Rocky Fortune Too Many Husbands Date: Feb 16 1954ANNOUNCER: Frank Sinatra transcribed as Rocky Fortune. (MFX) ANNOUNCER: NBC presents Frank Sinatra starring as that footloose and fancy-free young gentleman Rocky Fortune! ROCKY: (NARRATION) Hi. You know, there's an old saying, "never look a gift horse in the mouth". With tongue in cheek I now write me a new saying; "never look a gift blonde in the eyes". She was blonde 'cause her hair told me so. That was the only proof I had. She didn't walk, she insinuated. She was from New Orleans and her name was Lou and believe me, brother, Lou was no lady. When I saw her I said to myself, "I dig this babe". She almost dug me too ? right into a grave. LOU: Now don't tell me an interesting lookin' man like you spends much time in an unemployment compensation line. ROCKY: So I won't tell ya. You call the shots, baby; I'm awful easy to get along with. LOU: Y'know I nearly believe that? I hate to see a capable lookin' man like you stand in a place like this. ROCKY: I know what you mean, honey. The name's Rocky Fortune. It's not only a name it's a description. As fortunes go, I got the rockiest. Last week was pretty bad in the money-book so this week finds me in line. LOU (giggles) I bet you're not too easy to keep in line. ROCKY: Mm. You keep up with that Southern syrup and I'm liable to wind up makin' like a pancake. LOU: Buy you a cup o' coffee? ROCKY: Make mine straight; you got all the sugar I need. (MFX) ROCKY: (NARRATION) Warmed by the steaming brew, and blonde, I thought I'd better start moving in some direction so I took the direct route. ROCKY: You must have something else on your mind besides what I hope. Why don't you spill, honey? LOU: I love a direct man. Why don't you tell me something about yourself? ROCKY: Well, I'm not exactly ready to publish the story of my life - not until I know what rights I can hang onto. Tell my fortune first. LOU: Myself? I think you're about to come into some real money. ROCKY: I like you, gypsy. Keep reading those coffee grounds. LOU: I notice you never mind stickin' your neck out just a little bit if there's money involved. ROCKY: That could be the story of my life, yes. LOU: And you also have an unfortunate habit of getting' yourself involved - and sometimes you get hurt. ROCKY: Keep readin' me. LOU: Well, um, I got me a little plan where you get just a little bit involved - where you can't possibly get hurt and where you make yourself some five thousand dollars. ROCKY: Honey, my ears ain't waggin' because of the money, I'm just fanning my face to keep a cool expression. Give. LOU: All you have to do is one teeny-weeny little thing for little ol' me. ROCKY: Well, I'll make book I won't like it, but tell me anyway. LOU: But, honey, you will like the five thousand! It's such nice money! ROCKY: And just what does little ol' me have to do for little ol' you to make that little ol' five grand? LOU: Kill my little ol' husband. ROCKY: (NARRATION) She poured on her message of murder. LOU: So you see, honey lamb, it really is most embarrassing for me to be in this predicament, but there's one thing I got too much of -! ROCKY: Yeah, it's tough to believe. From where I sit, the distribution's great. LOU: (giggles) Ahhh, I just love hearin' you say things like that! I just love it! ROCKY: Ahhh, let's get back to the excess. You said you've got too much of something. LOU: Oh - OH! Yeah! It's just too bad but it can't be helped - I just have too many husbands! ROCKY: Too many what? LOU: Isn't it silly? ROCKY: It's perfectly ridiculous! I thought I just heard you say you got too many husbands! I must've misread my ears. LOU: No, you heard me right, honey. ROCKY: But that's illegal. LOU: I know! That's what's so silly! It's all the law's fault. ROCKY: Mm, I'll make book on it. What's the story? LOU: Well, they weren't ever supposed to let Marvin out of prison and now that they have- ROCKY: Ah, so it's an ex-con you want me to bump. LOU: Oh no! Marvin hasn't any dirty ol' money. It's Perry I gotta get rid of! ROCKY: Who is Perry? LOU: My husband. ROCKY: Who is Marvin? LOU and ROCKY: (mimicking her) My husband. ROCKY: You lost me someplace, honey. Let me tell it to myself, as I now understand you - which I probably don't: you have two husbands, Marvin and Perry, both alive and both kicking. LOU: Well, Marvin's kickin' because of Perry but Perry ain't kickin' because he don't know about Marvin. ROCKY: Lady, right now I don't know about you. You don't seem right to me, you just don't seem right. (MFX) SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT ROCKY: (NARRATION) It was gettin' on towards evening when I made like a homing pigeon. The wheels in my head were whirlin'. My first thought was to invest in a call to Gestapo headquarters to ask my pal Sgt. Finger to run a make on the blonde. I tossed out that bright idea. If that dizzy dame was pullin' my socks, Finger would never get off my back about it. I had a short session with the idea of goin' to the husband and informin' him of the facts of life. Southern fried had given me a real fancy engraved card with his address so I knew where to find him. But that notion hit the trash too. If she is kiddin', I'm a real patsy. SFX: DOOR BEING UNLOCKED/OPENED ROCKY: (NARRATION) By the time I'd reached my pad and opened the door, I'd decided to forget my dizzy blonde dreamboat and find myself another playmate for the evening. I reached for the light switch when something hit me - SFX: BLACKJACK TO HEAD/BODY FALLING DOWN ROCKY: (NARRATION) That something that'd hit me was more than an idea, it was more blackjack style. Before I knew what had happened, I was sailing away to Dreamboat Bay, happy with my life as an ice cream soda. The awakening came like a whoosh of cold water on the puss. Which it was. SFX: SPLASH OF WATER ROCKY: (sputtering) Somebody toss me a lifesaver - I'm drownin'. MARVIN: I'm awful sorry I have to do this to you, Mr. Fortune, but it really was necessary. ROCKY: Aw stop bleedin' about it, I might get upset. Who are you? MARVIN: I'll tell you who I am after I tell you how important it is that you stay away from my Honey Pear. ROCKY: Your what? MARVIN: My Honey Pear. You shouldn't oughtta be messin' around with Lulu Ann. ROCKY: Lulu Ann-? Ohh, the lights are on, I'm singin'. Could you be Marvin? MARVIN: I sure am, Mr. Fortune. ROCKY: What's the story? Who belted me on the head? MARVIN: I did, but I'm awful sorry. ROCKY: Don't drown in your tears. Now look, if you wanna wrestle, buster, just give me a chance to move in. MARVIN: Careful now, Mr. Fortune. This here gun is sure enough loaded with real bullets. It would hurt me to have to kill you. ROCKY: I get the message. I wouldn't feel so good about that myself. So let's talk - why massage my skull with a load of leather? MARVIN: Well, I just had to convince you that you should stay away from my Honey Pear. I just know she's real gone for you. ROCKY: Get ready to receive news, buster, because I'm sending right now: I ain't interested in your Honey Pear. I think she's got a screw loose. MARVIN: That don't make no difference; she's interested in you. ROCKY: Sure she's interested in me, she wants me to do a job for her. MARVIN: What kind of job? ROCKY: She wants me to bump husband number two. She offered me five grand to bump Perry. MARVIN: Five grand to bump Perry? I see it all now! Isn't that downright sweet of her! ROCKY: If you see anything, turn on some lights for me. It's awful dark where I'm sittin'. MARVIN: Why, don't you see? She knows I'd be perfectly willin' to bump Perry if she asked me to, she just don't want me to get into trouble! Y'know, that really touches me. ROCKY: In the head, pal. I think you're both touched. Now listen close to some words I'm gonna read: I want no part of your Honey Pear or her five grand, I want no part of you. And if I ever catch you without a loaded heater in your mitts I'm gonna play Scrabble with your head. Now scram! MARVIN: Now, it hurts me to have to be unfriendly, it hurts me real bad, but I still got somethin' to say to you, Mr. Fortune. Stay away from my Honey Pear - no matter how close she wants to get. And don't you worry about taking care of Mr. Perry; I'll see he gets taken care of nice an' proper. Right now. (MFX) ROCKY: (NARRATION) First thought was to tip off Sgt. Finger and give him the rundown on the screw-loose con and the too-much married blonde. Second thought was that by the time I convinced him this comedy of murder was for real, little ol' Marvin would've drilled a little ol' hole right through little ol' Perry's head. Thinkin' back on the running order, the only thing that convinced me the whole bit was for real was the lump on my skull. Everything else coulda been a gag but this wasn't. Next item should be to make a fast trip to the apartment of Mr. and Mrs. Perry Shane. I made the item. ROCKY: (NARRATION) Even the buzzer I pushed in this swank layout looked solid gold. SFX: DOOR BUZZER/DOOR OPEN PERRY: Yes? ROCKY: Mr. Perry Shane? PERRY: That's right. ROCKY: I gotta talk to you, Mr. Shane, and we'd better talk fast. PERRY: I don't understand. ROCKY: You will, just get in out of the doorway and close the door. SFX: DOOR CLOSE PERRY: Now - now wait a minute! I don't like being pushed around in my own home! Who are you? ROCKY: Rocky Fortune's the name. Sorry for the shove but it had to be. Look, I'll give it to ya straight: somebody's tryin' to kill you. PERRY: Someone wants to kill me? ROCKY: That's right. An ex-con by the name of Marvin's lookin' for you right now. PERRY: Why does he want to kill me? Did I ever send him up? ROCKY: That I don't know. I didn't even know you were a mouthpiece. Incidentally, is your wife home? PERRY: No, she hasn't been home all day. Do you know my wife? ROCKY: If that's her picture sittin' there on the mantel I know your wife. Your wife, incidentally, is the reason Marvin wants to kill ya. PERRY: Before I ask you to leave would you mind elaborating on this fantastic story of yours? ROCKY: Well I guess I'm givin' it ya pretty fast at that. The picture ain't very pretty, though, so I don't feel bad. Believe me, mister, your Southern belle is ringin' out nothin' but bad news for ya. She wants you dead. PERRY: I don't know what this is all about but right now I'm not interested. I don't know who you are or what your plan is, but will you please leave before I call the police? ROCKY: Look, mister, believe me I know she wants you dead because she offered me five thousand to kill ya! PERRY: Get out! Get out now! ROCKY: I'd hate to have to belt ya, so if I do it's for your own protection. You'd better keep your hands down, Mr. Shane. PERRY: No one makes accusations like that against my wife-! SFX: SCUFFLE SOUNDS ROCKY: Now take it easy, Mr. Shane, real easy now! You're gonna push me too far! PERRY: Get out of my house! ROCKY: Now sit down in that chair and behave yourself! SFX: BODY FALLING INTO CHAIR ROCKY: I'm getting' a little tired bein' shoved around. I'm the patsy in the deal and I asked for nothin'. Now listen to what I have to say. First of all, how long you been married? PERRY: That's none of your business. ROCKY: So it's none of my business - this bump on my noggin was none of my business either before I got it. Your wife's husband is the character who gave it to me. PERRY: My wife's husband? Are you insane? ROCKY: I don't blame you for askin', pal, I doubted it myself for a couple of minutes. Whether you believe it or not, you wife has another husband. An ex-con by the name of Marvin. PERRY: You mean her "ex-husband". I know she's been married before. ROCKY: I mean her present husband. He was supposed to be a lifer so she never bothered to get a divorce, but the law crossed her by lettin' him out. PERRY: Now wait a minute, if all this is true - and, frankly, I believe none of it - what is your interest? ROCKY (sighs) Your wife put the make on me for a couple of weeks. She decided I was the kind of guy she wanted for a particular job. She offered me five grand to knock you off. PERRY: Hmph, sounds like a handsome offer. What's stopping you? ROCKY: Couple of things. First, the law. It's real illegal, you know. Second, you'd be real dead if I did. PERRY: And those two items are stopping you from earning a five thousand dollar fee? ROCKY: What do you think? PERRY: You seem like a particularly bright but, um, rough young man. If you're passing up that offer, it's only because you want more from me. ROCKY: That flatters me not, pal, but we'll overlook it. At least it shows you're thinking maybe Dreamboat did make the offer. PERRY: I see. Would you suggest I call the police and tell them a complete stranger has informed me I'm about to be killed and please send me a police escort? ROCKY: I'm givin' you credit so please extend the same in my direction. PERRY: Well, what would you suggest? ROCKY: I'll make one call to the Irish clubhouse. PERRY: The what? ROCKY: Sorry, pal, lost my head. Irish clubhouse happens to be the local police headquarters. Sgt. Hamilton J. Finger's my boy there. I'll call him, get him to give you a rundown on me, and then we'll both go on over to headquarters. PERRY: Well, there's the phone. SFX: PHONE BEING DIALED/ PHONE RINGING/PHONE BEING PICKED UP ROCKY: Let's hope for your sake that Finger is at hand. POLICE OPERATOR (ON PHONE) 25th Precinct. ROCKY: Sgt. Finger. SFX: PHONE RINGING/PHONE BEING PICKED UP ROCKY (hums "From Here To Eternity") SGT. FINGER (ON PHONE) Don't tell me, let me guess: Frank Sinatra? ROCKY: Oh you are a funny man. Finger, I'm gonna put an attorney on by the name of Mr. Shane. I happen to know he's got an ex-con gunnin' for him. Will ya tell him I don't make jokes about things like this? SGT. FINGER: (ON PHONE) Wait a minute, don't put anybody else on. Who's gunning for who? ROCKY: Sorry, pal, but I got a deadline. I gotta get this guy over to the protection of your slackhouse before his own line goes dead - from a bullet. So talk to the man- PERRY: -This is Perry Shane speaking. SGT. FINGER: (ON PHONE) I don't know what this is all about yet, Mr. Shane, but if Rocky says your life is in danger we'd better get over there right away. PERRY: Now just a minute, Sergeant, since I actually don't know this man and I don't know you, perhaps we'd both better come over to the precinct. SGT. FINGER: (ON PHONE) It's your life, Mr. Shane. PERRY: We'll be right over. (MFX) ROCKY: (NARRATION) And away we went. Out of the door of the plush pad, down the gilded shaft for lifting and out under the tilted nose of a snooty doorman. Lawyer Shane's car was parked in front of the apartment. It was long, black and shiny; could've easily been a convertible - heh, convertible into a hearse. We made towards the car. SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS ROCKY: (NARRATION) Shane opened the door and started to get in. He moved toward the driver's seat but I saw it comin' up and shoved him to the ground - SFX: CAR PULLS UP/GUN SHOTS/ SQUEALING TIRES ROCKY: Hit the ground! PERRY: What - what happened? ROCKY: Take a peek at that neat hole through your windshield and you won't need any other diagrams. Now get behind that wheel fast and let's get outta here. SFX: CAR DOOR CLOSES/ENGINE STARTS/CAR PULLS AWAY/CAR RUNNING PERRY: Is it safe? ROCKY: Yeah, he's real gone by now. PERRY: Did you see who it was? ROCKY: Yeah, but just pull over here right at this curb. Pull up right here somewhere. SFX: CAR PULLS UP/STOPS ROCKY: It was little ol' Lou's little ol' husband. That was Marvin. Who else would be jerky enough to try a shot like that? PERRY: The hole in the windshield - it's right where I would've been sitting if you hadn't pulled me down. ROCKY: Save the drama 'til we got time for it. We got things to do. PERRY: But, aren't we going right over to the police headquarters? ROCKY: You're goin' right over to Sgt. Finger, 25th Precinct. Now give me your apartment keys, I'm gonna move fast. SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS/CLOSES ROCKY: Now I'm goin' right back to your apartment. You go over to the precinct and bring Finger back on the double. PERRY: Well, what're you gonna d- ROCKY: -The 64-dollar questions come later, now move! SFX: CAR PEELS OUT (MFX) ROCKY: (NARRATION) The move's gonna be fast. Rube Goldberg stuck a bulb over my head and an idea lit up. The next move could be back to the plush pad and I want to be there to see it. SFX: KEY IN LOCK / DOOR OPENS ROCKY: (NARRATION) I no sooner got the door open when Magnolia blossoms hit my eardrums. LOU: Oh, Rocky, I'm so happy it's little ol' you! ROCKY: I'll just bet you're no end pleased. LOU: I saw the whole thing right out this window - I was just horrified! ROCKY: Why? I thought you wanted him bumped? LOU: Well I do! But I didn't want you bumped! Oh I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you. ROCKY: Lady, you kill me. LOU: Now, Rocky, you got way too much talent. ROCKY: Let's write some story now, Lady Lou. Were you campin' out in the other room while I was talkin' to Perry? LOU: No, of course not! Well I was just completin' my little plan with Marvin. Y'see, I'm - I'm afraid I had a change of heart. I realized I'd still have Marvin as a husband even with Perry out of the way. That wouldn't do at all! ROCKY: Why not? Marvin was the banana you picked in the first place. LOU: Oh, but I got different ideas now. I want me another husband. I got him all picked out. ROCKY: Say, you are the one. Your little plan was just screwball enough to work, too. You know this crazy Marvin's gone enough on ya to do anything ya want. He kills Perry for you and you, the about to become black satin widow, testify you saw Marvin kill Perry- LOU: And the law kills Marvin because he was wicked and murdered Perry! And that leaves me minus two husbands. ROCKY: And plus Perry's loot. LOU: Also plus one husband number three. ROCKY: And him you already picked out. LOU: Not him - you! ROCKY: Me?! Heh, I'm too young to die. LOU: Oh, you're not gonna die, Rocky! Together we're gonna live! SFX: FOOTSTEPS COMING UP MARVIN: I'm so sorry for you, Mr. Fortune, that Lulu Ann picked you out. You know I'm just downright sorry ROCKY: I'll buy that. You're the sorriest sight I ever saw. I hope you got my last message. MARVIN: You mean about bein' too young to die? I received the message but I'm afraid I gotta disagree. ROCKY: Figures. That .38 you're packin' looks mighty disagreeable. Wherefrom in the woodwork were you hidin'? MARVIN: Now I just don't understand your Yankee talk. If you mean how come I come back here after shootin' at an' missin' Mr. Perry, why - I just had to come back to find out what Lulu Ann wanted me to do next. LOU: Oh, Marvin, honey, that's real thoughtful of you! I'm just gonna give you a nice big kiss. MARVIN: I hate not bein' a gentleman, Lulu Ann, but I think maybe you better stay over there with Rocky. LOU: Why, Marvin-! MARVIN: I'm hurt, Lulu Ann, I'm real hurt. If I hadn't heard it from your own sweet lips, I'd never believed it. I heard the whole plan you told Rocky; you wanted me dead! And that goes against my grain. LOU: Oh, but, Marvin baby, I was only tellin' Rocky that so I could stall him and keep him from callin' the police! Now you just go right ahead and shoot Rocky while I throw a few things in a bag. ROCKY: C'mon, Marvin, you're not gonna let slick chick pull the black satin over your eyes like that. Get with it, man, get with it! LOU: Now don't you go puttin' any of your Yankee ideas in Marvin's crowded little head! You go right ahead and shoot him, Marvin! ROCKY: Sure, go ahead and shoot me, Marvin - the cops'll be here in a minute. You'll burn for killin' me and little ol' Lulu Ann will be left with her little ol' moneybags Perry. LOU: Now don't you be tellin' him things like that! Now, I'll just turn on the radio nice an' loud so the shootin' won't disturb the neighbors. ROCKY: Don't you see, Marvin, she's got to get rid of you so she can be legally married to Perry. MFX: RADIO DANCE MUSIC CRANKS UP LOU: Don't you believe a word he says! Go ahead an' shoot him while the music's loud! ROCKY: Turn off the radio and listen to me! LOU: You like it louder? MFX: RADIO GETS LOUDER ROCKY: You gotta be dead or she's not legally married to Perry! She can't get his money while you're still alive! LOU: We'll find a way to get at his money, Marvin, and we'll do it together! MFX: MUSIC GETS SHUT OFF MARVIN: Now wait a minute! My head just won't stand all this shoutin' an' loud music! I think you're tryin' to confuse me, Mr. Fortune! Get ready to leave, Lulu Ann; I'm gonna shoot him. SFX: GUN CLICKS TWICE ON EMPTY BARRELS/ACTUAL GUNSHOT (BEAT) MARVIN: (shot) I'm just ? so surprised?! SFX: BODY FALLING DOWN (MFX) ROCKY: (NARRATION) Ha - he was surprised! Think how I felt! Here I am starin' at a .38 caliber lead purveyor an' I hear the hammer click, the gunshot, I wait for the hot lead and instead of a rainbow explosion in the puss I see the guy and the gun fall. The explanation came from a welcome source: my pal, Sgt. Finger? SGT. FINGER: Someday, Rocky, that luck of yours is gonna run out. Why didn't you come down to the precinct with Mr. Shane? ROCKY: For the reasons which I hope you heard; namely the story as told by Honey Pear and Marvin. Did you get it all? SGT. FINGER: Did we get it all? The way you were all yelling we could've taken that story down at the precinct! Come on, Honey Pear, we're going downtown. LOU: I refuse to move. You're just gonna have to talk to my husband; he's my lawyer. PERRY: Your ex-lawyer, Lulu Ann, and your soon-to-be ex-husband. I'll start annulment proceedings tomorrow. LOU: You can't annul me! Marvin's dead and he was the only other husband I ever had! ROCKY: Correction, Sweet Dreams, Marvin got his hand blasted, not his head. He'll be okay in a week. Ha - I can see you both now, walkin' arm in arm to your little steel cottage overlookin' the Hudson River. In fact, if you're real sweet I'll talk to Sgt. Finger about getting' you a room with a southern exposure. That's so you'll all feel at home. (MFX) ROCKY: It's a nice feeling, Mr. Shane, having a lively expensive dinner after looking at some deadly lead. PERRY: Well, we both have much to be thankful for, Rocky. Hey, you keep looking at me like you want to ask me something. ROCKY: You hit the nail right on my head, Mr. Shane. My nose is right where it don't belong again. I mean, Honey Pear wasn't a smart chick - she was wild an' screwy and about as subtle as Sophie Tucker. How come she got hooked with a smart guy like you? PERRY: Oh, I was lonely and she was pretty. She was amusing and I happen to be a man. Need I say more? ROCKY: Heh. You do and you'll be talkin' too much. You look like you got somethin' on your mind too, Mr. Shane. PERRY: You hit the nail right on my head too, Rocky. I was sort of thinking about you. ROCKY: Well, you'll have to spill without the penny for your thoughts; I'm a little low in the loot department. PERRY: That's what I was thinking about. You see, I'm a very successful attorney. Frankly, I'm quite a wealthy man and I can afford to have whomever I want around the office. Now, I know your source of income is rather unstable. How about a job? ROCKY: Me? In a mouthpiece office wearin' a white collar? No thanks, not for this moose. PERRY: Well, process servers have no use for white collars and they lead a pretty eventful life. ROCKY: Process server, huh? Huh, didn't think of that. An outside type profession could be interesting and lucrative. I'll have to kick that around between the ears a bit. PERRY: Well, while you're kicking it around I'd like to make out a check for you for a nice, sizable advance. ROCKY: Hm, I tell you what, Mr. Shane. Me, I'm a realistic type; make it out to my favorite charity. PERRY: Which is? ROCKY: Cash, Mr. Shane. C-a-s-h - cash. (MFX) ANNOUNCER: NBC has presented Frank Sinatra as that footloose and fancy-free young gentleman Rocky Fortune! Others in tonight's cast included Betty Lou Gerson, John Stevenson, Maurice Heart and Barney Phillips. Tonight's script was written by Norm Sickle. Andrew C. Lout directed. (MFX) ANNOUNCER: Now to tell you about next week's adventure, here's Frank Sinatra as Rocky Fortune. ROCKY: Hey, man, you ever been tiger hunting in Nepal? Well, I haven't either but they tell me they tie a goat to a stake and wait for the tiger to show up. Next week I'll tell you about the time a guy I know went tiger hunting - only the tiger was human and the goat was me! See you around. (MFX) ANNOUNCER: Visit with Fibber Magee and Molly later tonight the NBC radio network.