Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Easy Aces
Show: Betty's Marital Problem
Date: circa 1940s

MUSIC:

Theme up, then under for-

Announcer:

Once again Anacin presents, Easy Aces, radio's distinctive laugh novelty.

MUSIC:

Theme back up and play to end.

Announcer:

Many of you, I'm sure, have had Anacin recommended to you for the quick relief of pain from a headache, neuralgia or neuritis. Perhaps a friend has suggested you try it. You may wonder why Anacin is so recommended in preference to other ways. The reason is that Anacin acts to relieve your pain effectively and remarkably fast. It's like a doctor's prescription. That is it's a combination of medically proven, active ingredients. And everyone knows that when your doctor makes out a prescription it usually contains not just one ingredient alone, but several. Thousands of people have been given an envelope containing Anacin tablets at some time or other by their dentist or physician. They know how fast it brings relief for them. If you have not yet tried Anacin go to your drug store now and pick up a box. Try Anacin the next time you're in pain from neuritis, neuralgia or a headache. Try it on the proposition that if the first few tablets do not give complete satisfaction you may return the unused portions and your money will be instantly refunded. Ask for Anacin. Spelled A-N-A-C-I-N. In tins of 12 and 30 and bottles of 50 and 100 tablets.

Well, Jane sold all the furniture in the Ace's bungalow for $400.00. Then she visited an auction sale and found her old furniture being auctioned off very cheaply. It hurt her pride. She stepped in and bid up to $250.00. Got all the furniture back and made a profit of $150.00. The scene now is the bungalow after dinner. The house is back as it was before with Jane, Mr. Ace and their friend Marge enjoying it's comfort. Listen...

Ace:

Ah, this is more like it.

Marge:

Comfortable?

Ace:

Aren't you, Marge?

Marge:

I should say. But it all happened so fast I haven't quite got my bearings. First I said good-bye to all this. Then all of a sudden it whisked right back and I find myself sitting right here in my nook here on the divan.

Ace:

Yeas, seems like it was a nightmare, doesn't it?

Marge:

Mmm-hmm.

Ace:

Well, we're back together again, this chair and I. Ah, this is what I call comfort. How about it Jane?

Jane:

(Not paying attention) Hmm? What?

Ace:

I say isn't this like old times having all our own furniture ba - what are you doing? Writing to somebody?

Jane:

Oh, no. I'm trying to figure out how often I could do this. Now let me see...

Ace:

How often?

Jane:

I mean, if I can make $150.00 once and get the drapes cleaned besides, how many times would it take to make $1500.00, or the pripce of one mink coat?

Ace:

Oh, my.

Marge:

You're not going to make a business out of this, are you?

Jane:

Well, I mean I did it once. Why not? All I have to do is...

Ace:

All you have to do is forget about it.

Jane:

All I have to do is sell this furniture for $400.00, go to an auction sale and buy it back for $250.00 and I make $150.00 each time, don't I? Now, ten times a hundred-and-fifty I figured out would be approximately $1500.00 profit.

Ace:

Approximately, yes.

Jane:

What do you mean, approximately? It is $1500.00 profit.

Ace:

Not counting bail and fines and legal advice.

Marge:

(Laughing) Oh, Jane, you're not thinking of making a habit of this?

Jane:

It's so easy, Marge. Look, al I have to do is sell the furniture for $400.00. Then I buy it back for $250.00. What do I make?

Ace:

Me sick.

Jane:

No, I mean in cash?

Ace:

Oh, in cash.

Jane:

I make $150.00 each time. It comes out the same way every time I figure it. I can't understand it. I know somebody isn't doing good somewhere, but it isn't I. I can't figure out who it is. But that's their worry. I guess every time somebody makes money somebody else loses money, don't they dear?

Ace:

Ahh...

Jane:

See, all I have to do is advertise furniture for sale in the newspaper. A man comes and buys it for $400.00 and I go and buy it back for $250.00 and I make $150.00.

Ace:

Foolproof.

Marge:

So, you've opened a new field of business, huh Jane?

Jane:

Yes. Except on thing. There's a fly in the oatmel.

Ace:

What is it?

Jane:

The advertisement in the paper cost a dollar-twelve cents every time I advertise.

Ace:

Oh, yes.

Marge:

Overhead.

Jane:

A little over my head, but not much. Isn't it funny I never thought of this before? Here I've been looking at this same furniture every day for six years and I never thought I could money out of it and still have it. Sell it. Buy it. Sell it. Buy it.

Ace:

Mmm-hmm.

Jane:

I could go on forever.

Marge:

Or until that chair falls apart.

Jane:

It's wonderful!

Ace:

You know, Jane, I think you've got nothing there.

Jane:

Pretty good, eh dear?

Ace:

Yes. Yes.

Marge:

(Laughing)

Jane:

You can laugh, Marge. They laughed at Edison when he sat down at the piano.

Ace:

That was a Victrola, wasn't it?

SFX:

Phone starts to ring

Jane:

This is a new business I just happened to think of. Just like Edison when he sat down...

Ace:

Speaking of Edison, Jane, the phone is ringing.

Jane:

What?

Ace:

The telephone. Do you mind, Jane? You're right there. You can just...

Jane:

Oh, the phone's ringing. Excuse me.

Ace:

Yes.

SFX:

Phone pick up

Jane:

Hello?

Betty:

(Filtered) Hello. Is that you Aunt Jane?

Jane:

Yes. Who is this?

Betty:

This is Betty.

Jane:

Oh, hello, Betty!

Betty:

I'm coming right over with my baby. This is the end. You've got to take me in. I can't stand it anymore. I've tried and tried. It's no use. I've been a loyal and faithful wife. Heaven knows I've made every sacrifice. But tonight came the finish. It had to come sometime. And now I'm through, do you understand? I don't mind for myself, but when it comes to the baby I'll fight the world, especially this man who calls himself my husband. I'll kill myself and my baby rather than put up with him another day. Will you help me, Aunt Jane?

Jane:

How are you, Betty? What's new?

Betty:

We'll be over in five minutes. I'm all packed. Good-bye.

Jane:

Good-bye.

SFX:

Phone hang up

Jane:

Well, whadda ya know?

Ace:

Oh, not much. What do you know, Jane?

Jane:

Plenty. Something's wrong.

Marge:

With Betty?

Ace:

There's something always wrong with Betty, isn't there?

Jane:

Dear, I want you to stop talking like that this minute.

Ace:

Yes, ma'am.

Jane:

This is no laughing matter. She and Carl had a fight.

Marge:

Again?

Jane:

This is the first fight they've had since the baby came six months ago.

Ace:

How do you know? You never keep in touch with them.

Jane:

Oh, I know. I should see my own niece more often than I do. You don't have to rib it in.

Marge:

Well, what happened with her and Carl?

Jane:

I don't know. She didn't tell me. I didn't get a chance to talk to her.

Ace:

But she got a chance to talk to you. What was that long pause you were listening to, there?

Jane:

Oh, that. She didn't say much there. She was so excited and crying.

Ace:

Oh.

Marge:

What did she say?

Jane:

Nothing. She said I'm coming right over with the baby. This is the end. You've got to take me in. I can't stand it anymore. I've tried and tried, she said. No, she said I tried and tried and tried.

Ace:

Oh.

Jane:

I've been a loyal and faithful wife and I'm going to kill myself and the baby.

Marge:

Kill herself!

Ace:

What are you talking about?

Jane:

That's what she said. And on her way to do it she's stopping over here. We'll have to tell her not to.

Marge:

Well, I should hope so!

Ace:

Why?

Jane:

Listen, dear, this is my sister's only child. My sister sent her here to get married. We got her married. And to a very nice fellow. Do you think I'm gonna go and let her kill herself even if she doesn't mean it? I should say not.

Ace:

What does she mean, coming here and our taking her in?

Jane:

She and Carl had a fight. Don't you get it?

Ace:

I get the fight, Jane. But we can't keep her here.

Jane:

Why not? If I may be so cold, whose house is this?

Ace:

Yours, I suppose.

Jane:

No. It's ours.

Ace:

Thanks.

Jane:

Half mine and half yours.

Ace:

Yes.

Jane:

With a hundred and fifty dollars left over.

Ace:

Oh, yes.

Jane:

I guess I've got something to say about my own niece coming to live here.

Ace:

But she's married. She's got a husband.

Jane:

But they had a fight.

Ace:

So what?

Jane:

So, they'll get over it.

Ace:

Why should she...

Marge:

Sure. Just something that needs patching up. She's crazy about Carl.

Jane:

Yes. And so is he.

Marge:

What was the argument about, did she say?

Jane:

No. I didn't get a chance to ask her. It's just one of those silly things. You know how married people argue once in a while.

Ace:

No. I don't know. Tell me, Jane.

Jane:

Well, one of them says something, then the other says - oh, sarcastic, huh?

Ace:

Why, no Jane, I'm not sarcastic.

Jane:

I know you too well. I haven't been married to you for all these years for nothing. Your just lucky we don't have any arguments because one of us knows how to twist the other one around her little finger and I don't have to say which one I mean.

Ace:

Which little finger you mean?

Jane:

Yes. No, which one of us, I mean.

Marge:

Are you two gonna get into a tantrum just as Betty gets here?

Jane:

Well, him and he sarcasm.

Ace:

Her and her little finger.

Jane:

I didn't say whose little finger. I guess you've got a guilty conscience.

Ace:

I have.

Jane:

If it fits you, wear it.

Ace:

How does it look on me?

Marge:

(Laughs)

Jane:

What's the use? It's like talking to a deaf wall. Now, what were you saying, Marge?

Marge:

Something about Betty, I believe.

Jane:

Oh, yes. Well, they had a little fight. It isn't much. You know how married couples argue once in a while. What was that?

Ace:

(Defensively) I didn't say anything!

Jane:

I don't like that tone in your eyes.

Ace:

I thought it looked well on me. It just matches my conscience.

Marge:

(Laughs)

Jane:

Oh, Marge. Stop laughing at him. He'll start thinking he's funny. Now where was I?

Marge:

Married couples argue once in a while.

Jane:

Let's skip that. I guess you know how Betty flies off the coop.

Marge:

Yes, Betty does have a temper, doesn't she?

Jane:

Now, Marge, we're not gonna take sides. Except Betty's.

Ace:

Oh, no.

Marge:

Except Betty's, eh?

SFX:

Door bell

Jane:

Well, she's my niece. My sister's only child. Oh-there she is now.

Just a minute, I'll go, dear. I didn't make a move.

Jane:

Yeah, just leave it to you and we'll have nothing done around here. Now I don't wanna hear one word out of you, you understand?

Ace:

Not even "scram?"

Marge:

Oh, leave her alone.

Ace:

I should have known I was too comfortable here.

Jane:

Betty. Come in.

Betty:

(Quietly) Hello, Aunt Jane. Here, take this bag. The baby's still asleep. I'll hold her.

Jane:

(Very loudly) No noise, everybody! The baby's asleep.

Betty:

(Quietly) Aunt Jane, you'll waken her.

Jane:

Excuse me. No noise, everybody, the baby's asleep.

Marge:

Well, hello Betty.

Betty:

Hello. I've come to stay here. I'm through with Carl. I'm through with everything. Men are beasts. They don't deserve wives, much less children. They're beasts, I tell you.

Ace:

Woof! Woof!

Betty:

Trying to be funny, Uncle Ace?

Ace:

No. Just trying to accommodate.

Jane:

Oh, look at the baby. If she isn't the cutest. Look, Marge, her fingers curled up in her fist. Hello, Susan! Say hello to Susan, Marge.

Betty:

Stop calling her Susan. Her name is Sheila.

Jane:

Sheila? Why I thought it was Susan.

Betty:

That's Carl's doing. For months I've told him her name is Sheila. For month's he's called her Susan. When she was tiny I didn't mind so much. But when she started to grow he kept on calling her Susan. The child was beginning to respond. I couldn't stand it anymore. I begged him, I pleaded with him, I humbled myself to him. To that man. Asking him to call her Sheila. He kept on calling her Susan. The child was becoming confused. But tonight I made up my mind.

Ace:

Your what?

Betty:

You heard what I said.

Jane:

Her mind, she said, dear.

Ace:

Oh.

Jane:

Go ahead then, Betty. Isn't it exciting? Then what?

Betty:

I decided to leave him. I don't want to see or speak to him again.

Marge:

Oh, but Betty, you can't take a child away from its father.

Betty:

It's my child.

Marge:

Yes. But it's his, too.

Betty:

No. He has a child born of his imagination. A child named Susan. This is my child, Sheila.

Ace:

Well, that's very pretty: born of his imagination.

Ace:

I knew you'd be against me.

Jane:

Now, now. Let's not take sides. (Aside) I don't blame you, Betty. (To all) After all, it's a wise child that knows her own name. You can't around calling a child Susan one minute and Sheila the next week. Oh, isn't she cute. Hello, Susan.

Betty:

Aunt Jane, stop that this minute. Her name's Sheila.

Jane:

Excuse me, I keep forgetting which is which. Hello, ah, um, what's the name again?

Betty:

Sheila. Sheila!

Jane:

Oh, she's opened her eyes. She sees me. Look at her dear, she sees me. She understands me.

Ace:

She's a genius.

Marge:

Oh she's a gorgeous child. What coloring and those blue eyes and pink cheeks.

Betty:

I must put her to bed. Where will she sleep?

Ace:

In her own bed, I suggest.

Betty:

I'll never go back there.

Ace:

Why come here?

Betty:

Where can I turn? Where can I go?

Jane:

Yeah, where can she turn? Where can she go?

Ace:

How about back to her husband and stop this silly argument. Breaking up a home over the name of a child.

Betty:

I have no home. My home was broken up the minute he called her Susan.

Ace:

Ohh.

Betty:

He knew I'd chosen the name of Sheila long before she was born. He and his stubbornness.

Marge:

Well, maybe that stubbornness is 50/50, Betty.

Betty:

And Marge, I expected you to be on his side, too.

Ace:

Stand over here with me, Marge.

Marge:

(Laughs)

Betty:

Oh, Aunt Jane, you're the only one I can turn to.

Jane:

Alright, I'll stand over with you. Now let me see how we stand. Three to two, counting Susan.

Betty:

No, not Susan. Will you stop calling her Susan.

Jane:

Oh, I forgot again. Hello, Sheila. How are you, Sheila. This is Aunt Jane, Sheila Sue. You like Aunt Jane, Sheila Sue?

Marge:

(Laughs)

Jane:

I like you, Sheila Sue.

Ace:

(Fading out) Oh, stop that racket, will you?

(Brief Pause)

 

Announcer:

Well, Jane forgets furniture for a while to take up the problem of mending Betty's marital affairs.

Easy Aces are brought to you by the makers of Anacin, the remarkable tablets that give effective and fast relief from pains due to headache, neuralgia or neuritis. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, it's a combination of medically proven and highly regarded ingredients, not just one. And you know a doctors prescription usually contains more than one ingredient. That's why your dentist or physician, at some time or another, may have given you an envelope containing Anacin tablets. So the next time your in pain from a headache, neuralgia or neuritis remember Anacin. A-N-A-C-I-N. In tins of 12 and 30 and bottles of 50 and 100 tablets at any drug store.

MUSIC:

Theme up then under for-

Announcer:

Easy Aces will be back next Tuesday night at this same time. When you go to your druggist note how many different items he carries other than drugs. Look them over and buy whatever you can from him. You'll help him and yourself. This is Ward Bond speaking for the makers of Anacin.

MUSIC:

Theme back up and play to end.