Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: The Great Gildersleeve
Show: Gildersleeve's New Secretary
Date: Apr 21 1948

Transcribed by the Generic Radio Workshop

ANNCR:

The Kraft Foods Company presents Harold Peary as "The Great Gildersleeve!"

GILDY:

Dirty Laugh

MUSIC:

Theme

ANNCR:

The Great Gildersleeve is brought to you by the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous cheese food Velveeta. Everybody goes for Velveeta's rich yet mild cheddar cheese flavor, in snacks and sandwiches and in hot dishes. And hidden in that swell cheese flavor are important nutrients from milk. That's why smart homemakers keep Velveeta on hand regularly to spread or slice, and to melt for grand economical hot dishes. Tomorrow, get VELVEETA, the cheese food of Kraft quality!

MUSIC:

Theme playout

ANNCR:

It's seldom you find the Great Gildersleeve sitting in a movie, unless there's an added attraction. This evening, the added attraction is sitting in the seat right next to him.

SOUND:

MUSIC FROM MOVIE TITLES UNDER

GILDY:

Ahhhhh.. Comfy, Adeline?

ADELINE:

Oh yes, and we're just in time, it's starting!

MUSIC SWELLS BRIEFLY, CONTINUES UNDER DIALOG

GILDY:

If the picture gets too exciting, Adeline, you can hold my hand?

ADELINE:

But Throckmorton, this is a romantic picture!

GILDY:

Ohhh? Well, then? I'll hold YOUR hand! (chuckle)

ADELINE:

All right?

GILDY:

(Sigh) Nice Title - "Love is Love."

ADELINE: I know you'll just ADORE Anthony Dane!

GILDY:

Anthony Dane? Who's he?

ADELINE:

Who's Anthony Dane? Oh, Throckmorton!

MUSIC:

MOVIE MUSIC UP, It's later in the film

MOVIE NARRATOR:

London: 1560. At the court of Good Queen Bess.

ADELINE:

I just love period movies, don't you? Where they wear costumes and all?

GILDY:

Well I haven't been to anywhere they DID'NT! (BEAT) Which one's Anthony?

ADELINE:

He hasn't come in yet.

MOVIE:

Trumpet fanfare

GILDY:

Bet that's him?

ADELINE:

Yes! That's him.

GILDY:

Wearing silk stockings!

ADELINE:

Doesn't Anthony walk gracefully? Look how he carries those broad shoulders!

GILDY:

I don't know how he does it on those spindly legs.

ADELINE:

Shhh!

DANE:

(onscreen) Tomorrow I sail with the Queen's Fleet to the New World!

QUEEN:

(onscreen) Tomorrow?

DANE:

Tomorrow!

QUEEN:

Oh! Tomorrow!

GILDY:

(YAWNS) Excuse me, Adeline, I'll get some popcorn.

MOVIE MUSIC SWELLS, FADES, REAPPEARS

DANE:

No Captain-- I'll stand the sick boy's watch! Forsooth! Tonight my thoughts are too heavy for sleep!

ADELINE:

This is the big scene I've been waiting for, Throckmorton - Anthony's soliloquy about love in the crow's nest.

GILDY:

Err - Huh? 'Scuse me, I'll get some more popcorn!

MOVIE MUSIC SWELLS, FADES, REAPPEARS WITH TENDER THEME

DANE:

She's gone to the courtyard. I know - I'll guard. Yes - she MUST be there - by the fountain!

ADELINE:

Isn't Anthony wonderful?

GILDY:

(yawn) His seams are a little crooked.

DANE:

My beloved - I'm back.

QUEEN:

You came back m'lord, you came back! After three long years!

DANE:

Three?long?years!

GILDY:

(muttering) Three very long years!

ADELINE:

Shhhhh!

DANE:

I HAD to come back! To hold you again?like this?because-Love?Is?Love!

FX:

a few whistles from movie audience

GILDY:

(DISMAYED) Oh, my goodness!

SOUND:

MOVIE THEME PLAYS OUT. AUDEINCE MUTTERS

ADELINE:

Mercy -- What a man!

GILDY:

Come on, Adeline. It's over-- It's all over.

ADELINE:

Alright, but I could sit here all night?

GILDY:

Heh, heh, heh. Pardon me, pardon me, miss?madam?

ADELINE:

Well, we could go home and talk about it, and I'll make some coffee.

GILDY:

Well, let's walk by the office first, huh? Pick up some cigars. I've chewed all I had to keep awake.

ADELINE:

Can't you get some from at Mr. Peavey's? I'd love a soda.

GILDY:

It's pretty late, Adeline. Everything's closed now, and I'm too tired to go shopping around.

ADELINE:

Well if you're so tired, Throckmorton, let's call a taxi.

GILDY:

Taxi!? I can't sit down any more! Three long years!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS

ADELINE:

You know, Throckmorton, I really shouldn't be coming up to a man's office at this hour.

GILDY:

Why not? A man has to have cigars.

ADELINE:

Well, if the queen's tenant went to the fountain with Anthony unchaperoned, then I guess I could go to the water department with you! (GIGGLES)

GILDY:

Yeah, you know, come to think of it, I've never really shown you around here, have I, Adeline?

ADELINE:

No, you haven't.

SFX:

KEY IN LOCK

ADELINE:

Oh, wasn't Anthony wonderful? So tender with women and so rough with the Indians!

GILDY:

Ye-eess. Now, here's where I run the water department that you've heard so much about, Adeline. That's my executive-type chair behind the desk. And there's the-

ADELINE:

Throckmorton, do you think your hair will get that distinguished steel gray at the temples? Like Anthony Dane's did in the dream years in the New World?

GILDY:

I've been in the New World quite a while, and it hasn't turned gray yet. But it will, Adeline, if you don't stop talking about Anthony, the Great Dane.

ADELINE:

Oh, I'm sorry, Throckmorton. I HAVE been neglecting you, haven't I?

GILDY:

(WOUNDED) That's all right - we'll get my cigars out of the drawer and we'll go home.

ADELINE:

Oh, now, Throckmorton, don't be so sensitive! Tell me about your office.

GILDY:

No, no! It's not very interesting anyway. Let's go home.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

ADELINE:

Gracious! What are all these important-looking papers?

GILDY:

Just some reports Bessie and I have to get to the mayor early in the morning. Let's go.

ADELINE:

Bessie?

GILDY:

My secretary.

ADELINE:

You know, I think I'm a little jealous of your secretary, Throckmorton. Gettin' to spend all day with you. I think I'd like to trade places with her.

GILDY:

Huh? Well ? You'd probably be more efficient than Bessie. I don't think we'd get much work done, heh, heh, heh.

ADELINE:

Oh, you! Well, let's try it anyway. I'll play I'm your secretary.

GILDY:

Play? But Adeline!

ADELINE:

Oh, it'll be fun, Throckmorton.

GILDY:

It's getting late!

ADELINE:

Well, you sit at your desk now, and I'll help you get out your report to the mayor. (BEAT) There. Now, where does your secretary usually sit?

GILDY:

Sit? Well, Bessie always sits in that chair, but in your case --- heh, heh, heh -

ADELINE:

Oh, you!

GILDY:

(LAUGHS)

SFX:

NOISE OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE

GILDY:

What's that? Sounds like somebody came in.

ADELINE:

Oh, dear!

MAYOR:

(OFF) Is that you, Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Me? Ohhh -- Hello there, mayor Terwilliger!

MAYOR:

Gildersleeve, I saw a light, and I wondered who'd be up here at this hour.

GILDY:

Well, it's just me and Miss Fairchild. This is our mayor, Miss Fairchild, Mayor Terwilliger!

ADELINE:

Oh, how do you do?

MAYOR:

How do you do? Gildersleeve, what's going on here?

GILDY:

Eh? Now, Mr. Mayor?

MAYOR:

You're a city official, and this is City Hall, and it's nearly midnight. Start explaining.

GILDY:

Explaining? Well, it's nothing to get upset about, Mr. Mayor. We were um, uh, just working on your report!

MAYOR:

My report?

GILDY:

Weren't we, Adel-Miss Fairchild?

ADELINE:

Well yes, we were!

MAYOR:

Oh. Well, then I apologize, Gildersleeve. I didn't suspect you'd be working late!

GILDY:

Ah, heh, heh, heh!

MAYOR:

As a matter of fact, I didn't even know you had a new secretary.

GILDY:

New secretary? Yes, oh, yes! New secretary!

ADELINE:

Well, really, I --

GILDY:

Now, Miss Fairchild, never interrupt the mayor.

MAYOR:

That's all right. I think you've done the right thing for once, Gildersleeve, getting rid of your old secretary.

GILDY:

What?

MAYOR:

There have been lots of mistakes coming out of your office, and I knew YOU couldn't be making all of them.

GILDY:

Well, I try to do my part --

MAYOR:

What?

GILDY:

I mean, Bessie makes a few mistakes, but she's not a bad secretary.

MAYOR:

Nonsense, Gildersleeve! She was grossly incompetent, and you know it.

GILDY:

But-

MAYOR:

I know you hated to let her go, but an executive has to be hard at times, for the good of the city.

GILDY:

Oh, yes! For the good of the city.

MAYOR:

Why, I wouldn't even hesitate to fire you, Gildersleeve, for the good of the city.

GILDY:

Oh, well! We wouldn't want that to happen.

ADELINE:

But Mayor Terwilliger-

GILDY:

Errh, Good-evening, Miss Fairchild!

MAYOR:

Well, I'll say goodnight now, and stop by in the morning when you're not so busy.

GILDY:

In the morning?

MAYOR:

I always like to get acquainted with our new employees. Don't work too late!

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT

MAYOR:

Good night!

SFX:

Door closes off

GILDY:

Oh, no, we won't wor-Good night!

ADELINE:

You see? I told you this'd be fun!

GILDY:

Gee! How do I get out of this?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

Leroy:

Pass the toast Marj!

Marjorie:

Again?

Leroy:

Unc, what're you doing up so early?

Gildy:

Good morning Leroy, Marjorie -

Marjorie:

Hey, you ARE up early!

Gildy:

Early? It's not so early! (calls) Birdie! Breakfast! I'm in a little hurry!

Birdie:

(off) That you, Mr. Gildersleeve! You're up early!

Gildy:

Oh my goodness!

Leroy:

See, you ARE up early! What's up, Unc?

Gildy:

Leroy, I just have to go down to my office and take care of a few things. Eat your prunes!

Marj:

Do you want some of the paper? Leroy has the comics.

Gildy:

No time for the paper.

Leroy:

I'll read the comics to you, Unc. "Wow! Zip! Zowie! Take That! Ehehehehehe! To be continued."

Gildy:

Oh my goodness! Leroy, I have a big enough headache without that machine-gun stuff.

Marj:

Your eyes DO look tired, Unkie! Didn't you sleep well?

Gildy:

No. (calls) Birdie, let's hustle it up!

FX:

Door slams open

Birdie:

I get your juice- - I didn't know you's getting up so early!

FX:

Door slams shut

Gildy:

What was that? Oh. Juice.

Marj:

What did you and miss Fairchild do last night, Unkie?

Gildy:

Well, we went to the movies.

Marj:

To the movies? Not you! What'd you see?

Leroy:

Did you see "Wolf Call"?

Gildy:

Same thing, practically. "Love is Love"!

Marj:

Not "Love is Love" with Anthony Dane!

Leroy:

Anthony Dane! What a drip!

Marj:

Oh Unkie, didn't he just thrill you?

Gildy:

No, I can't say that he did.

Leroy:

He's a drip!

Marj:

He is not!

Leroy:

You just like him because all he does is make Love, Love, Love!

Marj:

Leroy! Don't try to be smart.

Leroy:

He's a drip.

Marj:

Unkie, make him stop!

Gildy:

Now Leroy, let's not have an argument. He can't help it if he's a drip!

Marj:

Unkie!

FX:

Door slams open

Birdie:

Here's yo' bacon and eggs, Mr. Gildersleeve. You sneaked up on me this mornin'!

Gildy:

Thank you, Birdie.

Birdie:

Lemee know next time you want early, an' I'll have it ready for ya, any time you want it early?

Gildy:

Now birdie, let's not make a big thing of this. There's nothing so unusual about me getting to the office early.

Leroy:

Ha!

Gildy:

Leroooooy!

Birdie:

All you got to do is let Birdie know when you want breakfast early, and she'll have it ready, any time you want it early!

Gildy:

FINE, Birdie!

Birdie:

I heard you comin' thru late last night, I didn't think you want it early, how was I to know?

Gildy:

That's all right, Birdie!

Birdie:

All you'se got to do is let me know, any time you want it early.

Gildy:

YES, birdie!

Birdie:

(fading) I'm up anyway; all's you got to do is let me know, anytime you want it early!--

FX:

Door slams shut

Gildy:

Ye Gods, I'll never get up early again, not even to save my job!

MUSIC:

Transition

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS FADE IN

GILDY:

Adeline thought last night was all a big joke. Why did I ever let her play secretary? Now if I don't get Bessie out of here before the mayor shows up?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

She's not here yet. Nine o'clock! What a secretary!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE. MORE FOOTSTEPS

GILDY:

Probably the mayor's right. Maybe I should fire Bessie. No, I haven't the heart. She'll never get a job anywhere else. Besides, it was my fault. No! It was the mayor's fault for snooping around! (SIGHS) (BEAT) And I like this chair! Where is that Bessie?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BESSIE:

Good morning, Mr. Gildersleeve! You're up early!

GILDY:

Bessie, where have you been? It's thirty seconds after nine!

BESSIE:

I'm sorry, Mr. Gildersleeve, I'd have been here earlier, but I stopped outside the door to pick up the mail. Here it is.

GILDY:

Oh.

BESSIE:

A travel circular.

GILDY:

A travel circular? Say! I could take a trip?

BESSIE:

What did you say, Mr. Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Wait a minute! Bessie, why don't you take a trip?

BESSIE:

Me? I'm going to on my vacation. I've been dying to see the Grand Canyon!

GILDY:

Don't take off your hat. Go see it now.

BESSIE:

What?

GILDY:

The Grand Canyon's wonderful this time of year. Leave this morning, Bessie. You've been working entirely too hard. Goodbye! Have a good time!

BESSIE:

Thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve! (BEAT) Mr. Gildersleeve, are you feeling all right?

GILDY:

No, but I'll feel better if you go on a vacation. It'll give me time to straighten out things around here.

BESSIE:

Hasn't my work been satisfactory?

GILDY:

Let's not go into that, Bessie. Just take your vacation, immediately.

BESSIE:

But Mr. Gildersleeve -

GILDY:

Please, Bessie! Don't argue. Vacate!

BESSIE:

Mr. Gildersleeve, this isn't your nice way of telling me I'm through is it?

GILDY:

No, Bessie. When you come back, everything will be the same!

BESSIE:

Oh, I'm so glad. Because a terrible thing happened to my girlfriend when she went on vacation. When she came back, her boss had been fired!

GILDY:

Oh! Get going, Bessie. Here. I'll open the door. Come on?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MAYOR:

(OFF) You know what I told him, Judge?

JUDGE:

(OFF) What, Mr. Mayor?

SFX:

DOOR SHUTS AS GILDY PANICS

GILDY:

The mayor! Quick, Bessie. Hide in the broom closet.

SFX:

FOOSTEPS

BESSIE:

But Mr. Gildersleeve, what about the Grand Canyon?

GILDY:

Don't argue, Bessie. The Grand Canyon will wait. It always has.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

Hop in there.

BESSIE:

But-

SFX:

DOOR SLAMS CLOSED

GILDY:

(LOW) Don't listen to a word we say.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

MAYOR:

(OFF) Gildersleeve, are you here?

GILDY:

Uh, yes! Yes, I am! Good morning Mayor Terwilliger.

MAYOR:

(ON) Good morning, commissioner.

GILDY:

Yes! Yes?Judge, what are you doing here?

JUDGE:

I just had to come over, Gildersleeve. The mayor tells me you have a new secretary.

MAYOR:

Yes, where is she, Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Yes, well, she's in the broom closet-I mean, uh-I mean, the Grand Canyon. Eh-that is, she's out at the moment.

MAYOR:

Oh.

JUDGE:

She sounds like a busy little girl.

GILDY:

Oh, she is. We were just discussing vacations, that's why I mentioned-

JUDGE:

I hear she's very attractive, Gildy. And blonde.

GILDY:

Blonde? Yes.

MAYOR:

I'm sorry she isn't here, but I must get to my office. Tell Miss - what's her name, Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Well, uh-

MAYOR:

Fairchild, wasn't it?

JUDGE:

Not Adeline Fairchild? YOUR secretary? (LAUGHS)

GILDY:

Shut up, you old goat.

MAYOR:

What's this?

GILDY:

Nothing! Nothing! Goodbye, Mr. Mayor! Drop in again sometime!

MAYOR:

Thank you, Gildersleeve. In fact, I'll drop back right after lunch at one o'clock.

GILDY:

One o'clock?

MAYOR:

The girl's new, I feel I should familiarize her with municipal operations.

GILDY:

Well, she's been familiar-er, um, she might be out to lunch at one o'clock.

MAYOR:

Well, have her here, Gildersleeve. If she doesn't mind working until midnight she won't mind being in the office at one o'clock.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT. DOOR CLOSES

GILDY:

(MOANS)

JUDGE:

Well, Gildy, this is a juicy bit of gossip. It seems the water commissioner has a skeleton in his closet!

GILDY:

I have not. Come out of the closet, Bessie.

JUDGE:

(OVER FX) What?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

BESSIE:

(CRIES) Mr. Gildersleeve!

Judge:

Well! Bessie!

BESSIE:

I heard everything! You're going to fire me!

GILDY:

No I'm not, Bessie. Let me explain.

BESSIE:

I'm going home!

GILDY:

Great idea, Bessie. Stay home until I call you. And stop crying!

JUDGE:

Yes, stop crying, Bessie, because if you heard everything, he doesn't dare fire you, EVER!

BESSIE:

(CRIES LOUDER)

GILDY:

Oh, I think I'll go to the Grand Canyon and jump in!

MUSIC:

CONCLUSION

ANNCR:

Just between us, Gildersleeve isn't going to jump in - he'll be right back.

ANNCR:

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MUSC:

Theme

ANNCR:

Well, it's been a rough day for the water commissioner, and it's getting rougher. The great man has sent Bessie home until he figures out his secretary problems, and he's working on them right now - under a hot towel in Floyd's barbershop.

GILDY:

(to himself) I could have Bessie dye her hair blonde, like Adeline's. No, the mayor would see through that.

Floyd:

What'cha mumblin' about, Commish? Speak up, I'm getting' lonesome!

Gildy:

Just thinking, Floyd.

Floyd:

I'll say you are. Got somethin' on your mind, aincha.

Gildy:

How do you know?

Floyd:

A barber works pretty close to the brain, he can tell. Here, let me feel. Yup, you can feel the wheels goin' round -- ta pocketa-pocketa-pocketa?

Gildy:

Alright, Floyd! I happen to have a headache. Stop the clowning.

Floyd:

I'm sorry, Commish, just makin' conversation. Part of the service.

Gildy:

All the service I want is a shave, Floyd, and hurry it up.

FX:

Scissors

Floyd:

OK. But you oughta let me do somethin' about those eyes, Commish. Looks like you been workin' em pretty late nights! Heh-heh-heh.

Gildy:

Heh-heh-heh - pretty funny.

Floyd:

Here, let me drop a little Murine in 'em.

Gildy:

Well, it might feel pretty good.

Floyd:

Open the left one.

Gildy:

Mmmmn.

Floyd:

There you are.

Gildy:

Whoooop! Floyd, don't drop 'em from so high!

Floyd:

OK. Right eye, Commish. That's it.

Gildy:

Well, if you're going to drop it, drop it!

Floyd:

Keep it open! Don't flinch!

Gildy:

It IS open.

Floyd:

OK?.bomb's away?

GILDY:

Not the whole bottle, Floyd!

Floyd:

Well, that one was a little worse. Ummmm, how'd they get in such bad shape, Commish?

Gildy:

Huh?

Floyd:

Personally, I wouldn't stand for it, workin' day and night like you do down at the office.

Gildy:

(SUSPICUOUS) What's this, Floyd?

Floyd:

Why, I even hear it takes TWO secretaries to keep up with you!

Gildy:

What?

Floyd:

One for during the day, and one at night. Heh heh heh heh?

Gildy:

I see Hooker has been here! Now get this straight, Floyd , I have only one secretary and that's Bessie.

Floyd:

Oh yeah? Then who was that the mayor caught you with up at the water department last night -- a mermaid from your reservoir?

Gildy:

Floyd, Miss Fairchild and I stopped by my office to get some cigars after a movie. That's the truth!

Floyd:

Uh - huh.

Gildy:

Now, Floyd!

Floyd:

Couldn't you feed the mayor a better story than that, Commish? Like - you was waitin' for a streetcar?

Gildy:

It's all a horrible misunderstanding, Floyd! They mayor assumed Adeline was my new secretary , and now he's coming back ?at one o'clock? to have a talk with her.

Floyd: Oh yeah? What're you gonna do, Commish?

Gildy:

What would YOU do, Floyd?

Floyd:

I'd HIRE her!

Gildy:

What??

Floyd:

I'd LIKE to have a classy dame like Miss Fairchild around here! To sharpen scissors, and stuff.. Hehehehehe?

Gildy:

That's silly, Floyd! I can't let Bessie go. Besides, Adeline knows NOTHING about stenographic work.

Floyd:

So what! Put her on the city payroll, what've you got to lose!

Gildy:

Only my JOB, that's all.

Floyd:

Oh yeah, that's right?

FX:

Scissors

Floyd:

Hey! Hey, why don't you have her come down at one o'clock and save your hide and then let her go!

Gildy:

No, Floyd. That's ridiculous. Get me out of here.

Floyd:

Why not?

Gildy:

That would be gross misrepresentation. Not only that it would be dishonest and unethical and I won't do it!

MUSIC:

Transition

FX:

Phone ringing

Gildy:

Hmmm. Adeline doesn't answer.

FX: Hang up

Gildy:

Well, I'm kind of glad. I'd hate to be dishonest and unethical like that Floyd.

MUSIC:

Transition

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

(SIGHS) Hello, Peavey

PEAVEY:

Hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. How are things with you today?

GILDY:

I have a splitting headache. Everything's been going wrong today, Peavey, from the time I got up this morning.

PEAVEY:

I'm sorry to hear that. I woke up quite pleasantly this morning to the scent of lilacs coming in through the window.

GILDY:

I didn't sleep at well. I didn't feel like eating breakfast-

PEAVEY:

I'm very fond of lilacs

GILDY:

Everything went wrong at the office -

PEAVEY:

So is Mrs. Peavey.

GILDY:

What?

PEAVEY:

Fond of lilacs.

GILDY:

Oh, my goodness, Peavey. We're not talking about lilacs!

PEAVEY:

I am.

GILDY:

Alright. Go ahead and talk about 'em.

PEAVEY:

I've BEEN talking about 'em.

GILDY:

Peavey, I came in here with a headache, and it's getting no better fast.

PEAVEY:

Well, that's too bad Mr. Gildersleeve, why didn't you say so?

GILDY:

I DID! But you were too busy talking about lilacs!

PEAVEY:

Well, I happen to LIKE lilacs.

GILDY:

Yes, yes.

PEAVEY:

And so does Mrs. Peavey.

GILDY: So you told me. Give me an aspirin, Peavey, and a glass of water. Make it two aspirin.

PEAVEY:

My! You ARE upset.

GILDY:

You'd be upset, too, Peavey, if you had my troubles. You're lucky you don't have the mayor to contend with.

PEAVEY:

You're right there, Mr. Gildersleeve.

GILDY:

You're lucky you don't have secretary trouble.

PEAVEY:

I wouldn't say that. Sometimes I get a little envious when I hear about you fellows with your secretaries.

GILDY:

Oh? What have you heard, Peavey?

PEAVEY:

Druggists don't repeat everything they hear, Mr. Gildersleeve. Code of ethics, you know.

GILDY:

Code of ethics. No matter what you've heard, I can explain it.

PEAVEY:

You don't have to explain anything to me, Mr. Gildersleeve.

GILDY:

The judge has been in here telling you about the trouble I've been in, hasn't he?

PEAVEY:

Well, I can't say that he has.

GILDY:

He has, Peavey, and you know it.

PEAVEY:

Yes I know it, but I can't say it. Code of ethics you know.

GILDY:

Code of ethics. I don't care what you've heard, Peavey, the only thing I'm worried about is what I'm going to tell the mayor at one o'clock.

PEAVEY:

You care for another aspirin?

GILDY:

No, it's too big of a problem for another aspirin. Peavey, I respect your opinions. What do you think I should do?

PEAVEY:

Now, that's a question. There's an old saying, "he who dances must pay the fiddler."

GILDY:

But Peavey, there's been no dancing and no fiddling!

PEAVEY:

Pretty sound advice. There's another one: "he who plays with fire?"

GILDY:

Oh, I give up!

PEAVEY:

Don't you want to hear the rest of it?

GILDY:

I've know the rest of it. I've read your almanac.

PEAVY:

What?

SFX:

STEPS TO DOOR. DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

(WALKS OFF MIC AS HE SPEAKS) So long, Poor Richard! Thanks for the aspirin!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

PEAVEY:

Hmmph. All that advice and he didn't buy a thing. I think I'll take an aspirin myself.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

GILDY:

Judge, what do you mean by spreading this stuff all over town?

Hooker:

Now now, Gildy, calm down! You wouldn't be in any trouble at all if you had told the mayor the truth when you should have.

Gildy:

Well, I tried to, but he gave me such a good excuse that I couldn't pass it up.

Hooker:

Uh huh. Now then my advice to you is to go back and tell the mayor EXACTLY what happened - that you stepped up to the office for a cigar right after the show.

Gildy:

But you know the mayor -- he's very excitable, Judge. He's liable to fire me right on the spot!

Hooker:

Well, you're going to have to take that chance. And if your REALLY want to make an impression, you won't wait for the mayor to come to you - you'll go to him!

Gildy:

What?

Hooker:

March right into his office like a little soldier and say your piece. Beard the lion in his den!

Gildy:

Well, uhhh, I don't like the way you put it, judge, but - I'll do it.

MUSIC:

Funereal transition

Gildy:

Beard the lion in his den! I wonder if the lion's been fed? Welll?

FX:

Door opens

GILDY:

(meek) Good afterno-Is the lion --- is the mayor in?

SECRETARY:

Mr. Gildersleeve, come in.

GILDY:

(A LITTLE HOARSE) Thank you.

SEC:

Laryngitis, Mr. Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Oh, no. I don't think so. Although it has been a little damp in the water department. Heh heh. Is the mayor in?

SEC:

I expect him back shortly. He went to lunch with a lady. The mayor was very busy this morning - cleaning house.

GILDY:

Cleaning house?

SEC:

He's been on quite a rampage. I'm afraid we're losing some of our personnel.

GILDY:

Oh.

SEC:

He's due at your office at one o'clock.

GILDY:

Well, yes, but I, uh-

MAYOR:

(OFF) Well, Gildersleeve, there you are.

GILDY:

Oh, uh, yes, Mr. Mayor, here I am.

MAYOR:

Well, this saves me the trouble of going to your office to tell you what I have to say.

GILDY (Well I--)

MAYOR:

I found out a few things since I talked to you last.

GILDY:

You have? Well, if it has anything to do with my new secretary-

MAYOR:

It has EVERYTHING to do with your new secretary. And Gildersleeve, this calls for a change in the water department.

GILDY:

Eeee?

MAYOR:

I will not tolerate people who are undependable, frivolous, and who shirk their responsibility.

GILDY:

(LOW) That's me?

MAYOR:

Now then, about this new blonde secretary of yours, this Miss Fairchild.

GILDY:

Yes?

MAYOR:

On the way back from lunch, you know what I discovered?

GILDY:

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

MAYOR:

She was going into a movie on city time!

GILDY:

To a movie?

MAYOR:

Some ridiculous picture called "Love is Love." Gildersleeve, you have to let her go. Fire her!

GILDY:

Fire her? Weeeell, if you say so, Mr. Mayor. Yeeees!

MAYOR:

What are you laughing at, Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Nothing, nothing. Good old Anthony Dane.

MUSIC:

UP

ANNCR:

We'll hear from the Great Gildersleeve again very shortly.

ANNCR:

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MUSIC:

up to finish

Gildy:

Ye Gods, Bessie! I got your job back for you. Now stop daydreaming - let's get on with the work!

Bessie:

I'm sorry, Mr. Gildersleeve. I was just thinking about my vacation at the Grand Canyon.

Gildy:

Vacations come in August, Bessie - let's buckle down. Here it is nearly five o'clock. We'll never get these reports to the mayor.

Bessie:

Mr. Gildersleeve, may I make a suggestion?

Gildy:

What is it, Bessie?

Bessie:

Why don't we come back tonight and work?

Gildy:

Whooaa - not THAT!

MUSIC:

UP

ANNCR:

The Great Gildersleeve is played by Harold Peary. Adeline Fairchild by Miss Una Merkel. The show was written by John Elliott and Andy White with music by Jack Eagan. Included in the cast are Walter Tetley, Louise Erickson, Lillian Randolph, Earl Ross, and Richard Legrand.

GILDY:

Excuse me a second, John! I'd just like to remind everyone that Unite States Security Bonds are a mighty good investment, both for our country's future, and for YOUR future. You get 4 dollars back for every 3 you put in. Folks, buy those bonds regularly.

ANNCR:

Thank you, Hal. His john Wald, saying goodnight for the Kraft Foods Company, makes of the famous line of Kraft quality food products.

GILDY:

And me too.

Anncr:

Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday for the further adventures of "The Great Gildersleeve"

GILDY:

Laugh

MUSIC:

UP