Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Screen Directors' Playhouse
Show: My Favorite Wife
Date: Dec 07 1950

VOICE:

(FILTER) Screen Directors Playhouse! Stars: Cary Grant! Irene Dunne! Production: My Favorite Wife! Director: Garson Kanin!

MUSIC:

FANFARE FOR AN INTRO ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

This is the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of comedy, music, mystery and drama! Brought to you by the makers of Anacin, for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia; Chesterfield, the only cigarette that combines mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste, the cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope; your local Ford dealer, who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford, the Car That's Built for the Years Ahead; and RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN FADES OUT UNDER FOLLOWING

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, the Screen Directors Playhouse is pleased to present a classic in comedy -- Irene Dunne and Cary Grant starring in our adaptation of Leo McCarey's production for RKO "My Favorite Wife!" But, first--

No matter what you now take for headache relief, we urge you to try Anacin for the incredibly fast relief these tablets bring, the next time you're suffering from a headache. Now the reason Anacin is so wonderfully fast-acting and effective is this: Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one but a combination of medically-proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. Thousands of people have received envelopes containing Anacin tablets from their own dentist or physician -- and, in this way, discovered the incredibly fast relief Anacin brings from pains of headache, neuritis or neuralgia. So the next time a headache strikes, take Anacin for this wonderfully-fast relief. Anacin! A-N-A-C-I-N! Anacin! At any drug counter, in handy boxes of twelve and thirty, economical family-sized bottles of fifty and one hundred!

MUSIC:

ANOTHER BIG FANFARE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Now here is the first act of "My Favorite Wife," starring Cary Grant and Irene Dunne in their original roles of Nick and Ellen Arden.

(PAUSE, NARRATES) Consider a bottle floating in the Pacific Ocean. Ah, if only fate would cast it on some shore where human eyes might read the note inside. The note that says:

ELLEN:

"Ellen Arden is alive and well! I survived the sinking of the freighter Milton-A on August 5th, 1943. Am living on an island, approximately two hundred miles south of the point of sinking. Please notify my husband, Nicholas Arden, Los Angeles, California, U.S.A!"

ANNOUNCER:

If only these words might reach the ear of Nick Arden. But, no! Fate would have it otherwise. For seven years, the bottle floats, and now Nick has fallen into the clutches of another woman, Bianca Bates. The bottle floats, and Nick is sunk. ...

BIANCA:

Nick, darling, isn't it time we thought about marriage?

NICK:

(PLEASANTLY EVASIVE) Hmmm? Marriage, Bianca?

BIANCA:

Marriage!

NICK:

Yeah, well, let's think about it some time.

BIANCA:

Now, Nick!

NICK:

All right, I'm thinking.

BIANCA:

You can't go on brooding over Ellen for the rest of your life.

NICK:

Ah! Wonderful woman, Ellen. You should have known her.

BIANCA:

Well, what about me?

NICK:

Mm, all right, let's talk about you. Now, have you read any good books,
lately? (CLEARS THROAT) ...

BIANCA:

Nick! I'm talking about marriage.

NICK:

Yeah, well, I was just wondering if my children would understand that.

BIANCA:

(REASSURING) I'll be a mother to Timmy and Chinch.

NICK:

Oh. (TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK) As a lawyer, here's the way I look at it--

BIANCA:

Nick, this isn't law! It's us. A man, and a woman.

NICK:

Yes, Bianca.

BIANCA:

You're lonely, aren't you?

NICK:

Yes, Bianca.

BIANCA:

You love me, don't you?

NICK:

Yes, Bianca.

BIANCA:

Well, Nick?

NICK:

Hm. (CASUALLY) I've got an idea.

BIANCA:

What?

NICK:

(CLAPS) Let's get married.

MUSIC:

RAUCOUS BRIDGE ... FADES OUT FOR

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE

NICK:

(APPROACHES) Well, this is the room, Bianca. (READS) "Court of General Sessions."

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

BIANCA:

Nick, I still don't see why we have to be married by a judge.

NICK:

Oh, get everything done in one place. He'll rule Ellen legally dead -- and marry us.

BIANCA:

(EXHALES) It's morbid. And, Nick, why do you insist on wearing that black tie?

NICK:

Oh, sign of respect.

BIANCA:

But, darling! ... It's our wedding day! Oh, Nick, I bought this other tie for you to wear. It's more suitable for a wedding.

NICK:

Mm. Well, I can't put it on now, dear.

BIANCA:

Before the ceremony, then.

NICK:

Well, come on, Bianca, we're already a little late.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE ... DOOR CLOSES

JUDGE:

Clerk! Where are the parties in the matter of "Arden versus Arden"?

NICK:

Right here, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

Well! 'Bout time.

NICK:

Sorry, Your Honor. Just stand here, Bianca.

BIANCA:

All right, darling.

JUDGE:

Young woman, what are you doing with that tie in your hand? Are you a tie salesman? Eh, clerk, how did this tie salesman get in here?

NICK:

She's with me, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

Are you a tie salesman?

NICK:

Oh, no, I'm Nicholas Arden.

JUDGE:

Arden? That's a familiar name.

NICK:

"Arden versus Arden," Your Honor. The brief is on your desk.

JUDGE:

(FLUSTERED) W-why didn't you say so? Hmph! You're an attorney, Mr. Arden. Why weren't you here on time? Now, you'll just have to wait. I - I'm supposed to marry somebody.

NICK:

Me, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

You? You got a license? Got a ring? Got a bride?

NICK:

Yes, Your Honor. But, uh, first, the matter of Ellen Wagstaff Arden,
my former wife.

JUDGE:

Young woman, are you his former wife?

BIANCA:

I should say not.

JUDGE:

Don't raise your voice. There's such a thing as contempt of court, you know. ...

NICK:

Well, Your Honor, Ellen Wagstaff Arden was lost at sea.

JUDGE:

Oh, yes, yes, I remember now, I've got it all here in your brief.

SOUND:

SHUFFLE OF PAPERS

NICK:

My former wife was working as a news photographer during the war. She was aboard the freighter when it hit a reef.

JUDGE:

Er, will you let me read the brief?

NICK:

Uh, sorry.

JUDGE:

Yeah, yes. Says here you have two children. My, that's sad, very sad.

NICK:

It happened seven and a half years ago--

JUDGE:

Yeah, I know, I know. I can read, can't I?

NICK:

Well, there's a final summing up, Your Honor. You'll find it on page ten right here--

JUDGE:

Yeah, I'll find it myself!

SOUND:

PAGES FLIPPED THROUGH

JUDGE:

Yes. Oh! Here it is! On page ten!

NICK:

Well, if I can explain, Your Honor--

JUDGE:

Nothing to explain. Sworn affidavits, lost at sea, no evidence to the contrary, the law is clear!

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS ONCE

JUDGE:

I hereby pronounce Ellen Wagstaff Arden legally dead!

BIANCA:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, Nick, we're finally free!

JUDGE:

Young woman! Stop waving that tie in my face.

NICK:

Your honor, this is the woman I intend to marry.

JUDGE:

This tie salesman?

BIANCA:

I am not a tie salesman, I'm his bride.

JUDGE:

Amazing. Man's wife hasn't been dead five minutes and he's getting married again. ... Mister Arden, are you sure you want to marry this woman?

BIANCA:

Of course he's sure.

NICK:

Of course I'm sure.

JUDGE:

Well, where's the license?

NICK:

Right here, Your Honor.

BIANCA:

Now will you please take off that horrible necktie?

JUDGE:

Huh? What's wrong with my necktie?

NICK:

Oh, no, no, not you-- Nothing, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

I distinctly heard her say--

NICK:

She meant me. Now, pardon me, Your Honor -- I - I just want to change ties.

JUDGE:

I don't understand this at all. Er, clerk, do you understand this?

NICK:

(STRUGGLING) Oh, I can't get the knot undone.

BIANCA:

Well, let me help you, dear.

NICK:

Well, wait a minute, Bianca, you're choking me.

BIANCA:

(OVERLAPS) Well, I'm trying, Nick--

NICK:

(OVERLAPS) You're pushing it the wrong way. You're strangling me.

JUDGE:

(OVERLAPS) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join in holy wedlock--!

MUSIC:

COMICAL CONFUSION FOR BRIDGE ... OUT DURING FOLLOWING

ANNOUNCER:

But Fate, perverse Fate, is playing a strange trick on Nicholas Arden; for even as he is being married, a figure garbed in ragged seafaring clothes is walking up to the door of the Arden home.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK - THEN HALT

TIMMY:

Hello, what are you?

CHINCH:

He's a sailor. I can tell.

ELLEN:

Hello, there.

TIMMY:

See, Chinch? It's not even a "he" at all.

CHINCH:

Are you a lady sailor?

ELLEN:

In a way.

CHINCH:

Our mommy was drowned at sea, wasn't she?

TIMMY:

Uh huh. And we're not supposed to know.

ELLEN:

Timmy, do you miss her very much?

TIMMY:

Oh, sure. How'd you know my name?

ELLEN:

Oh, I know. And your sister's name is Chinch. Gosh, you're swell-looking kids.

TIMMY:

Daddy says we look like our mommy.

ELLEN:

Would you like to have her back?

TIMMY:

We can't have her back. She's drowned.

ELLEN:

But maybe--

TIMMY:

I'm sorry, ma'am. We're not allowed to talk to strangers.

SOUND:

TIMMY'S FOOTSTEPS HURRY AWAY

ELLEN:

But Chinch--

CHINCH:

We're not allowed to talk to strangers.

SOUND:

CHINCH'S FOOTSTEPS HURRY AWAY

ELLEN:

Is your daddy home?

CHINCH:

(OFF) No, just grandma.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS ON PORCH - FRONT DOOR OPENS

MOTHER:

Pardon me, I heard you talking. Is there something--?

ELLEN:

Hello, darling.

MOTHER:

(SHOCKED, WEAKLY) Ohhhh.

ELLEN:

Well, now, don't faint.

MOTHER:

(DISBELIEF) Is it -- Ellen?

ELLEN:

It is. It is.

MOTHER:

Oh, then I'll faint.

ELLEN:

Oh, now, don't be a sissy.

MOTHER:

(GASPING) Ellen! Good heavens!

ELLEN:

Alive and eating well.

MOTHER:

(HUGS ELLEN) Oh, Ellen.

ELLEN:

(SLIGHT SOB) Oh, I think I'm going to cry.

MOTHER:

(IN THE SAME TONE) Don't be a sissy. (SNIFF)

ELLEN:

Let's go in -- into my house!

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS INTO HOUSE ... FRONT DOOR SHUTS

MOTHER:

Yes, you know, I - I just can't believe it. When--? How--? Why, we thought you were drowned.

ELLEN:

No, darling. Definitely not drowned.

MOTHER:

And where have you been?

ELLEN:

An island, a horrible island. How's Nicky?

MOTHER:

Nicky?

ELLEN:

Yes, your son. My husband.

MOTHER:

Oh, uh, he-he-he's fine.

ELLEN:

Handsome?

MOTHER:

As ever.

ELLEN:

Prosperous?

MOTHER:

Well, reasonably. ... Uh, Ellen?

ELLEN:

Yes?

MOTHER:

Um, hm, er, Nick's - married again.

ELLEN:

(STUNNED) What did you say?

MOTHER:

Nick. He's married.

ELLEN:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Why, I never thought of that.

MOTHER:

(GENTLE REMINDER) Seven years, Ellen.

ELLEN:

Oh, yes. Seven years. (PAUSE) Is she nice?

MOTHER:

No. ...

ELLEN:

Anyone I know?

MOTHER:

No, her name is Bianca Bates.

ELLEN:

Bianca Bates? Huh. Well, at least Nick hasn't lost his sense of humor. ... Mother?

MOTHER:

Yes, Ellen?

ELLEN:

How long did he wait?

MOTHER:

Oh, a long time. Until today.

ELLEN:

Until today?!

MOTHER:

You were declared legally dead this morning and then Nick married Bianca. They're driving to Yosemite for the honeymoon.

ELLEN:

Yosemite? Not our hotel?

MOTHER:

Well, you see, Nick had business in San Francisco--

ELLEN:

Not Suite A?! Not the same room?! Oh, he couldn't!

MOTHER:

Oh, Ellen, my dear. I'm so sorry. If only you would have gotten here yesterday.

ELLEN:

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm thinking.

MOTHER:

Yes, yes?

ELLEN:

(TO HERSELF) Married this morning, driving to Yosemite-- (TO MOTHER) Mother, uh--? Does Nick love her?

MOTHER:

He doesn't love her. He just married her.

ELLEN:

Do planes still fly to Yosemite?

MOTHER:

Well, I guess so. What have you got in mind?

ELLEN:

It's what Nicky has in mind I'm worried about. Mother ... I'm flying to Yosemite!

MUSIC:

FOR FLYING TO YOSEMITE ... TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Would you like to join madcap Bob Hope in an airplane ride? Well, here's what might happen if you did.

VOICE:

Bob, the pilot has a request to make. Will you please stay in your seat and keep away from the controls? You almost fouled up the flight!

BOB HOPE:

Oh, I don't think what I did was so bad.

VOICE:

Oh, come now.

BOB HOPE:

All I did was make a rabbit's head with my fingers on the radar screen. ... Anyway, that pilot resents me!

VOICE:

How do you know?

BOB HOPE:

He keeps fastening my safety belt.

VOICE:

Well, what's wrong with that?

BOB HOPE:

To the propeller! ... Now, let's sell Chesterfields! You know, the real test for mildness in a cigarette is as old as tobacco itself. And it's also the easiest test in the book. It's just as simple as this. Make your next pack Chesterfield and open 'em, smell 'em, smoke 'em, and prove what every tobacco man knows: tobaccos that smell milder, smoke milder.

MUSIC:

JINGLE

WOMEN:

(SINGING) Chesterfield! Chesterfield! Always wins first place!
That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste!

BOB HOPE:

(SINGS) So, open a pack, give 'em a smell--

WOMEN:

(SINGING) Then you'll smoke 'em!

MUSIC:

JINGLE

BOB HOPE:

Don't forget to give Crosby for Christmas. I mean the Chesterfield Christmas Carton with Bing as Papa Santa Claus.

ANNOUNCER:

Now here, is Act Two of the Screen Directors Playhouse production of "My Favorite Wife" starring Irene Dunne as Ellen and Cary Grant as Nick.

MUSIC:

FOR A CHEERY INTRO ... THEN OUT DURING FOLLOWING

ANNOUNCER:

Ah, Fate -- fickle mistress of men's lives. See what a stunning blow She is about to deal Nick Arden.

SOUND:

SNEAK IN CAR STOPPING AND PARKING

ANNOUNCER:

For, as he and his bride Bianca park their car at the Yosemite Honeymoon Hotel, disaster lurks at the reservation desk.

SOUND:

SNEAK IN HOTEL LOBBY NOISE AND ELLEN'S FOOTSTEPS

ANNOUNCER:

It's name is Ellen Arden.

SOUND:

STEPS STOP ... FRONT DESK BELL RINGS ... BRIEF LOBBY NOISE

PENTWHISTLE:

(TO BELLHOP) Front? Front, this gentleman to Room Twelve. (TO ELLEN) Now madam, what can I do for you? My name is Mr. Pentwhistle.

ELLEN:

Mr. Pentwhistle, I wonder if my husband has arrived yet. Mr. Nicholas Arden.

PENTWHISTLE:

Oh, yes, the honeymoon couple. Are you his bride?

ELLEN:

I'm one of them. ...

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, our hotel caters to honey-- (PAUSE) One of them? ...

ELLEN:

Yes. One of them.

PENTWHISTLE:

The way you say that makes my blood run cold. ...

ELLEN:

(LIGHTLY) I bet I've shocked you.

PENTWHISTLE:

Heh, heh! Silly old-fashioned me! ...

ELLEN:

You still haven't answered my question. Has Mr. Arden arrived yet?

PENTWHISTLE:

Why, no, he hasn't.

ELLEN:

Oh, thank goodness. I'm in time.

PENTWHISTLE:

Eh, I hesitate to ask this question. In time for what? ...

ELLEN:

You know, I bet this sounds silly to you, but I'd just like to bite his ear and run my fingers through his hair.

PENTWHISTLE:

Eh, not in this hotel you don't! ...

ELLEN:

Oh, it's - it's - it's perfectly all right.

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes, I'll bet it is. Eh, do you want to tell me all about it?

ELLEN:

Well, that's awfully sweet of you, Mr. Pentwhistle but - I think I'd like to freshen up.

PENTWHISTLE:

Oh, of course. You'll find a lovely powder room in another hotel, eight miles down the road. ...

ELLEN:

Oh - oh, I won't be going that far.

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes. Well, maybe I'm just narrow-minded.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER UP

PENTWHISTLE:

Pentwhistle speaking.

GARAGE:

(FILTER) Uh, this is the garage, Mr. Pentwhistle. Just parked Mr. Nicholas Arden and his wife. They're on their way up.

SOUND:

GARAGE HANGS UP ... RECEIVER DOWN

PENTWHISTLE:

Oh, my goodness.

SOUND:

NICK & BIANCA'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

NICK:

(APPROACHES) Oh, good evening. Are you Mr. Pentwhistle?

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes, yes, I'm Mr. Pentwhistle.

NICK:

I have reservations for my wife and myself. Nicholas Arden.

PENTWHISTLE:

You're Nicholas Arden?

NICK:

Yes.

BIANCA:

Nick, why is he staring at you like that?

NICK:

I don't know. (TO PENTWHISTLE) Is something wrong?

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. ...

NICK:

I don't understand you.

PENTWHISTLE:

You don't understand me?

BIANCA:

Nick, may we go to our room?

NICK:

Yes, dear, yes, dear. Now, Mr. Pentwhistle, my wife is tired.

PENTWHISTLE:

Ah! Oh, so she's one of the brides?

NICK:

What do you mean, one of the brides? Do you have more? ...

PENTWHISTLE:

Do you have more? That's what this hotel is worried about.

NICK:

Now, now, please, this is my wife.

PENTWHISTLE:

(CHUCKLES) Yes, I'm sure she is.

NICK:

So, if you'll just show us to our rooms.

PENTWHISTLE:

Very well.

SOUND:

FRONT DESK BELL RINGS

PENTWHISTLE:

Front! Suite A!

NICK:

Ah-- Uh-- Oh-- Suite A? But I don't want Suite A.

BIANCA:

Nick, why not?

PENTWHISTLE:

But, sir, it's one of our very best.

NICK:

Well, haven't you something else?

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, I'll look. (MOVING OFF) Mr. Ebee--?

BIANCA:

But it's their best, Nick.

NICK:

Yes, I - I - I - I know, but - but for you, Bianca, the best isn't good enough. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

PENTWHISTLE:

(RETURNS) I can let you have Suite C. It's just been redecorated. Do you mind the smell of fresh paint?

NICK:

I love it.

BIANCA:

I hate it.

NICK:

We'll take it.

BIANCA:

Nick! ...

NICK:

Smell of paint! Good for the indigestion! You run along, Bianca. I'll be up as soon as I register.

BIANCA:

All right, darling. (MOVING OFF) I'll be waiting for you. Please hurry.

PENTWHISTLE:

Er, please just sign here.

NICK:

Er, thank you. I, uh-- (CLEARS THROAT, INTIMATELY) You see, I - I couldn't take Suite A. Been here before. You understand, don't you?

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes, and it gives me goose flesh. ... Here's the pen.

NICK:

Oh, thank you.

PENTWHISTLE:

Mr. Arden, there's something I would like to get off my mind.

NICK:

What is it?

PENTWHISTLE:

There's a woman around here; she wants to bite you on the ear. ...

NICK:

Which ear?

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, I don't know. Well, what difference does it make, which ear?

NICK:

Now, look, is this some kind of joke?

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes. Yes, you can laugh. You're not a hotel manager. (GIGGLES GOOFILY) Oh, my goodness.

NICK:

Now, now, what's the matter, Mr. Pentwhistle?

PENTWHISTLE:

(SOTTO VOCE) She's coming ba-ack.

NICK:

Who's coming back?

PENTWHISTLE:

The other bride.

NICK:

What other bride?

PENTWHISTLE:

The one with the teeth!

NICK:

What teeth? Ouch! My ear!

ELLEN:

Hello, Nicky darling.

NICK:

Oh, hello, Ellen. (SECOND TAKE) Ellen!

ELLEN:

Yes!

NICK:

Ellen?

ELLEN:

(GIGGLES)

NICK:

(INHALES CRAZILY) Ellen! Ohh!

SOUND:

NICK COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR

ELLEN:

Oh! Nick! Oh, dear! He - he fainted. He's fainted. What'll we do, Mr. Pentwhistle?

PENTWHISTLE:

Do you want my advice?

ELLEN:

Yes!

PENTWHISTLE:

Put a cocoanut in his mouth and pretend he's a potted palm! ...

SOUND:

FRONT DESK BELL RINGS

PENTWHISTLE:

Front!

MUSIC:

WRY BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

ELLEN:

Are you feeling better, Nick?

NICK:

Dizzy. Very dizzy.

ELLEN:

It was nice of Mr. Pentwhistle to let us use his office.

NICK:

Oh, Ellen, we've got to talk.

ELLEN:

Yes, we certainly do! What's the idea of your getting married?

NICK:

Well, that's just it. My wife--

ELLEN:

I'm your wife!

NICK:

Bianca isn't going to like that.

ELLEN:

Well, I'm not going to like Bianca!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

PENTWHISTLE:

Er, well, Mr. Arden--?

NICK:

Oh, hello, Mr. Pentwhistle.

PENTWHISTLE:

How do you feel?

NICK:

As if I'm going in circles.

PENTWHISTLE:

Eh, well, the next time you pass this way there's a phone call for you.

NICK:

Who from?

PENTWHISTLE:

Your wife. The other one.

NICK:

Oh, thanks.

PENTWHISTLE:

You can use the phone on the desk. This I have to hear.

ELLEN:

Oh, Nick. Nick?

NICK:

What?

ELLEN:

Before you pick it up--?

NICK:

Yes, Ellen?

ELLEN:

A kiss?

NICK:

(AGREES) Mm. (A JUICY KISS)

PENTWHISTLE:

Mr. Arden--?

NICK:

(PLEASED GRUNT)

PENTWHISTLE:

Would you mind stop scuffing my rug?

ELLEN:

(SATISFIED SIGH) That's all I wanted to know.

NICK:

(RECOVERING FROM KISS) Oh, my, my, my, my.

ELLEN:

(QUIET LAUGH)

NICK:

Nothing's changed, nothing's changed -- not a thing.

ELLEN:

(AGREES) No. (GIGGLES) Now you can talk to Bianca.

NICK:

Bianca?

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes, the phone, the phone.

NICK:

Phone? Phone. Oh, ooh.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

NICK:

Hello! Who's this?

BIANCA:

(FILTER, EMOTIONALLY NEEDY) Nick?

NICK:

Oh, Bianca. Oh, hello, Bianca! What's new?! ...

BIANCA:

(FILTER) Nick? Don't you say "darling" anymore?

NICK:

Yes, darling.

ELLEN:

Darling!

NICK:

Ouch!

BIANCA:

(FILTER) What happened?

NICK:

Well, I - I - I just barked my shin. Just a minute, Bianca. (LOW VOICE) Now, Ellen, stop kicking me.

ELLEN:

Well, you cut out that "darling."

NICK:

Well, just don't kick me. (INTO PHONE) He--? Hello, Bianca?

BIANCA:

(FILTER) Where are you?

NICK:

Uhhhhh-- Barber shop!

BIANCA:

(FILTER) But why? I'm waiting for you, darling.

NICK:

Need a haircut!

BIANCA:

(FILTER) But you don't need a haircut.

NICK:

Shave!

BIANCA:

(FILTER) You shaved this morning.

NICK:

Shampoooooo?

BIANCA:

(FILTER) Nick! Please. Hurry. Don't forget this is our wedding night, darling.

NICK:

I'll tie a string around my finger.

BIANCA:

(FILTER) I'll be waiting, Nick.

NICK:

I'll be right up, darling. Ouch! (TO ELLEN) Oh, oh. Forgot, forgot.

ELLEN:

What does she want?

NICK:

(INTO PHONE) Right up! Bye!

SOUND:

HANGS UP RECEIVER

NICK:

Huh?

ELLEN:

What does she want?

NICK:

Well, she says she's hungry; wants a corned beef sandwich. ...

ELLEN:

Oh. Oh, well, if that's all she wants, you just stay right here and let Mr. Pentwhistle go.

PENTWHISTLE:

Mr. Pentwhistle would just as soon stick his neck in a bread slicer. ...

NICK:

Ellen - Ellen, now, listen. Let's go somewhere where we can be alone.

ELLEN:

Yes. Where?

NICK:

Your room.

ELLEN:

Oh, oh, oh, but I don't have one.

NICK:

Oh, then I'll get you one. Mr. Pentwhistle--?

PENTWHISTLE:

Don't say it, don't say it.

NICK:

A room for Mrs.-- Um, for Miss Wagstaff.

PENTWHISTLE:

Oh, why did I ever run away from the pool room? ...

NICK:

We'll take Suite A, if you have it.

PENTWHISTLE:

But you don't like Suite A!

ELLEN:

Mm-hmmmmmm! He does now!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

SOUND:

FIREPLACE LOGS CRACKLE

ELLEN:

And then along came the freighter, and I lit the fire on the hill, and that's all there was to it.

NICK:

Mm. Seven years on an island.

ELLEN:

Seven years.

NICK:

Oh, I've missed you, Ellen. So have the children.

ELLEN:

I saw them. They're darling.

NICK:

(CHUCKLES WARMLY) Did you tell them yet?

ELLEN:

No, not yet, Nick. I want to do it gradually. It'd be kind of a shock.

NICK:

Shock? The most shocking thing of all is that I'm married again and I'm still terribly in love with you.

ELLEN:

Hm, well, if you think that's shocking, how would you like to come home after seven years and find your husband checked into a hotel with another woman?

NICK:

Oh! Now, she's not just another woman. She's my wife!

ELLEN:

Seems to me you've just bagged more than the legal limit! ...

NICK:

How in the world did this happen to me? How did I suddenly become a bigamist?

ELLEN:

The question is: what are you going to do about it?

NICK:

Well, naturally, I want to do the right thing by everyone.

ELLEN:

Well, fine. Then you start by telling Bianca--

NICK:

Ohhhh noooo. Can't do that!

ELLEN:

Well, why not?

NICK:

She wouldn't understand. Sensitive. High strung.

ELLEN:

Not as "high strung" as I'd like to see her. ...

NICK:

Now, Ellen. Now, listen, you just leave this to me.

ELLEN:

All right, then. You just march right into her room and tell her that your wife's come back.

NICK:

On her wedding night?

ELLEN:

Yes. Tell her she got bumped by "higher priority." ...

NICK:

Oh, believe me, you can't bump Bianca.

ELLEN:

Mm hm. Well, nothing could be farther from my mind. Nicholas Arden, do you love that woman?

NICK:

No.

ELLEN:

Do you love me?

NICK:

Yes.

ELLEN:

Well, just don't do something. Stand there!

NICK:

All right. Soon as I get a shave and a haircut.

ELLEN:

Oh, Nick! Stop stalling.

NICK:

Oh, well, now, Ellen, be reasonable. I - I just can't walk in there like a dope and say (GOOFY VOICE) "Sorry, my mistake, marriage is off!" (BACK TO NORMAL) Can I? ...

ELLEN:

(EQUALLY GOOFY) Well, you just say it, or I will! ...

NICK:

Oh, all right. In that case, I'll say it.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

NICK:

Yes?

SOUND:

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

PENTWHISTLE:

Uh, Mr. Arden, I don't want to be prissy about this but, er, your wife would like to see you.

NICK:

(DISTRACTED) Which wife? Which wife?

PENTWHISTLE:

The one in Suite C.

NICK:

Oh, that wife.

PENTWHISTLE:

If you'll follow me, please, Mr. Arden.

NICK:

Ellen, I'm off to see Bianca. I'll be strong.

ELLEN:

(OFF) You'd better be, or I'll tell her myself!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... NICK'S & PENTWHISTLE'S FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY, UNTIL [X]

PENTWHISTLE:

Right down this hall, Mr. Arden, is your suite. It's a nice suite. Your wife is a nice woman.

NICK:

Which wife?

PENTWHISTLE:

The one in Suite C. [X] The one inside this door. Now, why don't you go inside and -- stay there? Please?

NICK:

Now, now, let me explain; it's as simple as A-B-C.

PENTWHISTLE:

(SHOCKED) Now, don't tell me you got another one in B?! ...

NICK:

Mister Pentwhistle, Mister-- Why don't you just forget about me and my problems?

PENTWHISTLE:

(ABRUPTLY) Good night, Mr. Arden.

SOUND:

PENTWHISTLE'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY

NICK:

Good night. Huh. Hmm. Well, what a problem. (REHEARSES HIS SPEECH, WEAKLY) "Now, now, Bianca. Now, Bi--" Oh, no, that's not strong enough. Oh, no. (MORE FIRM) "Now, now Bianca. Something's come up. This is the situation. Truth is stranger than fiction. Now, Bianca, there's something between two people who've been married that you don't get between two people who haven't been married!" ... Now, now let me see. Is that right? Yeah. All right, now, now-- "Be big, Bianca. Be brave. You will? That's a girl."

SOUND:

HE OPENS DOOR AND ENTERS

BIANCA:

Nick?!

NICK:

(COMICALLY FAST, LOUD AND INTENSE) Bianca, something's come up!

BIANCA:

What?

NICK:

My wife!

BIANCA:

Nick, you're talking so strangely.

NICK:

Bianca, there's a situation between two people who've never been married! Truth is stranger than a Frenchman! ... Be big! Be brave! ...

BIANCA:

Nick, I don't understand you.

NICK:

Oh, you don't? Well, in that case, good night.

BIANCA:

Darling! Oh, ho, ho, darling. Are you just bashful, is that what's wrong?

NICK:

Uh... Bashful! Yeah, that's it. Buck fever! See ya later!

BIANCA:

Nick!

NICK:

Going down to get a deck of cards! Canasta!

BIANCA:

Come inside! Come on, Nick.

NICK:

(CALMS DOWN) Uh, come inside, huh? Well, all right.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS COME IN - DOOR CLOSES

BIANCA:

(SEDUCTIVELY) I've sent down for some champagne.

NICK:

Oh, can't drink the stuff; gives me hiccups. (WEIRD THROAT SOUNDS) Like that. (AGAIN) Terrible!

BIANCA:

All right, darling. Now, why don't you relax and put your dressing gown on -- just like me, hm?

NICK:

Oh, I'd look silly in your dressing gown, Bianca. ...

BIANCA:

Darling! Darling, don't be afraid of me. I'm your wife!

NICK:

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

BIANCA:

Oh, Nick. Come on, put your arms around me.

NICK:

Well, are you sure your mother won't mind?

BIANCA:

We're man and wife, darling. Now -- what would you like to do?

SOUND:

TELEPHONE RINGS

NICK:

Answer the phone!

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

NICK:

Hello?! Hello?!

ELLEN:

(FILTER, IMPATIENT) This is Ellen. Did you tell her yet?

NICK:

(LOW VOICE) No, not yet. I'm working up to it.

ELLEN:

(FILTER, THREATENING) I'll be right in! (HANGS UP)

NICK:

(PANICS) Oh, no, no, don't! Hello?! Hello?!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

BIANCA:

Who was that, Nick?

NICK:

Well, uh-- Well, uh-- (COMICALLY FAST, LOUD AND INTENSE AGAIN) It's an important client! Very important! Got his habeas caught in a corpus! Have to go back and work tomorrow! Gotta go right now, start packing!

SOUND:

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR

BIANCA:

Nick! Nick! How can you treat me like this? Where are you going?

NICK:

Have to file a quick affidavit!

BIANCA:

Oh, Nick.

NICK:

No time to explain! Hurry! Hurry!

BIANCA:

Niiick!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... FOOTSTEPS DOWN HALL

NICK:

Ellen. Ellen.

ELLEN:

Let me into that room!

NICK:

Sssshhhh!

ELLEN:

Now, don't try to stop me.

NICK:

All right, I'll tell her myself. All I need is time.

ELLEN:

What were you doing in there?

NICK:

Briefing her. ...

ELLEN:

Get out of my way!

NICK:

Oh, now, Ellen. Bianca and I are not going to spend the night in the hotel.

ELLEN:

Oh? You aren't?

NICK:

No. No, we're - we're driving back home.

ELLEN:

Oh.

NICK:

Now, why don't you catch the next plane back and we'll settle everything in a nice, civilized manner?

ELLEN:

(SKEPTICAL) I know your "civilized manner." That's what got me into this hotel seven years ago. ...

NICK:

Ellen, Ellen, I promise you -- I promise you I'll tell her. (PAUSE AS ELLEN RELUCTANTLY AGREES) Well, now, come on. Let's go back to your room.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS DOWN THE CORRIDOR ... UNDER

ELLEN:

Seven lonely years. All those years on an island. Nobody to talk to.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... UNDER

ELLEN:

Nothing but memories, my love for you, and the will to stay alive. Hoping against hope that you'd wait. And then to come home and find myself legally dead!

NICK:

(GENUINE SYMPATHY) I know, Ellen, dear. I'll make it up to you.

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR

NICK:

Yes?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, well, you are fickle, aren't you?

NICK:

Just leaving, Mr. Pentwhistle.

PENTWHISTLE:

Eh, before you do, would you mind delivering a message to your wi-- uh, to that wom-- To whoever she is in there with you?

NICK:

Right. Fire away.

PENTWHISTLE:

A Mr. Steven Burkett phoned earlier.

NICK:

Steven Burkett?

PENTWHISTLE:

Yes. He says to tell her he "left her things from the island with her mother-in-law."

NICK:

Uh, things from the island?

PENTWHISTLE:

Mm hm. And that "seven years together wasn't nearly enough." He'd like to see her again. Goodbye and good luck.

SOUND:

PENTWHISTLE'S FOOTSTEPS OUT THE DOOR WHICH CLOSES BEHIND HIM

NICK:

(CONFUSED, TO HIMSELF) Steven Burkett? Steven Burkett?

ELLEN:

(UNEASILY) Steven Burkett? Oh, uh, what did you say, Nick?

NICK:

Just a minute, quiet, quiet, quiet now. Let me think. (TO HIMSELF) "Things from the island"?

ELLEN:

(REASSURING) Uh, now, now, Nicky, Nicky--

NICK:

(TO HIMSELF) Seven years? (SUDDENLY UNDERSTANDS, NOT HAPPY) Ellen?!

ELLEN:

Nicky, Nicky, I can explain.

NICK:

Now, was there a man on that island with you?

ELLEN:

What island?

NICK:

You know what island!

ELLEN:

Oh, that island.

NICK:

Was there a man with you?

ELLEN:

Pardon me, dear.

SOUND:

HER FOOTSTEPS - TRYING TO GET AWAY

NICK:

Well, was there--? Wait a minute. Where are you going?

ELLEN:

Out!

NICK:

Out where?

ELLEN:

For a shave and a haircut!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you an invitation. An invitation to examine the fine new Ford for 1951. It's on display now at your neighborhood Ford dealers and we want you to see it. We want you to drive it. Because this car is the finest Ford ever produced. It's a quality car, a car that's designed and built to give you lasting satisfaction in the years ahead. When you inspect the 1951 Ford, you'll find that it offers forty-three "Look Ahead" features, features that will keep it young in performance, young in style for years to come. Among them you'll find the new Automatic Ride Control for an easy ride, a level ride; the Automatic Mileage Maker for real fuel economy; and new Luxury Lounge Interiors with rich, color-harmonized Fordcraft Fabrics. We invite you to see all forty-three "Look Ahead" features of this great new Ford for 1951 at your Ford dealers tomorrow.

MUSIC:

FOR A TRANSITION, IN AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

You are listening to the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night feature of NBC's All-Star Festival. The third act of "My Favorite Wife" will continue after a brief pause for station identification. (PAUSE)

MUSIC:

FOR A TRANSITION, IN AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Now for the third act of the Screen Directors Playhouse production of "My Favorite Wife," starring Cary Grant as Nick and Irene Dunne as Ellen.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRO, THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Nicholas Arden is not a happy man. Wife number one has fled he knows not where, leaving behind only the thought that she has spent seven years on a desert island with another man.

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

CAR ENGINE, IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

And wife number two sits glaring beside him as their car travels through the ghastly night.

BIANCA:

(TEARFUL) Nicholas Arden, don't you think you owe me an explanation?

NICK:

Yes, I do.

BIANCA:

Well?

NICK:

I can't think of one. ...

BIANCA:

(GASPING, THEN SOBBING)

NICK:

Oh, well. Bianca, you must think I've behaved very strangely.

BIANCA:

(SOBBING) I certainly do.

NICK:

Mm. It runs in the family. The night my father was married, he pitched horse shoes until four o'clock in the morning.

BIANCA:

I don't care about your father. We've driven all night and all day without a stop and now it's night again. (SOBS, IN BG)

NICK:

Yeah. Mother never forgave him. Pitched horse shoes all night. Never won a single game.

BIANCA:

Ohhhh!

SOUND:

CAR ENGINE OUT

MUSIC:

BRIDGE, THEN OUT

ELLEN:

Chinch?

CHINCH:

Yes'm?

ELLEN:

Timmy?

TIMMY:

Yes'm?

ELLEN:

No more stories.

CHINCH:

Not even one?

ELLEN:

No. It's time for bed.

TIMMY:

Do we have to go to bed, grandma?

MOTHER:

If Ellen says you do, you do.

TIMMY:

(RELUCTANT GRUMBLE)

ELLEN:

Off with you now, brush your teeth and wash your faces.

CHINCH:

(MOVING OFF) Come on Timmy, I guess we gotta.

TIMMY:

(MOVING OFF) It ain't fair.

ELLEN:

(CALLS, GENTLE CORRECTION) Isn't fair!

MOTHER:

Ellen, dear. Don't you think that they should know you're their mother?

ELLEN:

Oh, I'll tell them. I'm just afraid, I guess.

MOTHER:

Well, do you want Nick to tell them?

ELLEN:

No. No, I'll do it.

SOUND:

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

MOTHER:

Oh, there's Nick's car. Here they are.

SOUND:

CAR ENGINE OUT

ELLEN:

(EXHALES) All right. Now, have you got it straight?

MOTHER:

(AGREES) Mm hm.

ELLEN:

You'll introduce me as an old friend of the family from the south.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS, NICK AND BIANCA ENTER

NICK:

(FROM OFF) Well, here we are. Hello!

MOTHER:

Come in, Nick!

ELLEN:

(QUIETLY, TO MOTHER) Let's go.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

BIANCA:

(FROM OFF) Nick, aren't you going to carry me over the threshold?

ELLEN:

(RIDICULOUS SOUTHERN ACCENT) Why, there he is now!

NICK:

Oh, no. Oh, my, my, my. Look at that. Aunt Jemima.

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Let me give the bridegroom a great big sisterly kiss -- just for luck!

NICK:

(GRUNTS)

SOUND:

BIG WET SMACKS!

BIANCA:

(UNHAPPY) All right, sister, he's lucky enough!

ELLEN:

(S.A., LETS GO OF NICK, SATISFIED) There!

MOTHER:

Er, hello, Bianca. Er, now, this is an old friend of the family from - Virginia. Yes. Her name is, uh, uh-- Her name--

ELLEN:

(S.A., CHEERY) Effie! And you're the bride!

NICK:

Yes, she is. Now, you just run along home, "Effie."

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Now, I'm visitin' here!

BIANCA:

Nick, I'm still waiting.

NICK:

Waiting? What for?

BIANCA:

The threshold.

NICK:

Oh.

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Come on! Carry her over the threshold, Nicky darlin'!

NICK:

Oh. All right. Well, here goes. (GRUNTS, STRUGGLES TO LIFT BIANCA)

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Isn't he too sweet for words? He's just a doll!

NICK:

(STRUGGLING) Over the threshold, Bianca.

SOUND:

NICK TRIPS, STAGGERS

BIANCA:

Nick! Oh!

SOUND:

NICK AND BIANCA CRASH TO THE FLOOR

NICK:

(BEAT) I tripped on "Effie." ...

ELLEN:

(S.A.) It was mah clumsy ole foot!

MOTHER:

Well, are you all right, dear?

NICK:

Let me help you up, dear.

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Oh, I'm so sorry. Will y'all forgive me? I hope that doesn't mean bad luck.

BIANCA:

(GRIMLY) Nothing could give this marriage a worse start than it already has.

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Oh, isn't that nice?

NICK:

(TO ELLEN) Oh, now, stop it. ...

ELLEN:

(S.A.) I'm just crazy about your husband, crazy about him. He was the dullest boy y' ever did see until he got gawky. Don't you think he's gawky? I think he's gawky. ...

NICK:

(OFFENDED) I wasn't aware that I "gawked."

BIANCA:

Please, Nick, I'm awfully tired.

MOTHER:

Well, let me show you to your room.

BIANCA:

(INSISTENT) Nick will show me.

ELLEN:

(S.A.) Oh, Nick and I want to talk over "old times." Don't we?

NICK:

No, we "don't we."

ELLEN:

(S.A.) We can do it right here if you want. Nicky, remember the night we were marr--?

NICK:

(QUICKLY INTERRUPTS) Bianca! Bianca. Heh heh. Why don't you go up to bed?

BIANCA:

(MOVING OFF) Are you coming?

NICK:

Uh, in a minute, yes.

ELLEN:

(S.A., CALLS TO BIANCA) I'll send sugarplum up just as soon as ah'm through with 'im.

NICK:

(QUIETLY, TO ELLEN, MOCKING HER ACCENT) Why don't you hush yo' big mouth?

ELLEN:

(S.A., QUIETLY, TO NICK) Now, don't make me mad, "honeychild," or I'll blab my head off.

NICK:

Ohhh. (CALLS) Bianca, I'll - I'll see you upstairs.

BIANCA:

(DISGUSTED, FROM OFF) Ohhh, good night.

SOUND:

BIANCA'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY

ELLEN:

(S.A., CALLS MERRILY AFTER BIANCA) Good night, y'all! Sweet dreams! (CHUCKLES, DROPS THE ACCENT, GETS SERIOUS, WITH SYMPATHY) Oh, Nick, you're in a terrible pickle, aren't you? You haven't told her yet.

NICK:

No, I haven't. And what about that - that - that Steven Burkett? You ran out fast enough when I brought up that topic of conversation.

ELLEN:

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) Oh, well, well, I can explain about him.

NICK:

Seven years on an island together. Why didn't you tell me?

ELLEN:

Well, I knew you would fly to conclusions.

NICK:

Well, after seven years, there's no place else to fly to! ...

ELLEN:

Little old Steven! Are you jealous of him?

NICK:

Oh, please stop talking as though he were a casual acquaintance.

ELLEN:

Poor Steven. He broke his leg getting on the island. It took a whole year to mend.

NICK:

Hm. What about the other six years?

ELLEN:

Nick, if you could only meet him, you'd see how silly you are.

NICK:

Silly? What's so silly?

ELLEN:

Well, he's such a little man. I don't think he weighs over a hundred and twenty pounds -- and he spent most of his time pursuing his hobby.

NICK:

What hobby?

ELLEN:

Nature. ... No, I mean - I mean flowers! And plants and things.

NICK:

Oh.

ELLEN:

Oh, Nicky, he's so harmless. After all, a man over sixty!

NICK:

Well-- Sixty?

ELLEN:

Yes, darling.

NICK:

Well, why didn't you tell me?

ELLEN:

Well, I had a hunch you'd carry on this way.

BIANCA:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Nick, are you coming up?!

NICK:

(CALLS) Coming right up!

ELLEN:

Nick Arden, I should feel insulted. You cross-examining me this way, while that woman yells for my husband in my house!

NICK:

Oh, yeah. Well, the poor girl thinks she's married, just because we had a wedding ceremony. ...

BIANCA:

(CALLS, OFF) Nick!

NICK:

(CALLS) Coming!

ELLEN:

Nick, are you going to tell her?

NICK:

Sure.

ELLEN:

When?

NICK:

Now.

ELLEN:

Stout fella.

NICK:

Oh, that's me.

ELLEN:

Kiss good night?

NICK:

Right.

ELLEN:

(GRUNTS)

SOUND:

BIG WET SMACK!

ELLEN:

Oh, you Casanova, you!

BIANCA:

(CALLS, OFF) Nick! I'm waiting!

MUSIC:

OPTIMISTIC BRIDGE, THEN OUT

BIANCA:

Nick. Nick, I just want to know one thing. Do you love me?

NICK:

Bianca - (CLEARS HIS THROAT) - you're one of the most attractive girls I've ever met.

BIANCA:

I'm your wife!

NICK:

Well, that's what I was coming to. Bianca, in the course of human events, it sometimes happens that two people get all fouled up.

BIANCA:

Oh! For the love of heaven, tell me, what's wrong with me?

NICK:

Oh, nothing, Bianca. Believe me, under other circumstances, who knows?

BIANCA:

Oh... (STARTS CRYING)

NICK:

Well, now. Now, look. Let's - let's start at the beginning. Once there was a man who met a girl. I'm the man and you're the girl. Now, see? Isn't that simple?

BIANCA:

What are you trying to say?

NICK:

Well, just this.

SOUND:

DOOR BELL RINGS ... OFF

NICK:

Oh, the door bell's ringing! Be right back!

SOUND:

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS ... SCRAMBLES OUT OF BEDROOM AND SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HIM ... HURRIES DOWN STAIRS, OPENS FRONT DOOR

NICK:

Yes?

STEVEN:

Hi! I suppose you're Nick.

NICK:

I suppose I am.

STEVEN:

Glad to meetcha! Shake!

NICK:

Oh, how do ya do? (PAIN FROM HANDSHAKE) Ohhh!

STEVEN:

Hurt your hand? Heh! Don't know my own strength.

NICK:

Who are you?

STEVEN:

I'm "Adam" from the island. ...

NICK:

"Adam"?

STEVEN:

I guess Ellen hasn't told you about our nicknames.

NICK:

Nicknames?

STEVEN:

I'm Steven Burkett.

NICK:

(SHARP GASP) You are Steven Burkett?!

STEVEN:

Yep! Guess we've got a lot in common, huh?

NICK:

Oh, undoubtedly. Now, tell me this - this - this nickname business. What did you call Ellen?

STEVEN:

Eve.

NICK:

Eve.

STEVEN:

Adam and Eve.

NICK:

Well. Oh, that's clever. Adam and Eve.

STEVEN:

Say, uh, uh, d'you mind if I come in?

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS IN ... DOOR SHUTS

STEVEN:

Heh. Kind of a low door you've got there. Almost bumped my head.

NICK:

Well, at a hundred and twenty pounds, Mr. Burkett, you would have made it easily.

STEVEN:

Aw, you're kidding me.

NICK:

I wouldn't kid you, Mr. Burkett. My, but you look amazingly spry for a man of sixty.

STEVEN:

I'm not sixty.

NICK:

You're not? Well, that is a surprise. And how is your broken leg, Mr. Burkett?

STEVEN:

I didn't break my leg, old man.

NICK:

I'm sorry.

STEVEN:

Once I, uh-- Once I sprained my toe when I kicked an alligator.

NICK:

Oh, sure. Kicked--? Now, imagine a nature lover like you, kicking an alligator. ...

BIANCA:

(CALLS, OFF) Nick! Come up here!

NICK:

(CALLS) Yes, Bianca!

STEVEN:

What was that?

NICK:

Well, that was a female alligator, calling to her mate. ... You see, you see, Adam-- You don't mind if I call you Adam?

STEVEN:

Oh, not at all.

NICK:

Well, you see, Adam, I too am part of nature -- the part that goes over the fence last. ... Now, listen here, all I've got to say is that if you spent seven years on an island with my wife, I'm in trouble.

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

We'll return to our drama in just a moment. Right now, here's a word from RCA Victor.

You remember the wonderful one-horse shay?
It ran a hundred years to a day.
But then went to pieces all at once and nothing first,
Just as bubbles do when they burst.

Well, many of us depend on radios and phonographs practically in the one-horse shay class. Faithful servants but mighty pathetic beside new models. Don't wait till yours do that final bubble dance. Replace them now and save money. When you visit your RCA Victor dealer to buy your million-proof television set, buy it in a magnificent RCA Victor combination unit, accompanied by two superb new radios, AM and FM, and two superb new phonographs which play all record speeds. You'll pay far less for these five wonderful instruments combined in one beautiful cabinet than you'd pay for them separately. And, of course, right down the line in all of them, you'll get that matchless quality which has made RCA Victor world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Now, back to our story, "My Favorite Wife" starring Irene Dunne and Cary Grant.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRO ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

And, once again, the Fates look down and laugh at Nicholas Arden as he tiptoes to the door of Ellen Arden, wife number one. The Fates laugh, and Nick taps on the door.

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

TAPS ON DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

ELLEN:

(SURPRISED) Nick!

NICK:

Ssssshhh!

SOUND:

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS INTO ROOM ... DOOR SHUTS

ELLEN:

I was just going to bed.

NICK:

Mm. Ellen. I'd like you tell me again about Steven Burkett.

ELLEN:

Poor old Steven.

NICK:

With the broken leg.

ELLEN:

(LAUGHS) A hundred and twenty pounds.

NICK:

(LAUGHS) Sixty years old.

ELLEN:

(LAUGHS) Nature lover.

NICK:

(LAUGHS) Poor little old Adam.

ELLEN:

(STARTS TO LAUGH, THEN STOPS SUDDENLY) Adam?

NICK:

Yeah. Adam. That puny half-pint is downstairs standing on his hands just for exercise. ...

ELLEN:

Steven? Here?

NICK:

(SARDONIC) Adam and Eve. I suppose I'm just the viper in the garden of paradise.

ELLEN:

You are not. You're the apple.

BIANCA:

(CALLS, OFF) Nick! Where are you?

ELLEN:

She's the viper.

NICK:

Now, why did you lie to me about--?

ELLEN:

Nick, I did nothing on that island to be ashamed of.

NICK:

Well, what did you do for seven years? Swat tsetse-flies? ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... FOOTSTEPS IN

STEVEN:

I heard your voices in here, and I thought I'd just pop in and say "hello."

NICK:

Well, you can just pop right out again. My wife's dressed for bed.

STEVEN:

Ah, I've seen her in a lot less than that, haven't I, Eve? ...

ELLEN:

(UNCONVINCING) Yes, but it was pretty foggy most of the time.

NICK:

Oh, this is no time to talk about the weather!

STEVEN:

Now, see here, old man, there's no cause to get excited.

NICK:

My whole life is falling apart and I can't even get excited in my own home. What are you doing here, anyway?

STEVEN:

I was lonely for Eve. After all, we used to see quite a bit of each other.

NICK:

(IRONIC LAUGHTER) Yah ha - ha ha!

STEVEN:

I might as well state my case right now, old man. I love your wife.

ELLEN:

Steven!

STEVEN:

I can't help it, Eve, you're an extraordinary woman. If Nicholas doesn't want you, I do.

ELLEN:

Do you want me, Nick?

NICK:

I'm not so sure.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BIANCA:

(MOVING IN) Nick!

NICK:

Bianca, it's time you knew. I'm a married man!

BIANCA:

What are you doing in this woman's room?

NICK:

She's no woman. She's my wife.

BIANCA:

I'm your wife! Nick, what are you trying to do?

ELLEN:

Yes, Nick. Explain to us, what are you trying to do?

BIANCA:

What have you got to do with this, Effie?

ELLEN:

Yes, Nick, what's Effie got to do with this? ...

BIANCA:

What's going on here? Am I going crazy?

NICK:

I've been trying to tell you, Bianca. This is my wife: Ellen!

BIANCA:

The dead one?

STEVEN:

Oh, she's pretty lively, I can vouch for that! ...

NICK:

Bianca, we've got to face it. My wife Ellen came back. All a mistake. We'll - we'll laugh about it some day. (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Ha, ha, ha, ha.

BIANCA:

Bigamist!

SOUND:

BIANCA SLAPS NICK AND WALKS AWAY

BIANCA:

(MOVING OFF) I'm seeing my lawyer in the morning.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

ELLEN:

Nicholas Arden, you deserved that slap.

NICK:

Why did I? All I did was tell her the truth.

ELLEN:

Well, the poor girl's in love with you! And what do you do? You walk all over her.

STEVEN:

What I want to know is, which one of us gets Eve?

NICK:

Stop calling my wife "Eve"!

ELLEN:

He doesn't like it, Adam.

NICK:

Now, stop that!

ELLEN:

He's just jealous. Making mountains out of molehills.

NICK:

Some molehill. A desert island.

STEVEN:

Which one of us do you want, Eve? Choose your mate! I'm strong and healthy!

NICK:

I'm just gawky. ...

ELLEN:

Well, I'll have to think about it.

NICK:

It's against the law for you to think. You're legally dead.

ELLEN:

Oh? Well, we'll see about that tomorrow.

NICK:

Good.

ELLEN:

In court!

NICK:

Right.

ELLEN:

Bigamist!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

SOUND:

COURTROOM CROWD WALLA ... SHOUTING ... OVERLAPS WITH FOLLOWING

NICK:

Your Honor, I'm a victim of circumstance! Here I am accused of bigamy--!

SOUND:

JUDGE BANGS GAVEL

JUDGE:

Quiet! Quiet!! QUIET!!!

SOUND:

WALLA OUT

JUDGE:

Pardon me. Don't I know you?

NICK:

Hm?

JUDGE:

I say, don't I know you?

NICK:

Well, you married me, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

Oh, yes! You're the lawyer. This is a civil court, Mr. Arden, we don't handle bigamy here. What kind of lawyer are you? What school did you go to?

NICK:

Harvard, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

(POINTEDLY) I'm a Yale man, myself. ... Where is the "kissless" bride?

BIANCA:

Here, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

(READS) "Bianca Bates." Hmm. (TO BIANCA) You're sure you're kissless?

BIANCA:

Ask this miserable worm I was married to.

NICK:

She's kissless, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

(AS IF THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING) Harvard man. ...

BIANCA:

I want an annulment.

JUDGE:

Granted!

SOUND:

JUDGE BANGS GAVEL

BIANCA:

(MOVING OFF, IRONIC) This is the happiest day of my life!

JUDGE:

You know, I used to know a girl who looked just like her. She sold neck ties. ...

STEVEN:

Your honor, what about Ellen Wagstaff Arden?

JUDGE:

What about her?

STEVEN:

Well, you declared her legally dead.

JUDGE:

Yes, so I did. This Harvard man here prepared the brief.

ELLEN:

But I'm not dead, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

What do you want me to do, reverse myself? Go to the court of appeals; they're always reversing me anyway.

NICK:

(MOVING OFF) Now, if Your Honor pleases, I can point out the pertinent facts in the brief. Now you see, right here and here--

JUDGE:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) Now, just a moment young man--

SOUND:

NICK AND JUDGE CONFER ... IN BG ... UNDER FOLLOWING DIALOGUE:

STEVEN:

(LOW VOICE) Ellen? Ellen, what about it? Will you marry me?

ELLEN:

(LETS HIM DOWN GENTLY) Oh, Steven, thank you so much. But it's Nick.

STEVEN:

(DISAPPOINTED BUT GALLANT) All right, Ellen. I tried.

JUDGE:

Mr. Arden, get off my lap! I don't need you to show me how to read a brief! You get down there with that woman.

NICK:

Yes, Your Honor. Well, you see, I have here a precedent for this case. I cite Mulligan vs. Mulligan-Benson, in the city of Fresno, 1879.

JUDGE:

Are you going to complicate this thing?

NICK:

No, Your Honor. You see, the first wife returned after an absence of considerable length to find that her husband, Mr. Mulligan, had remarried.

JUDGE:

Remarried?

NICK:

But Mrs. Mulligan-Benson, or rather Mrs. Benson-Mulligan, the second wife--

JUDGE:

I don't understand this at all.

ELLEN:

Well, it was a sort of a Mulligan stew. ...

JUDGE:

Young woman, I could hold you in contempt of court for that remark. Don't let me get af' you.

NICK:

Yes, well, Your Honor, when the first wife returned, the second wife immediately sued for annulment, which left Mr. Mulligan free to remarry either the first wife or the second wife, Mrs. Bulligan-Menson. You see?

JUDGE:

Well, don't just stand there gawking. What did he do?

NICK:

Oh. He dropped dead of cirrhosis of the liver. ...

ELLEN:

And they never did find out whether he slept with his beard over the covers or under the covers.

JUDGE:

Now, that remark is going to cost you twenty-five dollars.

SOUND:

JUDGE BANGS GAVEL

ELLEN:

But, Your Honor, I'm legally dead.

JUDGE:

All right, you're legally alive!

SOUND:

JUDGE BANGS GAVEL

JUDGE:

And make it fifty dollars! Pay the clerk! Court's adjourned.

NICK:

Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

I want to go home and tell my wife about this case. She thinks most of my cases are dull. (MOVING OFF) I still don't understand--

NICK:

Well, Ellen, here you are, alive and kicking. Now you and Adam can get back to nature.

ELLEN:

Nick, aren't you ashamed of yourself, saying a thing like that?

NICK:

Why? An hour ago, I was a bigamist. Now I don't have any wife at all. Not one single, solitary wife.

ELLEN:

Well, it's your own fault.

NICK:

What did I do?

ELLEN:

You were a jealous brute.

NICK:

Well, I've got a right to be jealous. Ellen, you know, I'll have to think this whole thing over very carefully.

ELLEN:

Yes, then maybe you'll make up your mind to forgive me for not drowning.

NICK:

Oh, well, it isn't that. It--

ELLEN:

Well, I've got some thinking to do myself. And I'm not so sure I want you, the way you're acting.

NICK:

Well, Ellen, it's not that I don't love you, but--

ELLEN:

Yes, it's you don't approve of me. No, Nick. I'll have to consider this carefully. I'd like to take the children, go away for a few weeks, and that way, we'd get to know each other better, and then - I could tell them I'm their mother -- and I can think about "us."

NICK:

Where are you going to go?

ELLEN:

I don't know. The hotel in Yosemite, I guess.

NICK:

How're you going to get there?

ELLEN:

Oh, drive.

NICK:

What, in this weather?

ELLEN:

Oh, it's not so bad with tire chains.

NICK:

Oh, no, not with the kids. I'll - I'll drive you myself.

ELLEN:

Well, if you want to. I think I'll stay until Christmas. That'll give us both time to make sure we know what we want.

NICK:

Leave tomorrow?

ELLEN:

Yes, tomorrow.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

SOUND:

HOTEL LOBBY NOISE, BRIEFLY IN BG ... FRONT DESK BELL RINGS

PENTWHISTLE:

(TO BELLHOP) Front! These bags to room one-twelve. (TO NICK) Now, sir, what can I do for you? My name is Mr. Pentwhistle.

NICK:

I'm Nicholas Arden.

PENTWHISTLE:

You!

NICK:

I brought my family.

PENTWHISTLE:

Mr. Arden, this is a hotel, not a harem.

ELLEN:

(CORRECTS HIM) Just one wife, Mr. Pentwhistle. Me.

PENTWHISTLE:

What happened to the other one? Or am I being nosy?

ELLEN:

She was annulled yesterday morning.

PENTWHISTLE:

Well, congratulations.

NICK:

I'd like two rooms. One for my wife and one for our two children.

PENTWHISTLE:

Children?! Where did they come from?

NICK:

Mister Pentwhistle, Mister--! How would it be if I just told you the story of my life?

PENTWHISTLE:

My wife wouldn't approve. ... Now, we have just two rooms left, they're adjoining. Sign here, please.

NICK:

Right.

SOUND:

SIGNS HOTEL REGISTER WITH PEN

NICK:

Oh, Ellen, where are the kids?

ELLEN:

They're admiring the big Christmas tree. (CALLS) Chinch? Timmy?

SOUND:

CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

CHINCH:

Golly, what a pretty tree.

TIMMY:

They've even got a model of Santa Claus, all dressed up as big as a man!

PENTWHISTLE:

Mr. Ebee, please take Mr. Arden to his rooms. And warn the chambermaids!

NICK:

I won't be staying. I'm driving back tonight.

TIMMY:

Don't you want to see the Santa Claus, daddy?

ELLEN:

At this moment, dear, I don't think your father really believes in Santa Claus.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE AND OUT

SOUND:

ADJOINING ROOM DOOR CLOSES

NICK:

(RELUCTANT TO LEAVE) Well, I - I just said good-bye to the children.

ELLEN:

(YAWNS) Oh, golly, I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed. Have a good drive back, Nick.

NICK:

Oh, sure, sure. I'll have to be careful. Awfully dark at night.

ELLEN:

Oh, I'm so tired. So cozy in here.

NICK:

Cold outside, too. ...

ELLEN:

Well, you'd better start now.

NICK:

You sure you don't want me to, uh--?

ELLEN:

To what?

NICK:

Well, stay with the children? Just tonight?

ELLEN:

No room.

NICK:

Well, we are married.

ELLEN:

But we agreed that everything is suspended until Christmas.

NICK:

Oh, yeah. Christmas.

ELLEN:

This is just the seventh of December.

NICK:

Yes, yes.

ELLEN:

Well, good night, Nick.

NICK:

Good night. (MOVING OFF, POINTEDLY) And I hope I get back all right.

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR OPENS

ELLEN:

Well, I'm sure you will.

NICK:

(OFF) Yeah. Well, good-bye!

ELLEN:

Good-bye.

NICK:

(OFF) Good-bye.

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR CLOSES

ELLEN:

(SHOUTS AFTER HIM) Nick?!

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR OPENS IMMEDIATELY

NICK:

(SIMULTANEOUS WITH DOOR, EAGER) Yes, Ellen? ...

ELLEN:

I just wanted to say "good-bye."

NICK:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Good-bye.

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR CLOSES

ELLEN:

(AFTER A PAUSE, CALLS QUIETLY) Chinch? Timmy?

SOUND:

ADJOINING ROOM DOOR OPENS, CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS IN

CHINCH:

We were just going to bed.

ELLEN:

Well, I - I want you to sit down. You too, Timmy.

TIMMY:

Sure.

ELLEN:

(RELUCTANT) I want to tell you something, about your mummy.

TIMMY:

We're listening.

ELLEN:

(AWKWARD) Well, it's just-- Well, we're all staying together and - I love you both very, very much. And that's because I think you're - you're wonderful children and - and, besides, you see-- (LIKE TELLING A FAIRY TALE) I used to know you a long, long time ago. And, uh--

CHINCH:

Go on, mommy. ...

ELLEN:

What did you say?

TIMMY:

Well, you are our mother, aren'tcha?

ELLEN:

(STUNNED) You - you knew?

CHINCH:

We eavesdropped on you and grandma.

ELLEN:

(RELIEVED) Oh, you kids! Come here!

TIMMY:

(IN CLOSE, FOR A HUG) Hello, mother.

CHINCH:

(IN CLOSE, FOR A HUG) Mommy.

ELLEN:

(HAPPY) What an armful you two are!

SOUND:

KNOCK ON THE DOOR ... IN BG

NICK:

(OUTSIDE) Ellen?

ELLEN:

(LOW VOICE) Hurry, you two get into bed.

NICK:

(OUTSIDE) Ellen, it's Nick!

SOUND:

KNOCKING STOPS

ELLEN:

(LOW VOICE) Go on. Go on, now.

CHINCH:

Good night, mommy.

ELLEN:

Good night. Good night, Timmy.

SOUND:

CHILDREN WALK OUT ADJOINING ROOM DOOR WHICH CLOSES ... ELLEN WALKS TO THE HOTEL ROOM DOOR ... DOOR OPENS

ELLEN:

Well, is something wrong?

NICK:

Car won't start! ...

ELLEN:

Are you sure?

NICK:

Positive!

ELLEN:

Well, then I - I guess you'll have to stay in the hotel for the night.

NICK:

Tried. No rooms left.

ELLEN:

Well, what are you going to do?

NICK:

Sleep in the snow. Thought you'd like to know.

ELLEN:

Well, maybe I can help you.

NICK:

Can you, Ellen?

ELLEN:

I'll give you a blanket. ...

NICK:

Oh, thank you, thank you. (SUDDEN UNCONVINCING COUGHING FIT)

ELLEN:

Oh dear. What's that?

NICK:

Oh, chest. Doesn't mean anything.

ELLEN:

Oh, well then, good night.

NICK:

Hmm. Nice room you have here.

ELLEN:

Yes, I like it.

NICK:

Nice bed.

ELLEN:

Fine bed.

NICK:

Room for two.

ELLEN:

Oh, plenty of room. Good night, Nick.

NICK:

What about me?

ELLEN:

What about you?

NICK:

Well, what about me staying?

ELLEN:

Where?

NICK:

Here.

ELLEN:

Oh, no. Couldn't do that.

NICK:

Wouldn't be any trouble.

ELLEN:

Well, the principle of the thing.

NICK:

Oh, I could even sleep on the floor.

ELLEN:

Could you?

NICK:

No bother to you. None at all.

ELLEN:

Oh, well. Well, come in.

SOUND:

NICK'S FOOTSTEPS IN

NICK:

Thank you.

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR CLOSES

NICK:

Well, now. The, uh, the floor?

ELLEN:

(AGREES) The floor.

MUSIC:

BRIEF WRY BRIDGE, THEN OUT

NICK:

Um, Ellen?

ELLEN:

Hmm?

NICK:

Are you comfortable?

ELLEN:

Very.

NICK:

I'm cold. ... Are you cold?

ELLEN:

No, I'm not cold. Go to sleep, Nick.

NICK:

I can't. Sleeping on this floor is like sleeping on a board.

ELLEN:

Well, we'll talk about it at Christmastime.

NICK:

Oh. It's a long time till Christmas. Eighteen days.

ELLEN:

Well, you don't care. You're not even sure you want me.

NICK:

Yes, I am.

ELLEN:

Be quiet or you - you'll wake the children.

NICK:

Christmas?

ELLEN:

Christmas.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE, THEN OUT

CHINCH:

Timmy?

TIMMY:

Yes, Chinch?

CHINCH:

I hear a man's voice in mommy's room.

TIMMY:

Maybe it's Daddy.

SOUND:

FROM OFF, HOTEL ROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES QUIETLY

CHINCH:

Somebody just left.

TIMMY:

Let's see.

SOUND:

CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

TIMMY:

It is Daddy.

CHINCH:

Where's he going?

TIMMY:

Let's follow him and find out.

SOUND:

CHILDREN'S FOOTSTEPS

TIMMY:

He's goin' to the Christmas tree.

CHINCH:

He's taking the Santa Claus.

TIMMY:

No, he isn't, either. He's just takin' the Santa Claus suit.

SOUND:

NICK STRUGGLES WITH THE SANTA CLAUS SUIT

CHINCH:

Now what's he doing?

TIMMY:

He's putting it on.

NICK:

(OFF) Ooof!

CHINCH:

Now what's he doing?

TIMMY:

He just stubbed his toe.

CHINCH:

I wonder what he's putting the Santa Claus suit on for.

TIMMY:

Daddy is sure strange sometimes.

CHINCH:

Maybe he's just gonna surprise Mommy.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE, THEN OUT

ELLEN:

Nick? Are you asleep, Nick? (NO ANSWER) Nick? Nick! (GETTING UP) Oh, where's that darn light?

SOUND:

LIGHT SWITCH SNAPS

ELLEN:

Nick?!

SOUND:

SLEIGH BELLS FROM OFF ... HOTEL ROOM DOOR OPENS ... NICK'S FOOTSTEPS AND HIS SLEIGH BELLS IN

ELLEN:

(SURPRISED) Oh!

NICK:

Merry Christmas! Merry, merry Christmas!

ELLEN:

(LAUGHS) Oh, Nick!

SOUND:

SLEIGH BELLS STOP

NICK:

Ah, yeah, now. Christmas comes but once a year. This is it.

ELLEN:

Come out from behind those whiskers. Come here, darling.

NICK:

Are we married?

ELLEN:

Yes, it's Christmas!

SOUND:

NICK TOSSES SLEIGH BELLS ASIDE

NICK:

(RELIEVED) Ah! Merry Christmas, Ellen.

ELLEN:

Merry Christmas to all!

SOUND:

NICK FLOPS INTO BED AT [X]

NICK:

And, to all, a ... (GRUNTS) [X] ... good night!

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Thank you, Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. Our stars of "My Favorite Wife" will return in just a moment with our guest director Leo McCarey.

Say, what happens at Bing Crosby's house when the Bob Hope program comes on? Well, here's Bing to tell us about it.

KEN CARPENTER:

By the way, Bing, did you happen to catch Bob Hope's program?

BING CROSBY:

Huh, Ken, the Bob Hope Show is an absolute must in the Crosby household.

KEN CARPENTER:

Oh?

BING CROSBY:

Every Tuesday night we all gulp our dinner down, then we dash madly for the radio; we all sit in a semicircle and we - we pay strict attention.

KEN CARPENTER:

Mm hm.

BING CROSBY:

The first one to laugh has to wash the dishes. ...

KEN CARPENTER:

I see. You make a regular game out of it, huh?

BING CROSBY:

Yeah.

KEN CARPENTER:

Well, then you heard Bob mention the new Chesterfield poster, the one that shows him holding up the new Chesterfield Christmas Carton?

BING CROSBY:

Oh, indeed I did. I heard him plug my Santa Claus likeness on the carton, too.

KEN CARPENTER:

Ah, you know, Bing, you make a very convincing Papa Santa Claus.

BING CROSBY:

(IRISH ACCENT) Well, I've had a modicum of practice, shall we say? (BACK TO NORMAL) Anyway, it's a wonderful gift for just about everyone you want to get a gift for.

MUSIC:

JINGLE

WOMEN:

(SINGING) Chesterfield! Chesterfield! Always wins first place!
That milder mild tobacco never leaves an aftertaste!

BOB HOPE:

(SINGS) So, open a pack, give 'em a smell--

WOMEN:

(SINGING) Then you'll smoke 'em!

MUSIC:

JINGLE

KEN CARPENTER:

This Christmas, give Chesterfield Christmas Cartons with Bing as Papa Santa Claus!

ANNOUNCER:

Next week, the Screen Directors Playhouse brings you a great actress and a swiftly rising young star paired in one of Hollywood's most fascinating psychological dramas. Our story is "The Lady Gambles," directed by Michael Gordon. And our stars are Barbara Stanwyck and Stephen McNally. Now here again are tonight's stars, Irene Dunne and Cary Grant.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

IRENE DUNNE:

You know, Cary, we've got a friend to introduce.

CARY GRANT:

Yeah, well, there's no use beating around the bush with this fellow.

IRENE DUNNE:

All right, Cary. He's a producer.

CARY GRANT:

And the Academy Award-winning director of such pictures as "The Awful Truth."

IRENE DUNNE:

Yes. Cary and I were in that one together.

CARY GRANT:

Mm hm. And "Love Affair" and "Going My Way."

IRENE DUNNE:

And he was also the producer of the picture we adapted tonight, "My Favorite Wife." Ladies and gentlemen, Leo McCarey.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

LEO McCAREY:

Thank you. But I'd better clear up something right now. Since I was only the producer on "My Favorite Wife," I'm just pinch-hitting tonight for the director, Garson Kanin.

CARY GRANT:

Oh, my. Such disarming modesty.

LEO McCAREY:

No, really, Cary. I think there are times when the producer of a film gets entirely too much credit.

IRENE DUNNE:

When do you feel like that?

LEO McCAREY:

When I'm directing. ...

CARY GRANT:

The poor man's personality is split right down the middle.

LEO McCAREY:

Very handy in our business, Cary. It allows a guy to appraise his own handiwork.

IRENE DUNNE:

All right. Appraise "My Favorite Wife."

LEO McCAREY:

Well, Garson Kanin's direction was the epitome of comedy. The acting-- Well, the acting spoke for itself tonight. Irene, you were superb.

IRENE DUNNE:

(MODEST CHUCKLE)

LEO McCAREY:

Cary, you were positively brilliant. The two of you were just scintillating.

CARY GRANT:

Oh, come on Leo, I wouldn't go that far. I only said things that were written for me.

LEO McCAREY:

Well, that's all I'm doing. ... I'm just reading what's written here myself.

IRENE DUNNE:

Oh, wait a minute. Now, we all have one more line, Leo.

LEO McCAREY:

We have?

IRENE DUNNE:

Uh huh. Good night.

CARY GRANT:

Good night.

LEO McCAREY:

Good night. (CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And so ends tonight's Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night's feature on NBC's All-Star Festival, brought to you by the makers of Anacin, for the fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia; Chesterfield, the only cigarette that combines mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste; your local Ford dealer, who is now displaying the new 1951 Ford, the Car That's Built for the Years Ahead; and RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.

NETWORK ANNOUNCER:

Meet all the gang at Duffy's Tavern tomorrow night on NBC.

SOUND:

NBC CHIMES