The Damon Runyon Theater Madame La Gimp Date: Mar 20 1949FX: MUSIC UP AND UNDER ANNCR: The Damon Runyon Theater . FX: MUSIC ANNCR: Once again, The Damon Runyon Theater brings you another story by the master story teller, Damon Runyon, and this one the famous "Madame La Gimp." And to tell it to you, here is Broadway. BROADWAY: Thanks. One night I am standing at the corner of Fiftieth and Broadway just minding my own business when along comes Dave the Dude in a Taxi. He spots me and the next thing I know I am in the cab with him and headed for someplace. Naturally I could refuse to go with him, but nobody ever refuses Dave anything unless they wish his Sunday punch. So there I am, started on one of the craziest things that ever happens on Broadway, and how it happens I will tell you in a minute. FX: MUSIC BRIDGE (SPANISH FLAVOR) FX: THEME MUSIC UP AND UNDER ANNCR: And now back to the Damon Runyan Theater and the famous story, Madame La Gimp. FX: MUSIC (SPANISH) BROADWAY: As I say, Dave the Dude gets me in the cab with him. We drive clear to the East side to a row of knocked out tenements. Now it is very puzzling to me why Dave is taking me here, but he says nothing until we get out and walk up 19 hundred flights of stairs. While we are climbing up and up, Dave says FX: FOOTSTEPS UNDER DAVE: It's on the top floor. BROADWAY: What is, and why? We should hit snow pretty soon. DAVE: You know Madame La Gimp? BROADWAY: Sure. The old doll that hangs around the theaters selling two day old newspapers and tired flowers from the undertakers parlor? So what? DAVE: We're gonna see her. BROADWAY: Oh I see, that explains everything. DAVE: Here we are, this is it. FX: KNOCKING BROADWAY: If she is not at home after we climbed this mountain DAVE: She's home, alright. I brought her back from the hospital. BROADWAY: Hospital? DAVE: Yeah, she tries to knock herself off, last night. FX: KNOCKING DAVE: And I wish to see why. BROADWAY: Maybe she tries it again. There is no answer to your knock. DAVE: Come on FX: DOOR OPEN DAVE: Madame FX: DOOR CLOSE DAVE: Hey, Madame La Gimp. BROADWAY: Where is the light? DAVE: Uh there's a gas jet right there. Light it. BROADWAY: Yes, this is real old fashioned. FX: MATCH STRIKE, HISSING OF GAS. BROADWAY: Look, Dave, there she is. DAVE: Madame. Hey, Madame La Gimp. BROADWAY: She is sleeping with her eyes open. DAVE: Maybe she.... Hey, Madame FX: SLAPPING MADAME: Huh? DAVE: Madame, Look, its Dave. Dave and Broadway. MADAME: Oh... Dave, Broadway? DAVE: Ahhh.... You scared us for a minute. BROADWAY: What is the idea? MADAME: Please...please go away. Let me alone. DAVE: We're gonna help ya. Broadway and me, you get that. We're here to help ya. MADAME: Nobody can help me. Nobody. Now will you please go away. Go away. BROADWAY: That is no way to speak to anybody that comes all this way, Madame. Take it easy. MADAME: I ... I'm sorry. You're very nice people. (crying) They should have let me die. They should have let me die. (sobbing) BROADWAY: Dave? DAVE: Yeah. BROADWAY: I think it is better if we just sit down and let her get this cry over with. Until she does, we are going to get nothing out of her. DAVE: Yeah. I guess you're right. O.K. We wait. FX: MUSIC UNDER (SPANISH) BROADWAY: So we sit there for a half an hour while Madame La Gimp pours out the moisture. Then she clears up. We ask a couple of questions and what she tells us is this. MADAME: Dave, hand me that big envelope. DAVE: This one? MADAME: Yeah. FX: PAPER RUSTING MADAME: Look at this photograph. BROADWAY: (Whistle) This is a real classy looking young doll. MADAME: (chuckle) Doesn't look much like her mother, does she? BROADWAY: How do we know. We never see her mother. MADAME: You're lookin' at her right now. BROADWAY: You? MADAME: Me. DAVE: What are you givin' us. MADAME: I don't blame you for not believin' it. That's my daughter. Eulallie. DAVE: Eulallie, huh? O.K. Maybe ya'd better do some more talkin'. MADAME: She was raised in Spain where I came from. I haven't seen her since she a little baby. BROADWAY: Why not? MADAME: Why not? I wanted her to be a lady. I took all the money I had in the world and sent her to Spain. That was 15 years ago. DAVE: You with money? MADAME: Here, look at these. They're a little faded but you'll get the idea. BROADWAY: But these photographs look like you. MADAME: They are. I was a dancer then. The toast of Broadway. You can't say anything can you? I don't blame you. Its a pretty long way from those to this... DAVE: What happens to you? MADAME: You can see the whole thing for 15 cents in any old night flop movie. Make a million, spend a million. The only trouble is, the years don't wait for you to keep counting on tomorrow. Always tomorrow. DAVE: Yeah, I see. But last night you tried to knock yourself off. BROADWAY: Yeah, why, Madame. You hold out for all these years, then suddenly you try to put your light out. MADAME: Eulallie is coming here. BROADWAY: So? After 15 years you see her. Why try to... MADAME: After 15 years she see me... Me...take a good look Broadway.... Dave... What do you see? Uh, huh, that's what I thought. And she's gonna be married. Married to the son of one of the oldest families in Spain. BROADWAY: Swell. Then we have a happy ending. MADAME: Yeah, sure. Only they're all coming over here to see me. They're on their way now. And when they see me, what are they gonna say, huh? What are they gonna say? Think they'll let their son marry a girl whose mother is Madame La Gimp? FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: There is more talk and it turns out that Eulallie thinks her mother is a society doll, married to a guy with plenty of potatoes. It seems than when Madame La Gimp writes to Eulallie, she uses stationery of a real fancy apartment building called the Marberry. This is because she swipes the stationery when she does odd jobs there, like cleaning up and things. Well, we get her promise that she will try no more funny business, then we get outside, and Dave says... DAVE: Broadway, what are we gonna do? BROADWAY: Do? What is there to do? Seems to me that she has got herself into a jam. DAVE: Let's get her out of it. BROADWAY: Short of waitin' for the boat to come in and knocking off the people she does not want to see her, how do we get her out of the jam? DAVE: She says her daughter believes she is a society doll who lives at the Marberry. BROADWAY: So? DAVE: Also, she tells Eulallie, she has got a wealthy husband. BROADWAY: She exaggerates more than somewhat. DAVE: Hum...Ah, ha! BROADWAY: You solved the whole problem. Good Night Dave. DAVE: Now wait a minute, I'm gettin' an idea. BROADWAY: You are? What? DAVE: Do you know Judge Henry G. Blake? BROADWAY: I do. Furthermore, he is no Judge and never is. DAVE: He looks like one, in fact, he looks like a wealthy husband should look, doesn't he? BROADWAY: Well sure, he wears a wing collar and stuff. So What? DAVE: He is gonna be Madam's husband. BROADWAY: Ho, ho, ho, ho. The Judge will break away from the startin' gate if you tell him that. DAVE: Tell him anyway. I have him on my books for a grand. I will cancel the bet. BROADWAY: What! But... but the rest of the story, the Marberry? DAVE: I have connections. Now look, you locate Judge Henry G. Blake and tell him I want to see him. BROADWAY: Where will I find him? DAVE: The chances are 10 to 1 you will find him at Durl's Billiard Parlor puttin' the trim to a sucker. FX: MUSIC FX: POOL SHOT JUDGE: Ah. Good shot my man. Good shot. BROADWAY: Hello Judge. JUDGE: Oh. Good evening, Broadway. Nine ball, corner pocket. FX: (BACK GROUND VOICES) BROADWAY: Judge, I have got to talk to you. JUDGE: Not now, I'm busy. Beat it. BROADWAY: Dave the Dude sends me. JUDGE: I cannot.... VOICE: Rack 'em up here. JUDGE: Dave? I am temporarily out of funds. Tell him.... BROADWAY: He will cancel the grand you owe him. JUDGE: Cancel? He'll cancel it? Uhm, I have this sucker lined up for a killing, but....since it's for Dave. I'll be back in a minute my good man. FX: VOICE IN BACKGROUND JUDGE: Now, what's this all about, Broadway? BROADWAY: I think you'd better sit down, first, Judge. JUDGE: Why? Is, uh, something wrong? BROADWAY: Not yet. JUDGE: So my dear Broadway, will you please come to the point. BROADWAY: Sure. You know Madame La Gimp. JUDGE: Ugh. That old...uh...er... BROADWAY: How would you like to be married to her? JUDGE: Married to... but...You're insane! BROADWAY: Dave the Dude wishes it. JUDGE: This is extortion. I'll see a lawyer. BROADWAY: I do not think you will get that far. JUDGE: No, no, no, no. Anything but that. Tell Dave I'll get him the money. I'll go to work. BROADWAY: At what? JUDGE: I don't love the woman....In fact my feelings are just the opposite. BROADWAY: Look Judge, all you have to do is to be her husband for a couple of days. Just make believe. JUDGE: Even the thought of that appalls me. Broadway, look at me. I'm an educated man. I'm sensitive, cultured, my feelings must be considered. BROADWAY: I think Dave the Dude will consider them, Judge, and maybe you will not like it. JUDGE: But I... I....The point is well taken. All right Broadway. Please explain, but gently. I'm a very nervous man. FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: The little talk ends up with the Judge agreeing to the proposition. What else is there for him to do? Then we go back to see Dave the Dude. He's at his place with Madame La Gimp when the Judge and I walk in, and the scene is as follows. DAVE: Broadway tells you what the pitch is, Judge? JUDGE: Ah, yes, I'm thoroughly acquainted with the situation. DAVE: Good. You know Madame La Gimp. JUDGE: Yes. How do you do, Madame. MADAME: Dave, I want to go home. I want to get out of here. DAVD: Why? MADAME: Why do you think? It'll never work, not in a million years. JUDGE: I think she has a point, there, Dave. It's been nice seeing you Madame. DAVE: Sit down. JUDGE: All right, Dave. DAVE: Now you listen to me. That boat gets in day after tomorrow. You got that long to get used to the idea. JUDGE: Such short notice. MADAME: He's right, Dave. Look at me. Take a good look at me. What chance have I got? DAVE: The one we'll give you. MADAME: It's no good I tell you. DAVE: You want Eulallie to marry this citizen you tell us about. MADAME: I want her to be happy. DAVE: O. K. But if she gets here with her ever-lovin' in laws to be and they lamp you, what happens. MADAME: (SOBBING) Don't Dave, please, don't. BROADWAY: Ah, take it easy, Dave. Huh. DAVE: Well I didn't mean to hit you over the head, Madame. JUDGE: May I have a drink? DAVE: No! JUDGE: But if I'm going to..be her husband..I... DAVE: Not a drop until this is over with and that's that. JUDGE: Ohhhh.....When I was a small boy I wanted to be a sailor. I certainly miss the ocean now. FX: DOOR OPEN BILLIE: Well, well. Hello. DAVE: Billie, come on in, baby. FX: DOOR CLOSE DAVE: Judge, you know my wife. JUDGE: How do you do. BILLIE: What's eatin' him? DAVE: Nothin' yet. Billie, this here is Madame La Gimp. I told you about her. BILLIE: Uh huh. Wow. DAVE: Billie, Broadway, come in the next room with me. Judge, you talk to Madame La Gimp. JUDGE: What about? DAVE: Your honeymoon, ya dope! Come on Billie, Broadway. FX: DOOR SHUT BILLIE: Dave when you told me about her I didn't expect what I saw. BROADWAY: She is no rose geranium. DAVE: That is beside the point. Billie, are you able to do anything with her? BILLIE: Sure, but I'll get arrested. DAVE: Don't be funny. BILLIE: Funny? You're the hysterical one. DAVE: Get her fixed up. BILLIE: How? DAVE: Beauty parlors? BILLIE: There ain't enough of them in town. DAVE: Try it. BILLIE: She takes 15 years getting like that and you give me two days to make her over. DAVE: Look, Billie, she's a poor old doll with nothin' in the world but that kid of hers. BILLIE: What do you care? What's your stake? DAVE: Me? BILLIE: Yeah. You. DAVE: (chuckle) That's funny. Never thought about it. Guess I ain't got any stake. BROADWAY: Not that anybody can see. DAVE: Huh? BROADWAY: You are a nice guy, Dave. DAVE: You let that get out on the stem and I'll cook you. BROADWAY: (chuckle) Sure. BILLIE: O. K. Dave, for you. But brother, I don't promise any Cinderella from that cinder. FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: With that we break up. Billie takes over Madame La Gimp. I take over Judge Blake, with orders to keep him in line. Personally I think the whole thing is going to be a bust. There are just two days to get ready and from what I see of Madame La Gimp, we need two years. Nevertheless we go through with it and what happens when we do is somethin' for the books. And which I will tell you in a minute. FX: MUSIC UP FX: THEME MUSIC UNDER ANNCR ANNCR: And now back to the Damon Runyon Theater, and the famous story, Madame La Gimp. FX: MUSIC UNDER BROADWAY: Well, it is finally the morning when the boat is due to arrive. I do not see Madame La Gimp because I am too busy steering the Judge along the right trail. Then we get a call to go to the Marberry Apartments. The Judge reaches for some courage and I slap his hand and we are off. And at the Marberry, Dave lets us in an apartment. FX: DOOR CLOSES DAVE: Well, how do you like it? BROADWAY: Ooh, boy, this is a classy joint. JUDGE: Ah, where is my ...er... wife. DAVE: Be here in a minute, Judge. Billie's bringin' her. BROADWAY: Dave, on whom do you put the chill for this place. DAVE: A guy who lives here lends it to me. He is away for the summer. FX: DOOR KNOCK DAVE: Who is it? BILLIE: This the right place, Dave? Is that you. DAVE: Sure, come on in. BILLIE: O. K. Get ready. FX: DOOR OPEN DAVE: Billie, what's the idea stallin' like that... Ah... BROADWAY: Hey, hey, look at that... BILLIE: Well, close your mouths. You all look like something from the aquarium. BROADWAY: Billie, Billie...what do you do to her? BILLIE: I spend so much time in beauty parlors I feel like a curler. Well don't stand there, say something. JUDGE: This.. This is impossible. Broadway, I didn't have a drink, did I? BROADWAY: Not a drop. MADAME: Hello Judge, Broadway. Won't you sit down. JUDGE: At this point it is not so much a choice as a necessity. Thank you. DAVE: Billie, you are a genious. BILLIE: Uh uh. What you're looking at was there all the time. Just covered up. JUDGE: Madame. May I offer you a chair? MADAME: Thank you, Judge. JUDGE: Uh, Henry. The name is Henry. DAVE: Look, we got a half an hour to get down to the pier. BILLIE: Yeah, we gotta get moving. MADAME: I... I can't go. No, I can't go. DAVE: What? BILLIE: Madame, you gotta go. MADAME: I'm scared. Broadway, Dave, I'm scared. I know something will happen to ruin everything. Please before its too late, let's stop this. BILLIE: Honey... believe me, you got nothin' to be scared of now. MADAME: How will I act? What'll I say and do? JUDGE: Madame. If you will permit me to offer my arm, we shall face this thing together. Shall we go? FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: I personally do not go to the pier, but they tell me later that the meetin' between Madame La Gimp and her baby is very effective indeed, and the Judge does himself proud. Although there is talk that he takes advantage of numerous small excuses to kiss Eulallie, who is a very good lookin' young doll. The thing goes off real good because Eulallie's future in-laws speak no English and only Madame La Gimp speaks Spanish. Everybody gets back to the Marberry with everything nice and rosey. It begins to look like a cinch, but Dave does not leave it at that. He says he is gonna throw a big reception with a lot of celebrities to show the in-laws to be what a big shot Madame La Gimp is. Where he is going to get these celebrities, I do not know, and I do not like the idea. But Dave tells me to show up at nine and I am Johnny at the Rat Hole on the dot. FX: VOICES BROADWAY: I hear the party goin' on, and after I knock on the door, it is opened by Dave. FX: DOOR OPEN DAVE: Ah ha. I was a little worried you wouldn't show, your honor. BROADWAY: My honor? I bring somebody with me? DAVE: Shut up. (loudly) Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present his honor, the Mayor of New York. FX: APPLAUSE, CHEERS (VOICES IN BACKGROUD) BROADWAY: Dave, do you go off your rocker? DAVE: Look, we're gonna have celebrities. BROADWAY: I am not the mayor, I never run for mayor. I do not think I am the people's choice. DAVE: But tonight you are. We gotta convince those in-laws that Madame La Gimp is a gold-plated mother-in-law for their son. BROADWAY: Dave, this is dangerous. What if they find out different? DAVE: You worry too much. I will introduce you to the in-laws later. Mean time, go over talk to Harry the Horn. BROADWAY: Sure, sure. I will sit real close to a window. Hello, Harry. Hey, Harry. HARRY: Huh. Oh, who are you? BROADWAY: Me? Who do you think I am? Remember me? HARRY: Who are you tonight? BROADWAY: Oh. Da Mayor. HARRY: Hah... I am one up on you. I am the governor. Dave makes me enter politics real sudden. BROADWAY: Oh, no. You are the governor? DAVE: (LOUDLY) Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vice President of the United States. FX: APPLAUSE BROADWAY: Vice President... that is Little Mitchie. HARRY: And look comes in after him. DAVE: And the police commissioner of the City of New York. FX: APPLAUSE BROADWAY: Police Commissioner? Harry that is none other than Wild William Wilkins who is now wanted in 48 states, and if we had 49 that would be included. HARRY: Eh... Broadway. BROADWAY: What? HARRY: I wonder if I stay in line, could I really get to be the Governor? FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: Well, in two hours the apartment has more celebrities than any place in the world. And I admit that things go pretty good. There are a couple of disturbances, like when somebody spots the police commissioner rolling a pair of phony dice in a friendly crap game, and two 45s fall out of the Vice President's waist band. Then, it is coming on about one in the morning and the party is almost over. I am sitting by Madame La Gimp and the Judge and the scene is as follows. JUDGE: Yes, I do think it was fun MADAME: It's been so wonderful. You've all been so wonderful JUDGE: Oh, tut, tut my dear. Its been a great pleasure. HARRY: Sure, we are glad to do it for you, Madame. BROADWAY: Sure, and it looks like everything is fine with your baby and the young guy. MADAME: She'll go back to Spain with him, believing I'm what you've all made me for two days. JUDGE: My dear, we made nothing of you that wasn't already there. I kiss your hand. HENRY: Hey, he is. MADAME: Please Henry, don't. JUDGE: But you're very lovely. Very lovely. BROADWAY: You know, she is at that. MADAME: I want to tell you something. If I can, I'm going to be different. Do you think I can? JUDGE: I'm sure of it. As for myself, well I've wasted a good many years, too. You know I wonder if we... HENRY: Hey, why is everybody so quiet all of a sudden. BROADWAY: Look..Comin' in the door. HENRY: Harrigan. Lt. Harrigan and a squad of gendarms. MADAME: Oh no, no. JUDGE: It can't happen now. It just can't. BROADWAY: It is. HARRIGAN: Well, well, well. I've never seen anything like this outside of visiting day at Sing Sing. DAVE: Harrigan. How did you get in here? HARRIGAN: My badge. It gets me in places. Mitzie, stand still. You too, Wilkins. DAVE: Harrigan, lay off will ya. Lay off for the night. HARRIGAN: Yeah, sure. Huh, I thought I was gettin' a phony tip about you citizens, but it looks like it was on the level. HENRY: Harrigan you do not understand. HARRIGAN: You're right, I don't. But that does not bother me in the least. JUDGE: My dear Lieutenant. HARRIGAN: All in the big time, aren't you Judge. Pool tables are more in your line. JUDGE: Harrigan, shut up. BROADWAY: Take it easy Judge. Let go of me, Broadway. HARRIGAN: Judge, beat it. JUDGE: No. I won't leave. HARRIGAN: O. K. Stay. Now somebody explain what's going on. I said, explain. What's the pitch? What banks are gonna get knocked over tomorrow? From the looks of this crowd I'd say the United States Mint was in for a bad time. Now start talkin'. Start talkin' or I'll jug every one of you. Most of you would have a tough time beatin' any rap. O. K. Let's all go for a ride. MADAME: No. Wait Lieutenant BROADWAY: Madame, Sit down. DAVE: Madame, get back. It's O. K. Don't say a word. MADAME: I want to. HARRIGAN: Who are you? MADAME: You know me. Take a better look. HARRIGAN: Madame...No this is silly. MADAME: Yes, Madame La Gimp. BROADWAY: Madame, think of what you are doing. MADAME: I am. Maybe I knew all along that this wouldn't work. Maybe I knew something had to happen. HARRIGAN: Will you tell me what this is all about. MADAME: Yes. This is a party for me and my daughter and her fiance. HARRIGAN: Your what and her who? MADAME: My daughter. Yes, I have a daughter, Lieutenant. That's her, looking at me now. Looking at me. She speaks very little English, Lieutenant, but she'll understand enough of this to know what I really am and those other people. They're the mother and father of the boy she was going to marry. DAVE: Cut it out before it's too late, Madame. MADAME: It is too late, Dave. Lieutenant, all these people here tonight came because of me. (under broadway)...not because they were breaking the law, or.....they were willing to risk themselves to make it look.. big phoney deal BROADWAY: And Madame La Gimp tells the whole thing. Eulallie is looking at her and I know by her face that she gets quite a bit of what goes on. And the young guy does too. But his mother and father do not know one word. They just sit and look more than somewhat puzzled. Then, Madame La Gimp finishes. MADAME: Now Lieutenant, you've got the whole story. HARRIGAN: Is this on the level? BROADWAY: Take my word for it Harrigan. HARRIGAN: Yours is the only one I would take, Broadway. DAVE: What happens how, Harrigan? HARRIGAN: Well, Dave, I ..... I get all the good assignments. One more like this and I'll turn in my shield. JUDGE: Lieutenant. What does that mean? HARRIGAN: Well.... well to make this look good. You'd better introduce me to the folks. DAVE: Sure, sure. As what. HARRIGAN: You've got just about all the big names taken. Eh...make me any celebrity. DAVE: Sure. Come on over. Senor, Senora... I have the honor to present a great celebrity...Lieutenant Harrigan, New York Police Force. FX: MUSIC BROADWAY: And that is that. The party is over, but not the story. And what the payoff is I will tell you in a minute FX: MUSIC BRIDGE BROADWAY: Like I say, the party is over. Then the next day, Harry the Horse, Little Mitzie, Angie the Ox and several others and me are sitting in Mindie's when in walks Dave the Dude and sits down. He says as follows: DAVE: Well, it is all over, boys. HARRY: What happens, Dave? DAVE: They are married. They eloped. The young guy is nuts about Eulallie and does not care who her mother is. His mother and father know from nothing. BROADWAY: Well, well. That is real nice. DAVE: Also, the Judge and Madame La Gimp are married. BROADWAY: Well, that is much better than real nice. So everything is settled. DAVE: Not quite. Not quite settled. BROADWAY: Huh? What do you mean, Dave? DAVE: I have here a list of some things. HARRY: A list? BROADWAY: Of what? DAVE: If every single article listed here is not kicked back to the owners of the different joints in the Marberry they were taken from by next Tuesday night, I will bust a lot of noses around this town. Everything must be returned, especially the baby grand piano that is removed from Apartment 9D. FX: MUSIC ENDING ANNCR: And so ends the famous Damon Runyon Story, Madame La Gimp. Listen in again next week for FX: THEME MUSIC AND THEN UNDER ANNCR: The Damon Runyon Theater. FX: MUSIC UP AND THEN UNDER ANNCR: The Damon Runyon Theater with John Brown as Broadway is directed by Richard Sandville and the stories adapted for Radio by Russell Hughes. Vern Carstonson is in charge of production. This a Mayfair Production. FX: END MUSIC