Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show Improvement is Necessary + Suspense Date: Apr 22 1951 Transcribed by Patte RosebankMUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD, UNDER FORMAN: RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show! MUSIC: RCA FANFARE, THEN THEME UP, THEN UNDER FORMAN: For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris! MUSIC: SEGUE INTO "ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT HARRIS: This is Phil. Now, here's a word from RCA Victor. FORMAN: This is the season when practically every American's idea of paradise is a grandstand seat at the ballpark. Yes, it's baseball today, the American way! Now, the next best thing to a real seat in the bleachers is an easy chair in front of your own RCA Victor nineteen-inch television set. Where you see the games in pictures the big bright size, the just right size for any living room. Pictures so realistic, you can all but smell the dust of the ballpark. The kind of pictures that make RCA Victor television million-proof: proven in over two million homes. Yes, inch for inch, RCA Victor nineteen-inch is your best buy in television. And you can get your set tomorrow. That's right, RCA Victor dealers have a big range of RCA Victor nineteen-inchers on display right now. So, insist on the best. Insist on RCA Victor nineteen-inch. Inch for inch, your best buy in television! MUSIC: RCA VICTOR FANFARE, THEN OUT FORMAN: Mr. Scott, of RCA Victor, has called Phil, and told him an emergency has arisen, and he wants him to have the entire cast of the show at NBC, this morning, at ten o'clock. It is now ten minutes of ten, and Phil and Alice are just about to enter the studio. SFX: FOOTSTEPS, UNDER HARRIS: Look, honey, Mr. Scott said that this was gonna be an important meeting, so when we get into rehearsal, well, I'll just have to lay the law down to the boys in the band, and... well, I'm gonna have to tell 'em just how to act. FAYE: You like to live dangerously, don't you? Why, if you rub those fellas the wrong way, they'll tear you limb from limb. HARRIS: Yeah, I know. It's kinda dangerous, but they gotta be told, and I'm the guy that's-- (SWITCH) Hey, wait a minute! I got an idea! FAYE: What? HARRIS: YOU tell 'em. FAYE: Me??? You expect me to stand up in front of those twenty-seven head-hunters? Are you after my insurance money, Clyde? HARRIS: Now, wait a minute. You got nothing to worry about. They won't hurt a woman. They're a MAN-eating tribe. Look, honey, if they start comin' at ya, I'll drive them back with a fire hose. Now, will ya do it for me, honey? FAYE: All right. I'll do it. My only regret is that I have but one life to lose for my yellow husband. Come on, let's go in. SFX: DOOR OPENS SFX: STUDIO AMBIENCE, UNDER (BAND ALL TALKING AT ONCE, UNDER) SFX: DOOR CLOSES FAYE: All right. Quiet. Gentlemen, please. All right, fellas. Please, quiet! Quiet!! PIPE DOWN, YOU MUGS!!! (BAND IS INSTANTLY SILENT.) FAYE: Gentlemen... I have something to say to you. I'm in charge here, so pay attention. ARTIE: (OFF-MIKE) Hey, fellas, look at Harris in that blonde wig! He's become a female impersonator! SAMMY: (OFF-MIKE) That ain't Phil Harris! ARTIE: (OFF-MIKE) Then who is it? SAMMY: (OFF-MIKE) Harpo Marx! HARRIS: Wait a minute! Now, don't be a bunch o' wise guys. This female impersonator happens to be my wife! FAYE: Thank you. (TO BAND) Gentlemen, I have something to say to you, and I want you to pay attention. ARTIE: (OFF-MIKE) What right have you got to tell us anything? FAYE: I happen to be your leader's wife, and what I say, goes! ARTIE: (OFF-MIKE) Get a load of Eva Peron! FAYE: Who's Eva Peron? HARRIS: Don't you know nothin', honey? That's the new daytime soap opera. "Eva Peron, Girl Dictator". (SWITCH) Now look, you guys, when Alice is gonna-- (TAKE) Wait a minute. What's that sack of onions doin' on the floor? ARTIE: (OFF-MIKE) Them ain't onions. That's Remley, takin' a nap. HARRIS: Lumpy, ain't he? Remley... All right, kid, let's wake up. SFX: SNAPPING FINGERS AT REMLEY HARRIS: All right, Remley. Come on, rise and shine! Remley... The man's here for ya! FRANKIE: (STARTLED HALF-AWAKE) What? What, what, what? Who's talkin'? HARRIS: Open your eyes and find out. FRANKIE: I'm too sleepy. I can't open my eyes. HARRIS: Well, FORCE 'em open! FRANKIE: (GRUDGINGLY) Okay. SFX: CLICK OF LIGHT SWITCH. (PAUSE) CLICK OF LIGHT SWITCH HARRIS: Good boy. Now, then... SFX: CLICK OF LIGHT SWITCH HARRIS: Don't overdo it! Just open two. That's enough. Leave the one in the middle shut. Why are you so sleepy anyway? FRANKIE: I didn't get to bed last night. HARRIS: Well, what were ya doin'? FRANKIE: Up until eleven-thirty, I can give ya a detailed report. After that, it's just hearsay. HARRIS: Francis... (DRAMATICALLY) why do you do these things? You're just wasting your talented youth. I say, "youth". I also say, "talented". FRANKIE: Ah, Curly, I got news for ya. I was out with a girl last night, and... I fell in love. HARRIS: Oh... YOU fell in love? FRANKIE: Yeah. You oughtta see Orville; she's beautiful! She has long red hair, blue eyes, little turned-up nose... and three o' the sharpest teeth ya ever saw. HARRIS: Three teeth? FRANKIE: Two on top, and one on the bottom. HARRIS: How long have you known this beaver? FRANKIE: Please, Curly! She only needs three teeth for her job. HARRIS: Oh, this I can't wait for. Go ahead, tell me. What's her job? FRANKIE: She's a hole-biter in a bowling ball factory. HARRIS: That's fine. Thank you, and goodbye. FRANKIE: As the balls go by, she bends over and snaps at 'em. HARRIS: That's enough, Remley. That's fine. FRANKIE: They wanted to promote her to the two-hole ball department, but she refused to pull a tooth for that. HARRIS: All right, you can quit now. FRANKIE: And I don't blame her. HARRIS: All right, all right. Look, Remley, Mr. Scott's comin' down today, and I want you to behave yourself. (SWITCH) And, incidentally, that goes for the rest of you guys too. Mr. Scott happens to be a big man, and I want you to treat him with dignity, and with respect... SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: ...and another thing-- SCOTT: Good morning, everybody. Hello, Harris. HARRIS: Gentlemen... Mr. Scott! MUSIC: BAND PLAYS "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE", UNDER HARRIS: No! Hold it! Hold it!! Will you stop already??? Stop it!!! MUSIC: OUT HARRIS: What'sa matter with you guys? What's the idea o' playin' "Mockin' Bird Hill?" SCOTT: Harris... Are these offbeat characters pulling my leg? HARRIS: Why, of course not, Mr. Scott. You see-- Well, you see they're very shy, and they can only express themselves musically. They think the world of you. (TO BAND) Don't you, fellas? ARTIE: (SINGS, OFF-MIKE) Everybody loves their sponsor, that's why we're in love with you... BAND: (SINGS, OFF-MIKE) Pretty Scotty, pretty Scotty. ARTIE: (SINGS, OFF-MIKE) Won't you let me come and talk-- HARRIS: WAIT A MINUTE! That's enough! SCOTT: What's the matter with these men? Don't they like me? HARRIS: Oh, on the contrary. They're crazy about you. Look, now, you take Remley, for instance, Mr. Scott. (SWITCH) Remley... FRANKIE: Hm? HARRIS: Frankie, tell Mr. Scott how you feel about him. FRANKIE: (SINGS) You're lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss! SCOTT: Get your pudgy paws off me! (SWITCH) Now, Harris, this is the very thing I came down to see you about. There's no dignity on this show at all. Everything here is disorganized. Now, let me see the script for tomorrow's program. HARRIS: Um... Oh, well, look, uh, the writers haven't brought it down yet, Mr. Scott. SCOTT: WHAT??? HARRIS: Now, don't get excited. They'll be here with it. And if we don't have a script for tomorrow's show, I'll tell you what. I'll sing the whole half-hour. SCOTT: (PAUSE) Oh, WOULD you do that for me? HARRIS: Yes! SCOTT: You do, and I'll take a hot iron and straighten out every curl in your wavy little scalp! FAYE: Oh, Mr. Scott, Phil has one song I know you'll like. He does a duet with me, and, and it's a great tune. It's called "The Letter", and we recorded it for RCA Victor. SCOTT: Well, if you did it for our company, it must be good. Go ahead and sing it. I'm all ears. FRANKIE: Oh, in that case, I'd better pin 'em back, so they won't flap during the song. HARRIS: Remley... HARRIS & FAYE'S SONG: "THE LETTER" SCOTT: Ah, Miss Faye, you sang wonderfully. And as for you, Harris... HARRIS: Yes? SCOTT: It's getting late. Where are the writers with the script? I'm not happy with what they've been writing lately, and I want to talk to them. HARRIS: Okay, but be careful, Mr. Scott, how ya handle 'em. They're very artistic and temperamental, and they-- SCOTT: Oh, don't worry, they'll have respect for me. I'm the sponsor. SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: Well, I guess-- Oh! Here they are now! Hiya, fellas! SFX: DOOR CLOSES DICK: Good morning, you joke-butcher. HARRIS: All right, now please, fellas, I want-- Well, you see-- That is-- RAY: Quiet, tangle-tongue! HARRIS: Now, look, gentlemen, I just want you to meet somebody. Mr. Singer, Mr. Chevillat, this is Mr. Scott. SCOTT: How do you do? Now, gentlemen, I-- RAY: Harris, who is this baggy-pants stooge? SCOTT: I am not a stooge! DICK: Then what are you? SCOTT: I'm the sponsor! DICK: Tut-tut! No profanity! HARRIS: Wait a minute, fellas! Please be nice to Mr. Scott! I didn't tell you, but, several weeks ago, Mr. Scott became the sponsor of our show. DICK: (IN DISBELIEF) What? This is now a SPONSORED show? Harris, you sneak! You sold us down the river! HARRIS: What are you talkin' about? What's wrong with havin' a sponsor? RAY: Oh, the shame of it! To think the purity of our literary work should be tainted by some bellowing individual, telling us to wash our undies in Yami Yogurt! (TEARFUL) For twenty years, we've written unsponsored programs, and now, this fiend comes along and louses up our record! (SOBS) DICK: Don't cry, Raymond, don't cry. I'll handle this. Mr. Scott, I'm sorry, but we don't allow sponsors on our shows, so I'll thank you to leave. SCOTT: (STAMMERS) But I've-- I've-- I've-- I've-- DICK: Now, please, take your hat and your potato peeler, or whatever you're selling, and blow! In short, you're fired! SCOTT: WAIT A MINUTE! I'M the boss! You two are fired! Now, GET OUT!!! DICK: Very well. We'll go. We don't need radio! We'll go back to our old job of writing for the American Railway Express! HARRIS: You wrote for the Railway Express? DICK: Oh, yes. Our works have been seen and heard all over the world! Famous lines, such as: "FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE", "USE NO HOOKS", "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS"... RAY: And! Don't forget our immortal line: "THIS END UP". Goodbye! SFX: DOOR SLAMS SCOTT: (CALLING) And don't come back! (SWITCH) Harris, I don't like the type of comedy you've been doing. I want something more dignified. And you'd better have it for me tomorrow. Goodbye. SFX: WALKING AWAY, UNDER SCOTT: (SOTTO) I had to get stuck with a hokey comic. Why can't I have a classy show, like "The Halls of Ivy"? Or "Ma Perkins"? Or "Grand Old Opry"? SFX: OUT FRANKIE: He's got a lotta nerve comin' in here, tryin' to tell you how to run your show. Don't listen to him, Curly! HARRIS: I gotta listen to him! He's the boss. Besides, I agree with him. I'm tired of doin' comedy, myself. I'd like to do something serious, something with dignity, something that has... suspense, and ha-- (TAKE) Hey, that's it! FRANKIE: What? HARRIS: We'll do a show like "Suspense"! And I know just the guy who can write it! FAYE: Who? HARRIS: Me. FAYE: Aw, Phil, you're not a writer! HARRIS: Use'ta be mah business. And I'm goin' home and write a script and show ya-- (SWITCH) Wait a minute! Look, I want everybody back here tomorrow morning for rehearsal. So, all of ya go home and get a good night's rest! MUSIC: BRIEF TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT HARRIS: Well, I'm glad to see you're all here for rehearsal this morning. FRANKIE: That night passed so fast, I didn't get much sleep. HARRIS: Never mind. Now, look, I want you people to know that I spent all night writin' this script, and I've got a story that's chock-full of suspense! FAYE: Say, Phil, you oughtta put some of those eerie sound effects in, to create a mood like they do in all those mystery shows. HARRIS: Don't worry about that, Honey. I thought o' that. I got all the sound effects in. (SWITCH) All right! Let's get started! Cut to scene! MUSIC: "SUSPENSE" THEME UP, THEN UNDER KEARNS: Ladies and gentlemen, RCA Victor presents... Alice Faye and Phil Harris... in a story about a man, his unfaithful wife, and MURDER. MUSIC: DRAMATIC "SUSPENSE" CRESCENDO, THEN OUT SFX: FOOTSTEPS ... DOG HOWL ... GONG ... "BO" FOGHORN ... TWO GUNSHOTS ... WOMAN'S SCREAM ... COP'S WHISTLE ... CREAK OF COFFIN LID HARRIS: Nurse, when is my wife gonna have her baby? NURSE: Don't be impatient, Sir. HARRIS: Impatient? I've been pacing this hospital corridor for six months! My feet are killin' me. Nurse, see if Mrs. Harris has had her baby yet. NURSE: Mrs. Harris? I'm sorry, but there's nobody named Mrs. Harris having a baby here. HARRIS: Then try Schultz. I'll take anything ya got. You must have a Mrs. Harris. Six months ago, she told me she was going to have a baby, and I should meet her here. NURSE: I'm sorry, but we don't have a Mrs. Harris. HARRIS: But why should she tell me that she's gonna have a-- (TAKE) Oh. I see it all now. She's not gonna have a baby; she's in love with another man, and this was just a trick to get me outta the house! Well, she's not gonna get away with it! I'm goin' right home now, and have this out with her! SFX: FOOTSTEPS ... DOG HOWL ... GONG ... "BO" FOGHORN ... TWO GUNSHOTS ... WOMAN'S SCREAM ... COP'S WHISTLE ... CREAK OF COFFIN LID FRANKIE: Alice, darling, that was beautiful. Sing me another chorus. FAYE: Later, Frank. Right now, tell me... Do you love me? FRANKIE: Need you ask, darling? I want you for my own, and I can't wait until you're free! Tell me, darling... Have you tried killing your husband lately? FAYE: I've tried everything. FRANKIE: Did you fix his cocktail the way I told you? FAYE: Yes. Last week, I made his martini the way you suggested. I put in arsenic, cleaning fluid, and a glass olive. FRANKIE: What happened? FAYE: He liked it! Now he won't drink anything else! FRANKIE: Strange. Every time I drink 'em, they give me heartburn. We must find another way! FAYE: Oh, I've found another way! A subtle way. I've hired an electrician. FRANKIE: An electrician? How is he gonna help us? FAYE: I'll let him tell you. Here he is now. JULIUS: Well, Lady, I done what yez told me. I wired everything in the house. If your husband sits down in his easy chair, a landmine explodes. If he turns on the lamp, machine gun bullets spray him. And if he picks up the phone, thirty thousand volts of electricity go through his body. (PAUSE) Tell me something, Lady. Are you mad at your husband? FAYE: No. No, but are you sure this will do away with him? JULIUS: It can't miss. I got everything in the joint wired, including your mother-in-law. If he tries to kiss her on Mother's Day, he'll get burned to a crisp. FRANKIE: Good. In the meantime, Alice, we better not be seen with each other, or the police will suspect us. We've got to keep our romance a secret. We don't want anyone to know that we're in love with each other! FAYE: Oh, don't fret, sweetheart. NOBODY will find out about us. SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: Oho! I caught ya at last! My wife in the arms of another man! FAYE: Ehh, it's old blabbermouth! Now it will be all over town! FRANKIE: (ANGRILY) Where are your manners, Harris, bursting in like this? Now, go out and knock before you come in! HARRIS: (CHASTENED) Oh, I'm sorry. SFX: DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES ... TWO LOUD THUMPS ON DOOR FRANKIE: (CALLS ANGRILY) Who's there? HARRIS: (OUTSIDE DOOR, CALLS) Howard! FRANKIE: (CALLS ANGRILY) Howard who? HARRIS: (OUTSIDE DOOR, CALLS) Howard ya like to have your roof caved in?! JULIUS: Oh, no! He's doin' knock-knock jokes! No wonder ya wanna kill this jerk! FAYE: Oh, Frank, why try to hide it? I want my husband to know that we're in love. So-- so take me in your arms, and (SEDUCTIVE) kiss me. FRANKIE: (DRAMATICALLY) All right. We'll show him we're not afraid! (CALLS) Come in! (THEY EMBRACE, KISSING LOUDLY, PASSIONATELY, AND REPEATEDLY, UNDER) SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: Aha! A fine thing! I come home to find my wife kissin' another man, and dinner isn't even ready yet! (TAKE, AD LIBS) I don't think you're kiddin, are ya? Hey, Cathy, you'd better get over here right away! Don't walk, RUN to the nearest exit! (SWITCH, TEARFUL) Alice, how can you do this to me? Kissin' another man! And in front o' my pet sheepdog! JULIUS: I ain't no sheepdog! HARRIS: Sorry, Fritz. I keep forgettin' you're an Airdale. JULIUS: I'm the electrician! HARRIS: That's the last straw! It ain't bad enough that my wife's kissin' another man, but I gotta pay an electrician three dollars an hour to watch 'em! JULIUS: FOUR dollars. I'm a union man. HARRIS: All right, all right. (SWITCH, TEARFUL) Alice, how can you do this to me? I've been a good husband. Why are you in this man's arms? Why are you kissin' him? FAYE: It's your own fault. HARRIS: MY fault? FAYE: Yes. You wouldn't buy me a television set, and I've gotta do SOMETHING after I finish the dishes! HARRIS: You could try kissin' me! FAYE: Nah, I'd rather do the dishes over again. HARRIS: Well, I'm not gonna stand for this! I'm not gonna-- FRANKIE: Ah, don't get excited, Harris. Take it easy. Relax. Sit down in your easy chair. JULIUS: Yeah. Siddown, turn on the light, kiss your mother, and phone somebody. HARRIS: All right. I'll just sit here in my-- (TAKE) Wait a minute! Why is everybody holdin' their ears??? Wait a minute! There's somethin' funny goin' on in here! JULIUS: It's just your imagination, Mack. What you need is somethin' to relax ya. Why don't ya go upstairs and take a nice cold needle shower? FRANKIE: (CONSPIRATORIAL) What are ya tellin' him to do that for? JULIUS: (CONSIPIRATORIAL) I got the shower rigged too. When he comes outta there, he'll look like a punchboard. FRANKIE: (CONSPIRATORIAL) You mean...? JULIUS: (CONSPIRATORIAL) Real needles. HARRIS: Yeah, I could take a nice sho-- (SWITCH) Nah, I don't feel like takin' a shower. JULIUS: This guy ain't co-operatin'! FAYE: (TO HARRIS) Oh, it's just the dark room that's making you nervous, dear. Why don't you... turn the lamp on? HARRIS: All right, I'll turn the la-- (TAKE) Wait a minute! Now, why is everybody duckin' behind chairs??? I don't trust anybody here! There's only one person that I can trust in this house, and that's my baby! And I'm goin' into the nursery and talk to little Herman. FRANKIE: Why don't you phone him first, and see if he's awake? JULIUS: Let him go in the nursery. I booby-trapped that dopey-lookin' ragdoll ya got in there. FAYE: Dopey-look-- Oh no! That dopey-looking ragdoll is our baby! We've got to stop him before he-- SFX: HUGE EXPLOSION WITH FALLING RUBBLE, OFF JULIUS: (PAUSE) Too late. SFX: DOOR OPENS HARRIS: (CALLS, OFF-MIKE) Hey, Alice! You better change the baby's formula! He's burpin' awful loudly! SFX: DOOR CLOSES FAYE: Thank goodness my baby's all right. (SWITCH) Oh, I feel faint, I-- I've got to sit down in-- JULIUS: Not in the easy chair, Lady! Not in the easy-- SFX: EXPLOSION JULIUS: I wonder if she got hurt. FRANKIE: I'd better turn the lamp on and see. JULIUS: Not that lamp, Mister! Not-- SFX: MACHINE GUN FIRE, UNDER, THEN OUT FRANKIE: (TWO GROANS, THEN DIES) SFX: THUD OF BODY ON FLOOR JULIUS: WHY DON'T NOBODY LISTEN TO ME??? HARRIS: Oh, this is awful! My wife and this man, both dead! I'd better call the police! JULIUS: NOT THAT PHONE, MISTER!!! SFX: RECEIVER LIFTED ... LOUD ELECTRICAL BUZZ, UNDER HARRIS: Operator? Get me the police. JULIUS: How do you like that? Thirty thousand volts in that phone, and all that happens is his nose lights up! MUSIC: BIG FINISH, THEN OUT FORMAN: Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. Jascha Heifetz, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Vladimir Horowitz, Arturo Toscanini and the NBC Symphony Orchesta. These names are high on the Honour Roll of the World's Greatest Musicians. And these are just a few of the outstanding artists whose unforgettable performances are included in RCA Victor's exciting new Collector's Issue recordings. Here, supplementing the already famous RCA Victor Treasury of Immortal Performances, are seventeen albums and four single records of tremendous artistic and historical interest. You'll hear Sergei Rachmaninoff playing his own Second Piano Concerto in C Minor, Petro Mascagni conducting the La Scala Orchestra and Chorus in his immortal opera "Cavalleria Rusticana", stage and screen actor Laurence Olivier reciting four monologues from "Hamlet", Richard Crooks, John Charles Thomas, Fritz Kreisler, and many, many others. These superb performances were formerly heard only on seventy-eight RPM records. Now, in the Collector's Issue, they are yours to enjoy whenever you want, on Long Play and on RCA Victor's incomparable forty-five. So, enrich your record collection, as well as your own musical pleasure, with the RCA Victor's Collector's Issue, available now, at your nearest dealer's store. MUSIC: RCA VICTOR FANFARE, THEN "ROSE ROOM", THEN OUT HARRIS: This is Phil again. The Red Cross has asked us to appeal again for blood donors. So, sign up, and help the guys fighting in Korea. And if you haven't made your donation to the Red Cross Fund this year, please sit down and mail that cheque today. Thanks, and goodnight, everybody. FAYE: Goodnight, everybody. MUSIC: CLOSING THEME UP, AND UNDER FORMAN: This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Paula Victor, Gale Gordon, Hans Conried, Joseph Kearns, and Ollie O'Toole. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliott Lewis. And Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Remember, whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrola phonograph, or a record, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA VICTOR, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television! MUSIC: CLOSING THEME CONTINUES, THEN QUICK FADE OUT ANNCR: Hear Hedda Hopper, next over many NBC stations! NBC CHIMES