Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Our Miss Brooks
Show: National Clean Up
Date: Mar 05 1950

ANNOUNCER:

Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay, and Luster Cream Shampoo, for soft glamorous caressable hair, bring you Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden.

(APPLAUSE)

 

(MUSIC: THEME SONG)

 

ANNOUNCER:

Its time once again for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks written by Al Lewis.

ANNOUNCER:

Well, they say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, has an amendment to this ancient bromide.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, this year March - and our beloved principal, Osgoode Conklin - both came in like lions. And last Wednesday morning, when he summoned me to his office, I could tell by the tone of his roar that he had gotten up on the wrong side of his cage. As I entered his office, however, I was thrown off-guard somewhat by his bluff and hearty manner. In fact, his first two words to me were replete with camaraderie and affection.

MR. CONKLIN:

Sit down!

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, sir.

MR. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, I arrived at school this morning fifteen minutes ahead of anyone else, as is my wont.

MISS BROOKS:

It certainly is.

MR. CONKLIN:

And as I... It certainly is what?

MISS BROOKS:

Your wont. That is, getting here fifteen minutes ahead of anyone else is an old wont of yours. Yes sir, that one wont goes way back. And Ive been working with you for almost five years. I guess know as much about your different wonts as any teacher in this school...

MR. CONKLIN:

(interrupting) Hush!

MISS BROOKS:

Sorry, sir.

MR. CONKLIN:

As I passed through the hall, I noticed one of the classroom doors was ajar. It was your room, Miss Brooks. And as I reached in to close the door, I saw your blackboards.

MISS BROOKS:

They hadnt been stolen!

MR. CONKLIN:

No, no. But they hadnt been erased, either. You know very well, Miss Brooks, that it has long been a strict rule in this institution that nothing is to remain on the blackboards overnight.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, I know that sir, but some of the students must have made some notes after I left the room. You see, we have been studying the Shakespearean tragedies and the class is taking to it with great enthusiasm.

MR. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, I am quite certain the immortal Bard did not pen the words I saw on your blackboard.

MISS BROOKS:

What words, Mr. Conklin?

MR. CONKLIN:

One line said, and I quote, Old man Conklin is a bird-brain.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh thats impossible, sir! You misread the blackboard. What it probably said was, uhh, uhhh, Old King Lear is a bird-brain.

MR. CONKLIN:

Old King Lear is a bird-brain? Who would want to write a thing like that?!

MISS BROOKS:

His daughters. They hated his guts---err... They didnt... They were very mean to him.

MR. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks. I hold you responsible for the condition of your blackboard. And remember, it is from such petty beginnings that more dangerous, subversive activities can stem.

MISS BROOKS:

Ill have a loyalty check before class. ... Mr. Conklin, dont you think youre being unduly severe about a relatively minor transgression?

MR. CONKLIN:

Severe, perhaps. But I challenge your use of the word unduly. After all, I am the man to whom this entire school looks for leadership. As your leader, I must be firm, decisive, wielding my power with justice but authority.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, sire - uhh, sir. I know youre quite a stickler for discipline, Mr. Conklin, and all of us on the faculty try to cooperate. But sometimes your manner is so stern and forbidding it makes it difficult. What Im trying to say, I guess, is that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

MR. CONKLIN:

I dont want flies. I want teachers. I want teachers with a wholesome respect for the inspiring mottos on which I was brought up: Spare the rod and spoil the child. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. And these others here in my office. Uhh, read the one on that wall, Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, sir. Only the hands of the strong can hold the reins of leadership.

MR. CONKLIN:

Now the one next to it.

MISS BROOKS:

Through power alone can you command respect.

MR. CONKLIN:

How true that is.

MISS BROOKS:

There seems to be a motto missing, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

Which one?

MISS BROOKS:

Today Madison High, tomorrow the world.

MR. CONKLIN:

The janitor broke that one while he was dusting. Which brings me to another assignment I have for you this morning. I want you to see that my office is thoroughly cleaned out. Ive asked my daughter Harriet to send in one of the boys to do the heavy work and then - oh, good heavens, shell probably send in that lame-brain boyfriend of hers, Walter Denton.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, Walter isnt so bad, Mr. Conklin. In fact, compared to his pal, Stretch Snodgrass, his mentality is positively Einsteinian, ha.

MR. CONKLIN:

If only he wouldnt speak. That voice of his drives me insane!

MISS BROOKS:

Its just his age, Mr. Conklin. His voice is probably changing.

MR. CONKLIN:

Well it had better hurry. That boy sounds like a canary who has just caught a rancid batch of birdseed.

(SFX: DOOR KNOCKS)

 

MR. CONKLIN:

Come in.

(SFX: DOOR OPENS)

 

WALTER:

(Excited) Salutations and top of the morning to your principal!

MISS BROOKS:

Spit it out, Walter.

MR. CONKLIN:

Now that youre here, Denton, Ill be leaving shortly. So pay attention and Ill tell you what I want done.

WALTER:

Yes, sir. Harriet told me youre anticipating the National Clean Up Paint Up Fix Up campaign which starts every spring.

MR. CONKLIN:

That is correct. Im a great boy for getting a jump on the next fellow. Therefore, I want you to clean out all the old files youll find in my closet. I havent touched them since I took over this office from my predecessor, Mr. Darwell.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, I remember Mr. Darwell. There were times when we all thought he was a real tyrant.

MR. CONKLIN:

Ohhhh, you did!

MISS BROOKS:

Dear old Mr. Darwell. Ha ha.

MR. CONKLIN:

This file contains nothing but a bunch of antiquated records and correspondence kept by Darwell for years. You, Denton, will take them all out and destroy them.

WALTER:

Yes, sir.

MR. CONKLIN:

Burn them up.

WALTER:

To a cinder, sir.

MR. CONKLIN:

Now, Im going on a tour of classroom inspection. I havent cracked the whip around here in...lets see now, just how long has it been?

MISS BROOKS:

Yesterday.

WALTER:

Yesterday, I thought I remembered that...

MR. CONKLIN:

(interrupting) Oh, quiet!! I received an exceptionally large batch of mail this morning, Miss Brooks. While Im gone, I want you to open each and every letter, digest its contents, and if it is not of sufficient importance to demand my personal attention, tear it up!

MISS BROOKS:

Ill rip it to pieces, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

Crumple it! Destroy it!

MISS BROOKS:

Ill be merciless!

MR. CONKLIN:

Hurl it in the basket!

MISS BROOKS:

Ill bash it with my bare fists!

MR. CONKLIN:

Im going now. (SFX: FOOTSTEPS) Remember, lets get on the ball and stay there!! (SFX: DOOR SLAMS)

MISS BROOKS:

What am I, a seal?

WALTER:

Miss Brooks, hes in a pretty bad mood this morning, isnt he?

MISS BROOKS:

Even for him. But youd better get busy cleaning out those files, Walter.

WALTER:

Yes, maam. Theyre right in this closet here. (SFX: DOOR OPENS) Gosh, what a bunch of junk. Ill never be able to sort this stuff alone. Will you give me a hand, Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Id like to, Walter, but Ive got to go through the mail. Why dont you get Stretch Snodgrass to help you?

WALTER:

Oh, hes working in the supply room this morning. Hes supposed to be taking inventory before the Clean Up Paint Up Fix Up campaign starts this spring. It seems kind of early to me.

MISS BROOKS:

Me too. But Mr. Conklins a great boy for getting a jump on the other fellow.

WALTER:

I know. Ive seen him jump on some of the other fellas. Why, poor old Stretch will be lost down there!

MISS BROOKS:

Maybe Id better look in on him and see how hes doing.

WALTER:

I wish you would Miss Brooks. He doesnt know how to take inventory.

MISS BROOKS:

He probably doesnt even know how to pronounce it.

(MUSIC)

 

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS)

 

MISS BROOKS:

Stretch? Stretch Snodgrass?

STRETCH:

Oh, hi Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

How are things in the supply room, Stretch?

STRETCH:

All right, I guess. But I really dont know what Im supposed to do here.

MISS BROOKS:

Didnt Mr. Conklin tell you what to do?

STRETCH:

No, maam, not exactly. When I got to school this morning, his daughter Harriet handed me a memo from him which just said, Go to the supply room and take inventory. (inVENTory) So I got a problem, Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Why?

STRETCH:

I cant find no inventory (inVENTory) noplace. On top of that, Mr. Conklin just stopped by and bawled me out somethin awful.

MISS BROOKS:

Bawled you out? What were you doing?

STRETCH:

Well, I wasnt doing nothing. I was just standing here like a stick.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, what did Mr. Conklin say to you?

STRETCH:

He said, Whats the idea, standing there like a stick? So I said, I aint standing here like no stick. So then he said, Whos your English teacher, boy? So right away I said, Miss Brooks is my English teacher, thats who.

MISS BROOKS:

Thats me.

STRETCH:

If he wasnt in such a bad mood, I woulda told him what a boot I get outta takin English off ya. Sometimes...sometimes I think Id like to stay in your class forever, Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Sometimes I think youve got a very good chance. But Stretch, if youre not too busy at the moment, would you please run down to Mr. Conklins office and help Walter Denton clean out some old files?

STRETCH:

Aw, Id be glad to help Walter out, Miss Brooks. But Mr. Conklin told me to go from here to the biology lab and tell Mr. Boynton to wash all the cages. Pre-prepatory to paintin em.

MISS BROOKS:

Painting?

STRETCH:

Yes, maam. It seems theres some kind of campaign that starts in the spring.

MISS BROOKS:

Im familiar with it, Stretch. If youll join Walter in Mr. Conklins office, Ill be happy to deliver your message to Mr. Boynton. Of course, before I go to the biology lab Ive got to start my own campaign. You know, Clean Up Fix Up Paint Up.

STRETCH:

You mean your classroom, Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Classroom, nothing! Me!

(MUSIC)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNOUNCER:

Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment. But first, here is Vern Schmidt.

VERN SCHMIDT:

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(MUSIC: THEME SONG)

ANNOUNCER:

Well, as Our Miss Brooks headed for the biology lab, Stretch Snodgrass joined his pal Walter Denton in Mr. Conklins office. They were cleaning out the files in the closet when Walter came to an old letter from the Board of Education. When he finished reading it, he grabbed Stretch by the shoulder.

WALTER:

Hey Stretch! Read this letter!

STRETCH:

Well, lets see. Uhhh... you better read it to me, Walter. Im savin my eyes for battin practice.

WALTER:

Its addressed to Mr. Darwell when he was principal here. It says, Dear Sir: It has come to the attention of the Board that you have been flagrantly dictatorial in your dealings with the faculty as well as the student body. As you know, I approve of discipline but your conduct lately has been overboard. Therefore, please be advised that if you do not reverse your tyrannical methods at once, I will be forced to convene the Board to consider your immediate replacement as Principal of Madison High. Sincerely, Edgar T. Stone, Chairman. Do you realize what that means, Stretch?

STRETCH:

Yeah...Mr. Darwell better watch his step!

WALTER:

No, Mr. Darwell hasnt been here for years. And Mr. Conklin could never have seen this letter. It was buried under all kinds of junk. Now, all we gotta do is get some glue and re-seal the envelope. Luckily its just addressed to the Principals Office, Madison High. I can type in Mr. Conklins name above it.

STRETCH:

Why should we do that, Walter?

WALTER:

So that Mr. Conklin thinks that hes gonna get the old heave-ho and start acting like a human being around here! Boy, this will be the rib of all time. Now, get me that typewriter for a minute.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS)

 

(SFX: TYPING SOUNDS - about 15 clicks)

 

WALTER:

Ahh. Hand me that glue on the desk.

STRETCH:

Here, Walter.

WALTER:

Ah... (short pause) There. All set.

STRETCH:

Gee, Walter, you got a mind like Mac lavelli.

MR. CONKLIN:

I dont remember assigning two of you to this detail. Oh, and whats that you were about to place on my desk, Denton?

WALTER:

This?

MR. CONKLIN:

Hm.

WALTER:

Oh, its just a letter, sir. Yeah, Miss Brooks gave it to me. She didnt have time to open your mail yet, sir, but Im sure shell be back in time--

MR. CONKLIN:

(interrupting) Stop babbling and hand me that letter!

WALTER:

Yes, sir.

STRETCH:

Oh, I gotta be runnin along now...

MR. CONKLIN:

Uh, one moment. I may have some chores for you boys. (SFX: TEARING OPEN ENVELOPE) First, Ill see what the Board of Education has to say. (SFX: PAPER RUSTLING) (Reading) Ehh, it has come to the attention of the Board that you have been flagrantly dictatorial in your dealings with mmm mmm mmmmmm (mumbling)... mmm mm mmmmm mm ... And also that ... mm mmmmmm mm (mumbling) . (Groans loudly) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

WALTER:

Bad news, Mr. Conklin?

MR. CONKLIN:

What? ... Oh! (Sounds depressed) Oh well, perhaps you boys had better go now.

STRETCH:

Yes, sir. Come on, Walter. Well see you later, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

(Hesitant) Yes... (Voice cracking) Maybe...

(MUSIC)

 

(SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR)

 

MR. CONKLIN:

Come in.

MISS BROOKS:

I appointed a student teacher to take charge of my study period, Mr. Conklin. Now, I can get right to your mail.

MR. CONKLIN:

Uhh, one moment Miss Brooks. Before you sit down.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes?

MR. CONKLIN:

Let me dust that chair for you.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS)

(SFX: WIPING SOUNDS)

 

MR. CONKLIN:

La, la, La, la, La. (Sounds like first 5 notes from the song School Days.) There, now thats better. Now, are you sure youll be comfortable in this chair? Id be happy to get you a cushion if you want me to.

MISS BROOKS:

Huh?

MR. CONKLIN:

It has always been my warmest desire to take the burdens off my teachers, make them as light as possible. If you have any suggestions which might help me achieve this desire, you have but to mention them and I am your willing slave. Your wish...is my command.

MISS BROOKS:

I cant recall rubbing any lamps around here.

MR. CONKLIN:

Now, you just forget about that nasty old correspondence of mine. I was just teasing when I said youd have to go through all my mail. You...you toddle on out to the grounds and sun yourself for a while. Then when lunchtime comes, meet Mr. Boynton. I know youre fond of him. Have a nice, leisurely luncheon together.

MISS BROOKS:

Yes, sir, Ill be happy to toddle along now. But first theres just one question Id like to ask.

MR. CONKLIN:

What is that?

MISS BROOKS:

I dont know who you are, but what are you doing with Mr. Conklins head on?

(MUSIC)

 

(SFX: BACKGROUND: PEOPLE TALKING)

 

MISS BROOKS:

Heres a nice table by the window, Mr. Boynton.

MR. BOYNTON:

Coming, Miss Brooks. Say, the cafeteria is pretty crowded today. Heres your tray. (SFX: CLATTERING AS TRAY PLACED ON TABLE) I dont have much of an appetite myself. In my second period, Mr. Conklin came into the lab and brought me a bag of donuts and a bottle of milk. He said anyone who worked as diligently as I did needed more nourishment.

MISS BROOKS:

Thats funny. He insisted that I take a walk around the campus and get some sun.

MR. BOYNTON:

I wonder whats gotten into the old - (sputtering), uhh, whats happened to Mr. Conklin?

MISS BROOKS:

Maybe he flipped.

MR. BOYNTON:

Flipped?

MISS BROOKS:

An undergraduate expression. I cant understand this sudden metamorphosis myself.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, he started off the day by roaring into my lab like a wounded bull elephant and asked me why my cages werent ready for the Clean Up Paint Up Fix Up campaign. Why, I tried to explain that I, I couldnt possibly paint them because I didnt have any Dutch Boy.

MISS BROOKS:

Couldnt you have used a brush instead?

MR. BOYNTON:

Dutch Boy is the name of the paint, Miss Brooks. But he wouldnt stand still for any explanations at all. Just barked, Get it done! and stormed out of the office. Then, less than an hour later, he was back feeding me donuts!

MISS BROOKS:

Well, maybe hes just yellowing with age. Uhh, mellowing.

WALTER:

Pardon me, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton, but could Stretch and I sit down at this table with you for a minute?

MISS BROOKS:

I suppose so, Walter.

MR. BOYNTON:

Always glad to have you boys.

STRETCH:

Thanks, Mr. Boynton.

WALTER:

Ive got some news for you, Miss Brooks, that will enhance the enjoyment of your lunch a thousand-fold! (lowers voice) But its a deep dark secret. You and Mr. Boynton have both got to promise you wont breathe a word of this.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, I promise. Whats the secret, Walter?

WALTER:

Do you promise, Miss Brooks?

MR. BOYNTON:

Heres a fork. Take some blood.

STRETCH:

Its about the letter Mr. Conklin got from the Board of Education, saying hed be replaced if he didnt stop acting so, so, so...

WALTER:

Flagrantly dictatorial in his methods.

STRETCH:

Yeah, to both the faculty and students.

MR. BOYNTON:

What??

MISS BROOKS:

No wonder hes been so sweet to us all day.

STRETCH:

But suppose Mr. Conklin finds out the letters a phony?

MR. BOYNTON:

A phony?

MISS BROOKS:

A phony?

WALTER:

Not so loud! Theres nothing phony about the letter. Its perfectly legitimate. Except that it was sent to Mr. Darwell six years ago!

MR. BOYNTON:

Mr. Darwell?

MISS BROOKS:

Mr. Conklins predecessor.

STRETCH:

Yeah, Mr. Conklins ... yeah.

WALTER:

I just typed Mr. Conklins name on the old envelope, glued it up, he came in and read it, and - Voila! A human being instead of a ramrod.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, dont look now but the ex-ramrod is bearing down on us.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, I better be leaving now.

MISS BROOKS:

(interrupting) No you dont. Were in this thing together.

MR. BOYNTON:

Well, Ive gotta go paint cages.

MISS BROOKS:

If you act suspiciously now, well all be painting cages. From the inside.

WALTER:

Yeah, just relax. Treat him like an equal. Theres nothing he can do about it.

MR. CONKLIN:

Ahhhh, what a happy sight it is. Teachers and pupils breaking bread together.

MISS BROOKS:

Would you care to rip a hunk of toast with us?

MR. CONKLIN:

Thank you. I did want to chat with Miss Brooks for a moment, if Im not disturbing anything.

MR. BOYNTON:

Oh, not at all sir. Please sit down.

WALTER:

Plop over here.

STRETCH:

Yeah. Flop.

MR. CONKLIN:

(Hesitantly) Thank you so much, boys. Miss Brooks, as you know, I am a great believer in the power of meekness and humility. Therefore, in front of your friends, I come to you hat in hand to seek a favor.

WALTER:

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor Mr. Conklin.

STRETCH:

How the mighty have fallen!

MISS BROOKS:

Quiet, boys. What is it you want of me, Mr. Conklin?

MR. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, you have much influence with the student body as well as the faculty. I wonder if you could get them to see me in the same light that you do.

MISS BROOKS:

Arent you in enough trouble already? That is, I, I, I...

MR. CONKLIN:

I, I, I know what you mean, Miss Brooks, and youre right. I have acted the martinet at times but its only because of those confounded mottos in my office. On every wall Im confronted with signs: Spare the rod and spoil the child. Respect through power. Law of the jungle. They, they goad one, Miss Brooks. Whip one into a frenzy of ambition until the real me is submerged. Snowed under. Suffocated.

MISS BROOKS:

It couldnt happen to a nicer guy.

MR. BOYNTON:

Why dont you get rid of some of those signs, Mr. Conklin?

MR. CONKLIN:

Well, an excellent idea, Mr. Boynton. Perhaps I could replace them with more humane and genteel parables. Im open to suggestions on that score as well.

WALTER:

How about...I have been a marble-headed monster?

MISS BROOKS:

Walter! Thats very rude.

MR. CONKLIN:

On the contrary, Miss Brooks. It has quite a ring to it. In fact, it might come in handy as a reminder.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, but Mr. Conklin-

MR. CONKLIN:

Please, please, Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

(cheerfully) Well, if you say so, Marble Head.

MR. CONKLIN:

Music to my ears...Ive always been ready to criticize others for their shortcomings. Perhaps if I had a list of my own to refer to each morning it would help me be more tolerant. Do you think you could compile one?

WALTER:

It might take months!

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh, you, Walter Denton. You know, Miss Brooks, I dont believe Ive ever mentioned it before but...I...love this boy!

MISS BROOKS:

Im sure you do, Mr. Conklin. I can tell by the way the veins stand out in your neck when you say it.

MR. CONKLIN:

Well, Im serious about this list of my shortcomings, Miss Brooks. Ill be deeply grateful if you bring a list containing all your complaints to my office as soon as possible. Now, remember, Miss Brooks: Dont try to spare my feelings. Give it to me with both barrels. Youll be helping me in the end.

MISS BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, I cant think of anything Id rather do with both barrels.

(MUSIC)

 

HARRIET:

Well, Ive cleaned up those old files for you, Daddy.

MR. CONKLIN:

Thank you, Harriet, youre a dear sweet girl.

HARRIET:

Do you feel all right, Daddy?

MR. CONKLIN:

As well as could be expected, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Let me clean some of this junk off your desk. (SFX: PAPER SHUFFLING) You dont need this old letter anymore, do you?

MR. CONKLIN:

Old letter, what old letter?

HARRIET:

This one. From the Board of Education. The envelope is postmarked 1944.

MR. CONKLIN:

1944?? Lets see that. (SFX: PAPER SOUNDS) (Short pause) Ahhhh, ha! They must have taken this from Mr. Darwells files and typed my name on the envelope.

HARRIET:

What are you talking about, Daddy?

MR. CONKLIN:

Harriet, your daddy has been the victim of a monumental hoax. But now the shoe is on the other foot. And believe me, this is the foot that knows how to use it! I want to see them alone. Harriet, please leave by the other door.

HARRIET:

Id rather stay and see what its all about, Daddy.

MR. CONKLIN:

I dont care what youd rather... (Bellowing) Im at the helm of this ship! Go!

HARRIET:

(scared) Yes, Daddy.

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS)

 

(SFX: DOOR CLOSING)

 

(SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR)

 

MR. CONKLIN:

(excessively pleasant-sounding) Come in.

(SFX: DOOR OPENING)

 

(SFX: FOOTSTEPS)

 

MISS BROOKS:

We brought the little reminder to your desk, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh! Oh, its you Miss Brooks. Forgive me for not rising. Without my glasses I didnt notice that a lady had entered the room.

WALTER:

Why dont ya watch that, fella?

MR. CONKLIN:

Indeed I will. Now if youll be kind enough to read me your bill of particulars concerning my various infamies-

MR. BOYNTON:

(interrupting) Were all going to read some of it, Mr. Conklin. Will you begin, Miss Brooks?

MISS BROOKS:

Thank you, Mr. Boynton. (Reading) Whereas I, Osgoode Conklin, principal of Madison High School, desiring to improve relations between myself, the faculty, and the student body... Your turn, Walter.

WALTER:

(Clears throat) (Reading) ...do promise to keep the following ever before me as a reminder of past sins of which I am heartily ashamed...

STRETCH:

...and which I aint never gonna repeat no more.

MR. CONKLIN:

(courteously) Splendid, splendid. Please continue.

MISS BROOKS:

Waitll you hear this. (Reading) I readily admit that on many occasions I have acted like a pompous, puffed-up, ill-tempered, addlepated blowhard.

MR. CONKLIN:

Forgive me, but it seems to me youve omitted maladjusted.

MISS BROOKS:

Please dont interrupt. Thats in the next paragraph. Now where was I?

MR. CONKLIN:

Avocated blowhard.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, yes. ...avocated blowhard. And on other occasions I have bellowed like a bull...

MR. BOYNTON:

Screamed like an elephant.

WALTER:

Hissed like a viper.

STRETCH:

Snorted like a buffalo.

MISS BROOKS:

And otherwise exhibited the behavior of a maladjusted nincompoop.

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh, oh, oh. There it is. Now, before you go any further, Id like you all to sign this document for me.

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, we already have, Mr. Conklin.

MR. CONKLIN:

Oh, good, good. Then perhaps youd be kind enough to autograph this other manuscript, sent from the Board of Education in this envelope postmarked 1944, and intended for my unfortunate predecessor, (Voice Rising) who doubtless had to contend with just such perfidious malcontents as you! (Shouting) Who stand quaking before me this very moment!!!

MISS BROOKS:

Go for high ground, boys. The bridge is out!

(MUSIC)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden as Our Miss Brooks returns in just a moment. But first...

MALE VOICE:

(Singing) Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Luster Cream girl.

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, yes tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Luster Cream shampoo. Luster Cream - worlds finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives you Kay Dumas magic blend of secret ingredients plus gentle lanolin. Better than a soap, better than a liquid. Luster Cream is a dainty cream shampoo. Leaves hair three ways lovelier. Fragrantly clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen. Soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Luster Cream lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Luster Cream shampoo. So gentle, Luster Cream is wonderful even for childrens hair. (SFX: SHIP HORN) Tonight, yes tonight, try Luster Cream shampoo.

MALE VOICE:

(Singing) Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Luster Cream girl. You owe your crowning glory to, a Luster Cream shampoo.

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is Our Miss Brooks.

MISS BROOKS:

Having expected a one-way ticket to Devils Island, I thought the punishment Mr. Conklin meted out was comparatively just. However, it was after 7 oclock that evening before I got home.

MRS. DAVIS:

Why, Connie, I was beginning to get worried about you. Where in the world have you been all afternoon?

MISS BROOKS:

I was doing a little writing, Mrs. Davis.

MRS. DAVIS:

Writing? What were you writing?

MISS BROOKS:

Oh, I dont think youd be interested. Its not your type of stuff.

MRS. DAVIS:

Im interested in everything you do, Connie. Please, tell me all about it.

MISS BROOKS:

Well, if you insist, Mrs. Davis. But youd better sit down. This may take quite a while.

MRS. DAVIS:

All right. (SFX: SETTLING INTO SEAT) There. Now, what did you write?

MISS BROOKS:

I wrote: Our principal is the best principal that any school ever had. Our principal is the best principal that any school ever had. Our principal is the best principal that any school ever had. Our principal is (FADES OUT)

(MUSIC: THEME SONG)

 

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNOUNCER:

Next week, tune into another Our Miss Brooks show brought to you by Luster Cream Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler, Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonights cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, and Leonard Smith.

(MUSIC: THEME SONG)

 

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.