Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show Three Gray Hairs Date: Oct 09 1949 transcribed by Patte RosebankFORMAN: Good health to all from Rexall! MUSIC: THEME UP, THEN OUT AFTER FIRST SENTENCE FORMAN: It's the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Presented by the makers of Rexall drug products, and ten-thousand independent Rexall family druggists. DRUGGIST: Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist, and tonight, I have some unusually important news for you. This coming week, in five different magazines, you'll be seeing a double-page advertisement telling you about Rexall's One Cent Sale, that starts October nineteenth. The biggest One Cent Sale in Rexall's history. This ad will appear in Life, Look magazine, The Saturday Evening Post, Collier's, and The Farm Journal. And it contains more than two hundred items. All of them regular REXALL-branded, guaranteed merchandise. And all of them offered to you at two for the price of one-plus-a penny. These items and many more are available at Rexall drugstores throughout the country. So, it's your big chance to buy twice as much for only a penny more. Watch for this ad; check what you need in advance, and use the ad as your shopping list. Remember, it appears this coming week, in Collier's, The Farm Journal, The Saturday Evening Post, Life, and Look. And when October nineteenth rolls around--the starting date of Rexall's greatest One Cent Sale--remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL. MUSIC: REXALL FANFARE UP, THEN UNDER FORMAN: Good health to all, from Rexall! MUSIC: THEME UP, THEN UNDER FORMAN: And now, your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris! MUSIC: "ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT FORMAN: The Harris family is going through its usual morning routine. The children are getting ready for school; Alice is preparing breakfast, and Phil is admiring himself in the mirror. Suddenly, for the first time, he notices three grey hairs. There's a moment's stunned silence, and then-- HARRIS: HELP!!! Alice, help, come quick! Oh, no! This can't happen to my crowning glory! I can't go on with a tarnished crown! Oh, this is awful! FAYE: (APPROACHING) Oh, for goodness' sakes, Phil, what's wrong? HARRIS: Alice, siddown, dear, siddown. I've got something to tell ya, honey. FAYE: Yes? HARRIS: And, well... Well, if you wanna leave me after ya hear it, you have every right to. FAYE: What are you looking so terr--? Phil. Is there another woman? HARRIS: I wish there was-- NO-O-O! I mean, I wish it was something that trivial. Alice... Alicia... FAYE: Yes? HARRIS: Honey bun... My hair is turning grey at the temples. FAYE: (LAUGHS) Oh, is that all? HARRIS: Gad, woman! Don't you understand? I'm prematurely grey! FAYE: Prematurely? Let's face it, Phil, you're forty. Lots of people start turning grey when they reach forty. HARRIS: You didn't. FAYE: What was that??? HARRIS: Let me finish. I was gonna say, you didn't have to remind me. ALICE: (APPROACHING) Did something happen, Daddy? PHYLLIS: (APPROACHING) Are you all right? HARRIS: (TEARFUL) No, I'm not all right. I've turned grey. Girls, I hate to tell you this, but... But your daddy is growing old. Very, very old. ALICE: Gee, that's terrible. Mommy, does that mean they're going to take him to the Old Man's Home? FAYE: I suppose so. What else can they do with an old man? PHYLLIS: But Mommy! Couldn't we keep him here? He won't be a burden. ALICE: No. We can take turns pushing him around in his wheelchair. HARRIS: Now, wait a minute! Just a minute! I can still whip the three of ya. (PAUSE) One at a time. FAYE: Oh, Phil, stop acting ridiculous over a few grey hairs. It doesn't look bad. As a matter of fact, it makes you look rather distinguished. Doesn't it, girls? ALICE: Yes, Daddy. You're starting to look just like Lewis Stone. HARRIS: Lewis Stone??? Oh, no! The irony of it! Today, I look like Lewis Stone, and only a few short weeks ago, I looked exactly like Mickey Rooney! FAYE: What's so terrible about a few grey hairs? HARRIS: Don't ya see? First, it gets grey, and then ya start to lose it. I got to make public appearances. When people see me without hair, what will they say? WILLIE: Good morning, Baldy! HARRIS: (SOTTO) If I have to lose something, why can't it be him? (UP) Get away from me, Willie. I got enough on my mind. Something awful has happened to me. WILLIE: Oh, good! Tell me about it. FAYE: Oh, it's nothing, Willie. He has a few-- Wait a minute. I'll bet you won't even notice it. Look at his head. Do you notice anything different about it? WILLIE: No, it's just as flat as it ever was. HARRIS: Whatta you two got, a brother and sister act now? Listen, all she wants you to do is to look at my hair. WILLIE: Your hair? (PAUSE) Well, I'll be switched. Hi, ho, Silvertop! HARRIS: Now, ya see, Alice? Even little Squint-Eye noticed it. I don't dare go out in public like this. FAYE: Oh, now, look, Phil. If your few grey hairs bother you so much, why don't you go to a barber shop and have them touch it up a little? HARRIS: Oh, fine, fine. All I gotta do is let the guys see me in a barber shop, and let 'em see me havin' my hair dyed. Why, they'd kid the shirt offa me. FAYE: Well, why should they, honey? Lots of men have their hair touched up. Jack Benny goes there every week to have his hair done. HARRIS: Yes, but he don't have to sit there while they're doin' it! Now, look, let's face it. I don't want them guys to find out about it. FAYE: Well, then why don't you go to my beauty parlour? Phil, I have a ten o'clock appointment with my hairdresser. I'll-- I'll let you go instead, huh? HARRIS: You want me to go to a dames' barbershop? Nothin' doin'. Why, I'd be embarrassed in one o' them places. FAYE: Aw, you won't be embarrassed. Nobody has to know that you're going. And nobody there knows you. HARRIS: They don't, huh? FAYE: M-mm. I'm sure. HARRIS: Well, if nobody knows I'm there, and nobody's gonna know about it. I guess it'll be all right. Anything. I'll go. FAYE: All right, good. I'll call the beauty shop, and tell them you're coming in my place. And in the meantime, honey, you'd better get started. You only have a half-hour to get there. HARRIS: All right, I'm gonna leave right now. I oughtta be back in about-- SFX: DOORBELL HARRIS: I'll get that. SFX: WALKS TO DOOR. OPENS IT. FRANKIE: Hiya, Curly! HARRIS: (QUICKLY) Hello, Frankie; I can't talk to you now; I'm in a hurry. FRANKIE: Where ya goin'? HARRIS: (BLURTING) I got a ten o'clock appointment at the beauty parlour. FRANKIE: Well, lah-dee-dah! HARRIS: I got a good reason to go to the beauty parlour. FRANKIE: Don't apologize. It's perfectly normal for the man o' the house to go to a beauty parlour. Go on, you run along. HARRIS: Look, Frankie-- FRANKIE: I'll stay here and talk to Alice while she shaves. Curly? Why are you going to the beauty parlour? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but I'm anxious to hear your stupid answer. HARRIS: If you must know, I'm goin' because I-- Wait a minute. I'll see if you can tell. Now, look at me closely, Frankie. FRANKIE: M-hm... HARRIS: Look at my profile. FRANKIE: M-hm... HARRIS: Do you-- Do you notice anything different? FRANKIE: Yeah. You're startin' to get another chin. HARRIS: I've had two chins for a long time! FRANKIE: I'm talkin' about the third one. I think it's very attractive, the way your chins cascade into your chest. HARRIS: Never mind, willya? FRANKIE: I imagine, when you drool, it looks like a babbling brook. HARRIS: Look, willya forget about my chins? (SELF-CONSCIOUS) It's my hair...I'm concerned about. FRANKIE: Oh? HARRIS: Frankie... the time has come. I'm getting grey, and-- and I'm terribly worried. I feel awful about it. FRANKIE: Well, there's no reason to be depressed. (BRITISH) Come on now, chins up, old boy! HARRIS: Look, Frankie, I'm goin' to the beauty parlour to have my hair just touched up. Now, willya do me a favour and come with me, willya? FRANKIE: Well... Okay, I'll walk over with ya. HARRIS: Thanks, pal. (CALLS) Hey, Alice! I'm goin' now! I'll see ya later! Oh, uh, while I'm gone, you may sing. FAYE: Thank you, Master. (SIGHS) Sing... He's so good to me. FAYE'S SONG: "LOOK WHAT YA DONE" BEAUTY PARLOUR AMBIENCE, UNDER (BABBLE OF FEMALE HAIRDRESSERS AND CUSTOMERS, UNDER) HARRIS: Say, uh, pardon me, madam? Uh, madam? (BABBLE STOPS DEAD) HARRIS: Ma dame? MGR: Yes? HARRIS: (UNCOMFORTABLY) Uh, I'm Phil Harris. Uh, my wife called and made an appointment for me. MGR: Oh, yes. She said you wanted your curls dyed. HARRIS: Uh, yes, that's right. MGR: What do you want to become, a brunette, a redhead, or a platinum blonde? HARRIS: Don't be a wise hairdresser, huh? I don't wanna be a brunette, or a redhead, or a platinum blonde. FRANKIE: No, we were thinking in terms of Midnight Blue. HARRIS: Uh, madam, I just want these-- these few grey hairs just-- just touched up a bit to-- to-- to match the rest o' my hair, and-- and if you don't mind, I-- I-- I don't want anybody else to know about it. MGR: Well, very well. Just step into this booth, and I'll call Lucille. She always takes care of Mrs. Harris. HARRIS: Thank you, and remember, I-- I'm trying to keep this quiet. MGR: Oh, don't worry. I won't tell Lucille who you are. Now, you just lie back in this chair, and I'll put this sheet over your suit, and this towel over your face. There. You're completely covered. Now, she'll never know who she's waiting on. HARRIS: (MUFFLED) How do I look, Remley? FRANKIE: Like a sloppy mummy. Curly, I'll roll up your pants so they don't show. HARRIS: (MUFFLED) Okay. MGR: All right now. I'll get Lucille. SFX: SHE WALKS TO OTHER ROOM, AND OPENS DOOR MGR: (SING-SONGY) Lucille? LUCILLE: Yes, Mrs. Matthews. MGR: (SING-SONGY) There's a customer waiting for you in Booth three. LUCILLE: I'll go right in. SFX: WALKS TO BOOTH, UNDER LUCILLE: Ooh, it's ten o'clock. That must be Alice Faye! Oh, I love to do her hair. She's such a nice person! And she's so pretty and young-lookin'. I wonder how she does it, at her age. Oh, well. More power to her. SFX: OPENS DOOR. WALKS IN. LUCILLE: Oh, there you are! Hello, dearie! SFX: CLOSES DOOR FRANKIE: Hiya, honey! LUCILLE: I'm not talkin' to you. I'm talkin' to Miss Faye. FRANKIE: Miss Faye? That ain't-- Oh! You mean, Alice. Under the sheet there. LUCILLE: How are you, Miss Faye? HARRIS: (FALSETTO, MUFFLED) M-hm. LUCILLE: Well, I better get started on you. You want the usual, Miss Faye? HARRIS: (FALSETTO, MUFFLED) M-hm. LUCILLE: You sound like you got a cold. HARRIS: (FALSETTO, MUFFLED) M-hm. LUCILLE: Gee, I hope you'll be able to sing on your radio program, Sunday. I'd hate to have to hear your husband sing two songs. HARRIS: (MUFFLED ANGRY MUTTERING, UNDER) FRANKIE: (TRYING TO CONTROL HIM) Alice... Alice... Alice... Alice... Alice... Al-- Alice... HARRIS: (A LAST ANGRY GRUMBLE) FRANKIE: (TO PHIL) Take it easy. You'll blow a gasket on your girdle. (SWITCH) Lucy, you've upset Miss Faye. She likes to hear her husband sing. In fact, she insists that he sing on the program. LUCILLE: Yeah, I understand. It sorta makes it look as if he's earning his own living. FRANKIE: Uh, look, uh, Luce. Never mind the conversation. Just get to work, huh? LUCILLE: All right, all right. I just wanna arrange this sheet around Miss Faye's feet, so I-- (PAUSE) Miss Faye! HARRIS: (FALSETTO, MUFFLED) Hmm? LUCILLE: I hate to tell ya this, but your legs are gettin' awful hairy! And what happened to the shape o' them? You're gettin' bowlegged! HARRIS: I am NOT bowlegged! LUCILLE: Miss Faye, you're a man! Oh, wait 'til I tell Louella Parsons about this! HARRIS: Frankie, let's get outta here, before this whole joint knows what's-- Come on! Don't stay with that woman! Get outta here! FRANKIE: After you, dearie! Ladies first, you know! HARRIS: Oh, come on! SFX: THEY RUSH OUT, CLOSING DOOR HARRIS: Aw, Remley, what am I gonna do about dyein' my hair? No matter where I go, it ain't gonna work because people are gonna recognize me. FRANKIE: Well, why go any place? Let's dye it ourselves. HARRIS: You know a guy, huh? No, look. FRANKIE: Huh? HARRIS: You mean? FRANKIE: Yeah. Sure we can. We can use a well-known dye. It can't do any harm. You leave it to me. I'll buy the dye; you go home, wash your hair, and get ready. HARRIS: Okay. Gee whiz, Frankie. FRANKIE: Hm? HARRIS: I hope the dye works. If it-- Well, don't ya understand, if it-- if it don't work, it's gonna ruin my career. FRANKIE: Why should it? (RICH, PLUMMY) You still have your glorious voice. HARRIS: True. I might even go in for serious singing. I could be another grey-haired baritone, like Eenzo Pizza. (SINGS) Some enchanted evening! You may meet a stranger! (SPOKEN) Why knock him out of a living, huh? Better stick with my own racket. PHIL'S SONG: "IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DIXIE?" SFX: CLATTER OF POT, BOTTLES BEING SET OUT, UNDER HARRIS: Okay, now look, Remley. When you start mixin' that stuff, now, lemme ask you one question. Are you sure that this dye you bought-- you sure that it ain't gonna hurt my hair? FRANKIE: Well, how can it? It's one o' the best dyes on the market. HARRIS: What's the name of it? FRANKIE: All-Purpose RIT. That's wonderful stuff. The label says, uh-- (READING) "Guaranteed not to harm the most delicate fabrics." HARRIS: Then, that's for me. That's the stuff, because my hair's made o' the most delicate fabrics available. FRANKIE: Well, let's get started. SFX: POURS WATER INTO POT FRANKIE: Now, I pour the dyes into this boiling water-- HARRIS: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. DYES? FRANKIE: Hm? HARRIS: You got more'n one? FRANKIE: Well, I had to. Couldn't get any dye the colour o' your brown hair, so I bought four different colours, and I'm gonna mix 'em. HARRIS: What colours? FRANKIE: Red, green, chartreuse, and fuchsia. HARRIS: This makes brown??? FRANKIE: (FRENCH) Certaine-moi. Now, I pour 'em in the boiling water. First, a little green... SFX: SMALL SPLASH INTO POT OF WATER FRANKIE: Now, a little red... SFX: SMALL SPLASH INTO POT OF WATER FRANKIE: A dash of chartreuse... SFX: SMALL SPLASH INTO POT OF WATER FRANKIE: A pinch of fuchsia... SFX: SMALL SPLASH INTO POT OF WATER HARRIS: A jigger o' rum, and butter, the size o' walnut. Nutmeg to taste. What are you tryin' to do? FRANKIE: Curly, you're not gonna drink this. HARRIS: I ain't gonna put it on my head either. It's an awful-lookin' mess you-- FRANKIE: Well, wait til it boils a little longer. There! That's better! Well, you can bend your head over, Curly. I'm ready to dye. HARRIS: Well, go ahead. I'm too young. Lemme tell ya something, Remley. I'm gonna tell ya right now. You ain't gonna get my head near that thing! FRANKIE: Curly, it can't hurt you. Just try it. HARRIS: Try it on somebody else! What're ya pickin' on me with it for? FRANKIE: I wish ya had a dog we could try it on-- HARRIS: We ain't got no dog! JULIUS: (APPROACHING) Hiya, fellas! HARRIS: Well, if it ain't little wire-haired Abbruzzio! FRANKIE: Do ya think we oughtta? HARRIS: Sure, his fur looks a little mangy. (WHISTLES) Come here, Fido! Over on this side please! JULIUS: What are you characters up to? HARRIS: Oh, we're just cookin' up a little um-- um-- We're cookin' um-- uh-- a little spaghetti sauce. FRANKIE: And WHAT spaghetti sauce! Curly, bend over; smell that! HARRIS: Gladly! (SNIFFS DEEPLY) Oh, this is EX-quisite! (SNIFFS DEEPLY) Mm-m-m! Now, Frankie. It's your turn to bend over and smell it. FRANKIE: Okay. (SNIFFS DEEPLY) Oooh, what a HEAVENLY aroma! JULIUS: Now, I suppose it's MY turn to bend over. HARRIS: If ya wanna. JULIUS: I DON'T WANNA! You ain't gonna get me to taste that stuff! HARRIS: But, Julius, we don't want ya to taste it. All we want ya to do is just-- JULIUS: GO SOAK YOUR HEAD! FRANKIE: He's catchin' on. HARRIS: Got the right idea, but the wrong head. Hey, kid, believe me, we don't want ya to taste it. All we want ya to do is just bend over, and see if it smells all right to you. JULIUS: All right, as long as I don't have to taste it. (SNIFFS IT) I don't smell nothin' HARRIS: You will. Dunk him, Remley! FRANKIE: Yeah! SFX: SPLASH. THRASHING, UNDER JULIUS: (GURGLING UNDERWATER) FRANKIE: Curly... How long should we hold him under? HARRIS: The directions say, soak him for five minutes, but this is just a trial run. Let him up now; we'll see how he looks. Pull him out. FRANKIE: Yeah. SFX: PULLS JULIUS' HEAD OUT OF DYE-POT JULIUS: (COUGHING, GASPING FOR BREATH) You're boinin' my little scalp off!!! HARRIS: Stop beefin'! It ain't boinin'! FRANKIE: How's his hair look, Curly? HARRIS: I can't tell ya. Wait til the smoke clears away. Hey, Frankie? FRANKIE: Uh? HARRIS: Somethin' went wrong. The colours didn't mix. FRANKIE: That's right. They didn't. His hair's four different shades. HARRIS: Yeah, his head looks like an argyll sock. Hey, sock-head, come here a minute! JULIUS: Get away from me, ya fiends! Ain't ya done enough to me, dunkin' my head in hot spaghetti sauce?! HARRIS: But, Julius-- JULIUS: Wait til I tell my old man ya tried to make an I-talian dinner outta me! SFX: DOOR SLAM (PHIL AND FRANKIE LAUGH TO THEMSELVES) HARRIS: He was a Hallowe'en job, wasn't he? FRANKIE: Yeah. HARRIS: Yes sir, we dyed that egghead early, didn't we? Ya know, come to think of it, his head looked a little bit like a Chef's Salad. FRANKIE: Yeah! (SWITCH) Well, I'm ready for you now, Curly. Just dunk your head-- HARRIS: HOLD IT! You ain't gonna get MY head in that Technicolor mess! Look, I'm gonna go upstairs and see if Alice hasn't got some good dye. SFX: WALKING AWAY, UNDER HARRIS: (FADING OFF MIKE) I'll be right back in a minute. (OFF MIKE) She might have some-- FRANKIE: Yeah. Oh, Curly-- HARRIS: (OFF MIKE, FADING) I'm not gonna wait-- FRANKIE: Hey, Curly--! (TO HIMSELF) Oh. I wonder what went wrong. I know I can get the right colour for Curly. If I can only find somebody else to test it on... ALICE: (SLIGHTLY OFF MIKE, CALLING) Mommy! We're home from school! Mommy, where are you? Mo-o-o-mmy! FRANKIE: (SOTTO) Why not? It can't hurt 'em. Alice can always wash it out. (UP, CALLING) Oh, girls! Come on in the kitchen! Uncle Frankie has a big surprise for ya! MUSIC: UP, THEN OUT ALICE: Gee, thanks, Uncle Frankie! Our hair looks beautiful! FRANKIE: Yeah, but I still haven't got quite the colour I want yet. PHYLLIS: I love the colour you gave me! It's a bright flaming red! ALICE: And mine is a very unusual kelly green! FRANKIE: That's still not right. Red and green ain't exactly what I'm lookin' for. HARRIS: (APPROACHING) Hey, Remley! Alice had a dye, and I'm rea-- (TAKE) Remley, who brought them traffic signals into the kitchen? FRANKIE: They ain't traffic signals. They're young ladies. HARRIS: Colourful little midgets, ain't they? What circus they with? PHYLLIS: Daddy, it's us! HARRIS: Oh no! Oh no, Remley! What have you done to Phyllis and Alice? Oh, you poor kids! Your hair is such awful colours! What are we gonna do? FRANKIE: Change their names to Aurora and Borealis. (QUICKLY, FADING OFF MIKE) Well, I guess I've done all I can to help. So long, Curley! HARRIS: Come back here! If I ever get my hands on you, Remley--! You've hurt my children! I'll do something to you--! MUSIC: UP, THEN OUT FORMAN: Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. But right now, our Rexall family druggist has a question to answer. WOMAN: I want to know more about the ad on Rexall's One Cent Sale. DRUGGIST: Well, ma'am, the ad appears this coming week, in The Saturday Evening Post, Look, Life, Collier's, and The Farm Journal. And it contains more than two-hundred items, offered to you during Rexall's One Cent Sale, at two for the price of one-plus-a-penny. WOMAN: That sounds like a pretty big sale. DRUGGIST: It is, ma'am. The biggest One Cent Sale in Rexall's history. Think of it: Two big magazine pages, crammed full of twin bargains. All regular Rexall guaranteed merchandise, and all of them going at two for the price of one, plus one cent. Now, in front of every item, there's a little square, so you can check what you need in advance. WOMAN: Why, I can use the ad as a shopping list! DRUGGIST: That's exactly what it's intended for, ma'am. It's your big chance to stock up for months in advance. Or, you can team up with a friend, and share the savings. Because when October nineteenth rolls around--the starting date of Rexall's One Cent Sale--you double your buying power by simply adding a penny. WOMAN: Where did you say the ad will appear? DRUGGIST: In Life, Look, Collier's, The Saturday Evening Post, and The Farm Journal. Remember to watch for it. And remember also, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL. FORMAN: Good health to all, from REXALL! MUSIC: REXALL FANFARE, INTO "ROSE ROOM", THEN OUT FAYE: Frankie, how could you do anything like that to the children's hair? FRANKIE: I'm sorry, Alice. You know I wouldn't do anything to harm the kids. I was just tryin' to be helpful. HARRIS: Never mind, Remley. You're gonna wash the girls' hair until you get all that dye out. Now, get goin'! FRANKIE: All right, I'll get it out. Hold still, Phyllis. PHYLLIS: Daddy, my head feels tight, and my hair's getting awful stiff. FRANKIE: Oh, that's nothin', Curly. That's just from the starch I put in the dye. HARRIS: STARCH??? FRANKIE: Yeah, I figured I'd dye their hair and set it at the same time. HARRIS: OH, REMLEY!!! MUSIC: CLOSING THEME UP, THEN OUT FORMAN: Watch for the double-page ad on Rexall's One Cent Sale, appearing this coming week, in Life, Look, Collier's, The Saturday Evening Post, and The Farm Journal. Sale starts October nineteenth. Your chance to buy more than two-hundred fine quality, guaranteed REXALL products, at two for the price of one-plus-one-cent! MUSIC: CLOSING THEME UP, THEN OUT ANNCR: It's the Adventures of Sam Spade! Coming up now, on NBC! NBC CHIMES