MUSIC: DRUM ROLL ... ESTABLISH THEME, THEN OUT (MISSING INTRO & COMMERCIAL) LES: This week, we're-- ELLIOTT: (AS REMLEY) Hey, Les, how come you keep that guy around? LES: You mean our announcer? Well, he-- ELLIOTT: I suppose you pay him good money for announcing this show. LES: Would you-- ELLIOTT: Anybody can do what he does. Why don't you do the commercials yourself, and save the dough? LES: Well, I-- ELLIOTT: Like I'm always tellin' Phil Harris, why throw your money around, unless you get some fun out of it? Now, with what you could save, we could have ourselves a real time. (CONSIPIRATORIALLY) Listen, Les... I know a coupla lady wrestlers who-- LES: (CHUCKLING) And, of course, by this time, ladies and gentlemen, you've recognized the voice of Elliott Lewis, who created that outstanding character, Frank Remley, Phil Harris' bosom pal, on the Phil Harris and Alice Faye popular program. And a host of other roles on many of the top radio shows. It's a great pleasure to have Elliott Lewis as the co-star of this week's play. ELLIOTT: (AS HIMSELF) Well, thank you very much, Les. And, seriously, he's a darn good announcer. I was just giving him a Frankie routine. LES: Well, that Remley routine has caused lots of people trouble, but, uh, will you stand by while we present your co-star, the young lady who originated the role of Jane, on "My Friend Irma", and who has been featured on "Sam Spade", "Suspense", and a score of other big radio shows, lovely Cathy Lewis. CATHY: Thank you, Les. This is like old times. And remembering how nice it was working with you when we did "Strange Victory" together. It should be fun. LES: I agree heartily. And, uh, I'll see both of you after the play, huh? CATHY: We'll be here. ELLIOTT: We wouldn't miss it, Les. LES: Cathy and Elliott Lewis will be back, as themeselves, after the play. But now, here is our announcer. (MISSING COMMERCIAL) MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDO, THEN ROMANTIC ... ESTABLISH, THEN OUT MUSIC: CURTAIN UP LES: The curtain is up, and here is the play. MUSIC: CHORD, THEN OUT SFX: "OFFICE" AMBIENCE, MANY TYPEWRITERS, ETC., UNDER KIRK: Gee, Monty, how's a fellow supposed to do his work, with all that noise going on? MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: Gee, I never though o' that. SFX: WALKS TO DOOR ... CLOSES IT SFX: "OFFICE" AMBIENCE OUT SFX: WALKS BACK TO HIS DESK, UNDER KIRK: Ah, you were right, Monty; it is quieter with the door shut. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: Sure, two heads are better than one. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. "I wear Snuggles Underwear because..." Oh, no... that's no good. Why WOULD anyone wear Snuggles Underwear? MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: No! No, that wouldn't do. It's too suggestive. Please! Now, lemme see... MONTY: (STARTS GROWLING AT (X), RISING TO HOWLS) KIRK: "I wear Snuggles Underwear (X) because they make me feel so well-groomed." No, that isn't it. What are you growling at? MONTY: (GROWLS) KIRK: Oh! Well, don't growl at the boss, Monty! It isn't etiquette! Shhh, quiet. SFX: DOOR OPENS ... BOSS WALKS IN, UNDER BOSS: Well, well, well. A boy and his dog, right in the heart of the Beamis Advertising Company. Isn't that a lovely sight? KIRK: (TOO EAGER) Thank you, Mr. Beamis. I- I had him pose for the dog food ad, this morning. BOSS: Oh? KIRK: A- and look at the trick I just taught him. BOSS: A trick? KIRK: Oh yeah, sure! I touch his paw like this. Then, when I give the signal, he starts running around, yelping and holding his paw. Now- now watch. Uh, Lame Dog. MONTY: (YELPS & HOWLS PITEOUSLY) KIRK: All right, Monty. Well Dog. All right. (CHUCKLES) You see? He limps and holds his paw, just as though he were hurt. BOSS: Very convincing. KIRK: Uh-huh. BOSS: And what has THAT to do with Snuggles Underwear? KIRK: Uh, well... I haven't exactly thought of the tie-up yet. BOSS: There isn't any tie-up! But I hope you're both very happy working for me. KIRK: Oh yes, Mr. Beamis! We're both happy with the Beamis Advertising Company! Especially Monty. BOSS: Well, the Beamis Advertising Company isn't happy with YOU! KIRK: Why, Mr. Beamis, just this morning, you said I was the most useful piece of average Americana in this office. BOSS: That was BEFORE you fired the Douglas girl! KIRK: The Douglas gir--? Oh, yes. That new copywriter somebody hired yesterday. Well, one piece of her copy was enough. I didn't even bother seeing her. BOSS: (MIMICKING) I didn't even bother seeing her. KIRK: Well, we won't miss her, Boss. BOSS: Huh! KIRK: I think I still have her work on my desk. Yeah, here it is. Get a load o' this, Chief. "Wear it in sleet or rain or storm, Snuggle in Snuggles and always be warm." (CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY) Poetry by Miss Douglas. BOSS: It might interest you to know, Mr. Kirk Kilbridge, that Miss Douglas happens to be the daughter of the HEAD OF THE SNUGGLES UNDERWEAR COMPANY! KIRK: Yeah, w...(BEAT) Well, how was I to know? She said her name was Douglas, not... Snuggles! BOSS: And your name'll be mud, unless you get that girl back here before we lose the Snuggles account! KIRK: But I don't even know what she looks like! BOSS: Fortunately, her father sent me a picture of her, this morning. He had an idea that she was going to try to get a job here, without revealing her identity. KIRK: Well, why should she want a job here? BOSS: It seems Miss Douglas doesn't think that the advertising job we've been doing for her dad is so hot. KIRK: Oh. BOSS: Lucky we got the letter and the picture in this morning's mail. First thing that I knew, she was working here. Now, take a good look at that picture! KIRK: Y- yes, Mr. B. (BEAT) I fired THAT??? BOSS: The kid had an idea that she wanted to get by on her own. And you better see that she continues to think that she's doing just that. KIRK: But how will I find her? Where'll I look? BOSS: I don't know. Wherever girls go, their first week in New York! Statue of Liberty, Grant's Tomb, the Empire State Building... And if you don't find her, you can JUMP OFF! And don't come back here without her! KIRK: Well, it's just like looking for a needle in a haystack. BOSS: Try Central Park, then. It's spring. AND TAKE THAT BLOODHOUND WITH YOU! MONTY: (BARKS) MUSIC: LIGHT COMIC TRANSITIONAL, INCORPORATING "SPRING SONG" SFX: "CITY PARK" AMBIENCE, UNDER SFX: KIRK WALKS SLOWLY, UNDER KIRK: Well, we've tried the Statue of Liberty, Grant's Tomb, the Aquarium, the Empire State Building... D'ya ever know Central Park was this big, Monty? MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: Yeah, I know. But that last week's salary isn't gonna last forever. If I could just find that Douglas girl. (BEAT) Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that the girl on the picture? MONTY: (BARKS HAPPILY) KIRK: It is! Come on, Monty! SFX: HE WALKS QUICKLY, UNDER KIRK: We'll follow her until I get a bright idea. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: Well, I do get 'em sometimes. All right. There was the time I suggested the slogan for the tire campaign. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: Marvellous! Marvellous idea! What would I do without you? That's a wonderful idea! All right, come on. Let's sneak over close to her without being seen. MONTY: (QUIET NOISES & PANTING) KIRK: (WHISPERING) Just be quiet. SFX: QUIET, SNEAKY WALKING KIRK: (WHISPERING) All right. Now. Go to her, Monty. Lame Dog. Lame Dog. MONTY: (YELPING & WHIMPERING PITEOUSLY, UNDER) JUNE: Oh... Oh, you poor little doggie. Oh... KIRK: (APPROACHING, CALLING) Monty? JUNE: You must have hurt your paw. KIRK: (APPROACHING) Monty? (RUSHING TO MONTY, UPSET) What's the matter, Monty? (STERNLY, TO JUNE) Did you step on his paw? JUNE: Oh dear. Oh... I- I don't think I did. I- I mean, I didn't notice it, and-- KIRK: (TAKING CHARGE) Well, here, here. Would you mind holding him just a minute? JUNE: Oh, sure. KIRK: There must be a phone near here. I'll get the best veterinarian in town. I'd kill myself if anything happened to Monty. JUNE: Oh, I'll hold him. You go ahead and call. KIRK: Yeah, well, don't put him down on the ground. JUNE: I won't. KIRK: All right. I'll be right back. MUSIC: SCAMPERING DESCENDING COMIC TRANSITION ... SCAMPERING ASCENDING COMIC TRANSITION KIRK: (APPROACHING) I guess the vet must be outta town or something. He didn't answer. JUNE: Oh. What are you doing? KIRK: Well, I'll... have to rip my shirt up and make (THINKING OF THE WORD) a- a- a compress. Or something. SFX: RIP OF CLOTH MONTY: (WHIMPERING QUIETLY, UNDER) JUNE: Oh, I see. KIRK: M-hm. JUNE: Uh, you can dampen it. In this fountain. KIRK: Hm? Oh, yes. Good idea. SFX: STEPS TO FOUNTAIN ... SWIRLS CLOTH IN WATER, UNDER KIRK: All right now. There. Uh-huh. This'll fix it, (TENDERLY) Monty, old son. JUNE: Ah... It's wonderful to find a man who loves animals so much. KIRK: M-hm. JUNE: Here in New York City, I mean. KIRK: Oh? Are you a stranger here? JUNE: Oh, yes. Yes, just been here a few days. KIRK: Oh. JUNE: I- isn't that an awfully big bandage you're putting on? KIRK: Well, I wear a very big-sized shirt. JUNE: Yes, I see you do. KIRK: Uh... Where are you from? JUNE: Oh, a small manufacturing town in Pennsylvania. KIRK: Oh. JUNE: Uh, what should we do about, uh, about Monty? KIRK: Oh, well, better get him home. I live right near here. You, uh, wouldn't want to help me get him home? He seems so comfortable in your arms. Uh, besides, I think it would be dangerous to move him now. JUNE: Oh, of course I'll help you! KIRK: Oh. JUNE: He's a wonderful dog! KIRK: Oh, yes. Best of Breed in his last show. JUNE: Really? KIRK: He isn't too heavy for you? JUNE: No, I'm fine. MUSIC: TING, THEN COMIC TRANSITION INCORPORATING "WHILE STROLLING THROUGH THE PARK ONE DAY" SFX: THEY WALK TOGETHER, UNDER KIRK: This is the building, right here. Lucky I live near the park, huh? SFX: BUILDING DOOR OPENS ... THEY ENTER LOBBY ELEV.: Goin' up? KIRK: Yes, thank you. SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES ... WHIRR OF ELEVATOR MOTOR ELEV.: Evening, Mr. Kilbridge. Somethin' wrong with Monty? JUNE: Is your name Kilbridge? KIRK: Well, uh (POINTEDLY) someone stepped on his paw. JUNE: Oh, uh... and I'm really very sorry. I do hope no bones are broken. SFX: ELEVATOR SLOWS TO A STOP, UNDER KIRK: Well, that remains to be seen. JUNE: Hm. ELEV.: Second floor. SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS KIRK: Oh, yes. That's where we get off. SFX: THEY STEP OUT INTO HALLWAY, AND WALK, UNDER KIRK: Uh, suppose Monty can walk now? JUNE: Oh... Uh, I'll carry him. KIRK: All right. It's not far. It's right here. SFX: UNLOCKS & OPENS APARTMENT DOOR ... THEY STEP IN KIRK: There we are. Here we are. Now, uh, you hold him here on the sofa. SFX: CLOSES DOOR KIRK: I'll go get some, uh, uh, liniment. SFX: WALKS AWAY MONTY: (WHIMPERS) JUNE: Fine. Poor doggie. Does it hurt very much? MONTY: (PANTING) JUNE: Oh... Let's see if there are any broken bones, huh? MONTY: (WHIMPERS) JUNE: Bandage is big enough to make an elephant limp. All right. It's all a bit of a job, but just taking the bandage off, and-- MONTY: (BARKS LOUDLY, AND SCAMPERS OFF) JUNE: Hey! Hey... There's nothing wrong with his paw. He scooted out of my lap like a greyhound. KIRK: (APPROACHING) Well, here I am with the liniment. Uh, where's Monty? JUNE: Uh, well, I- I took the bandage off, and he just-- KIRK: (CALLING) Monty? JUNE: Wait a minute. KIRK: Hm? JUNE: I have an idea this is all a big hoax. Is this a new angle for getting girls up to your apartment? KIRK: No, it's just a sort of a trick I taught Monty to amuse-- JUNE: I've heard about you New York wolves. KIRK: You've...? JUNE: Where's my purse? Of all the mean, low, contemptible... KIRK: (TRYING TO TALK HIS WAY OUT OF IT) Don't you see, I had to speak to you, Miss Douglas, and that was the only way I had of get-- JUNE: How did you know my name? KIRK: Now, just wait a minute. Sit down again. Have a drink. Have... something to eat. Maybe you'd like to hear some new recordings? JUNE: No, I wouldn't. And I don't want to see your etchings either. You let me out of here! Or do I have to scream? KIRK: You do me a grave injustice, Miss Douglas. My intentions are purely businesslike. JUNE: I'm quite sure of it. KIRK: Yeah, well-- Now, look. I'm Kirk Kilbridge, Head of the Copy Department of the Beamis Advertising Company. JUNE: The man who fired me, without giving me half a chance... KIRK: (THINKING FAST) Now, I saw your first bit of poetry, and I saw red. You see, I love poetry, and yours was very good. JUNE: Thank you. KIRK: Why, it was TOO good for commercialization. I... just couldn't see putting wonderful poetry like that on a billboard. Or hearing it used for one o' those (DISGUSTED) jingles on the radio. JUNE: (SUSPICIOUS) You really mean that? KIRK: I love poetry. I spend practically all my time reading Keats and Shelley and... er... the other guys. And it seemed like sacrilege. JUNE: Hmm. And what made you decide, after firing me, to try and find me again? KIRK: Frankly, it was the Boss. Mr. Beamis himself. He saw your copy on my desk; he read it, and then he said, "Kirk Kilbridge, your name'll be mud, unless you get that girl back here." JUNE: And you found me in the park? KIRK: After I'd searched the whole city for you. JUNE: And you used Monty to... pick me up? KIRK: Yeah. That was it. JUNE: (CHUCKLE) That was very cute. KIRK: Oh? JUNE: I forgive you. (CHUCKLES, WITH A SLIGHT SARCASM. SHE SEES RIGHT THROUGH HIM, AND WILL STRING HIM ALONG.) KIRK: (RELIEVED CHUCKLE) Oh. Yeah, well... Would you like to hear those recordings now? JUNE: I'd love to. KIRK: And afterwards, we can read poetry together, maybe? JUNE: You really do like poetry. KIRK: And then, dinner together? I know a marvellous little French restaurant in the Village, that serves French food that they haven't even heard of in France. JUNE: It sounds entrancing. KIRK: Gee, you're a wonderful girl, Miss Douglas. I- I know you'll like the place. JUNE: I'm sure I will. KIRK: Sure. JUNE: And while we're eating dinner, you can tell me how you knew what I looked like. KIRK: Hm? JUNE: You never saw me at the advertising company, but you DID recognize me in the park. (WARNING) And the story better be good. MUSIC: ACT I CURTAIN LES: We'll return in just a moment, with Act Two of the Movietown Radio Theatre's presentation of "The Bachelor and the Fox Terrier", starring Cathy and Elliott Lewis. And now, here is our announcer. (MISSING COMMERCIAL) MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDO, THEN ROMANTIC ... ESTABLISH, THEN OUT MUSIC: BAND (FIDDLE, SAX, ACCORDION) ... ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER JULIE: You didn't tell me about the music. KIRK: I was saving that for a surprise. JULIE: Oh. (QUOTING) Music is the poetry of the air. KIRK: Hm? JULIE: (KNOWING CHUCKLE) That's a quotation from Richter. KIRK: Oh, Richter! JULIE: Uh-huh. KIRK: Very fond of him. JULIE: Do you eat here often? KIRK: Oh, not very. It's a long trip, alone. JULIE: Oh. KIRK: WE could eat here often, though. (BEAT) Have you a boyfriend? JULIE: I just got to New York. KIRK: Well, that doesn't answer my question. JULIE: Uh, well, I... I did have a boyfriend back home. KIRK: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. JULIE: (LETS HIM SUFFER A MOMENT, THEN) But that was in the sixth grade. I've never been really serious about anyone since then. MUSIC: BAND FINISHES KIRK: I haven't got a girlfriend. JULIE: (QUIETLY) Oh. KIRK: Did I tell you you're very beautiful? JULIE: Yes, you did. But you haven't told me how you knew what I look like, even though you hadn't seen me at the Beamis Advertising Company. KIRK: Er, uh, oh, I'm glad you brought that up. You- you sorta made me forget about business. Uh, (DETERMINED) I want you to come back to the agency, June, starting tomorrow. JULIE: (FEIGNED SURPRISE) Oh! Oh, and what about committing sacrilege by using my poetry in advertising? KIRK: I think maybe I was wrong. I WAS wrong. I was WRONG. The world deserves to hear about Snuggles Underwear in poetry. JULIE: (SARCASTIC SMILE) Oh, Kirk. KIRK: Hm? JULIE: You're so understanding. SFX: TRANSITION (RESTAURANT BAND), THEN OUT BOSS: Morning, Kirk! KIRK: Morning, Chief! BOSS: Good work getting the Douglas girl back. Always knew you had the right stuff in you! KIRK: Ah, thanks, Chief. She's handing in good copy too. Here, listen to this. SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER KIRK: "Held together by hand-sewn stitch, Snuggles Underwear will never itch." SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER BOSS: Good??? Are you crazy or kidding? KIRK: Now, don't underestimate the power of poetry, Mr. Beamis. "Music and poetry are the two greatest powers of our emotional existence. And music is the poetry of the air." That's a quotation from Richter. BOSS: Who is Richter? KIRK: A famous poet. BOSS: We don't want any poetry around here! KIRK: Well, what do we do about June? Uh, Miss Douglas, I mean. BOSS: Well, let her write it, if she wants to. Keep her happy. But don't use any o' that... that stuff. Don't let a little blonde hair warp your judgement, my boy. KIRK: No, sir. BOSS: Maybe you were better off with your dog. KIRK: Oh, uh, Monty and Miss Douglas get along fine, sir. BOSS: Good, good! Keep them together. And OUT OF OUR ADVERTISING! SFX: WALKS OUT, SLAMMING DOOR KIRK: (TO HIMSELF) This is very hard on my creative genius. SFX: KNOCKING ON DOOR KIRK: (CALLING) Come in? SFX: DOOR OPENS KIRK: Oh, June! I'm sorry. I thought it was somebody else. SFX: SHE STEPS IN JULIE: Well, you told me to let you know when it was twelve-thirty. KIRK: Oh, is it twelve--? (SHE SEES RIGHT THROUGH HIM, AND IS STRINGING HIM ALONG) JULIE: (SWEETLY) You don't have to take me to lunch, if you're busy, though. KIRK: Well, of course I wanna take you to lunch! JULIE: Did you like my new poem? KIRK: Y...es. JULIE: I thought up another one. "Be well-dressed like Adolphe Menjou, wear Snuggles. They'll never creep up ON you." (CHUCKLES) KIRK: (BEAT) Let's go to lunch. MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL - PLAYFUL, THEN A BIT WEARY KIRK: Honestly, Monty, I don't know what to do. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: You see, I'm so much in love with her that this poetry business is... beginning to sound good. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: But when Mr. Beamis is around, it doesn't sound so good any more. MONTY: (BARKS, THEN MAKES QUIETER NOISES, UNDER) KIRK: Oh, shh! Quiet, now! You know he doesn't like my having you in the office. SFX: DOOR OPENS BOSS: Morning, Kirk. KIRK: Morning, sir. SFX: BOSS WALKS IN BOSS: Got the national magazine campaign ready? KIRK: Yes, sir! Here it is. I'll just keep this last carbon copy on my desk. SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER BOSS: Looks pretty good. KIRK: M-hm. BOSS: Have Snyder send it to the printer's. KIRK: Well, thank you. That's a load off my mind. SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER KIRK: Now, all I have to do is line up the radio commercials. BOSS: That shouldn't be too tough. You can use some of the same material in the magazine campaign. KIRK: Yes, sir. BOSS: And remember... SFX: WALKING TO DOOR, UNDER BOSS: (FADING. WARNING) No poetry! KIRK: Yes, sir. No, sir. SFX: DOOR SLAMS KIRK: Oh... Now, let's see... SFX: DOOR OPENS ... JUNE WALKS IN JULIE: Good morning, dear. KIRK: Oh! June. I didn't hear you come in. (BEAT) Oh, you look lovely today. JULIE: Thank you. What's that? KIRK: Hm? Oh, it's just the magazine campaign copy. Dinner tonight? JULIE: Mm... SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPERS JULIE: Well. This is the ad Curtis wrote. SFX: RUSTLE OF ANOTHER PAGE JULIE: This is Johnson's copy. SFX: ANOTHER PAGE JULIE: I guess you wrote this one. KIRK: M-hm. SFX: ANOTHER PAGE JULIE: You haven't used ONE of my ads. KIRK: Well, we'll probably be able to fit your poems into the radio campaign a little easier. Maybe. JULIE: Maybe. You haven't used ONE of my poems, and I'm getting sore! You use all the same old stuff you've been using ever since Father first-- I- I mean, uh, ever- ever since...heaven knows when. KIRK: We've done a pretty good job of building up sales. JULIE: But you're too stubborn to try anything else. You don't know how much one of my poems might build up sales. KIRK: I have an idea. JULIE: There you go, with your snide remarks again! KIRK: What? JULIE: If you aren't going to use my material, why did you hire me back? KIRK: Because Beamis said I had to. JULIE: (EXASPERATED SIGH) And he won't even talk to me about my work! KIRK: Let's not fight, dear. You're working here. And you might get a chance to sell Beamis some of your ideas, one of these days. And after all, your father IS satisfied with-- JULIE: (OUTRAGED GASP) KIRK: (REALIZES) Ooh. JULIE: Then you knew all along who I was. KIRK: That was a slip. JULIE: I'll say it was! That act in the park makes sense now. And so does your cheap love-making! KIRK: No, I meant every word o' that. JULIE: You haven't got a sincere bone in your body! (TEARFUL) I'm quitting, that's what I'm doing! I- I- I'll get a job somewhere else. Maybe even with a competitor! KIRK: No, but I love you, June! And so does Monty. JULIE: (TEARFUL) Well, I hate you! And I hate Monty too! (CRYING) Ohhh... MUSIC: GLOOMILY COMIC TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT SFX: "CITY PARK" AMBIENCE, UNDER KIRK: Two weeks is a long time, Monty. MONTY: (WHIMPERS SYMPATHETICALLY) KIRK: Fourteen days. Let's face it, Monty, we miss her. And it isn't only because of Beamis getting sore either. MONTY: (BARKS) KIRK: You know, it was at this very spot that we first saw her, Monty? I touched your paw like that. And I said, "Lame Dog". MONTY: (GOES INTO HIS "LAME DOG" ACT, YELPING & WHIMPERING PITEOUSLY, UNDER) KIRK: No, Monty, not now. I'm just- I'm just rem-- Stop it. Monty, will you quit it? Monty, cut it out! No more! CONCH: Here, come here, you poor little doggie. I'll hold you in my arms. (POINTEDLY) Even if that cruel man won't do anything but yell at you. KIRK: No, no, he's not hurt. CONCH: How can you be so cruel? I ought to report you to the- to the Inhumane Society; that's what I ought to do! KIRK: Oh, it's just a trick. CONCH: A fine trick! Letting a poor little dog like that suffer! Go and get a dog doctor! A- a vegetarian! KIRK: That's en-- CONCH: You can't let this dog suffer! KIRK: He's not suffering-- CONCH: Not suffering??? Look at the poor little dear! MONTY: (HOWLS PITEOUSLY) CONCH: Take off your shirt! KIRK: My shirt? CONCH: Of course. We- we have to make a bandage for the poor little dear's foot. Don't you see him limping? KIRK: No, look, you don't understand. I simply touched his paw. He's doing a-- CONCH: Are you going to take your shirt off, or shall I take it off for you? KIRK: I'll take it off. SFX: RIP OF CLOTH KIRK: There. CONCH: There, that's better. Now, to dip it in the fountain... SFX: CLOTH SWIRLED IN WATER CONCH: There. Now, I make a bandage... KIRK: (QUICKLY, TRYING TO GET AWAY) Fine. Good. That's a very nice bandage. He'll be all right now. Thank you very much. Goodbye. I'll take him home. CONCH: Conchita does not trust you. I will go home with you. KIRK: Really, I can take care of him myself! CONCH: Oh, you ARE a cruel man! I insist on going with you! Where do you live? KIRK: Right over there, but it isn't necessary-- CONCH: It certainly IS necessary! KIRK: No, I can manage, really, very nicely without you-- CONCH: I wouldn't even let you CARRY this adorable dog! KIRK: Okay, you carry him. The big ham! CONCH: Don't you try any tricks, now! And if you try and get rid of me, I will call the police! MUSIC: COMICALLY MENACING MEXICAN TRANSITION, THEN OUT SFX: APT. BUILDING DOOR OPENS ... THEY WALK IN, UNDER ELEV.: Goin' up? KIRK: (MISERABLY) Mm. SFX: THEY WALK INTO ELEVATOR ELEV.: Evenin', Mr. Kilbridge. SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES, UNDER KIRK: (MUMBLES) Evenin'. ELEV.: Monty hurt? KIRK: (MUMBLES) No. CONCH: Yes! SFX: WHIRR OF ELEVATOR MOTOR, UNDER ELEV.: I just took a young lady up-- CONCH: Oh, will you stop this talking! The dog is hurt! ELEV.: Yes, ma'am. SFX: ELEVATOR MOTOR WHIRS TO A STOP ELEV.: Here's your floor. SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS KIRK: (MUMBLES) Thank you. SFX: JUNE WALKS TO THE ELEVATOR JULIE: (APPROACHING. DREAMILY) Oh, Kirk, I had to see you. KIRK: (SURPRISED) June! JULIE: I was wrong. CONCH: Oh, MORE conversation! And with this, with this poor little doggie hurt! JULIE: (AGHAST) Oh...! Another easy pick-up! KIRK: Oh, certainly not! CONCH: Conchita is no pick-up! ELEV.: You folks gettin' out? JULIE: (IMPERIOUSLY) Take me down, please. CONCH: (SEETHING) Oh! Let us out! (TEARFUL) This poor little doggie is hurt! SFX: ELEVATOR BUZZER STARTS SOUNDING, AT (X) KIRK: Now, listen, June, this (X) woman wished herself on me. CONCH: Oh! Conchita does not wish herself on anybody! SFX: BUZZER OUT AT (X) ELEV.: Will you folks please make up your mind (X) whether you're gettin' out or not? SFX: BUZZER RESUMES, UNDER JULIE: Look, uh, Conchita, or whatever your name is... SFX: BUZZER OUT CONCH: (SEETHING) Conchita, si! SFX: BUZZER STARTS AT (X) JULIE: This is just a little trick of (X) Mr. Kilbridge's. CONCH: Yes, he did say it was a trick. JULIE: Just a cheap trick to pick up defenseless women. CONCH: OOH! I have been taken in! LET ME OUT! ELEV.: Goin' down. SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES ... WHIRR OF ELEVATOR MOTOR, STARTING AT (X) KIRK: P- p- please, June, don't leave just yet. If- if (X) you'll just let me explain! It was all Monty's fault. JULIE: A likely story! KIRK: No, really, it-- MONTY: (LOUD BARKING) KIRK: Oh, Monty, be quiet! SFX: MOTOR WHIRRS TO A STOP ... ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS CONCH: (FURIOUS) I go now. Here! Take your- your CONFEDERATE! (SHOVES MONTY INTO KIRK'S ARMS) MONTY: (BARKS LOUDLY) SFX: CONCHITA STORMS OUT KIRK: Yeah, thank you. (DESPERATELY) June-- JULIE: And the next time, you'd better get a new act! This one's a little worn out! Goodbye! MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING, INTO A SAD HANGING NOTE, UNDER KIRK: (TEARFUL) Monty, we'll have to get a new act. We've lost June. And I'm running out o' shirts. MUSIC: TRANSITION WITH A WORLD-WEARY FINISH KIRK: "I wear Snuggles Underwear because..." (MISERABLE SIGH) No. It's no use, Monty, my heart just isn't in Snuggles Underwear. It's been two weeks since I've seen June, and-- (LOOKS AROUND) Monty? (TO HIMSELF) Hey, where's my dog? (LOOKING UNDER DESK) Here? (SADLY) Guess he's tired of my company too. SFX: DOOR OPENS ... BOSS WALKS IN BOSS: (SERIOUSLY) Kirk? KIRK: Hm? BOSS: I want to talk to you. KIRK: Well, I'm glad SOMEONE wants to talk to me. BOSS: I'm afraid you won't be very happy with what I want to talk to you about. KIRK: I suppose it's about the Douglas girl again. She's gotten a job with a competitor; we're threatened with losing the account, and you want me to get her back here again, OR ELSE. BOSS: I've got her back. KIRK: (LIKE A DROWNING MAN SEEING A RAFT) How did you do it, Boss? Where is she? How long's she been back? BOSS: Well, I... I had to promise to use some of her poetry. Got her back, a week ago. But she's back in Johnson's office. She's turning out reams of poetry, only... she refuses to submit it through you. Says she'll have nothing to do with you, whatsoever. KIRK: So? BOSS: So, I'm afraid, Kirk, that I'll have to find a new copy chief. Can't have dissentions in the ranks. KIRK: (POINTEDLY) And her old man DOES own the Snuggles Underwear Company. BOSS: Oh, I'm sure you'll find something, Kirk. Cashier has two weeks' pay ready for you. SFX: WALKS TO THE DOOR, UNDER BOSS: (FADING) Good luck, my boy. SFX: DOOR SLAM KIRK: (MIMICKING, BITTERLY) Good luck, my boy. So, that's why Monty walked out on me too. Thought I wouldn't be able to afford his dog food. Wonder where he went. SFX: DOOR OPENS ... JUNE RUSHES IN, PULLED BY MONTY MONTY: (BARKING LOUDLY) JULIE: (FURIOUS) So! You took my advice, and taught your dog a new trick! KIRK: (IN DISBELIEF) June! JULIE: A fine trick! Teaching him to tear women's dresses! Just look at that! KIRK: Monty did th--? JULIE: Well, let me tell you something, Kirk Kilbridge! You'll have to have my dress fixed for me! KIRK: Well, I will. I'll even buy you a new dress. We'll go right over and pick one out. JULIE: Oh- oh but, Kirk-- KIRK: Only... Only, could it be a blue dress? Please, June? You look so wonderful in blue. JULIE: (MELTING) Oh, I suppose it could be a blue dress. KIRK: And could we stop and have a bite of lunch together first? It IS lunchtime, you know? Then we could buy the dress. JULIE: Oh, Kirk, I- I- (BEAT) I made Monty tear my dress. He- he wandered into my office, and he nudged me with his muzzle, and... and... and... (DREAMILY) He made me think of you. KIRK: Oh? JULIE: A- and I was too embarrassed to just walk into you, and... Then I thought, if I could make it look as though he- he'd... Well, I... I don't even care if you ARE a wolf. A- and if you don't like poetry. KIRK: Oh, but I do! A- and I'm not a wolf. And this is all wonderful, June. Why, it even moves ME to poetry. JULIE: It does? KIRK: Sure! Listen to this: "When a fella's got a girl who's cute and sweet and pretty; and a car and a house and a lot, it really is a pity." JULIE: What's a pity? KIRK: If he isn't wearing Snuggles Underwear! JULIE: Oh... (LAUGHING) MONTY: (BARKING HAPPILY, UNDER) KIRK: (SMILING, AS HE EMBRACES HER) Oh, June, we can make such wonderful poetry together! MUSIC: ACT II CURTAIN LES: And the curtain falls on Act Two of the Movietown Radio Theatre's presentation of "The Bachelor and the Fox Terrier", co-starring Cathy and Elliott Lewis, who return in just a moment. (MISSING COMMERCIAL) LES: And our stars, Cathy and Elliott Lewis. Kids, you really lived up to your reputation as Mr. and Mrs. Radio. CATHY: We had a lot of fun doing the show, Les, if that means anything. LES: Well, you know you can't play comedy unless you do have fun, Cathy, and you and Elliott did a great job. ELLIOTT: Oh, thanks, Les. And thanks too, to the other members of the cast. As always, they were great. You know, Cathy and I listen to your program every time we can, and we've been wondering... When are YOU going to star again? LES: (CHUCKLES) Well, in a few weeks, Elliott. And I'm really looking forward to it. ELLIOTT: Well, we'll be listening. LES: Thank you. In the meantime, we have some great picture stars lined up. ELLIOTT: Well, we'll be listening for them too, Les. Now, goodbye, and thank you. CATHY: Bye! LES: Thank you, Cathy and Elliott Lewis. MUSIC: THEME UP, ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER LES: In the cast, you heard our stars, Elliott Lewis as Kirk; Cathy Lewis as June. Mr. Beamis was played by Earl Ross. Conchita, by June Foray. And the part of Monty the Fox Terrier was played by Charlie Lund.??Each week, we present an entirely different type of radio story: drama, comedy, romance, tragedy, and so forth. And each week, we present a star, usually a great star in the entertainment world, in stories especially written for them. So, try and be with us each and every week, won't you? Music for the Movietown Radio Theatre was composed and conducted by Del Castillo. "The Bachelor and the Fox Terrier" was written for radio by Helen Wald and Bud Lesser. Produced and directed by yours truly, Les Mitchell. MUSIC: THEME UP ... CONTINUES TO END