MUSIC: "JELLO" JINGLE DON: "The Jello Program", starring Jack Benny! With Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with "For No Rhyme or Reason" MUSIC: "FOR NO RHYME OR REASON", ESTABLISH, THEN FADE UNDER DON: I know you've often heard people say, "Today was a red-letter day for me." Well, let me tell you, ANY day can be a red-letter day, by those big red letters on the Jello box. For, they spell JELLO, and JELLO spells a treat. That name is your guarantee of grand desserts, because the name Jello is a trademark. It's the property of General Foods, and it tells you: Here is the genuine, the one and only, Jello. If you hear any other gelatin dessert called "Jello", you'll know that is incorrect. And that's why we ask you to insist on Jello by name. For, Jello brings you that delicious, extra-rich fruit flavour, a wonderful refreshing fruit freshness, that just can't be topped. So, when you go to your grocer, don't accept any substitutes. Those big red letters spell red-letter desserts. For, they spell JELLO! MUSIC: UP TO A FINISH DON: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce that next week, this program will move to the new NBC Studios on Sunset Boulevard, in Hollywood. So, tonight, folks, let us bid adieu to this old room, where for three years, every Sunday night, you have heard that same old sweet voice saying... JACK: (MELIFLUOUS) Jello again. This is Jack Benny talking. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Well, Don, this is our farewell performance under this old roof. Just think, after three years of work and worry and fun, we gotta move. I don't know how you feel about it, Don, but, gee, I'm ready to go over in the corner and have a good cry. DON: Aw, Jack, I wouldn't take it that hard. After all, it's just moving from one studio to the other, that's all. JACK: I know, Don, but I'm sentimental, and I just can't stand changes. I felt the same way when they raised the prices at the Brown Derby. But I'm built that way, and there's nothing I can do about it. DON: But, Jack, this new studio will be wonderful! Why, it's modern and gay! It's full of bright lights and decorations! JACK: Don, none of that, please. I'm not a child that can be bought with chromium and tinsel. You can't tell ME anything. I made up my mind to be broken-hearted tonight, and I'm gonna STAY that way. DON: But Jack, you're so silly. After all, this is only a building, with so much brick and steel and cement. JACK: Brick, steel, and cement? That's enough, Don. That's like saying Garbo is a rag, a bone, and a hunk o' hair. You're just cold and callous. DON: Now, wait a minute, Jack, I've got feelings. Why, I've got more sentiment in my little finger than you have in your whole body. JACK: Your LITTLE finger... I've seen legs o' lamb that were smaller than that! Hm... You and your feelings! MARY: Don is right, Jack. You're always making a mountain out of nothing. What's there to be sad about? JACK: Well, gee-- PHIL: Yeah, why are ya always tryin' to get sympathy? You haven't got any more sentiment for this building than a termite. JACK: Oh, I haven't, eh? I haven't got any sentiment, eh? Well, let me show you something, Phil. You see my watch chain here? You think that's an elk's tooth hangin' on it, don't ya? PHIL: Yeah! JACK: Well, it's not! This tooth belonged to the first girl I ever went out with! Rosie Gumm! And another thing, you know that big moose head that hangs in my den? MARY: If that's her mother, I'll scream. JACK: Well, it's not. If you wanna know something, I got that moose head in-- SFX: KNOCKING ON DOOR JACK: Come in? SFX: DOOR OPENS LAVERNE: Pardon me, Mr. Benny, but we were sent over here to move the furniture outta the room. JACK: The furniture? Already? LAVERNE: Yeah. Come on, Mervyn. MERVYN: Okay, LaVerne. JACK: Oh, for heaven's sake, can't they even wait until we're through? We've been here three years. Another ten minutes isn't going to make any difference. LAVERNE: That's OUR business, Buddy. Grab that chair, Mervyn. MERVYN: Okay. SFX: FURNITURE BUMPED AROUND, UNDER, TO [X] JACK: Hmmm... Can you imagine that, fellas? All this rush to get over into that new building. PHIL: Well, what's the matter with that new building? [X] Don't ya believe in progress? Don't ya believe in the advancement of Radio? JACK: Well, certainly I do! But listen, Phil, YOU should be the last one to want to go into that new studio. PHIL: Why? JACK: Because when we get there, your orchestra'll have to wear shoes! That's why. PHIL: Aw yeah? JACK: Yeah. They're gonna wear shoes next Sunday night, and that's an order! PHIL: Order or no order, you're gonna see plenty o' bunions tappin' time. JACK: Fine bunch of artists ya got. Eight hillbillies, four Huckleberry Finns, and a Zulu. Phil, I wish you'd tell your First Violinist, incidentally, to stop selling sandwiches while the program is going on. PHIL: Well, he's gotta make a livin' SOME way. JACK: Well, not at MY expense. I bought a three-decker from him last week, and all it had in it was a strip of bacon and two bars of "The Lambeth Walk". I'll tell you one thing, Phil-- LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn, gimme a hand with this ashtray, willya? MERVYN: The ashtray? I got it. LAVERNE: Together now. (THEY GRUNT AS THEY LIFT THIS HEAVY OBJECT.) JACK: I give you my word of honour, folks. That ashtray doesn't weigh over three ounces. Now look, be as quiet as you can, willya fellas? LAVERNE: Okay, okay. We'll watch it. MERVYN: Gee, he's a fussbudget. Ain't he, LaVerne? LAVERNE: Yeah. JACK: Gee, Mary, look at 'em takin' those chairs out. I can't bear to watch it. Just think, we spent three years working in this one little room. MARY: Yeah. JACK: And now, we gotta leave. Oh well. We've had some mighty funny programs come outta here. MARY: We've had some mighty other kind too. JACK: Well, naturally. We can't always click. Even a castanet misses once in a while. Gee, Mary, don't you feel sad about leavin' here? MARY: Do I??? Whattaya think I got on this piece o' paper? LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn? MERVYN: What? LAVERNE: I'll bet it's one o' them lousy poems. JACK: Now, you keep out of this! Is it a poem, Mary? MARY: Yes. It's a farewell to this old studio. JACK: Well, this is ONE time I'll appreciate it. What's the title o' your poem? MARY: "I've Got Those I-Hate-to-Leave-This-Studio-With-Its- Fond-Memories-Where-I've-Spent-So-Many-Happy-Days Blues" JACK: Well, take a deep breath, and start the poem. MARY: Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) I feel so lonely, sad, and blue, I could bite my nails, and say, "Boo hoo." For, today we move, this gang and me, From NBC to NBC. JACK: That's very clever, Mary. Now, get funny. MARY: You may say, "What does it matter?" But here we've heard Jack's funny chatter. It brought a smile, a laugh, a roar... JACK: That's right. MARY: And now and then, a great big snore. JACK: Mary, I feel bad enough as it is. MARY: When programs here we did begin, Don Wilson only had one chin... JACK: (CHUCKLING) Hey, he did, at that. MARY: And little me, was sweet sixteen, And Kenny looked like Bobby Breen. JACK: Gee, and it seemed like yesterday. MERVYN: Hey, LaVerne, ain't that somethin'? LAVERNE: Yeah. Have ya got an asprin? JACK: Hmm... That all, Mary? MARY: Uh, one more verse. JACK: Oh. MARY: In my throat, there is a lump, As we leave this dear old dump... JACK: Dump? MARY: So, here's good luck and lots of joy, From flatfoot Mary with a floy floy. JACK: Well! Well! Mary, I thought that was one o' your best poems! It was simply grand! MARY: And, you know, Jack, I wrote that one in bed. JACK: In bed, huh? MARY: Yeah. Was I surprised when I woke up. JACK: Well. I imagine it WOULD be a shock. And now, folks, Phil Harris and his Orchestra will play a brand-new peppy tune called "What Have You Got That Gets Me?". Are you ready, Phil? PHIL: All set! LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn, should we dance? MERVYN: Yes, comrade, let's! JACK: Hmm... Play, Phil. I'll collect the tickets. MUSIC: "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THAT GETS ME?" JACK: That was "What Have You Got That Gets Me?", played by Phil Harris and his Orchestra. Say, Phil, that number is from my new Paramount picture, "Artists and Models Abroad". PHIL: (MILD HOSTILITY) I know. That's why I played it. JACK: Well, it's a swell tune! And you know, Phil, originally, I sang a whole chorus of that number to Joan Bennett in one of our love scenes. Didn't I, Mary? MARY: Yeah, but the cotton in her ears showed, so they had to cut it out. JACK: That wasn't the reason at all. They just didn't want me to conflict with Crosby. After all, we both work for the same studio, you know. DON: Well, how does the picture look, Jack? I mean, how are you in it? JACK: (FALSE MODESTY) Oh... I'd rather not talk about it, Don. You know, it'll sound like I'm conceited, and I'm bragging, you know. Wait til it comes out, and you'll see for yourself how great I am. PHIL: No kiddin'. JACK: No, on the level. Now, here I'm supposed to be a comedian, yet I handled the love interest with Joan Bennett about as well as--well, I won't say, BETTER--but AS WELL as any lover on the screen. And, believe me, I'm sincere. PHIL: (DISPARAGING) Oh, sure, sure. JACK: Well, I did. MARY: Why, Jack, I saw it, and you didn't kiss Joan once in the whole picture! JACK: Well, I-- PHIL: What's that, Jack? You didn't even KISS Joan Bennett? JACK: Well, heavens knows, I TRIED to! Phil, she's as quick as a deer. But, you know, there was one other scene I had, fellas... Now, you talk about pathos, well-- LAVERNE: (CALLS) Hey, Mervyn! Bring over the stepladder. I wanna take these drapes down. MERVYN: (CALLS) The what??? JACK: The stepladder! Now, Phil, you talk about pathos-- MERVYN: Here it is, LaVerne. LAVERNE: Hold it steady now. JACK: Oh. Now, you talk about pathos; there's one scene where Joan and I quarrel, and she says goodbye, and leaves me. And there's a look that comes over my face, that-- SFX: LOUD THUDS & CRASHES JACK: Isn't that awful? MERVYN: Did ya hurt yourself, LaVerne? LAVERNE: Yeah. I banged my elbow. MERVYN: Awww...I'll kiss it for ya. JACK: Oh, what's the use? Let's forget my picture, willya, fellas? MARY: We're way ahead of ya. JACK: Hmmm... DON: Now, wait a minute, Jack! Wait a minute! Was there any place in the picture where you were able to mention Jello? You know, you told me you'd try. JACK: Well, Don, it was very difficult. You see, the story is laid-- LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn! Take these pictures, and load 'em on the truck! MERVYN: Okay! JACK: You see, the story is laid in Paris. Well, Joan and I had one scene in a restaurant, but I didn't know how to order Jello in French. DON: But Jack, all you had to say was, (FRENCH) "Gar-SON, donnay moi zee Jello." JACK: Oh, (FRENCH) "Donnay moi ze Jello". I see. Well, supposing the waiter asked me (FRENCH) "What fla-VOR?" DON: Well, then you could have said, (FRENCH) "I want zee Straw-ber-REE, or Raz-ber-REE, Sher-REE, O-RANZHE, Lee-MON, or zee Lime." JACK: Don, that's about as French as corned beef and cabbage. I suppose I should have asked to see (FRENCH) zee big rouge lett-AIRS on zee pack-AZHE. (NORMAL) Anyway, it's too late now, Don. LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn! Hand me that screwdriver, will ya? MERVYN: Oui, oui, monsieur! JACK: Oh, go away. Say, fellas, it's about time for Kenny's song. Where is he? PHIL: I don't know. I haven't seen him. JACK: Gee, he comes in whenever he feels like it. Oh, well. If he doesn't show up, I'll sing. (ALL BUT JACK AD LIB URGENTLY LOOKING FOR KENNY.) KENNY: (ANGRY) Hello, Jack! Gee, I'm burned up! JACK: Well, so am I. Where were ya? You should'a been here when the show started! KENNY: Well, it's not MY fault I'm late! I got here an hour ago! JACK: Well, what happened? KENNY: Well, every time I tried to come into the studio, two guys'd pick me up and throw me in a truck! JACK: Darn those movers! Well, what did they think you were, a statue or something? KENNY: Oh, I guess so. One guy said, "Careful, don't drop it." JACK: Oh, Kenny, that's the topper. You didn't have to be shoved around like that. Why didn't you tell those mugs to let you alone? KENNY: I thought it was part o' the program. JACK: Oh, ya DID??? Bend over, Kenny. KENNY: Like this? JACK: Yeah. SFX: KICK IN THE PANTS KENNY: Ouch! JACK: (ANGRY) That's part o' the program too! KENNY: (HAPPY) Gee, it's gettin' to be more fun every year! JACK: It sure is. Now, let's drop it. It's time for your song. What are you gonna sing? KENNY: Well, uh, at first, I was going to sing "You Go to My Head". JACK: Uh-huh... KENNY: And then, I said to myself, "No, Kenny. Why don't you sing 'Now It Can Be Told'?" JACK: Oh. KENNY: And then, I thought it over, and said, "Kenny Baker, the song for you--" JACK: (ANNOYED) Well, to cut a long story short, Kenny, what's it gonna be? KENNY: Oh, I'm so mixed up now, the heck with it. JACK: The heck with nothing. Go ahead with your song. LAVERNE: Hey, Mervyn! Gimme a hand with this, willya? MERVYN: I got it. (LIFTS HEAVY OBJECT) JACK: Put him down!!! He's gotta sing! KENNY: Nyah! JACK: (VERY ANGRY) Now listen, you fellas! I've had just about enough from you! You can finish all of this moving later! LAVERNE: Aw, pipe down, ya old mackerel! JACK: MACKEREL??? Those are fighting words, brother! LAVERNE: Yeah? Well, ya wanna make somethin' out of it? JACK: You're just lucky I got this cold! Sing, Kenny. (COUGHING, CONTINUING UNDER FIRST FEW BARS OF SONG INTRO) KENNY'S SONG: "I'VE GOT A DATE WITH A DREAM" JACK: That was "I've Got a Date With a Dream", sung by Kenny Baker. And that was swell, Kenny. You were in excellent voice. KENNY: Thanks, Jack, and it was white of you to admit it. JACK: Well, there's nothing white about it. You have a marvellous voice, and there's no getting away from it. KENNY: Well, if it's so darn marvellous, what do you want to get away from it for? JACK: I don't want to get away from it. I paid ya a compliment, ya little brat! KENNY: You did? JACK: Yes. KENNY: Bend over, Kenny. JACK: Can ya beat that, Mary? You pay a fella a compliment, he don't know what you're talkin' about. MARY: Well, it's your own fault. You always try to mix him up. LAVERNE: Yeah, why don't ya pick on somebody your size? MERVYN: That's what I say! JACK: Now listen, you guys--! MOVERS: (THREATENING) Yeah? JACK: Get away from me. You'll catch my cold. And now, folks, if I may be permitted to talk on my own program, I would like to announce that next Sunday night, we will again attempt a stupendous and artistic dramatic triumph. We are going to present none other than the-- SFX: KNOCKING ON DOOR JACK: Hold it, Jack. Come in? SFX: DOOR OPENS MARY: Hey, Jack, look who's here! JACK: Well, well! The Mayor of Van Nuys! ANDY: Hiya, Buck! JACK: That's the first time this season! Some stuff! Well, Andy, we're sure glad to see you! Gee, I thought you forgot about us this year, but you finally showed up! ANDY: Yes sir, and I'd better be terrific! JACK: (CHUCKLING) Well, make yourself at home, Andy. This is your hangout. PHIL: Hiya, Mayor! ANDY: Hello, Curly! How are all the girls? Are they still chasin' ya? PHIL: They sure are, Andy! ANDY: Well, if ya get outta breath, let me know! JACK: Hey, Andy! Look who's here. MARY: Hello, Your Honour. ANDY: Hello, Mary! (NERVOUS LITTLE GIGGLE) I'd give ya a kiss if I thought you'd appreciate it. MARY: I won't, so unpucker. JACK: Well, that's settled. We don't have to waste a sound effect there. ANDY: Hey, and there's Kenny! Whattaya been doin', kid? KENNY: Oh, just singing and bending over. JACK: Say, Andy, you're not gonna forget your old friend, Don Wilson, are you? ANDY: I should say not! Hello, Don! DON: Hello, Andy! DON & ANDY: You've put on a little weight, haven't you? JACK: Hey, one at a time, fellas. Well, Andy, we're sure glad to have you with us again. Tell me, did ya have a good time this summer? ANDY: I had a swell time, Buck! I went to Honolulu, and I took Ma and Pa along. JACK: To Honolulu! Say, that must have been a real vacation! Say, I can just picture your pa with those Hawaiian girls in their grass skirts there, WOW! ANDY: Oh, he didn't hang around them much. JACK: What's the matter? Was he bashful? ANDY: Oh, it wasn't that, Buck. Ma had him on a leash. JACK: Oh, she had him on a leash, eh? How did it work out? ANDY: Well, not so good. We had trouble gettin' him into restaurants. JACK: Oh. Well, anyway, Andy, I envy you-- (AD LIBS) I should'a waited a little bit there. Sorry. Anyway, Andy, really, I envy you that trip. Gee, I remember when I was there, and saw those beautiful hula dancers. Gee, they are gorgeous. But then, that's nothing compared with the marvellous scenery: The palm trees, the tropical flowers, and the colouring of the sky against the blue Pacific... ANDY: Yes, sir! They sure can wiggle! JACK: Andy, I wish you'd keep up with the conversation. I was talking about the flowers and scenery. ANDY: Oh, I can enjoy that stuff when I'm on the Townsend Plan. JACK: That's right. But, say, Andy, how about the boat trip? Did you enjoy your boat trip? ANDY: I sure did! But there was one day when it was awful rough. You want to hear about it? MARY: Yeah. Bend over, Andy. JACK: Don't bother. We can hear about it later. PHIL: Whattaya got in that package, Andy? ANDY: Oh, I nearly forgot. Here, Buck, here's a little present I brought ya. JACK: A present? Well! Something from Honolulu, huh? ANDY: Uh-huh. Go ahead and open it. SFX: UNWRAPPING, UNDER JACK: Gee, that was sweet o' you, Andy. Gee whiz. SFX: UNWRAPPING, OUT JACK: Oh, fellas... Look at this. A real pineapple! Gee... Gosh, I don't know what to say! Gee, I've always wanted one of these. MARY: Well, for heaven's sake, Jack. You can buy one at any grocery store. JACK: Not one like this. This is a real Hawaiian pineapple. I know, because when I was over there, I used to look up and see thousands of them growing on the trees. DON: Why, Jack, you couldn't have looked up, because pineapples don't grow on trees. They're plants, and they grow right out of the ground. JACK: (ANNOYED) Well, this was years ago. I was short then! Don't tell ME about pineapples! PHIL: Jack, you must be thinkin' o' coconuts. JACK: I'm NOT thinking of coconuts! I'm telling you, fellas, I used to look up and see the pineapples! PHIL: (ANGRY) Why, you couldn't have looked up and seen 'em! JACK: I could too! PHIL: Listen, a full-grown pineapple plant is only three feet high! How tall were YOU at the time? JACK: One foot six, and SHUT UP! Anyway, it was mighty sweet o' you, Andy. Thanks for the pineapple. ANDY: You're welcome. MARY: Bring some cottage cheese next Sunday, and we'll make a salad. JACK: Oh, no, no. This is mine. Stick around, Andy. Right after the program, I'll take you over to my place for a real home-cooked dinner. (SOTTO) Gee, I'm hungry. (UP) And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce before, next Sunday night, we're gonna present a stupendous and artistic dramatic triumph, that we feel will-- SFX: PHONE RINGS JACK: I'll answer it. SFX: ANSWERS PHONE JACK: Hello? ROCH: Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. JACK: (ANNOYED) Oh, you. Whattayou want? ROCH: Are you plannin' to come home for dinner tonight? JACK: Why, certainly I am. ROCH: Well, if you want somethin' to eat, you better bring that pineapple. JACK: What are ya talkin' about? There was plenty of food in the icebox when I left the house this morning. What happened to it? ROCH: In the WHICH? JACK: In the icebox! When I left this morning, it was just bulging with food! ROCH: Well, the swellin's gone down now. JACK: Rochester! Did you throw another party this afternoon?! ROCH: Well, come to think of it, a few of my friends dropped in for some tea and donuts. JACK: Now, listen! If you just served tea and donuts, what happened to all those lamb chops? ROCH: Well, I ran outta donuts... JACK: Yes... ROCH: So, we bored holes in the chops, and dunked 'em. JACK: That's fine. And what happened to that big roast turkey that was there?! ROCH: Oh, that. JACK: Yes! ROCH: That was First Prize in the Bingo game. JACK: Well, that's the last straw! You got a lotta nerve inviting people to the house without my permission! ROCH: Well, I went to college with 'em. JACK: I DON'T CARE WHERE YA WENT! Now, see that you have some food in the house when I get there. ROCH: Okay. JACK: G'bye. ROCH: Say, Boss... JACK: What? ROCH: As long as you're comin' home, will you bring my fan mail? JACK: Yes, I'll bring it. Goodbye. SFX: HANGS UP PHONE JACK: And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce, next Sunday night, we're gonna present a stupendous and artistic dramatic triumph, that we feel-- LAVERNE: All right, Mervyn, we're nearly through. Let's take up this rug. MERVYN: Okay. Get off, buddy! JACK: (ANGRY) Now, wait a minute! I thought you guys had gone! Now, you're not gonna take this rug until we're through with our program! I'm standing on it, and I won't get off! LAVERNE: Well, you better. You're too old to do a backflip. JACK: I am, eh?! Well, I'M NOT BUDGING OFF THIS RUG! LAVERNE: Come on, Mervyn, he asked for it! MERVYN: Okay. SFX: SLIDE WHISTLE ASCENDING ... LOUD CRASHING & THUD JACK: Well... That's the last straw. LISTEN, YOU MUGS! I'M GONNA TAKE THIS UP WITH THE HEAD OF NBC! LAVERNE: Who do ya think I am? JACK: Oh, PARDON me, Mr. Swallow! I didn't recognize you in those overalls! Play, Phil. MUSIC: UP, THEN QUICK FADE, UNDER DON: Ladies and gentlemen, it's not true there's nothing new under the sun. There IS. I know. It's new, and it's delicious! It's the new Jello Butterscotch Pudding, one of the grandest desserts you ever dipped a spoon in. It's mellow, and it's creamy smooth. It's rich and glossy-looking, with a tempting toffee colour. It's luscious with good old fashioned brown sugar. In other words, it's a swell dish! And Jello Butterscotch Pudding is only one of three new Jello Puddings. There's Vanilla, REAL vanilla, a delicate creamy pudding dessert with a wonderful flavour. And there's Chocolate, rich and smooth and chocolatey. And all three Jello Puddings are amazingly quick and easy to prepare, with just a few moments' cooking. Simple directions are on every package. And take my word for it--for I've tried them all--you get real homemade pudding with a perfect satin smoothness of texture, and a rich full flavour that can't be beat. So, try all three, and try them soon. The best way is to buy three packages at a time. Jello Butterscotch, Vanilla, and Chocolate Pudding. Three prize-winning new desserts your family's going to go for! MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY, THEN FAST FADEOUT JACK: Uh, we ran overtime, so goodnight, folks. MUSIC: "JELLO" JINGLE DON: Kenny Baker appears on "The Jello Program" through courtesy of Mervyn LeRoy Productions. This is the National Broadcasting Company. NBC CHIMES