Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Favorite Husband
Show: Drafted
Date: Jan 27 1951

CAST:
ANNOUNCER, Bob LeMond
SINGERS, of Jell-O jingle
LIZ COOPER / LUCILLE BALL
KATY, the maid
GEORGE COOPER, Liz's favorite husband
BOSS, George's boss, Mr. Atterbury
IRIS, Liz's friend, Mrs. Atterbury

ANNCR:

It's time for "My Favorite Husband" starring Lucille Ball!

LIZ:

Jell-O, everybody!

MUSIC:

THEME

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

Yes, it's the gay family series starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning. Transcribed and brought to you by the Jell-O family of red-letter desserts.

MUSIC:

COMMERCIAL JINGLE

SINGERS:

O! The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family!
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family!
That's Jell-O!
Yum, yum, yum!
Jell-O puddings!
Yum, yum, yum!
Jell-O tapioca puddings, yes sir-ree!

ANNCR:

And now Lucille Ball with Richard Denning as Liz and George Cooper, two people who live together -- and like it.

MUSIC:

BRISK AND CHEERFUL INTRODUCTION

ANNCR:

As we look in on the Coopers, it's morning and we find Liz Cooper in the living room. Katy the maid has just brought in the mail.

KATY:

Here you are, Mrs. Cooper. Here's the mornin' mail.

LIZ:

Oh, thanks Katy. Ooooh, good, there's a big stack of it. Let's see now. (INCREASINGLY DISHEARTENED) One for George, and one for George, and one for George. (SIGHS) And one for George.

KATY:

Oh, don't feel bad, Mrs. Cooper; I'll write you a letter.

LIZ:

Wouldn't do any good, the postmaster doesn't like me. If I don't get some mail pretty soon, I'm gonna take from another company.

KATY:

(CHUCKLES) Ohh, Mrs. Cooper!

LIZ:

Anyway, George got enough for both of us. Look at this letter, Katy; it's from his college. Oh, I hope it isn't another meeting of the Pep and Rally committee. He's still on that you know.

KATY:

Isn't Mr. Cooper rather old for that sort of stuff?

LIZ:

Old? Why, Katy, George is young, vibrant! That's what I love about him. He stays so healthy and strong and young.

KATY:

(UNCONVINCED) Eh, yes, Mrs. Cooper. ...

LIZ:

(GASPS) Oh, my goodness!

KATY: What's the matter?

LIZ:

This letter for George. Look; it's from the War Department. Why would they be writing to George?

KATY:

Do you suppose he's been drafted?

LIZ:

Drafted?! What do they want with an old man like him?! ...

KATY:

I don't know.

LIZ:

Hmmm. The flap's certainly stuck tight. Wait a minute. I think if I scrunch up the envelope I can peek in through the little window in the front.

KATY:

Is that ethical?

LIZ:

Certainly. They put the window there, didn't they? ... If they didn't want people to peek in, they would have put a shade on it. ...

KATY:

That makes sense.

LIZ:

Now, let's see. Well! The government is certainly late with their Christmas cards.

KATY:

Christmas cards?

LIZ:

Well, it must be. I can only see the first word, but it says, "Greetings." ...

KATY:

You better scrunch a few more words out, Mrs. Cooper.

LIZ:

Okay. (READS) You are requested to report to local draft board number -- (INHALES SHARPLY) -- eight! Wednesday morning at eight o'clock! Katy! George is being drafted!

KATY:

Oh, dear. This is terrible.

LIZ:

Well! That's the thanks you get for doing a good job.

KATY:

Good job?

LIZ:

Yes. George won the last war for them, now they want him to do it all over again! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... "OVER THERE"

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Mr. Atterbury, could I see you a moment?

BOSS:

(GREETING) George-boy! Certainly. Come in.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

BOSS:

Now, what is it?

GEORGE:

I wonder if I could have a day off next week?

BOSS:

What?

GEORGE:

Well, it's pretty important or I wouldn't ask. I have to go down to the draft board.

BOSS:

George-boy! Congratulations! I'm proud of you. One of our boys going into the service. And I was just going to give you a raise, too. ... Well, don't you worry. We'll hold your job for you. Here. Have a cigar.

GEORGE:

Thanks, Mr. Atterbuy. Er, but you don't understand. I'm just filling in on the draft board for a friend of mine, Dave Janus.

BOSS:

Oh. You're not being drafted?

GEORGE:

No. I'm just serving on the board.

BOSS:

Uh, give me back the cigar. ...

GEORGE:

Well, it's sure nice to know you're going to give me a raise!

BOSS:

(BEAT) Raise? ...

GEORGE:

I was afraid of that.

BOSS:

But understand, boy. You can still have your job back.

GEORGE:

Aw, thanks. I'll only be gone a day. ...

BOSS:

Well, it's all right. You can work on the next holiday and make it up. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, I don't know yet what day I'm supposed to serve. I should have a letter at home telling me when.

BOSS:

Well, boy, actually you're doing a great service. It's important to serve on the draft board. I did it during the last war, you know. And, incidentally, let me give you a word of advice.

GEORGE:

Yes, sir?

BOSS:

Don't tell Liz what you're doing.

GEORGE:

Why not?

BOSS:

Well, I made the mistake of telling Iris when I was on the board. All the women in her bridge club were on my neck.

GEORGE:

Women?

BOSS:

Yes. They gave me the choice of stationing their sons near home or making them four-star generals. ...

GEORGE:

Say, I never thought of that. Well, I won't mention a word to Liz.

BOSS:

Good, good. Oh, and boy -- I'm sorry I was a little brusque a moment ago. About what I promised you, you can have it.

GEORGE: The raise?!

BOSS:

No. The cigar. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

DOOR BELL RINGS ... FRONT DOOR OPENS

IRIS:

(GREETING) Ooh, Liz-girl.

LIZ:

(GLUM) Hi, Iris. Come in.

IRIS:

Well, what's the big news you were going to tell me?

LIZ:

Iris-- George has been-- (INHALES SHARPLY, THEN WEEPS) Waaaaaaaaaaaah! ...

IRIS:

Huh? ...

LIZ:

George has been-- (INHALES SHARPLY, THEN WEEPS)

IRIS:

(CONFUSED) Uh, try it once more. ...

LIZ:

George has been-- (INHALES SHARPLY, THEN WEEPS)

IRIS:

Well, that's what he's been all right. ...

LIZ:

(TEARFUL) George has been drafted!

IRIS:

Drafted?! George who? ...

LIZ:

My George! (SOBS)

IRIS:

Oh, now, Liz, calm down. When did you find it out?

LIZ:

The letter just came this morning.

IRIS:

Well, what does George think about it?

LIZ:

He doesn't know it yet. I scrunched up the envelope and looked in through the little window in the front.

IRIS:

Oh. Well, Liz, I don't understand. Why should they take George?

LIZ:

(BETWEEN SOBS) I don't know. But they'll probably take him right away and I won't see him for years and years, and I'll be home waiting, and waiting all alone!

IRIS:

(WAILS!) ...

LIZ:

Oh, well, now don't you cry, Iris. You've got to help me be brave.

IRIS:

(TEARFUL) I was just thinking about Rudolph. ...

LIZ:

But they won't take him.

IRIS:

(TEARFUL) I know! That's why I'm crying! ... Oh, I don't mean that. I'm so upset I don't know what I'm saying.

LIZ:

Iris -- Iris, we mustn't cry like this. Here. Here's a clean hankie.

IRIS:

Thanks. You're right, girl. (STILL CRYING) Crying doesn't help.

SFX:

IRIS BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY ...

LIZ:

We've got to be brave. It's up to women to be strong in a moment of crisis.

IRIS:

Atta girl, girl. No more tears.

LIZ:

No more tears.

IRIS:

(SNIFF!) We won't even think about it.

LIZ:

No. (BEAT, CALMLY) Well, what's new, Iris?

IRIS:

Nothing. What's new with you?

LIZ:

Nothing.

LIZ/IRIS:

(BEAT, THEN BOTH BUST OUT WEEPING AND WAILING!) ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... WITH A HINT OF A MILITARY MARCH

LIZ:

Katy, here comes our little soldier up the walk. Are you ready to show him how much we appreciate him?

KATY:

All ready.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Hi, everybody!

LIZ:

Hi, George -- you big, adorable husband, you!

KATY:

Hi, Mr. Cooper -- you big, wonderful boss, you!

LIZ:

Give me a kiss!

KATY:

Me, too!

LIZ:

What?! ...

KATY:

I - I - I mean, give me your hat!

GEORGE:

Well. What brought this on?

LIZ:

Nothing. We're just glad to see you, that's all. Come on in the living room.

GEORGE:

Ahh, well, wait, I have to--

KATY:

Your easy chair is just waitin' for ya.

GEORGE:

Well, but I haven't--

LIZ:

Now, sit down and get cozy, George. Here's your pipe.

KATY:

And here's your slippers.

GEORGE:

Well, thanks, but, you see, I--

KATY:

And here's the evening paper.

LIZ:

And here's your smoking jacket. Now, first, the left arm--

GEORGE:

Oh, but, Liz--

KATY:

Now, the right arm.

GEORGE:

But, Katy--

LIZ:

There! Now, do you need anything else to make you comfortable, darling?

GEORGE: Yes! I'd like to get up and take off my overcoat! ...

LIZ:

Oh, sorry.

GEORGE:

What's going on around here anyway?

LIZ:

Why, nothing, George. Katy and I just want to make you happy, that's all.

GEORGE:

Well, okay, but something tells me this is going to cost me money. Uh, was there any mail?

LIZ:

(INHALES SHARPLY, SUPPRESSES TEARS) Yes, dear. It's right there on the table.

KATY:

(MOVING OFF) I'll go put dinner on.

SFX:

GEORGE SIFTS THROUGH MAIL BEHIND--

GEORGE:

Bill. Bill. Bill. Hmmmmm!

SFX:

ENVELOPE OPENED

GEORGE:

(MUMBLES TO HIMSELF AS HE READS, THEN--) Aha!

LIZ:

(BEAT, EXPECTANTLY) Well, George?

GEORGE:

Well, what?

LIZ:

Finish reading your mail?

GEORGE:

Yes.

LIZ:

(BEAT) Well?

GEORGE:

Well, what?

LIZ:

Was it interesting?

GEORGE:

Fairly.

LIZ:

(BEAT) Well?

GEORGE:

Well, what?

LIZ:

(BEAT) Uh--

GEORGE:

Honey, is there something on your mind?

LIZ:

No! (MOVING OFF) No, I'll - I'll go help Katy with dinner.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS TO KITCHEN DOOR WHICH CLOSES

KATY:

How's he takin' it, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Katy, you know what he's doing? He's keeping it from me. He's sparing me until the last possible moment.

KATY:

Wouldn't ya know Mr. Cooper would act like that!

LIZ:

Bless his brave little heart. ... If he can keep a stiff upper lip, so can I.

SFX:

KITCHEN DOOR

LIZ:

Come on, George. Dinner's ready.

GEORGE:

Good. I'm starved. Mmm. Smells wonderful. What are we having?

LIZ:

Turkey and dressing and candied sweet potatoes.

GEORGE:

Gosh! That's my favorite meal!

LIZ:

Yes, dear.

GEORGE:

You know, Liz, the way you run this house, it's a pleasure to come home every night.

LIZ:

(SUPPRESSES TEARS) Every night?

GEORGE:

Yes, sir. What's for dessert?

LIZ:

(WAILS) Jell-Oooooooooooooooo! (RUNS OFF, CRYING)

GEORGE:

Hey, Liz! Come back here! What's the matter?

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

Poor Liz is really suffering. But I'm sure that Jell-O dessert will help to brighten her up. And the new quick-setting way to make Jell-O will certainly brighten Katy up, too, 'cause in just about one fast hour, you can have a beautiful finished Jell-O dessert. Now, here's what you do.

Dissolve your Jell-O in one cup of hot water. Add one cup of ice cubes or crushed ice, filling the cup to the brim with water. Stir until the ice melts completely. Then pop into the refrigerator to chill firm. And in just about an hour, you take out a gay and shimmering Jell-O mold!

Yes, quick and easy as one-two-three, you have the family's favorite treat all ready for them to enjoy. And show me the family who doesn't enjoy those six delicious Jell-O flavors -- strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime. All six brimming with fruit-rich goodness. All six sparkling with spring-fresh color. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. And it's Jell-O for red letter desserts.

SINGERS:

J - E - L - L - Oooooooooooooo!

MUSIC:

ACCENT AND OUT

ANNCR:

And now back to Lucille Ball in "My Favorite Husband."

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNCR:

As we look in on the Coopers once again, Liz mistakenly thinks George has been drafted and is trying to be brave about the whole thing. Well, all she's succeeded in doing so far is completely confusing George, as Mr. Atterbury is finding out.

BOSS:

George-boy? May I talk to you a minute?

GEORGE:

(VAGUE) Oh, certainly. Come on in, Mr. Hathaway.

BOSS:

(GENTLE) George.

GEORGE:

(CORRECTION) Oh, Mr. Atterbury.

BOSS: That's right. Atterbury. You may recall me. I've been your boss for ten years.

GEORGE:

Oh, I'm - I'm sorry, sir. I've been a little vague all day.

BOSS:

A little vague? Boy, that's what I want to talk to you about. Here. Can you identify this?

GEORGE:

My lunch! I wondered where that had gone.

BOSS:

Oh, it's all right, George. We found it. In the filing cabinet. ...

GEORGE:

Aw, gee, that was stupid of me.

BOSS:

Well, I'll say this, boy, you aren't completely gone. It was filed under "L". ... There is something that puzzles me however.

GEORGE: Yeah? What's that?

BOSS:

How did the Lloyd account taste? ...

GEORGE:

I didn't--?!

BOSS:

No. No. We found it. In your lunch box. ...

GEORGE:

How do you like that?

BOSS:

Not very well, and I'd like an explanation. Now, what's this sudden lapse, boy?

GEORGE:

Well, to tell you the truth, sir, I'm worried about Liz.

BOSS:

What's Miss Tanglefoot done now?

GEORGE:

That's just it. I don't know. Last night when I went home, Liz wasn't herself.

BOSS:

And you're complaining? ...

GEORGE:

Aw, you don't understand. First she was happy, and then just a few minutes later, for no reason at all, she started to cry.

BOSS:

Crying for no reason at all, eh?

GEORGE:

Yeah. And then, later on in the evening, she was singing and making jokes, and, well, then the next minute she burst into tears. I don't get it.

BOSS:

(KNOWINGLY) Don't you? ... I do! (BEAT, AFFECTIONATELY) Pop. ...

GEORGE:

What?

BOSS:

Get it, boy? You're going to be a father.

GEORGE:

(STUNNED) Me? Father?

BOSS:

Well, of course. That's it. Liz is going to have a baby. Women always act like that.

GEORGE:

Me? Father? ...

BOSS:

Yes. Congratulations, boy.

GEORGE:

Me? Father? ...

BOSS:

Yes! You Father; Liz Mother; Me Tarzan! ...

GEORGE:

I can't get over it. I'm going to be a father! Ohhh, that means Liz is going to be a mother!

BOSS:

It does, unless things have changed lately. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, gee, it's hard to believe. Do you really think that's why Liz has been acting so funny?

BOSS:

Take my word for it, boy. That's undoubtedly the reason.

GEORGE:

I wonder what it'll be?

BOSS:

Well, it's just a wild guess, but it will probably be a baby. ...

GEORGE:

Gee, I wonder why Liz hasn't told me.

BOSS:

Well, women are funny about those things, George. Now, whatever you do, don't let on you suspect. Let her break the news when she wants to. She'll probably play coy and let you catch her knitting little things.

GEORGE:

(EXHALES) Gee, I - I'd better sit down; I feel kind of weak.

BOSS:

Well, no wonder; you haven't had any lunch. ...

GEORGE:

Yeah, that's right. I'd better eat and keep up my strength. After all, I'm eating for two now. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... HINTS OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" AND "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper, Mrs. Atterbury's here.

LIZ:

Oh. Hi, Iris, come on in.

IRIS:

Well, girl, has George told you he's going into the Army yet?

LIZ:

Not a word. Sometimes I think he doesn't plan to tell me at all.

IRIS:

Uh, doesn't he think you'll get suspicious after he's gone two or three months? ...

LIZ:

Well, it's just that he hates to hurt me. Wonderful George.

IRIS:

Yeah. What are you doing? Knitting?

LIZ:

Yes. I thought he should have some nice warm socks to wear in the army. ... Do you think these will fit George?

IRIS:

Hold them up. (BEAT) Hmmm. Aren't his feet the same size? ...

LIZ:

Darn it. I thought the left sock was going faster. Well, I'll have to rip the foot out.

IRIS:

Well, I better run along and let you finish them.

LIZ:

Yeah, I have to get them finished before George gets home. He gets drafted tomorrow morning and I can't let him see me knitting these. See, he doesn't suspect that I know.

IRIS:

Yeah. Well, I'll let myself out. See you tonight for Canasta.

LIZ:

Yeah, I hope George has told me by then. Then we can all talk about it.

IRIS:

Ohhh, and I've been dying to tell Rudolph.

LIZ:

Don't you dare!

IRIS:

Well, it's, oh-- So long girl. Happy knitting!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LIZ:

Knit one. Pearl one. Knit one. Pearl two. Oops! (BEAT, SOURLY) Drop one. ...

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LIZ:

(CALLS) Iris? Did you forget something?

GEORGE:

(CALLS, OFF) No, honey, it's me! Iris just left!

LIZ:

(GASPS, PANICS) George! Don't come in! I mean-- Hello. I mean, wait!

GEORGE:

(CLOSER) Say, what's the matter with you, Liz?

LIZ:

Nothing.

GEORGE:

(KNOWINGLY) Nothing, eh? Ha haa! ... Come on now, what are you holding behind your back?

LIZ:

Behind my back? Nothing.

GEORGE:

(MERRILY) Ha ha! Looks like knitting needles to me. (CHUCKLES)

LIZ:

It does?

GEORGE:

Yeah. Let me see.

LIZ:

No. No. No. No, I am knitting something George, but it's kind of a surprise.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) All right, honey. Don't you show it to me until you get good and ready.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

GEORGE:

Uh, I'll get it.

LIZ:

No, I'll get it.

GEORGE:

Oh, but you have to save your strength.

LIZ:

No, you have to save your strength. ...

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

LIZ:

Well, somebody should get it.

GEORGE:

I will. Uh, you just sit right there -- (AFFECTIONATELY) -- Mother.

LIZ:

(BEAT) Well, you don't have to get nasty about it. ...

GEORGE:

(MOVING OFF) I'll be right back.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES ... RECEIVER UP

GEORGE:

Hello?

BOSS:

(FILTER) Well, boy?

GEORGE:

You were right.

BOSS: (FILTER) Did she tell you, boy?

GEORGE:

Well, not yet, but when I came home she was knitting.

BOSS:

(FILTER, PLEASED) Oh, tiny garments! (CHUCKLES) ...

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) Yes. She wouldn't let me see them, but I know that's what they were.

BOSS:

(FILTER) Do you suppose she'll tell us tonight when we come over to play Canasta?

GEORGE:

Oh, probably. But you know how women are, they like to break the news themselves -- so don't tell Iris.

BOSS:

(FILTER) Don't worry. For once in my life, I know a juicy morsel before she does. ... I'm not likely to tell "Big Ears." ...

GEORGE:

Good. I'll see ya tonight.

BOSS:

(FILTER) Fine. Good-bye, Dad.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS

GEORGE:

I'll get it, honey.

LIZ:

No, I'll get it. It's probably the Atterburys.

GEORGE:

I'll get it. Now, you stay right there in that chair.

LIZ:

Well, all right. I can't go anyway. You haven't let me move for two hours. My foot's asleep. ... I'll try to wake it up.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

BOSS:

(GREETING) George-boy! Liz-girl!

IRIS:

(GREETING) Liz-girl! George-boy! ...

GEORGE:

Ah, come on in.

BOSS:

Well, how's everything? (HORRIFIED) LIZ!

LIZ:

(PUZZLED) What?

BOSS:

You shouldn't be jumping up and down like that!

GEORGE:

I should say not. Stop it!

LIZ:

Why?

BOSS:

Well-- (STAMMERS)

GEORGE:

Because--! (SWALLOWS HARD)

LIZ: Well, what would you do if you were in my condition? ...

BOSS:

Don't - don't try to answer that, George. ...

LIZ:

There. That's better. It's awake now. ...

BOSS:

(STUNNED) What is?

LIZ:

My foot. It went to sleep.

BOSS:

(REALIZES) Oh! Foot! Foot! Asleep! Oh, yes, yes. Of course. ...

IRIS:

(WHISPERS) Liz?

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) Hm?

IRIS:

(WHISPERS) Has he said anything yet?

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) Not a word.

GEORGE:

(KNOWINGLY) What are you two whispering about?

LIZ:

Oh, nothing, nothing.

BOSS:

(WHISPERS) George-boy? Has she told you yet?

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) No. No, not yet.

IRIS:

What are you two whispering about?

LIZ:

Yeah!

GEORGE:

Oh, nothing, nothing.

BOSS:

(LONG, AWKWARD PAUSE) Look, group-- ... Fellow whisperers. I have a feeling that there is someone in this room who has something to tell the rest of us. Now, why not come out with it?

GEORGE:

Good idea.

IRIS:

Fine.

LIZ:

Yeah, come on. (AWKWARD PAUSE) ...

BOSS:

Oh, come now. We're all friends. Out with it. There's no need to hide things any longer.

GEORGE:

Of course not.

IRIS:

No.

LIZ:

Let's have it. (AWKWARD PAUSE) ...

BOSS:

Look. Look. I'll start the ball rolling. Liz? Do you know when it's going to be?

LIZ:

Well, I don't know why you ask me, but-- Yes, I know.

GEORGE:

When's it going to be?

LIZ:

Tomorrow morning.

BOSS:

(EXCLAMATION!) ...

GEORGE:

Tomorrow morning?! Oh, Liz, sit down. You have to rest, dear.

IRIS:

(WHISPERS) Liz?

LIZ:

Huh?

IRIS:

(WHISPERS) Liz, why don't you give him the socks now?

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) All right. (UP) Uh, George? I have a little surprise for you. Here. I knitted them myself. How do you like them?

GEORGE:

(CONFUSED) Oh. Fine, dear. Swell. What are they? ...

BOSS:

Oh, George, anyone can see what they are.

LIZ:

Sure.

BOSS:

They're two little pull-over sweaters with hoods. ...

LIZ:

(DISBELIEF) Ohhhh.

GEORGE:

Two? Oh, why two, Liz?

LIZ:

Well, George, after all, that's the normal number. ...

GEORGE:

It is?

LIZ:

Yes. I thought you'd look pretty silly walking around with one. ... Maybe you'd like three? ...

GEORGE:

No, no. Two will be fine! No, no. ...

IRIS:

George? George, I only want to say one thing. I'm proud of you. ...

LIZ:

So am I.

GEORGE:

Oh, tomorrow's going to be the happiest day of my life.

LIZ:

What? Are you glad?

GEORGE:

Well, certainly I'm glad. Aren't you?

LIZ:

I should say not. I'm mad! You know who's to blame for the whole thing, don't you? ...

BOSS:

What?

GEORGE:

Well, who?

LIZ:

Those darn Chinese Communists! ...

BOSS:

Ohhhh, gad! ...

GEORGE:

What are you talking about, Liz?

LIZ:

I'm talking about your being drafted. What do you think I'm talking about?

GEORGE/BOSS:

Drafted?!

GEORGE:

Well, aren't you having a baby?

LIZ/IRIS:

A baby?!

LIZ:

Of course not.

GEORGE:

Well, I'm not being drafted either. Dave Janus is away, and I'm just taking his place on the draft board.

LIZ:

Well, that's a fine thing, deceiving me like that!

GEORGE:

Deceiving you? I didn't-- How'd you know about it anyway?

LIZ:

(SHEEPISH) I peeked in the letter from the draft board.

GEORGE:

Well, that's what you get for being snoopy.

LIZ:

(UPSET) Snoopy? George Cooper, as far as I'm concerned, you can go into the army!

GEORGE:

What?

LIZ:

And it wouldn't surprise me if you did, either! (TEARFUL) It'd be just like you to run away and join the army and leave me with our only child! (CRYING) Waaaaaaaa!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

BALL:

(CALLS, LOUD) Oh, Booooob?! Bob LeMond?!

ANNCR:

Yes, Lucille? What transpires tonight?

BALL:

(GRANDLY) Tonight, Robert-- (PUZZLED) Transpires?! ... (GRANDLY AGAIN) Tonight, Robert, you are an explorer lost in the jungle, and I am a shy, native flower. A little romantic jungle music, Wilbur.

MUSIC:

A BROAD INTRODUCTION FOR A BROAD COMEDY SKETCH

SFX:

JUNGLE ANIMALS CHIRP NOISILY ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNCR:

I've been lost in this steaming jungle for days! Oh, here comes someone! It's a woman! Never have I've seen such a ravishing beauty! ... So dainty, so shy! Dare I approach her? (BEAT) Hello?

BALL:

(UNEXPECTEDLY GOOFY VOICE) Hello, there. ...

ANNCR:

Do you live here in the jungle?

BALL:

Yes. ... I was brought up by the animals. My mother was a marmoset. ...

ANNCR:

Really?

BALL:

My father was a papaset. ...

ANNCR:

Well, do you speak to the animals?

BALL:

Why, certainly. Doesn't everybody? ...

ANNCR:

Well, certainly not.

BALL:

Well, it's a small world, isn't it? I speak to the animals every day of my life.

ANNCR:

Well, tell me, what--?

BALL:

Hmmmm?

ANNCR:

What do they say?

BALL:

I don't know. They never answer me! ...

ANNCR:

Oh, great. How long have you been lost here in the jungle?

BALL:

Since I was four days old.

ANNCR:

Well, how did you ever learn to speak English?

BALL:

Correspondence school. ...

ANNCR:

Oh. Well, what do you eat?

BALL:

Jell-O! ...

ANNCR:

Jell-O?

BALL:

Yes. It comes in six delicious flavors -- strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime.

ANNCR:

Well, I know, but where do you get it?

BALL:

(AS IF IT WERE OBVIOUS) From the Jell-O bush! ...

ANNCR:

Jell-O bush?

BALL:

Certainly. You don't think it grows on trees do you? ...

ANNCR:

Are you talking about Jell-O that makes you think of the real, ripe fruit?

BALL:

Itself. ...

ANNCR:

Jell-O with the box which you look for the big red letters on?

BALL:

That the one is. ... Jell-O with the flavor locked in so it can't get out till your first--

ANNCR:

(BEAT) Your first what?

BALL:

I don't know. ...

ANNCR:

"Delectable spoonful"?

BALL:

I don't know. I don't get those words until my next lesson. ... Good night, sahib!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

You have been listening to "My Favorite Husband" starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning and based on characters created by Isabel Scott Rorick. Tonight's transcribed program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer who wrote the script with Madelyn Pugh and Bob Carroll, Jr. Original music was composed by Marlin Skiles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. and Mrs. Atterbury were played by Gale Gordon and Bea Benaderet. The part of Katy the maid was played by Ruth Perrott. Be sure to watch for Lucille Ball as a would-be cosmetic dealer in her latest Columbia picture, "The Fuller Brush Girl." Bob LeMond speaking.

MUSIC:

THEME

SFX:

APPLAUSE