.

DAYTON:

Now!

OAKIE:

Please, Deanie....

DAYTON:

NOW!

OAKIE :

You mean now?

DAYTON:

Yes.

OAKIE:

All right. Wait a minute, Stolly. My dear Dean Dayton, what's on your mind?

DAYTON:

It can only be discussed in your office. Shall we go at once?

OAKIE:

All right. All right. See you later, Stolly. So long, kids!

(DOOR OPENS)

 

KIDS:

So long....Good-bye, Prez. (ETC.)

STOLL:

Bye!

(DOOR SHUT)

 

OAKIE:

(STARTS TO WHISTLE)

DAYTON:

Mr. Oakie. I beg of you --

OAKIE:

You know that song. Dean?

DAYTON:

Of course I do. - What song?

OAKIE:

(STARTS TO WHISTLE SONG AGAIN)

DAYTON:

Mr. Oakie! There's a very serious disciplinary case waiting for you in your office. It is up to you to punish this young lady, and I feel certain that when you have examined her record you will agree with me that expulsion is the only course

OAKIE:

Expulsion? Look here, Dean, you know I'm against it.

DAYTON:

I know. In this ease, however, the Committee for Improving the Present Undergraduate, has taken a hand. Mrs. Muffleberry who is chairman of the committee, is in full possession of the facts, and you cannot fly in Mrs. Muffleberry's face.

OAKIE:

I can't fly at all. Dean.

DAYTON:

Don't quibble. Here is the girl's record. I presume you will find her waiting for you, and I advise you not to flinch.

OAKIE:

Flinch? Not me, Dean. I come from a long line of non-flinchers. Well, here we are. So long, kid.

(DOOR OPENS)

 

DAYTON:

(OFF) Good-bye.

OAKIE:

(SOTTO VOCE) Miss Nickel!

NICKEL:

(SOTTO) Yes sir.

OAKIE:

Is there someone waiting in my office?

NICKEL:

Yes sir -- a lady.

OAKIE:

That's where you're wrong, honey. That dame in there is probably one of the naughtiest coeds that ever came to Oakie College, and I'm gonna tell her off.

NICKEL:

She doesn't look like that, sir. She looks more like the committee type.

OAKIE:

Miss Nickel, don't try to sway my judgement. (DOOR OPENS)

Ah - good morning. (DOOR SHUTS)

BRAYTON:

Good morning, Mr. Oakie.

OAKIE:

She sounds guilty, all right. Where's that paper? Oh - here. Oyez, oyez. Listen to me, sweetheart.

BRAYTON:

I beg your pardon?

OAKIE:

Now, don't try to act uptown with me, honey. You'll only make it tougher for yourself.

BRAYTON:

Why.....

OAKIE:

Wait a minute . . . Wait till I read the charges. You is charged with coming home to the dormitory last Friday at three A.M., in the morning and throwing pop bottles through the house-mother's window.

BRAYTON:

Mr. Oakie, you don't understand.....

OAKIE:

No red herrings, now. (HE TAKES A, BREATH, THEN READS FAST)It appears that on this same evening you drove your car up the steps of Ephus Hall, painted a green beard on the statueof Ebenezer Ephus, and told a traffic cop he was nothin' but a baboon with brass buttons. (BLOW OUT BREATH) Sister, you really pinned one on, didn't you.

BRAYTON:

Mr. Oakie, I will have you know that I am not the culprit!

OAKIE:

Now, don't try to shove the blame off, on someone else. You been pretty bad, kid you understand, and I hereby expel you from Oakie College. That is all.

BRAYTON:

No it is not all! It happens that I am not a student in your college, but the chairman of the C.I.P.U.

OAKIE:

C.I.P.U.?

BRAYTON:

Committee for Improving the Present Undergraduate.

OAKIE:

Oh yeah. It was the C.I. that threw me off. You're Mrs. Sniffleberry, then, I take it?

BRAYTON:

Muffleberry.

OAKIE:

I beg your pardon, honey, but if you're Mrs. Miffleberry, who am I supposed to fire?

BRAYTON:

The girl's name is Polly Dawson.

OAKIE:

Polly Dawson -- I gotta go through all that again?

BRAYTON:

Surely. Expulsion is only what she deserves. Why don't you have Miss Dawson brought in and dispose of her case at once?

OAKIE:

Mrs. Truffleberry, I never fire anyone before an audience, If you'll excuse me....

BRAYTON:

I'll go. But remember to do your duty!

OAKIE:

Madam, around here they call me the one man firing squad. Good morning!

(DOOR OPENS)

 

BRAYTON :

Good-bye!

(DOOR SHUTS)

 

OAKIE:

(WHISTLES LONG PICK UP NOTE) Nope. (CALLS) Miss Nickel!

(DOOR OPENS) I say, Miss Nickel.

NICKEL:

(CALLING) Yes sir!

OAKIE:

(CALLING) Is there a naughty girl out there?

NICKEL:

(CALLING) But you -- No sir, there's no girls out here, but me!

OAKIE:

(CALLING) You ain't the type. I'm expecting a gal named... What's that girl's name. . . Polly Dawson If she comes in, tell her to wait.

NICKEL:

(CALLING) Have the naughty girl wait?

OAKIE:

That's right, have the naughty girl wait. I've got to see Benny Goodman about something very important.

NICKEL:

(CALLING) Okay.

(DOOR OPEN AMD SHUT)

 

(WE HEAR HIS FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE)

 

OAKIE:

(WHISTLES FIRST FIFTEEN NOTES)

I wonder if the doggone song has any words. (SINGS) Oh -- Rinky pinkity pinky doo -- da rinky pinky doo.... I give up. Maybe Benny will know.

(DOOR OPENS...WE HEAR KIDS CHATTERING)

 

GIRL:

(OVER CHATTER) Aw, Benny, how about "Dinah"?

BOY:

How about "I Got Rhythm"?

OAKIE:

Wait a minute, kids. I got something that I want Benny to play. (CHATTER OUT) Benny, I been losin' sleep over a tune called "The Whistler and His Dog". Could you play it for me?

(CUE TWO-A TO NEW YORK)

 

GOODMAN:

Why, Prez, I'll be glad to play it for you if we've got an arrangement of it, but I don't know. Say, Harry -- have we got an arrangement of "Whistler and His Dog"?

HARRY:

Lemme see. No, I don't believe we've got it here.

GOODMAN:

Aw shucks. Prez, we don't seem to have it here now. but we'll be glad to play it for you later.

(CUE TWO-B TO HOLLYWOOD)

 

OAKIE:

Doggone!

(CHATTER FROM KIDS)

 

GIRL:

How about "Swing High, Swing Low"?

SECOND GIRL:

Come on, Benny, play something!

OAKIE:

Quiet, you kids ! (CHATTER OUT) I guess you might as well play for 'em, Benny.

(CUE THREE "A" TO NEW YORK)

 

GOODMAN:

Okay, Prez. We'll start off with "Alexanders Ragtime Band.

(REACTION FROM KIDS)

 

("ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND" GOODMAN ORCHESTRA)

 

(CHATTER)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

GOODMAN:

Well - what do, you ..want now?

BOY:

How about "Blue Hawaii?"

(OTHER KIDS AD LIB APPROVAL)

 

GOODMAN:

All right, boys, let's let 'em have it.

("BLUE HAWAII"________GOODMAN )

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

(CHATTER. CRIES OF "MORE". "GIVE US ANOTHER" ETC)

 

GOODMAN:

No. kids, that's all for now. I gotta go. So long - so long. Prez!

(CUE THREE "B" TO HOLLYWOOD)

 

OAKIE:

So long, Benny boy!

KIDS:

So long, Benny !

OAKIE :

All right, kids, you've had your fun. Now what?

FIRST GIRL:

Mr, Oakie, we need your help in settling an argument.

OAKIE:

I can't settle no arguments today, honey. Let Doctor Goodwin settle it, Helen. How are you. Doctor?

GOODWIN:

Hello, I'm fine, Prez. - I'm all ready to settle an argument, too.

Here is a fact about cigarettes that stands out. It's short and simple: CAMEL Cigarettes are made from finer, MORE EXPENSIVE TOBACCOS -- both Turkish and Domestic -- than any other popular brand. That, clear forthright statement means a lot! It stands to reason that nothing can take the place of naturally mild, ripe costly tobaccos -- nothing can equal their goodness. CAMEL'S fine taste - CAMEL'S mildness - CAMEL'S fragrance -- all set this cigarette apart in a class by itself. That's why people say: "I'd walk a mile for a CAMEL." Millions more are paid for the finer tobaccos you enjoy in CAMELS. So why not make CAMEL your cigarette?

OAKIE:

Well, I guess that settles the argument, that argument, doesn't it, kids?

GIRL:

Oh, there's no argument about that! We're arguing about a show we want to put on.

OAKIE:

A show! Can't settle it now. Say, come over to my office and I'll take care of it a little later. I gotta get back there and tend to a little discipline.

BOY:

(FADING) All right, we'll b3 over in two minutes.

OAKIE:

(CALLING) Okay, kids. (WE HEAR HIS FOOTSTEPS)

(HE WHISTLES THE PICK UP NOTE...THEN WHISTLES "LOVE IN BLOOM") Ho hum! (DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS) (CALLING) Miss Nickel!

NICKEL:

(OFF) Yes, Mr. Oakie?

OAKIE:

(CALLING) Is that naughty girl here yet?

NICKEL:

(CALLING) Well, there's a girl waiting.

OAKIE:

(CALLING) Send her in, I can tell.

NICKEL:

(CALLING) Yes sir! (NORMAL VOICE) In here please, Miss.

POLLY:

(OFF) Thank you. (DOOR SHUTS) Mr. Oakie.

OAKIE:

That's me!

POLLY:

I'm the naughty girl.

OAKIE :

Well I do declare. Sit down here. - Now ain't you 'shamed?

POLLY:

Yes sir.

OAKIE :

Tsk tsk. Did you really do all the things they got here in this paper?

POLLY:

I'm afraid so. Are you going to expel me?

OAKIE:

I expelled you once already. But you wasn't here, so I guess it don't count. I don't know what to do, here, I really don't.

(HE WHISTLES FIRST FIFTEEN NOTES)

 

POLLY:

(SINGS) Teedle toot toot tootle tee dee toe tee, toe tootle too toot tee too!

OAKIE:

That's it! Do you know the rest of it?

POLLY:

Sure!

OAKIE :

Great! Say - how would you like to whistle it with me?

POLLY:

All right! (THEY START) (DOOR OPENS)

NICKEL:

Mr. Oakie.

OAKIE:

Don't bother me. (WHISTLING STOPS)

NICKEL:

Mr. Oakie!

OAKIE:

Go away!

NICKEL:

Professor Benchley is here.

OAKIE:

Listen, we can't be bothered. - Oh, wait a minute. Can he whistle? Hello, Robert. Can you whistle. Professor Benchley?

BENCHLEY:

(COMES IN... LAUGHS) Why, that all depends on the tune.

OAKIE:

Don't get too close to the naughty girl -

"The Whistler and His Dog". Everybody knows that!

BENCHLEY:

Oh, sure. Well - are we ready?

POLLY:

Yes!

OAKIE:

Okay, Let's go. One, two. (THEY WHISTLE THE WHOLE THING) You're flat, Benchley!

(AT FINISH, DOG WHISTLE)

 

BENCHLEY:

(BARKS)

(THEY ARE ALL LAUGHING WHEN DAYTON BUSTS IN)

 

DAYTON:

President Oakie! Is this your idea of discipline? And who is this miserable crony you've picked up?

OAKIE:

Miserable crony? that's the eminent Professor Benchley, Dean Dayton.

DAYTON:

Oh!

BENCHLEY:

How are you, Dean?

DAYTON:

I'm happy to meet you,

OAKIE:

Yeah, he's always happy. Listen, Deanie, I was just gonna start disciplining this young lady here when Professor Benchley arrived, but I'll take care of her right away.

DAYTON:

Very well. Excuse me. (DOOR OPEN AND SHUT)

BENCHLEY:

Lovely personality.

OAKIE:

Oh, he's a cute kid! But I will have to speak harshly to this young lady.

POLLY:

Oh - you haven't forgotten?

OAKIE:

Not me! Miss Dawson, you broke every rule in this college in ONE evening. Now it pains me deeply to say this - but the next least little thing you do wrong -- out you go!

POLLY:

Oh, Mr. Oakie, I'll be good!

BENCHLEY:

Aw, gee!

OAKIE:

Take it easy, Professor. Say, Miss Dawson, why don't you take Professor Benchley out and show him the campus?

POLLY:

I'd love to! I'm sure I won't get into any mischief with him!

BENCHLEY:

Thank you.

OAKIE:

You can always tell.

You're welcome. See you in Ephus Hall tonight. Professor.

BENCHLEY:

OK - so long!

POLLY:

Good-bye!

(DOOR OPEN AND SHUT)

 

OAKIE :

(CALLS) Miss Nickel! Send in that bunch of stoonts there that wants to see me!

NICKEL:

(CALLS) Okay, here they come!

(DOOR. . .CHATTER)

 

OAKIE:

Sound like a bunch of cattle. . . Quiet now, stoonts. What's the beef about the show?

GIRL:

Well, half of us want to do a musical comedy, and half of us want to do a minstrel show.

OAKIE:

Minstrel show! Now you're talkin'! Who's against the minstrel idea?

BOY:

Plenty of us! Minstrel shows are no good.

GIRL:

I think they're swell!

OAKIE:

Listen, kids. I'll bet every one of you that ever saw a minstrel show is for it. Is that right?

BOY:

That may be it, I guess.

GIRL:

Well, I never saw one, and I never want to!

OAKIE:

Now, wait a minute. I want to tell you buys and girls something.

"THE MINSTREL SHOW"

(BELL NOTE)

 

OAKIE:

When I was just a kid I loved to go

To see the Minstrels in a Minstrel show

Why good old Mr. Tambo and Mr. Bones

(BREAK) How I used to love those slide trombones...

To hear the rhythm of their shufflin' feet

As they marched down our street - - Ah, boy

What a picture they made

When they would swing in line....

They would always parade

If it was rain or shine...

Those boys were always out there.

And how those Minstrel men could really blow

(TWELVE BARS "UNDER THE DOUBLE EAGLE"...BAND)

 

(PICK UP LAST EIGHT)

 

The kids all loved it so

And everyone would go

To see that good old Minstrel show!

(VAMP)

 

OAKIE:

(SPOKEN TO MUSIC)

When you kids said you'd never even seen a Minstrel show

It made me think that there were things

That maybe you should know....

Why, kids, the Minstrels were the ones

Who taught the world to sing....

And that was long before they ever had a thing

called swing.

There was Primrose -- Honey Boy Evans -

Lots o' names you wouldn't know,...

And Eddie Leonard -- what a Minstrel!

I can hear him singin' low:

(SEGUE: "IDA". .SIXTEEN BARS A LA EDDIE LEONARD)

 

BILLY GREEN:

(SING IT SOFT AND EASY)

Ida - sweet as apple apple ci - wi - wi - der

(Ta-twa-twa-twa-twa-twa-twa)

 

Sweeter than all I know - Oh!

Ida, you know I idolize (hi--hi-ize) ya

Because I love ya Ida

Yes, indeed I do....(Whoo whoo)

FIRST GIRL:

Gee, that was swell!

FIRST BOY:

Those musta been the good old days!

(STRINGS; REPRISE "IDA" BACKGROUND)

 

OAKIE:

Kids, I'm gonna let you in on something ---- I used to be in a Minstrel show myself when I was just a punk.

KIDS:

You did? Honest, Mr. Oakie? Gee!

OAKIE:

Yes sir, I got my first stage job as an "end man" in a Minstrel show. I'll never forget the day that our show played my home town. What a thrill for me!

(ORCHESTRA: OUT)

 

OAKIE:

Why, I'll never forget the parade. Marching down Main Street from the hotel to the opera house. I remember it just as clear as if it was yesterday.

(FADE IN BAND PLAYING "GEORGIA CAMP MEETING" OR "CAKE WALK")

 

(CROWD FADES IN YELLING AND CHEERING AS BACKGROUND)

 

OAKIE:

(OVER MUSIC AND EFFECTS)

What a parade that was! Down Main Street....flags waving....people cheering....band playing! And what uniforms we had! Lavender silk top hats - pink satin trousers and white coats with tails. Why, I felt like a million dollars! Marching past Muckle's Dry Goods Store! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS FROM CROWD) With that big banner out in front of us -- "Cortland's Great Minstrel Shows". Old man Cortland, himself, out there with his big baton....and could he whirl it! Boy, what a drum major! And he took us -- (MUSIC FADES OUT GRADUALLY) - straight to the opera house, and we marched in -- and the barker started his spiel.

(CROWD NOISE)

 

BARKER:

(OVER CROWD CHATTER) All right now...step right up and join the laughing, grinning, chuckling crowd. One at a time now, folks. There'll be seats for everybody. How many tickets for you, neighbor?

RURAL:

Two adults and one child.

BARKER:

Just a minute my, friend! Is that boy only ten years old?

RURAL:

That's all.

BARKER:

Well, that's the first ten year old child I ever seen with a beard..

RURAL:

Well, his mother was scared by a brush salesman.

BARKER:

All right, neighbor....brush right on in with the rest of the folks. (BARKER CONTINUES SPIEL BUT FADING QUICKLY)

(CROWD CHATTER FOR MOMENT)

 

USHER:

Let me have your tickets, folks. Don't push. There's plenty of seats down in front. Right this way. Mister....

JASPER:

Hya, Lem.

LEMUEL:

Whatcha say, Jasper....some excitement today, eh?... The Minstrel show coming to town and the mail order catalogues arrivin' on the same day.

MACE:

Yep! Cynthy and me drove twenty-five mile in the buckboard to git here in time. Looks like we jest made it, too. There goes the curtain now, Lem!

(CURTAIN RISES AND CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS AS: )

 

(BAND AND CHORUS: "WAITIN' FOR THE ROBERT E LEE"...THIRTY-TWO BARS)

 

"WAITIN' FOR THE ROBERT E.LEE"

Watch them shuffle along

See them shufflin' along

Go take your best gal

Real pal

Go down to the levee

I said to the levee

And -- join that shuff-a-lin' throng

Hear that music and song

It's simply great mate

Waitin' on the levee

Waitin' for the Robert E. Lee....

(ORCHESTRA: TAG)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

INTERLOCUTOR:

Greetings and salutations to all you good people here in Muskogee, Oklahoma! (APPLAUSE) Needless to say, the Cortland Greater Minstrel Shows are glad to be back with you again this year! And we have a bigger and better show, with all your old favorites and a few new faces. (APPLAUSE) And it's all just as we advertised on the billboards of your fair little city. (APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you! Gentlemen -- Be Seated!

(G CHORD)

 

Well, well...Good evening, Mr. Tambo! Good evening, Mr. Bones.

MR. TAMBO:

(SHAW) Evenin', Mr, Interlocutor.

MR. BONES:

(OAKIE) Evenin', sir!

INTERLOCUTOR:

I say there, Mr. Tambo, isn't there a new baby at your house?

TAMBO:

Yes, indeed there is, Mr. Interlocutor -- hya hya!

INTERLOCUTOR:

Well -- just what did you name the baby?

TAMBO :

We all named it "Onyx".

INTERLOCUTOR:

Onyx? Well, tell me, Mr.. Tambo -- why did you name the child "Onyx"?

TAMBO:

Hya, hya...because he was so onyxpected. Hya hya!

(LAUGHTER)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

INTERLOCUTOR:

And now, Mr. Bones....

OAKIE:

Yes sir.

INTERLOCUTOR:

You seem to be putting on quite a bit of weight around your midsection. Don't you think you ought to diet?

OAKIE:

No, I like the color it is now.

INTERLOCUTOR:

You don't understand. I mean you should eat sensibly to reduce your weight. An excellent diet for you would be three raw carrots, every day.

OAKIE:

All right. Should I eat the carrots before or after meals?

INTERLOCUTOR:

Mr. Bones, you're hopeless. Are you working now?

OAKIE:

No sir. I coulda had a job with Eagle Laundry, but I didn't didn't take that job.

INTERLOCUTOR :

Why not, Mr. Bones?

OAKIE:

What do I know about washin' eagles?

(LAUGHTER)

 

(CHORD IN G)

 

INTERLOCUTOR:

And now, Mr. Tambo....

LEE:

Yes sir?

INTERLOCUTOR:

What was that trouble you had in the park yesterday?

LEE:

Well sir -- I'll tell you -- me and my wife and my fourteen kids went for a walk...

INTERLOCUTOR:

Your fourteen children, Mr. Tambo?

LEE:

That's right. Well, sir -- the sixteen of us was walkin' along mindin' our own business when all of a sudden an officer of the law come up and arrested me.

INTERLOCUTOR:

Arrested you?

LEE:

Yessir - he done arrested me. That's right. And I sez to him -- "Listen, Mr, Policeman, you can't arrest me, I aln*t done nothin!" And he sez -- "You must of done somethin' or that crowd wouldn't be followin' you!

(LAUGHTER)

 

(G CHORD)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

INTERLOCUTOR:

Ladies and gentlemen - introducing the sensational soft shoe dancing of Crawford and Jackson!

(APPLAUSE)

 

(BAND: "DOWN SOUTH")

 

(CLOG DANCE SECTION)

 

(SHAW & LEE DANCE)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

INTERLOCUTOR;And now, ladies and gontlemon, a new act with our happy show. Tonight is the first time they have appeared in your beautiful city. Presenting - for your approval - the singing of the Invincible Quartet. Step up, gentlemen!

(APPLAUSE)

 

(MALE QUARTET: "DARLING NELLIE GREY" VERSE AND CHORUS)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

INTERLOCUTOR:

As we are go often wont to say...

OAKIE:

(BONES) (INTERRUPTS) Mr. Interlocutor?

INTERLOCUTOR:

Yes, Mr. Bones?

BONES:

Mr. Tambo and me had a discussion this morning. I sez you was borned in Connecticut - and he sez you was borned in Maryland. Just where was you borned?

INTERLOCUTOR:

Why, Mr. Bones...I was born in the greatest state in the Union -- Texas.

BONES:

What's so great about Texas?

INTERLOCUTOR:

Why, Mr, Bones, don't you know that in Texas you can get a hundred pounds of sugar, a sack of potatoes, a bottle of whiskey and a wife for a dollar and a half?

BONES:

You mean to tell me, that in Texas, you can get a hundred pounds of sugar, a sack of potatoes, a bottle of whiskey and a wife for a dollar and a half?

INTERLOCUTOR:

That's right,

BONES:

It must be cheap whiskey!

(LAUGHTER)

 

(BAND AND CHORUS: "GOOD NIGHT LADIES")

(THROUGH ONCE)

 

"GOOD NIGHT, LADIES"

Good night, Ladies!

Good night, Ladies!

Good night, Ladies!

We're going to leave you now...

Merrily we roll along

Roll Along

Roll Along

Merrily we roll along

O'er the deep blue sea...

(APPLAUSE)

 

(CHORUS A CAPELLA REPEATS THE "MERRILY. WE ROLL ALONG" PHRASE AS BACKGROUND TO FOLLOWING DIALOGUE)

 

GIRL:

(OVER MUSIC) Gee, Mr. Oakie, us kids didn't know Minstrel shows were as swell as that. What happened to all of them, Mr. Oakie?

OAKIE:

Gosh, kids -- they've all gone on by now....Yep - they've probably all paraded through those pearly gates up to that Minstrel Paradise they used to sing about. I'll bet they're puttin' on a show up there that's got them angels rollin' in the aisles.... They've probably got pearl tambourines and real gold banjos, and I'll bet they're usin' St. Peter for an interlocutor. (CHORUS: OUT)

They must have hundreds of end men....all the old favorites and a few new faces....Bigger and better than ever!

(BELL NOTE)

 

OAKIE:

(SINGS) (LAST HALF OF ORIGINAL MINSTREL SONG)

I'll bet they're teachin' Ol' man Gabriel

How to blow that horn. . .

They're up there swingin' in line

In all that golden braid and stuff

Why it's Auld Lang

In the Big Parade . . .

And if you just listen folks, and cup your ear and you can hear them blow . . .

(BRASS CHOIR: "UNDER DOUBLE EAGLE" IN TAPS STYLE)

 

(FULL ORCHESTRA.. . .FFF ... .SOCK CHORD)

 

OAKIE:

(FULL VOICE) If it was rain or shine

I'd fall right into line

To join that old time Minstrel show!

(BIG ORCHESTRA TAG)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

GOODWIN:

Now back to the present, ladies and gentlemen. . .

Here's a scene at the Victor Hugo Restaurant, Beverly Hills. One of the most famous restaurants in the world. A charming young couple has just sat down at a table in the Palm Garden.

(FADE IN MUSIC)

 

MAN:

Well, Janet, we've certainly seen a lot today -- Malibu Beach this morning - lunch at the Brown Derby, watching a picture being shot in the afternoon - and . . .

GIRL:

And now - dinner at one of the finest restaurants in the world!

MAN:

Yes. Well, to be practical, here's the menu! What appeals to you?

GIRL:

U-m-m, let's see. Oh -- this sounds good. Jumbo squab with broccoli and candied sweet potatoes.

MAN:

That's quite an order after, an exciting day!

GIRL:

Don't worry, I'll enjoy every bit of it! Oh! Have we plenty of CAMELS?

MAN:

Of course. For "digestion's sake"!

GIRL:

You're right! It's grand to enjoy CAMELS. They give you such a delightful sense of well-being!

GOODWIN:

And, it's not surprising that CAMELS -- the cigarette that's made from costlier tobaccos -- appear on so many tables in the Victor Hugo. Here's what Hugo himself says: QUOTE. Our patrons know fine tobacco as well as fine food. CAMEL Cigarettes are the overwhelming favorite here. END QUOTE. "For digestion's sake - smoke CAMELS" is a good idea to remember during and after every meal.

"EPHUS HALL"

(ORCHESTRA: FF MILITARY MARCH INTRODUCTION)

 

BARKER :

(OVER MUSIC) Come on, folks, come one, come all Have a laugh at good old Ephus Hall ! Line forms on the left and on the right Ephus Hall is great tonight!

GIRL:

But I haven't got a ticket.

CHORUS:

You don't need to have a ticket

For Ephus Hall!

Forget about formality

Your smiling personality

Is all you need to get you in -

(CODA)

 

To Ephus Hall. (SECOND TIME "IN" EPHUS HALL)

Can't you hear the barker call?

Bring your cousin and your mother

And your sister and your brother

For the show tonight in Ephus Hall!

GOODWIN:

(OVER MUSIC) We continue in just a moment with Jack Oakie and Robert Benchley.

This is the COLUMBIA...BROADCASTING SYSTEM.

GOODWIN:

Now -- here we are in Ephus Hall, where you will be greeted by President Jack Oakie.

OAKIE:

That's me! Stoonts of Oakie College, I welcome you once again to hysterical Ephus Hall...the house of a thousand shambles. Where ignorance is bliss, and everybody's happy.

Tonight we're gonna open up with a song from Judy Garland. Come out here, Judy!

(JUDY COMES ON)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

OAKIE:

Hello, Judy, honey.

JUDY:

Good evening. President Oakie.

OAKIE :

Last week you was kind of a singin' lecturer on geography. It was swell, honey.

JUDY:

Thank you.

OAKIE:

Is it gonna be geography again tonight?

JUDY:

Well, it's something like geography. It's about traveling, anyway.

OAKIE:

All right, honey, let's start.

JUDY:

Well, it's about a way to travel and still stay at home.

OAKIE:

Stay at home! Well, shut my fourth dimension! Do tell.

"TRAILING ALONG IN A TRAILER"

(ORCHESTRA INTRODUCTION)

 

JUDY:

Eskimos live in igloos

Bees live in a hive

Darkies live in a cabin in the cotton

Home, Sweet, Home, hard times is forgotten.

Indians live in a wigwam

Birdies live in a nest

Rich folks live in a palace with a "Santy"

Poor folks live with an uncle or an Aunty in a shanty

Down in Shanty-Town.

Now I don't live in an igloo

And I don't live in a hive

And I don't live in a palace or a shanty

But I'm oh, oh, oh so glad to be alive -- when I'm...

Trailing along in a trailer

Tied to a cute little car

I'm a big fresh air inhaler

Feel like I'm hitched to a star.

Parlor and bedroom and kitchen

Ev'rything rolled into one

Trailing along in the sunshine

Life is a world full of fun.

Far from the city

Where superficial people wined and dined me

I'm sitting pretty

Along the road you'll find me

Wagging my home behind me.

I'm just an overland sailor

Life is much sweeter by far

Trailing along in a trailer

Tied to a cute little car.

You can scramble eggs for breakfast in a two by four kitchen

But you haven't room to turn around to keep the toast from burning

But you don't lose your temper for you'll spill the pot of coffee

And you can't make another 'cause the water tank is empty

You can't fill the water tank because you're in the desert

And if you're in the desert then the sand will be flying

And if the sand is flying just forget the steak for dinner

For steak is good with gravy but with sand it's indigestible,

But don't go fussing and fretting

And don't get mad.

For soon the sun will be setting

And you'll be glad -- that you're

Far from the city

Where the setting sun is hidden by the buildings

I'm sitting pretty

The sun is going my way

Trucking along the highway

I'm just an overland sailor

Life is much sweeter by far

Trailing along in a trailer

Trailing along in a trailer

Tied to a cute little car.

(ORCHESTRA UP AND OUT)

 

(HONK! HONK!)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

OAKIE:

Thank you, Judy, honey I'll buy me a trailer tomorrow.

GOODWIN:

Say Prez -

OAKIE:

Yes, Dr. Goodwin?

GOODWIN:

While all the students are assembled here, I'd like to recommend that Oakie College look into the matter of organizing an outboard motor-boat racing team. Lots of other colleges have them. And right now, the college drivers and outboard veterans from all over the country are busy tuning up for one of the biggest thrills in the sport, the one hundred and thirty-five mile Albany-New York Marathon. Here's a first-hand account of the race -- straight from the winner of last year's grind -- Mister Clayton Bishop.

VOICE:

Hammering along for three and a half hours at a stretch, going at forty or fifty miles an hour over tricky, choppy water - with only a thin shell between you and the with only a thin shell between you and the river - that's real punishment! Digestion has to be okay to stand the shock and vibration, but I notice that when I smoke CAMELS during my meals and afterwards, it helps make my food taste better and digest easier. CAMELS set me right!

GOODWIN:

When you smoke CAMELS with your meals and after, the flow of digestive fluids - the alkaline digestive fluids -- so necessary to your enjoyment of food and to good digestion - actually speeds up. Just notice for yourself the sense well-being that comes after a good meal -- and CAMELS.

OAKIE :

That's true, that's absolutely true, Doctor Goodwin - and we'll see about the outboard motor boat team in due course, I'm sure. But right now, we have the rare privilege of hearing from a scholar who's famous throughout the country -- yes, and in many of the smaller villages and towns, too - and also Sedalia, Missouri. Not saying anything about Brooklyn. He's goin' to lecture on a subject very close to the heart of everybody. Only about six inches away, in fact. The subject is Hiccups. Stoonts, I deem it an honor to present that international roue, bon vivant, epicure and philosopher, Professor Robert Benchley.

(INSERT BENCHLEY LECTURE)

 

BENCHLEY:

I see no reason why I should be here telling you how to cure hiccoughs, because probably you have a cure of your own. Everybody in the world has a cure for hiccoughs, except the man who happens to have them at that particular time.

Hiccoughs, as you know, are caused by swallowing air the wrong way. This sets up a carbon monoxide poisoning, or Triplers Disease, which, in turn, shifts the throat down into where the chest should be, and vice versa. The action of the chest passing the throat on the way up, causes hiccoughs. Now that we know what causes hiccoughs, we are in a better position to cure them, provided we really want to. A great many people actually like to have hiccoughs, because it draws attention to themselves and makes them seem interesting in the presence of the opposite sex.

What we are dealing with tonight, however, is the person who really wants to get rid of his hiccoughs, even if he dislocates his back in the attempt. Several cures for hiccoughs involve hacking away the muscles of the back and replacing them with gutta percha, which is not popular among people who have pretty backs.

But I'm afraid we are getting a little far afield, now. I want first to find someone here who has hiccoughs. Is there anyone who has hiccoughs? '

(PAUSE)

 

Nobody with hiccoughs? Well, that rather spoils the trick, doesn't it? Come, come....I don't think that you are even trying. Isn't there someone here who can hiccough, just in the interests of science?

VOICE:

I had hiccoughs a while ago, sir

LECTURER:

You had hiccoughs? What did you do with them?

VOICE:

I don't know, sir.

LECTURER:

You don't know. Well, my good man. You don't just mislay hiccoughs, you know that. Come, come ....you've got to have a better excuse than that.

VOICE:

All I know is that I had them a while ago --

(HICCOUGH)

 

LECTURER:

Well, that's more like it! Now we're getting somewhere.... Now, for this case, we will try a cure which was taught me by an old Indian yogi.... Would you hiccough again, please?

VOICE:

I can't.

LECTURER:

That's fine talk! You can't. Where would George Washington have been if he had said "I can't"? Now, I want you to go into the next room with my helper here, and I want you to bend your body over backward - from a standing position - - until the head touches the floor in back. That's not going to be very hard, once you've done it. Once you've done it, you won't care.... Now, this is an absolute hiccough cure, and don't forget it ..... Once you have your head touching the floor behind you, then whistle. But here's the point! Don't whistle naturally, but inhale as you whistle. In other words, whistle in reverse.

VOICE:

But I haven't got hiccoughs anymore.

LECTURER:

Don't quibble. Never mind what you've got. Go in there and bend over backward until your head touches the floor, and then whistle in reverse....Are there any other cases?

ANOTHER VOICE:

I haven't exactly got hiccoughs, but --

LECTURER:

Well, if you haven't exactly got hiccoughs, what are you doing here? We want only cases of one hundred percent hiccoughs. Make up your mind.

VOICE:

All I do is hiccough.

LECTURER:

All you do is hiccough? Isn't that enough? What else?

VOICE:

Nothing else.

LECTURER:

Don't you ever read good books?

VOICE:

What good books?

LECTURER:

Never mind....Do you feel like hiccoughing now, or do you want to take it easy for a while?

VOICE:

I can hiccough now. (HICCOUGH)

LECTURER:

That's very cute. Now what I want you to do is to go into the next room with my assistant --

VOICE:

Who is your assistant?

LECTURER:

Never mind who he is. He's a registered pharmacist... .By the way, did you ever know an unregistered pharmacist?

VOICE:

Not right off-hand.

LECTURER:

You ought to. They're loads of fun....Well, anyway, I want you to go into the next room with my assistant, and take a glass of milk in your right hand, put it around back of your neck until it reaches the left hand corner of your mouth, at the same time lift your left leg out straight to the side. Then I want you to drink the glass of milk out of the left hand corner of your mouth, with your right leg - your left leg....Oh, well, both legs held out straight to the side. Then I want you to come in and tell me how it worked out.

VOICE:

What do you mean -- worked out?

LECTURER:

I mean, whether your hiccoughs were cured or not.

VOICE:

But I haven't got hiccoughs.

LECTURER:

Who's running this thing, you or I? Now, go on in there and cure your hiccoughs. Now, I want just one more patient -- preferably one with hiccoughs....

THIRD VOICE:

I have hiccoughs, sir -- but my head drops off every time I hiccough.

LECTURER:

Say, you are practically an ideal case.,. .Don't start for a minute, now.

VOICE:

Is that a bad sign, Professor -- when my head drops off?

LECTURER:

Not necessarily. It just takes a little more time, that's all... Now I've got just the thing for you. Go in the next room and put your head in a pail of water. Keep it on, if you can, but anyway, put it way down into the water. Then, if your hiccoughs haven't cleared up, take twelve deep breaths, inhale and exhale, always with your head under water, and your hands on your hips. Then come to me.

VOICE:

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

LECTURER:

Don't thank me. That's my job....And now I just want to say that I have to rush along, because I want to check up on my last night's cases, but -- (HICCOUGH) -- if there are any further developments in those that I have treated tonight, just give me a buzz and I'll be right over. And I Thank you all very much.

OAKIE:

Thank you very much, Professor Benchley. An exceedingly able treatment on this subject. I want to regurgitate you on it, Robert. But personally I've found that the one sure cure for whatever ails you....from hiccups to hydrophobia...is the soothing strains of a swing band as poured out by Doctor Benny Goodman. Would you mind givin' us a couple of samples. Doctor?

(CUE FOUR-A TO NEW YORK)

 

GOODMAN:

Glad to, Prez...although I don't guarantee to cure anybody's hiccups.

GOODMAN:

First the Quartet, with Gene Krupa, Teddy Wilson, Lionel Jampton and Yours Truly, messing around with "Sweet Sue". Take it boys !

("SWEET SUE" GOODMAN QUARTET)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

GOODMAN:

And now, for the first time on the air, we're going to play a number written by a member of our own organization, Harry James, who knows how to handle a trumpet. The title is taken from the picture, "New Faces".

("NEW FACES" GOODMAN ORCHESTRA)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

(INTO CUE)

 

ANNOUNCER:

R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company -- the makers of CAMEL Cigarettes - also make that prime, choice smoking tobacco - PRINCE ALBERT! There's a man-sized helping of smoking joy in every single pipeful of PRINCE ALBERT, Yes, sir, each rich morsel of PRINCE ALBERT is chuck-full of mild, tasty flavor. And P. A. is crimp cut to give you a longer smoke -- a cooler smoke -- one that doesn't bite the tongue. How about getting your pipe going on mild, mellow PRINCE ALBERT - the National Joy Smoke.

OAKIE:

Thank you. Doctor Goodwin, Stoonts, if you will all rise, please. Professor Georgie Stoll will now lead you in singing the Oakie Loyalty Song. Are you ready, Professor?

STOLL:

Yes sir.

OAKIE:

Just a minute. There's a boy in the back of the house there with his hat on. Take it off, son. We want loyalty here... Fair enough. Go ahead, Professor.

(INTO FINALE)

 

(ORCHESTRA: MILITARY INTRODUCTION)

 

(SEGUE)

 

CHORUS:

(A CAPELLA)

We are proud to hail from the Oakie School

No other shall we seek

Oh, we must not fail

In its golden rule

To be present every week....

(BAND IN: "COLLEGE MARCH" STYLE)

 

CHORUS:

Long may the glory and honor

Of our Alma Mater live on through....

(INTO "SWING" STYLE)

 

OAKIE:

To each and every lad and lass

Who boast that they don't miss a class

We're saying....

CHORUS:

Swing on loudly

And sing on proudly

Of our dear old J.O.C.

FRED HARDER:

We don't mean Harvard!

CHORUS:

That wonderful college of mine!

TILTON:

It's not like Vassar!

CHORUS:

That ever lovin' college of mine!

(BAND UP AND RIDES OUT)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

("FIGHT SONG")

 

GOODWIN:

Join us next Tuesday evening for an hour of Painless Education on the campus of Jack Oakie's College, with President Oakie, Professor Benny Goodman, asad Doctor Georgie Stoll, Judy Garland, Al Shaw and Sam Lee, and the Oakie Glee Club. Next week's guest professor will be that outstanding radio and screen comedian, Sid Silvers. (APPLAUSE) Jack Oakie's College is presented by R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Judy Garland appeared at Oakie College through the courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

See you next Tuesday. In the meantime, remember..."Camels set you right." This is Bill Goodwin speaking.

This is the COLUMBIA.. .BROADCASTING SYSTEM.